keeping love alive in trying times

[Telion 2]

1st) FWIW - I really like the way you phrased your question. This question has been asked (by other VJs) many times and many different ways. (but) Most of the time = OP comes out swinging - Guns blazing... fingers pointing.. .insults & labels ..in other words = blame game presented by a "victim" that just can't take it anymore and and and...

I understand some relationships just ain't gonna work. (but) IMO - the blame game people disrespect / insult their relationship & themselves with each derogatory sentence they type & make themselves look like emotionally immature children.

You? You present your concern with appropriate respect for your SO & your relationship. You demonstrate emotional maturity, humility & a healthy pragmatic attitude re: managing relationship conflict. Good job!

2nd) Above posters advice re: communication - agreed...but for us.. sometimes, less is more. We prefer to "postpone" & "reschedule" some conflicts...especially when it's too hot & I / we run the risk of saying something I / we will regret later. (and for some odd but surely scientific reason - it's always me providing the regretful input . Go figure. )

& then...during the "cool down" phase...manage the relationship - biz as usual (albeit a little tense sometimes). We don't let the conflict control us...we control the conflict. We're not perfect.. but...practice makes perfect... and this strategy works for us.

We (also) decided early on that it's Okay to agree to disagree on the small stuff...work some of those little issues out at a more appropriate time.

I got more but I already rambled on too much... I leave with 2 last thoughts =

1) I am appropriately intimidated by my wife.

2) I've never found fighting helps me get the things I want. Difficult lesson to learn for some1 as spoiled as I am.

(I've been away for awhile & I don't know how to up a vid anymore - sorry but all I got is a link. Doesn't quite have the same effect but here it is anyway...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVBnkOL-8Jw

Thank you so much for the acknowledgment and for the kind words. And the words of wisom which i see is agreed upon by your SO. You bring up a great point about managing through the conflict in and after the cool down phase and reopening the line of communication meaning continuing to communicate through rough waters, and being content with not agreeing sometimes. I have a tendency to want to argue to the point of resolve, sometimes forgetting aboutthe need for a cool down period when arguing via chat. Meaning i am finding I am much better at stepping back to cool ddown and reproach in person than in chat. This will be a good focus for me. Something else I noticed aand i dont know if this is a cultural difference or an individual difference but we see argumentation differently for me I believe in healthy confrontation but fear arguing where as my fiance sees arguing as healthy confrontation and so there are little consequences to it other than it was an argument and we will get over it no big deal. Me I think an argument has potentially severe consequences such as a break up and healthy confrontation is working through expressed disagreement with little to no consequence. She sees both in some what the same consequential light. I think that is a better way to see it of course, because behindthat is the understanding of I will not leave you and will love you no matter how bad the argument was (within reason of course) no one should allow any form of abuse to take place. his is good I would like to hear more thoughts on this. And crash_n2_me that was hardly a ramble

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

I am finding that it can be very difficult for me to get through tough times in a long distance relationship. I love my doe dearly but when we argue I get fearful that it will be the last straw. What are some ways you have managed through hard times with your long distance love?

This may sound crazy, but I already had Pinay friends here in the U.S. One in particular helped both of us during the long distance relationship, when it hit bumps. most of the time it was due to cultural differences . Having a friend here in the US that had been married 8 years helped a lot.

[A and T 82]

Move to the philippines! reverse immigration

[Scot_Roselyn 7]

Rose and I had somethings to work out. But they were more of misunderstandings than anything else. One thing I do want to say it that please do not use the avenue of saying that its over. We are all human and interpret what we see different ways. No one can assume that the other person sees things the same as you. But we all have feelings and need to focus on those to ensure that we have the security and devotion to make sure that the relationship is not sacrificial. None of us want that. We all want to be wanted, loved and cared for. I found that being open about how you feel about certain situations if key to opening up conversation and allowing yourself to be open to hearing what you see or envision in the situation. Pre-judgement hurts us all when we jump to conclusions. Honesty plays the most important part of communcating. Being honest with yourself while talking to each other is what I mean. If you can do that then there is nothing you can't resolve. I have also told Rose that it hurts me to think that if ever someone were to compromise our challenge our relationship is unbearable for me. I will do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. Show devotion to each other. Prevent misconceptions of situations.

Just my .02 cents.

Scot

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Thank you so much for the acknowledgment and for the kind words. And the words of wisom which i see is agreed upon by your SO. You bring up a great point about managing through the conflict in and after the cool down phase and reopening the line of communication meaning continuing to communicate through rough waters, and being content with not agreeing sometimes. I have a tendency to want to argue to the point of resolve, sometimes forgetting aboutthe need for a cool down period when arguing via chat. Meaning i am finding I am much better at stepping back to cool ddown and reproach in person than in chat. This will be a good focus for me. Something else I noticed aand i dont know if this is a cultural difference or an individual difference but we see argumentation differently for me I believe in healthy confrontation but fear arguing where as my fiance sees arguing as healthy confrontation and so there are little consequences to it other than it was an argument and we will get over it no big deal. Me I think an argument has potentially severe consequences such as a break up and healthy confrontation is working through expressed disagreement with little to no consequence. She sees both in some what the same consequential light. I think that is a better way to see it of course, because behindthat is the understanding of I will not leave you and will love you no matter how bad the argument was (within reason of course) no one should allow any form of abuse to take place. his is good I would like to hear more thoughts on this. And crash_n2_me that was hardly a ramble

You're very welcome. & Thank you for the kind words too.

Yes, My wife agrees bcoz - this conflict management strategy - we developed together. It wasn't easy at first. It can be difficult to out smart the body's chemical reaction to anger / conflict. Requires quite a bit of stubborn.. & we both have quite a bit of stubborn (I'm told I have a lot! ) . As stated before, practice makes perfect.

I think you are on to something = you & your SO varying attitudes about conflict. I have a theory = Divorce is so common in America = Commitment has been weakened = Marital conflict is viewed by many as and becomes a killer instead of a builder = Many couples have a few conflicts & say...I'm outta here! The outta here may happen immediately or take years but the person(s) leaving has already shut down & left in principle & spirit = marriage fails at shutdown.

You are certainly fortunate to have some1 truly committed to you that no matter what - she will stay with you 4vr.

My wife & I made the same commitment to each other & we consider that commitment - priceless treasure.

& that commitment is a game changer re; conflict management. Try to let that soak in & you might find you have more patience & calm during future conflicts.

(I hope &) Glad to help! Good luck.

Edited August 23, 2013 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Telion 2]

Lol just had a chance to watch the videos and yes there are some truths to the difficulty people can face in that time and yes I know when that time is and how to engage with my fiance during that time. So for those who are new to the dating game I would say yes that is great advice that's crosses all cultures and knows no cultural boundary but does vary greatly from individual to individual and can evolve or devolve over time. But having said that. I think there are some cultural differences in argumentation and I would really like to here the thoughts of some of our filipina counterparts on the art of effective arguing and what some of the cultural differences are in bow American men argue vs. Filipino men?