Being Judge By Other People

[Tim/Mav 305]

DavenRoxy saved me alot of typing.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

DavenRoxy saved me alot of typing.

That is the NICEST way I have ever been told that I talk too much.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

I will try to dig a little deep & attempt to find the root.

Interpersonal relationships often reflect the perception of one another via relationship dynamics. (please note - I typed reflect...not mirror)

Meaning - Your action causes a reaction. In the reaction you can see a reflection of yourself interpreted by the other's perception of you combined with the mix of personality traits comprising him/her/them.

Think of it like this; If Yellow light hits a Blue Gem...what becomes the color of the light? or...When light passes through a kaleidoscope what happens to the light? or When light bounces off a mirror of varying shape/size/color...what happens to the light?

Although it is easy to point the finger (when I point fingers...I prefer to use my middle finger ) the old cliché - yada yada ...4 point back at you... applies in this case too.

Consider = Perhaps - the "judgment" is given out of genuine concern or perhaps it is driven by various malicious intent.

Regardless the message is delivered (in various ways / reasons) via the relationship dynamics established by you. (if) You don't like it then.....,

Ask yourself - What do I do that makes it okay for (insert expletive of your choice here) to "judge" me? What type of person is this? is this relationship important to me? Etc...

Many people are ridden with parasites = jealousy, hate, bitterness, anger...and other personality disorders. Is this a person you want to continue a relationship with regardless of how they behave or who they are?

(if) the answer is yes - then it seems you must alter the relationship dynamics by altering the message you put out (about yourself). You need to become a PR rep for...you.

The topic is deeper but I think this is a start.

Maybe do some googling = Toxic Relationships, Establishing Healthy Boundaries, C0 - Dependent Relationships & 101 ways to tell some1 to go (middle finger) themself!

Hope this helps.

Edited August 16, 2013 by Crashed~N2~Me

[The Nature Boy 4,224]

Don't you just hate when other people judge the person you love especially when they have not even met the person yet. They tell you "oh your making a mistake by petitioning him/her. he/she is just going to use you for the papers and leave you once he/she gets what he/she needs". How do most of you feel when your love one is being judge by family or friends?

My life turned around and got so much happier when I stopped worrying about what others thought or let it affect me.

People are people, and they are going to find someone to make gossip about, because it makes them feel better about their own miserable lives. Not just this issue but any issue.

The only person that can stop others from affecting your happiness is you

[TnJ 131]

It's annoying when it happens. If one tries to give me advice about my relationship, then it is not only annoying but insulting to my intelligence. A stereotype has some truth in it to ponder and/or aid in discernment. It doesn't actually take much abstract reasoning to think of a stereotype in itself. It is a simple recall. So when someone wants to pass judgement on me with absolutely no insight, I only see it for what it is. As for the using the USC for a GC, I understand it happens, but like all stereotypes, this lumps every immigrating individual into one simple and nicely packaged group. I have reason to suspect that a little arrogance might be thrown in to help feed the notion as well. Afterall, we are "the greatest country on Earth" so of course everyone wants to come here and get a GC by any means <sarcasm>. In any case, I don't mind close ones being concerned for me at all. However, it is completely insulting when one assumes he/she knows more about my relationship than I do. I know it is hard to believe for some people, but my wife actually came here because she loves me. It kills her being away from her family, and if we didn't love each other incredibly, she would have gladly stayed with them with no reason to leave at all. Like I said, hard to believe for some, and some never will believe it. It's fruitless to present a defense in the face of ignorance.

[JAYANN & JAY 11]

It's annoying when it happens. If one tries to give me advice about my relationship, then it is not only annoying but insulting to my intelligence. A stereotype has some truth in it to ponder and/or aid in discernment. It doesn't actually take much abstract reasoning to think of a stereotype in itself. It is a simple recall. So when someone wants to pass judgement on me with absolutely no insight, I only see it for what it is. As for the using the USC for a GC, I understand it happens, but like all stereotypes, this lumps every immigrating individual into one simple and nicely packaged group. I have reason to suspect that a little arrogance might be thrown in to help feed the notion as well. Afterall, we are "the greatest country on Earth" so of course everyone wants to come here and get a GC by any means <sarcasm>. In any case, I don't mind close ones being concerned for me at all. However, it is completely insulting when one assumes he/she knows more about my relationship than I do. I know it is hard to believe for some people, but my wife actually came here because she loves me. It kills her being away from her family, and if we didn't love each other incredibly, she would have gladly stayed with them with no reason to leave at all. Like I said, hard to believe for some, and some never will believe it. It's fruitless to present a defense in the face of ignorance.

My fiance told me that he would rather live in the Philippines but because he doesnt want me to be separated from my family so he would sacrifice not seeing his own family for years just to be with me. I actually even told my family & friends that if they believe he will only come here for the GC then why don't I just move to the Philippines for good rather than bringing him here and the reaction I got from them was "ARE YOU STUPID TO GIVE UP THE LIFE YOU HAVE HERE TO MOVE TO A COUNTRY WHERE YOU WON'T EVEN MAKE HALF OF THE MONEY YOU MAKE HERE?" and "WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TWO HAVE A BABY WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY TO SUPPORT THE CHILD?" I also asked my fiance if it would be ok with him that I move to the Philippines and he told me do whatever makes you happy and where you choose to live that is where I will be also.

[DavenRoxy 1,073]

I also asked my fiance if it would be ok with him that I move to the Philippines and he told me do whatever makes you happy and where you choose to live that is where I will be also.

And THAT is what really matters, the person with whom YOU choose to spend the rest of your life. You don't get to choose your family, but you CAN choose your mate.

[Hank_ 9,174]

Ah ... family... yes - you can pick your nose, you can pick your butt, but you can't pick your family.

[JAYANN & JAY 11]

And THAT is what really matters, the person with whom YOU choose to spend the rest of your life. You don't get to choose your family, but you CAN choose your mate.

My fiance has really been great & patient during this whole visa process and to tell you the truth he requested if he could come here after Christmas so he can spend the holidays with his family before he leaves since it may take a few years until he spends Christmas with his family. I told him that he's had his whole life to spend Christmas with them and now its my turn so he agreed and I promised him that every 3-4 years we will go to the Philippines for Christmas to spend it with his family.

[Stevephoto 230]

There are and will always be "nay-sayers" ... the best attitude is to be like a little duck and not give a quack.

True friends will support you... those that don't aren't true friends.

Love it! Seriously, the initial reaction from people over here is often "What?....huh?" because there are SO many instances of fraud. I read about them here on VJ every few days. Fortunately the vast majority of international relationships are real. Unfortunately those are not the ones that "make the news." What Hank and the others have said is true...your friends, the ones who were trying to protect you at the beginning, will come around and support you and your fiance(e) once they realize that he/she is honest and true. Those who don't come around don't get invitations to the wedding!

[James&Edlie 2]

If they don't call me daddy or asawa, I don't care what anyone thinks.

[davenjanet 22]

Not to be too indiscrete but when it comes to marriage and love, people are ultimately thinking about one thing - sex. If you said that your best most trusted friend was from the Philippines, no one would care one bit; in fact they would probably applaud you. It is that you are sleeping with someone from a different culture.

I am older and Jewish. When I was young the worst thing I could do was marry a non-Jew. Mixed marriages meant a jew and a Christian. Few people considered inter-racial relationships.

So what did I do? I married an African-American! When people asked if my family had objections about her I said, "They don't care about her color. But the fact that she isn't Jewish..." lol!

So at some point people started accepting marriages between different religions. Then they focused their judgment on inter-racial marriages. Then that became more accepted so they re-focused their judgment on same sex relationships. Today even those are being accepted.

Today, no one has given me a hard time because Janet is from a different culture/country. OTOH many people have commented on our age difference. That has become a subject of judgment for some people in our culture. Honestly, the reasons they give me are so similar to the reasons people "worried" about my first marriage to that African-American woman almost 30 years ago.

I guess my point is that some people are compelled to judge others when it comes to sex. They give a lot of excuses (green card fraud, what will you have in common, etc.) But in the end they just don't want to imagine you sleeping with each other, which is fine with me; I don't want them thinking of it either - they might get jealous!

Of course as everyone has said, enjoy your life, enjoy your love. All relationships involve risk. Take the risk and love every second of it!

Edited August 16, 2013 by davenjanet

[JAYANN & JAY 11]

If they don't call me daddy or asawa, I don't care what anyone thinks.

Funny my fiance tells me " I don't care what anyone thinks, they can say whatever they want to. The only thing I care about is your opinion because if you think of me as an ####### then don't be with me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is unhappy & miserable with me."

[madtownguy 164]

Why is it soooo bad if someone is using you for papers or whatever? There are more fish in the sea it's not the end of the world if you make a mistake and catch a stinky one the first few times. I think nobody would ever say that to me because they know I could care less. Maybe you here it because your buttons are easily pushed.

[Jacque67 7,328]

I think the nay-sayers fall into two categories. Those that are jealous, and those that truly care. My family never said anything negative, though I am sure they had some thoughts about it. Some of my TRUE friends told me to be careful, and not rush into it. Stay single. Live life. Watch out, cuz all that some women want is that GC. Etc. (all of which, I may add, is true. And is the SAME advice I give to those looking to do what I have done)

And then there are the true "haters". Those who are stuck in a less-than-blissful relationship. Those who are single but who have never been with a beautiful woman who really lives just to love them. And those who think that my wife is just with me for the money. I would gladly show THOSE people my bank balances, and they would know better, lol. Yes, I make good money. But I put most of it into real estate, so there is little to spend monthly. In fact, when we got married, my wife had more in the bank than I did. It's kind of a joke with us... I tease her that she just married me for my good looks and my money. She snorts and reminds me that I won't even buy her McDonalds cuz I am so cheap. "Yes, but at least there are the good looks, right BebeKo?" She just tells me I am the best-looking guy for her cuz she loves me so much.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself... does it REALLY matter what other people think about you? Does it change how you feel, think, or live? I'm sure I was judged in my marriage to a USC, but I didn't care then. Why care now? If people think less of me or my wife because they perceive that she is using me, then they do not understand the joys of having someone who cares enough to cook & clean for you, love you even when you're unlovable, and remain faithful til the end. And I'm not saying one has to marry outside the USA to find these qualities in a woman. Just saying I didn't have them in my previous marriage, and now I do. How long will it last? No one knows. Will she leave me once she gets her 10-year GC? No telling. But I DO know that I'd rather live my life thinking we will be in love til we die rather than live worrying about her motivations.

And I also add THIS tidbit about something foreign to our culture... I met a guy in Afghanistan from India who is now a USC. His parents told him they would "allow him to marry anyone of his own choosing, even if she was American", but that he needed to hurry up, as he was almost 27. Wow, sounded pretty radical to me. But in further conversation, I learned that is mother and father had the traditional Indian marriage where his father never even met his mother until the day of their wedding... almost 50 years prior. Marriage before love? Love before marriage? Does it really matter, as long as you love? If HIS parents can stay together for 50 years never having known each other before the wedding, then why not us who meet in person or online, converse for months while awaiting the VJ process, then eventually get married?

Great post. You should become a guru! I am sure your wife's family were concerned about the marriage as you seem a bit of a smoothie! Buy her a Big Mac you cheapskate!