Broken Hearted at the last possible moment

[Meg and Danny 25]

Thank you all immensely for every ounce of support you have offered.

Ultimately, I'm still not 100% sure why things transpired between us the way they did.... this is all I can do to update you.

Tuesday brought the first time I'd seen him in over 6 weeks(one of the longest periods of time we'd ever been apart). Then, a counselling session, which started with us sitting on opposite ends of the room. I read him a long four page letter outlining how it hurt, why I was so confused, and asking why he didn't tell me earlier what was going on. Our counsellor, I believe was surprised to see us in this state. I was hurt, but read my letter anyways. Our counsellor said at the end of my letter "I'd like to just take a moment and tell you that I think that was, if not the best one of the best break up letters I have ever heard" and turned to Danny to point out how it was respectful and how painful it must have been to write. He agreed.
Nothing really got solved in that session at all. It was mostly a lot of emotion. Him somehow remaining basically cool and collected, and me barely being able to look at him. He took everything out of my immigration/visa binder. That I worked so diligently on, his financials, affidavit of support and intent to marry. I could feel my heart being torn.

That evening, he texted me to say how strange it was to be here(in my city) without me. We texted for a while about how much we loved and missed each other, I pointed out all the things we could have shared, and not understanding why he would give it all away. Out of basically nowhere. he said he knew how final this all seemed to me right now, but that life was long and often strange etc etc and not to talk about forever(in reference to the ending of our relationship).

I found out a little, about what he found as an issue. But I think I'll post my letter to him in a private message for anyone that cares to know the whole story. And how he could have said ANYTHING before this and helped it, or anything INSTEAD of this and helped it. This person who begged me never to give up on him, callously gave up on me.

at the end of the conversation, through many tears, he asked to take me to dinner the following night. I agreed. How could I not? I missed him and it was agony having him so close and yet so far.

Wednesday evening we had dinner and I went back to his hotel room with him. We talked for hours and hours. We cried, he had a full blown panic attack. One of the scariest things I've ever been a part of .

I told him what I really had thought had gotten to him, which was mostly, not about ME at all. And he agreed. He took responsibility and apologized for NOT doing many things as well as how he handled the actual break up. And that maybe what he really wanted was to slow down. I told him, going from 100 to 0 is not a slow down, it's a stop. And that I understood that he was scared, but that neither of us seemed to know where to go from here. He brought up the possibility of countinuing our sessions but I didn't understand how that was possible as two people who couldn't even be friends.

How can I do that to myself? I asked him. How can I just sit idly by and hope that one day you'll turn around and realise you made a mistake. That he'd somehow change his mind, it would be horrible. We held each other and both finally slept. The next day, Thursday, we went to a second session together. Meant mostly to talk about the decision I was facing. Which I already knew his stance on. But really, he walked in and sat down beside me and held my hand, kissed my hand, and held me close as I cried trying to explain that all I could think about was my love for him, and not knowing what to do. Our counsellor said it was a very large change from the previous change two days ago, and he again took a lot of responsibility for his actions and inactions. And she tried to figure out if there was a way that we would get back together, and I told her how it felt like he was dangling himself in front of me.

He mentioned a number of times that if we got to that point again, at least the visa process would be basically a breeze.

She(our counsellor) was obviously concerned for us both and he booked a session with her for tomorrow(Monday), by himself, which he'll attend via Skype.

I don't know what to expect, I just know that our last three days together felt right. I just feel it in my bones, that even if its over, he is the one for me. It's just too good.

I wish I understood fully why his fear overwhelmed him, and what if anything was going to happen with us from here on out. I just can't seem to grasp it all.

I miss him. I love him. I want him, and he tells me he feels the same, so how are we at this point? What am I supposed to do now?

Meghan

Edited August 19, 2013 by Meg and Danny

[TBoneTX 45,299]

I miss him. I love him. I want him, and he tells me he feels the same, so how are we at this point? What am I supposed to do now?

Take it from a male viewpoint (mine): If you grit your teeth and continue, you can only expect more of the same behavior in the future. He's not ready. Depending on his age (if he's older than his late 20s), he might never be.

Personal note, with apologies if it's inappropriate to state it here: When I was single, it frosted my jaws to encounter woman after woman who, although otherwise stable in every other way, kept throwing themselves at guys who were incapable of ever committing. A true relationship is one in which there is no question of mutual commitment, whether the question is "in your faces" or nagging at the back of your minds. Do what you will, but I don't think that this relationship is true or that it would last if you manufactured its continuation.

Depending on your self-assurance, thank him for the memories, turn your back, and look only forward. Of all the fish in the sea, this one should be thrown back.

Edited August 19, 2013 by TBoneTX

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Thank you all immensely for every ounce of support you have offered.

Ultimately, I'm still not 100% sure why things transpired between us the way they did.... this is all I can do to update you.

Tuesday brought the first time I'd seen him in over 6 weeks(one of the longest periods of time we'd ever been apart). Then, a counselling session, which started with us sitting on opposite ends of the room. I read him a long four page letter outlining how it hurt, why I was so confused, and asking why he didn't tell me earlier what was going on. Our counsellor, I believe was surprised to see us in this state. I was hurt, but read my letter anyways. Our counsellor said at the end of my letter "I'd like to just take a moment and tell you that I think that was, if not the best one of the best break up letters I have ever heard" and turned to Danny to point out how it was respectful and how painful it must have been to write. He agreed.

Nothing really got solved in that session at all. It was mostly a lot of emotion. Him somehow remaining basically cool and collected, and me barely being able to look at him. He took everything out of my immigration/visa binder. That I worked so diligently on, his financials, affidavit of support and intent to marry. I could feel my heart being torn.

That evening, he texted me to say how strange it was to be here(in my city) without me. We texted for a while about how much we loved and missed each other, I pointed out all the things we could have shared, and not understanding why he would give it all away. Out of basically nowhere. he said he knew how final this all seemed to me right now, but that life was long and often strange etc etc and not to talk about forever(in reference to the ending of our relationship).

I found out a little, about what he found as an issue. But I think I'll post my letter to him in a private message for anyone that cares to know the whole story. And how he could have said ANYTHING before this and helped it, or anything INSTEAD of this and helped it. This person who begged me never to give up on him, callously gave up on me.

at the end of the conversation, through many tears, he asked to take me to dinner the following night. I agreed. How could I not? I missed him and it was agony having him so close and yet so far.

Wednesday evening we had dinner and I went back to his hotel room with him. We talked for hours and hours. We cried, he had a full blown panic attack. One of the scariest things I've ever been a part of .

I told him what I really had thought had gotten to him, which was mostly, not about ME at all. And he agreed. He took responsibility and apologized for NOT doing many things as well as how he handled the actual break up. And that maybe what he really wanted was to slow down. I told him, going from 100 to 0 is not a slow down, it's a stop. And that I understood that he was scared, but that neither of us seemed to know where to go from here. He brought up the possibility of countinuing our sessions but I didn't understand how that was possible as two people who couldn't even be friends.

How can I do that to myself? I asked him. How can I just sit idly by and hope that one day you'll turn around and realise you made a mistake. That he'd somehow change his mind, it would be horrible. We held each other and both finally slept. The next day, Thursday, we went to a second session together. Meant mostly to talk about the decision I was facing. Which I already knew his stance on. But really, he walked in and sat down beside me and held my hand, kissed my hand, and held me close as I cried trying to explain that all I could think about was my love for him, and not knowing what to do. Our counsellor said it was a very large change from the previous change two days ago, and he again took a lot of responsibility for his actions and inactions. And she tried to figure out if there was a way that we would get back together, and I told her how it felt like he was dangling himself in front of me.

He mentioned a number of times that if we got to that point again, at least the visa process would be basically a breeze.

She(our counsellor) was obviously concerned for us both and he booked a session with her for tomorrow(Monday), by himself, which he'll attend via Skype.

I don't know what to expect, I just know that our last three days together felt right. I just feel it in my bones, that even if its over, he is the one for me. It's just too good.

I wish I understood fully why his fear overwhelmed him, and what if anything was going to happen with us from here on out. I just can't seem to grasp it all.

I miss him. I love him. I want him, and he tells me he feels the same, so how are we at this point? What am I supposed to do now?

Meghan

Was any decision reached about the pregnancy? I'm curious since you went to lengths to avoid a pregnancy.

[Meg and Danny 25]

Take it from a male viewpoint (mine): If you grit your teeth and continue, you can only expect more of the same behavior in the future. He's not ready. Depending on his age (if he's older than his late 20s), he might never be.

Personal note, with apologies if it's inappropriate to state it here: When I was single, it frosted my jaws to encounter woman after woman who, although otherwise stable in every other way, kept throwing themselves at guys who were incapable of ever committing. A true relationship is one in which there is no question of mutual commitment, whether the question is "in your faces" or nagging at the back of your minds. Do what you will, but I don't think that this relationship is true or that it would last if you manufactured its continuation.

Depending on your self-assurance, thank him for the memories, turn your back, and look only forward. Of all the fish in the sea, this one should be thrown back.

My self assurance is gone. He's 31. Do I think it had to do with commitment? Yes. Another thing our counsellor pointed out in passing was that he anted so badly to have me, a marriage and a family. But was he able to give that. I think he is figuring that out. About commitment, as we speak.

You can call me naive or misplacing my hope, but I think it's possible to find. Even if not tomorrow. He begged me for commitment, to never give up on him. He started every part of our course together. Dating, the proposal the visa.he acknowledged this. That it was him and not me at all, and that he wanted the promises he made to be true. Ie: willing to do anything to make it work.

As I mentioned, I know he is it for me. Even ifit means we're done. Even if it means his commitment issue never goes away, I owe it to that certainty to discover if its even possible.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Meg and Danny

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

It's amazing how you remain so coherent and lucid in such a difficult situation. If I was in this situation I'd be in too much of a mess to even write an account on here, let alone face him in front of a counsellor. You show a lot of qualities that bode well for motherhood should you choose to keep the baby. I'm not going to give any opinion on that as the situation with him is clearly still developing. Reading through this thread made me feel a huge amount of empathy for what you are going through, but I also understand the pressure that he must be under, even if his way of dealing with things was far too clinical and detached and he failed on communication big time.

I'm not sure what I'd do with regards to the relationship but from your last two posts it looks like you are more likely to go with your heart instead of your head. Going with your heart is harder but gives you the potential for much greater happiness, only you know if you can take the risk.Weigh your feelings against the potential for further hurt. The manner in which he ended things should be a cause for concern, but you might feel that what is happening will make him more emotionally mature, Whatever you decide with regards to the pregnancy and the relationship, I really hope that things work out for you, I've read a fair amount of bad relationship/ break up threads on VJ and this is the one that has elicited the most emotion from me as I read. Good luck.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Hotter Otter

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

My grandmother told me never to be "in love with love." There are other important factors to a marriage, not just feelings.

As a bystander, I am torn between the desire I have to be supportive of you in this very difficult situation, and the negative feelings I have for your fiance and his "controversial lifestyle." (I remember one of your first posts).

I know the visa is the last thing on your mind right now, but one thing that really rubbed me wrong in this story was that he cancelled the paperwork right away. That seems like a huge overreaction, and insulting to you. You aren't going to pursue the visa right now, so why bother to cancel it in the heat of the moment. I would have come to talk to you in person, not broken up over the phone, and figured things out, and left the visa as the least important thing. I am sort of offended for you that he did that...

I am going to send you a PM because I have a story about my friend and I don't think she'd want her story out there on the internet.

[Carla V 43]

I hope you found strenght and wisdom... sometimes is better not to wait for anything because life is too precious to waste it... dont waste your time, your tears and your love for something that could be but is not... believe me if you wont have the whole why settle with a part of what you really want?

Bless for you and all the prayers

[Meg and Danny 25]

My grandmother told me never to be "in love with love." There are other important factors to a marriage, not just feelings.

As a bystander, I am torn between the desire I have to be supportive of you in this very difficult situation, and the negative feelings I have for your fiance and his "controversial lifestyle." (I remember one of your first posts).

I know the visa is the last thing on your mind right now, but one thing that really rubbed me wrong in this story was that he cancelled the paperwork right away. That seems like a huge overreaction, and insulting to you. You aren't going to pursue the visa right now, so why bother to cancel it in the heat of the moment. I would have come to talk to you in person, not broken up over the phone, and figured things out, and left the visa as the least important thing. I am sort of offended for you that he did that...

I am going to send you a PM because I have a story about my friend and I don't think she'd want her story out there on the internet.

I'm offended too. I honestly, never thought he would do this. I certainly thought he'd at least want to work on it, and now, now he is the captain of mixed messages. All I can do is try not to get buried by my misery. and it's REALLY hard right now.

[TBoneTX 45,299]

He's doing you a favor. He's saving you a lot of time. He's enabling you to avoid ripping your life out by the roots to relocate to a new country for an unfulfilling, almost certainly short-term marriage. On your behalf, I'm thanking your lucky stars that this is happening now versus later, when the entanglements would be much more restrictive to break away from.

[Tanya and Barry 59]

He's doing you a favor. He's saving you a lot of time. He's enabling you to avoid ripping your life out by the roots to relocate to a new country for an unfulfilling, almost certainly short-term marriage. On your behalf, I'm thanking your lucky stars that this is happening now versus later, when the entanglements would be much more restrictive to break away from.

Si Man....

I know it may be hard for you to see right now but I really think TBone is spot on...

Edited August 24, 2013 by Tanya and Barry

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm offended too. I honestly, never thought he would do this. I certainly thought he'd at least want to work on it, and now, now he is the captain of mixed messages. All I can do is try not to get buried by my misery. and it's REALLY hard right now.

A lady I know is going through something similar (minus the pregnancy). Her husband is the king of mixed messages. Treating her like ####### (mostly just a deadbeat/cheating), then apologising and treating her nice and so on. The main difference (again excluding the pregnancy), is that he waited to "flip the switch" until she was here on her K1 visa. He put off AOS for a long time and is threatening divorce her while her AOS is processing. She's been here over a year now, built a life here and is old enough (40's+) that she doesn't want to "start over" again back in her home country.

One thing her husband says to her is the reason I liken her situation to yours, she said he told her he is "never" the bad guy in his relationships. He told her (while they were dating) that it was never him who ended the relationships, that he tried to remain friends. He says the same thing to her still, usually in the "good" stages between his shitty stages. Telling her friends that he doesn't understand why she thinks he's the bad guy.

I think your ex is the same. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. He is trying to "soften the blow" by doing the standard "it's not you, it's me" line. The problem here is that you're doing the typical female thing and reading what he does, instead of listening to what he says. Sometimes, that's okay, but in this case his actions are speaking VOLUMES!. I also think that your openness with him, your indecision about the pregnancy is the main reason why he's sending these mixed messages. He doesn't want to burn his bridges until he knows that he's "off the hook" or not. If you keep the child he may need you on his good side, if you abort, it won't matter. I'd be willing to bet if you told him you had decided to abort and told him you'd had it done already (true or not), he'll play nice for a week or two so he's "not the bad guy" but otherwise you might hear from him once in a while when he's lonely or bored and needs an ego boost, or not at all.

A guy I know left the US, gave up his GC (10 year one) and returned to his home country because his spouse was cheating, did the whole "transaction" emotionless and now is asking about when to send a present for his birthday! He's extremely confused by her behaviour but knows it's a gesture to make her feel good rather than actually about him. So she can tell herself she's being nice and he's being unreasonable.

I think you need to cut contact with your ex and come to your decisions by yourself. Read a book (or watch the movie) called "He's Just Not That Into You". There's even a Sex and the City episode about it. He has shown how little you REALLY mean to him by treating you so abhorrently at such a difficult time. He is not worth your heartache and time.

[Stacyyy 23]

This is awful. My heart breaks for you.

[Jim&Gracey 2]

Oh my.. please keep the baby alive, please..

Trust GOD.. Keep the faith. Everything will be fine soon. I hope you and your fiance will find a time to talk again. I will include you on my prayers..

[Jawaree 717]

Hey lady, I read your pain but stay strong, this dude seem a weak man

not totally ready to commit, one cannot flip flop on another life & feelings,

don't blame yourself neither should U fool yourself into thinking a baby

changes a man or bring him closer , it does not if that is not what he truly desire

I support U in whatever decision U make, that is between U & the almighty,

I also believe in a woman's right to choose... I wish you the best

[Villanelle 4,122]

This may be a little harsh but its how I see it- (very much along the lines of what Vanessa wrote)

Men are not inanimate objects. They are not like shoes that you can decide "he is the one for me" and the shoes got no choice but to comply. Its called free will. So while you may have determined that on paper you two are a good fit and in your heart he is the one, sadly it does not seem as if Danny feels the same.

If you go back and look at what hes telling you, really look at it- youll see that. He never says with the certainty you say it. You are the one for me. Its- I love you but this isnt going to work (because you are not the one for me). I love you but Im not ready (because you are not the one for me). I love you but I need to slow down because Im scared (since you are not the one for me).

Something happens when you find that right person. The one who is the right person for you. It makes all the pieces of the puzzle magically fit together and there is no 'but' in the sentences anymore.

When someone uses the word 'but' like that in a sentence its just to soften the blow. It means ignore everything I said before the 'but', what I really mean is whats after it.

Im getting the feeling you are going to a premarital consular and they are just stringing this out for additional sessions and fees rather then telling you bluntly its over and losing your business. You should seek out an individual consular in your area for a better perspective.