Broken Hearted at the last possible moment

[Meg and Danny 25]

Im sorry , take your time to make any decision, why dont you talk again to him! to make sure you'll take the right decision in your life ,

be strong , you'll be ok

He is flying in on Monday to have our appointment with our counsellor on Tuesday. It's called a dissolution appointment.

[Meg and Danny 25]

Was there anything about this guy that you did not try to "fix" or "change"? I'm way older than 16 but what sounds like tantrum behavior is insisting that someone apologize to you for something that really doesn't sound all that dam wrong for days and days. I believe that after marriage counseling and being told that I need to work on this or work on that and being told when I should feel sorry and how I should feel when I should feel it (before the marriage even kicked off) I might stop, recheck my cards, and throw in my hand as well. Can't judge either of you but judging that dude on this thread isn't right either.

Since you threw your story out you need to be told that you are coming across a classic control freak and I guarantee you that you will be a lot happier after you learn to accept people, faults or not, the way they are.

With that said a nod for your terrible story and wow what a terrible place to be right now. I feel bad that a little one is mixed up in this. Find a mirror, check it, accept your part, learn from it, and move on.

I think that you should know, I accepted everything. I apologized, I asked for counselling I communicated what I was feeling.

I asked him repetedly if he was sure this is what he wanted.

And his own closest friends told him it was an innapropriate thing to say given the context of the stuation. Which obviously I didn't print all of as it was pretty tough as it is.

For the record, I've never tried to change anything about him. Only asked that he make an effort to meet me half way.

This was also the advise of trained professionals.

More importantly, he never expressed even a shred of this issue prior to this week.

I doubt anyone who knows me, including him, would classify me as a control freak.

According to our therapist and to him, I am a "pleaser". All I asked for was a little consideration for what I was going though, all by myself.

I have never said that he was a bad person. I have never said that he or I was perfect. Please don't read into things that are not there.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Meg and Danny

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My (ex) fiancé, and our petitioner broke up with me on Thursday night, over the phone.

He has been here for a week about every 5 weeks and two in dec/jan and ALL of june.

almost three weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant. Despite being on birth control the whole time. I took it religiously. We made the decision to terminate and the procedure was eventually booked for next week. Our reasons were simple, it was a large transition period for the two of us, living together moving into a new home, not having a home of our own, not knowing what my earning potential and life will be like there. Fair enough, it made sense.

Obviously, for any of you that have been in my shoes, your hormones start to fluctuate, and I deliberately tried to focus on the hard parts of the early pregnancy in order to have mental fuel to do what I needed to do. I communicated this with him explicitly three times. I also told him a couple of times(most recently last Thursday)that I felt very lonely, having to go through this alone and that I needed him not to ignore the subject but give me some support and try to understand. Even a "there there" I would have accepted. Instead when I told him this he said I was being super emotional and complaint oriented. Amongst a few other choice words. I was very hurt and upset, and he just kept reiterating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth.

Note, he had NEVER apologized for anything he has ever said up until that point.

What I do know is it is Saturday, and I feel utterly hopeless and alone. And the reason for termination of the pregnancy no longer exists. And now that I've wasted a year and a half of my life, 35(the limit for me wanting to have kids as I have a family history of down syndrome babies being born after that point) is coming very quickly and this may literally be my only chance to have a child of my own. Single parenthood was never something I wanted, but do I end a life needlessly? The person who was supposed to be my partner in everything has abandoned me. But it would mean having to have him in my life to some degree for the rest of my life. and given the circumstances I don't really want that either.

I know you're not actually asking for people to tell you what to do, especially I think in the manner people have where they just TELL you what to do without reasoning (religion is not everyone's cup of tea, and not everyone believes that life begins at conception), but rather asking for rational arguments at a time where you feel emotional and out of control. So here's mine.

On reading your OP a few times, it reads to me like you don't want to terminate the pregnancy but felt "pushed" to do it due to circumstances out of your control, you said:

it was a large transition period for the two of us, living together moving into a new home, not having a home of our own, not knowing what my earning potential and life will be like there

You then also said:

I deliberately tried to focus on the hard parts of the early pregnancy in order to have mental fuel to do what I needed to do.

It reads to me like you were trying to be rational about something you didn't want. Convincing yourself it was the right choice, and i think that's one of the reasons why you felt so lonely. You felt like you were the only one who found this decision hard, you also felt unsupported in having to go through something pretty emotionally traumatic.

The reasons you mention for terminating need not be reasons at all. If you want the baby, then stay in Canada (whether you get back together or not) and finish the pregnancy there with the medical assistance of Canada's health system, and with the support of family and friends. That takes care of the medical side. The child will most likely be a USC (assuming your ex-fiance meets the requirements) and so on moving to the US (if that happened) you would be able to get government support (if needed) to help with the baby. Plenty of people have done this and do this.

Plenty of people end up with deadbeats for the other parent (sadly). I believe there would be a child support agreement between the US and Canada (there is one in Australia) so he would need to financially support his child. I believe Canada's at least a Hague country as well.

It is ultimately your body and your choice. Don't go into this thinking about whether he will be there or not. Go into it knowing what YOU want to do. What decision is right for YOU. Because you will be the one living with your decision. If you think that you want this baby, that you will make it work no matter what, then I say keep it. If you're not sure, I say keep it. You could always adopt out (termination isn't the only choice) or ask friends/family to help out. If you are 100% terrified, realise that you will be living in a cardboard box and know that you simply couldn't carry a child to term without serious emotional damage then termination might be your only choice.

Personally, if i were in your situation but in Australia I too would be terrified of the life change, but I would keep the baby. I know that I could rely on my government for help if needed, I would have friends and family members to look for for support. and I also know that I would love that child no matter what. I know that at my age (30 next week) my window for having children is narrowing, that I obviously got pregnant for a reason (I'm on Implanon so it would be really amazing!) and my kids would be well loved and looked after, no matter what.

**Edit - I should also mention I'm not 100% sure whether I can even have kids given some health concerns, that's why I would keep the baby. I would be so crazy happy (and terrified at the same time) that my body didn't let me down! I'm not trying to push you in any direction, more explaining to you why my direction would be what it would be Hope that helps. And like everyone else said, I'm here via PM if you need/want to talk.

Edited August 11, 2013 by VanessaTony

[ricnally 258]

All i can tell you is that having a child gives us something to live for, and even more drive and ambition to strive for the best in life.

shameless manipulation.

[Meg and Danny 25]

The reasons you mention for terminating need not be reasons at all. If you want the baby, then stay in Canada (whether you get back together or not) and finish the pregnancy there with the medical assistance of Canada's health system, and with the support of family and friends. That takes care of the medical side. The child will most likely be a USC (assuming your ex-fiance meets the requirements) and so on moving to the US (if that happened) you would be able to get government support (if needed) to help with the baby. Plenty of people have done this and do this.

The way he spoke, I just feel like it was final. Out of the blue, but final. He would meet the criteria for our baby to also be a dual citizen. But I don't think that means I can do anything but live here. Which is fine, though I was very excited for a new life.

[Meg and Danny 25]

I did not read into anything that was not there. You already noted that you took all of the necessary actions and if he had only worked on the things that needed to be worked on everything would have been fine. You brought in his friends and yes the trained professionals and yes you won at all costs.

You don't have your facts straight, I did not bring in his friends. He talked to them, I didn't even suggest it. He then told me what they said.

I had a trained professional in order to give US the best chance of success at US. They pointed out that this would be something we would have to overcome. As it is an integral part of any marriage. They called it the glue that holds people together when times are tough.

I was willing to deal with my ability to manage my own expectations, and I did so. But I asked him to please be sensitive to this issue. I don't think anyone in that situation would have not asked for some empathy when you are 3000 km away and having to deal with the changes in your body alone. and going to a scary procedure alone.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I trust in what I know, and what actually transpired.

Edited August 11, 2013 by Meg and Danny

[LoveMyTico 999]

I know you're not actually asking for people to tell you what to do, especially I think in the manner people have where they just TELL you what to do without reasoning (religion is not everyone's cup of tea, and not everyone believes that life begins at conception), but rather asking for rational arguments at a time where you feel emotional and out of control. So here's mine.

On reading your OP a few times, it reads to me like you don't want to terminate the pregnancy but felt "pushed" to do it due to circumstances out of your control, you said:

You then also said:

It reads to me like you were trying to be rational about something you didn't want. Convincing yourself it was the right choice, and i think that's one of the reasons why you felt so lonely. You felt like you were the only one who found this decision hard, you also felt unsupported in having to go through something pretty emotionally traumatic.

The reasons you mention for terminating need not be reasons at all. If you want the baby, then stay in Canada (whether you get back together or not) and finish the pregnancy there with the medical assistance of Canada's health system, and with the support of family and friends. That takes care of the medical side. The child will most likely be a USC (assuming your ex-fiance meets the requirements) and so on moving to the US (if that happened) you would be able to get government support (if needed) to help with the baby. Plenty of people have done this and do this.

Plenty of people end up with deadbeats for the other parent (sadly). I believe there would be a child support agreement between the US and Canada (there is one in Australia) so he would need to financially support his child. I believe Canada's at least a Hague country as well.

It is ultimately your body and your choice. Don't go into this thinking about whether he will be there or not. Go into it knowing what YOU want to do. What decision is right for YOU. Because you will be the one living with your decision. If you think that you want this baby, that you will make it work no matter what, then I say keep it. If you're not sure, I say keep it. You could always adopt out (termination isn't the only choice) or ask friends/family to help out. If you are 100% terrified, realise that you will be living in a cardboard box and know that you simply couldn't carry a child to term without serious emotional damage then termination might be your only choice.

Personally, if i were in your situation but in Australia I too would be terrified of the life change, but I would keep the baby. I know that I could rely on my government for help if needed, I would have friends and family members to look for for support. and I also know that I would love that child no matter what. I know that at my age (30 next week) my window for having children is narrowing, that I obviously got pregnant for a reason (I'm on Implanon so it would be really amazing!) and my kids would be well loved and looked after, no matter what.

**Edit - I should also mention I'm not 100% sure whether I can even have kids given some health concerns, that's why I would keep the baby. I would be so crazy happy (and terrified at the same time) that my body didn't let me down! I'm not trying to push you in any direction, more explaining to you why my direction would be what it would be Hope that helps. And like everyone else said, I'm here via PM if you need/want to talk.

I was a single mother of 3 children... I was never scared of doing it all by myself, I was never on public assistance and my kids turned out to be 3 very loving and caring people. They all do well in school and I can honestly say... They were the best things that EVER happened to me. Hands down. You can do anything you put your mind to. Don't let any man tell you what to do or how to live your life.... If you want that child..... then have that baby in Canada. Things always work out . Some of the best kids come from single parent homes.

[LoveMyTico 999]

You don't have your facts straight, I did not bring in his friends. He talked to them, I didn't even suggest it. He then told me what they said.

I had a trained professional in order to give US the best chance of success at US. They pointed out that this would be something we would have to overcome. As it is an integral part of any marriage. They called it the glue that holds people together when times are tough.

I was willing to deal with my ability to manage my own expectations, and I did so. But I asked him to please be sensitive to this issue. I don't think anyone in that situation would have not asked for some empathy when you are 3000 km away and having to deal with the changes in your body alone. and going to a scary procedure alone.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I trust in what I know, and what actually transpired.

you don't owe anyone an explanation for your feelings... When people are stressed out and have tons of emotional stuff going on, sometimes we get a little crazy. An empathetic ear helps.. Someone to say " don't worry, everything will be ok" sometimes that is all it takes to make someone feel better.

I totally understand you.

[Angela256z 30]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Just remember that if you choose not to do the abortion that there are people in this world who would adopt your child if you feel you can't raise it, but in the end this decision is yours. Don't let people try to sway you. You know your family history, you know where you are in life, and you know how your life will be with your final decision. Only you can make that choice.

Find some friends and family that are supportive and talk to them.

Again, I am so sorry about your situation.

[kenyanqueen 1]

am really sorry for what you are going through, i can only but imagine, I think you have the answers in your heart, listen to it and do what you feel will be good for you.put everything in consideration before you make any decisions. all the best you will be in my prayers,

[rascalcat 28]

shameless manipulation

I am just speaking from experience. I have been through a situation much the same years ago, and unless you have actually been there yourself then you have no idea what it is like.

Knowing what i know now, and the help that is out there, it would have been an easier choice to make the decision to keep the baby. I however miscarried. I still think about the baby i lost. It is something i will carry with me for the rest of my life. Had i gone through with a termination, i know this would have been even harder on me still. At the time i had no idea how hard it would have been.

Having been in a similar situation, i am trying to shed some light on things, not put pressure on any right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. The decision is not an easy one to make either way.

I have a baby now, and I can say that having a child made me want to strive for the very best. This is not about manipulation, i am just being open and honest here. I always wanted to be a mother just like Meg. And now that i am i really understand what i have been missing out on. The slightest hint of having a second thoughts of having a termination is usually an indication that deep down its not the option you want to choose.

[Bridget ~ Steven 3]

Single parenthood is very challenging. Be sure you get a good support system in place - not just your family - to help. La Leche League and other groups are great to visit during pregnancy to meet others.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I'm also sorry it will tie you together with him for at least 18 years. Single parenthood with a lousy dad/ex is even more challenging.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Of course I can make a judgement call. It's one call. You also cannot call someone a loser who according to the OP's own words cheerfully threw himself into the task of getting himself fixed up to be exactly what the women he appears to have cared about wanted him to be.

A man who walks away from the woman he impregnated and is unconcerned about her feelings about the whole thing and then

ends the relationship with one phone call, at the time of booking the final flight after the visa was issued, is not only a loser but an ####### hole.

He also did not throw himself cheerfully into what he needed to do as you claim, but only after a long period of time reluctantly admitted he was wrong when his friends spelled it out to him.

He continues to be a loser for running like a coward unless he comes to his senses and starts manning up and supporting her and their relationship if she still wants it.

[LoveMyTico 999]

You're right. I'm not a doormat, but I'm also not a control freak. Ill be sure to ask that if you like and ill tell you verbatim what he says.

Again to reiterate he was happy to agree to counselling as he wanted it to work, at least he dd at some point. And the only apology he has ever offered was heart felt and sincere. One time, I got an apology. If one time to apologize to your life partner breaks a camels back, did you really want to be there?

well, now you see the true colors..

Do you really want to be with someone who bails when you really need him? Will you ever be able to trust him if he actually comes back? I think I would always be paranoid that he would leave if things got rough. Nothing is perfect, but everything deserves a chance. It seems he wasn't willing to contribute anything. Collect yourself, make decisions when you have had time to really think about it. I think you need to realize he checked out emotionally...

So he breaks up with you and if you abort the baby, he is off scott free. Don't let him talk you into doing something you are not sure you want to do....PLEASE....

[ricnally 258]

I am just speaking from experience. I have been through a situation much the same years ago, and unless you have actually been there yourself then you have no idea what it is like.

Knowing what i know now, and the help that is out there, it would have been an easier choice to make the decision to keep the baby. I however miscarried. I still think about the baby i lost. It is something i will carry with me for the rest of my life. Had i gone through with a termination, i know this would have been even harder on me still. At the time i had no idea how hard it would have been.

Having been in a similar situation, i am trying to shed some light on things, not put pressure on any right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. The decision is not an easy one to make either way.

I have a baby now, and I can say that having a child made me want to strive for the very best. This is not about manipulation, i am just being open and honest here. I always wanted to be a mother just like Meg. And now that i am i really understand what i have been missing out on. The slightest hint of having a second thoughts of having a termination is usually an indication that deep down its not the option you want to choose.

I'm in my 50s and have been through some "situations" myself. I think your statement, "There is no right or wrong", is the very best advice you can give the OP. The rest just confuses the issue.