Broken Hearted at the last possible moment

[Meg and Danny 25]

My (ex) fiancé, and our petitioner broke up with me on Thursday night, over the phone.

When we filed back in march, I asked him to be SURE this is what he wanted. I didn't want to wind up having a change of mind half way into it and break my heart. I asked him that because I've been hurt a number of times by men who say one thing and do another in the past. He calmed my nerves and told me he couldn't see his life with anyone but me.

To say that its been smooth sailing the whole time would be a lie. But it hasn't been detrimental either. I insisted we go to premarital counselling if he was serious in order to have the tools to make our relationship and marriage successful. In counselling among other things, it was discovered we were a very good match(both on paper according to their very long expectations and history quiz) and in practice. The one area we really had to work on was his ability to be empathetic and kind when dealing with sensitive topics. and for me to manage my expecatations knowing it was hard for him.

He has been here for a week about every 5 weeks and two in dec/jan and ALL of june.

almost three weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant. Despite being on birth control the whole time. I took it religiously. We made the decision to terminate and the procedure was eventually booked for next week. Our reasons were simple, it was a large transition period for the two of us, living together moving into a new home, not having a home of our own, not knowing what my earning potential and life will be like there. Fair enough, it made sense.

Obviously, for any of you that have been in my shoes, your hormones start to fluctuate, and I deliberately tried to focus on the hard parts of the early pregnancy in order to have mental fuel to do what I needed to do. I communicated this with him explicitly three times. I also told him a couple of times(most recently last Thursday)that I felt very lonely, having to go through this alone and that I needed him not to ignore the subject but give me some support and try to understand. Even a "there there" I would have accepted. Instead when I told him this he said I was being super emotional and complaint oriented. Amongst a few other choice words. I was very hurt and upset, and he just kept reiterating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth.
Note, he had NEVER apologized for anything he has ever said up until that point.

We didn't speak for a day and a bit. Then he contacted me acting as if nothing had ever happened. I said, I need you to address what happened and not ignore it. He again, missed the point and just kept repeating he wasn't going to apologize for saying the truth. I told him, again, that it wasn't that I needed an apology because it was a lie, I didn't care if it was the truth, it was just a terribly unkind thing for him to say. That it would be great if he could look up or ask me what I'm going through and maybe the procedure I would have to endure without him which scared and saddened me.

He decided to talk to two of his close friends, and after doing so, for the first time ever, apologized for what he said, said he felt terrible about the whole situation. Because his friends told him what he said was mean and inappropriate.

he went on to say how much he missed me and loved me and looked forward to our lives together. he posted on facebook a cute picture that we were a "match" of a little chameleon sitting on the end of a match stick and matching it's colour.

That was four days before he broke up with me.

The day of and the day before, he reiterated how much he loved me and we talked about the final things we were waiting for for our visa. Anxiously! The final step came on Thursday and I told him I expected to be able to pay the fee that day. He told me he called united airlines and was able to gift me his points so that I could take the plane to Vancouver free of charge.

That was an hour before he broke up with me.

I called him to say, my visa debit card didn't work on the site for payment of visa interview fee. He told me we should talk before I did that. And then proceeded to ramble about how we are just too different to make it work and are not the right person for each other.

This is how he left our whole relationship, and me, before an abortion. An abrupt phone call that made no sense, given everything else he said and everything we've been through. I don't know how long he was planning it. I don't understand it AT ALL.

What I do know is it is Saturday, and I feel utterly hopeless and alone. And the reason for termination of the pregnancy no longer exists. And now that I've wasted a year and a half of my life, 35(the limit for me wanting to have kids as I have a family history of down syndrome babies being born after that point) is coming very quickly and this may literally be my only chance to have a child of my own. Single parenthood was never something I wanted, but do I end a life needlessly? The person who was supposed to be my partner in everything has abandoned me. But it would mean having to have him in my life to some degree for the rest of my life. and given the circumstances I don't really want that either.

I'm shocked, I'm devastated. I returned our pet birds to their breeders(we had to file for a special permit for them, last week!). It has broken every shred of decency and trust and love that I think I had in me.

I feel hopeless and alone. And I don't want to feel anymore.

He begged me not to give up on him. I never did. He gave up on us. And for what? Because emotionally it was hard to be compatible? I don't understand at all.

Edited August 10, 2013 by Meg and Danny

[SherryandDaniel 4]

I'm so sorry Meg. I can only imagine how much pain you must be in right now. The best thing to do right now is to talk with trusted friends or family. Do you have anyone you close by that is a support system? You have a lot of choices to make regarding how to move on and the pregnancy. I think it's better to talk through these with someone just to get some clarity. Does anyone else know you are pregnancy besides your ex-fiancé?

[iamthebest 2]

Just pray>> God will never leave you,,He is a comforter! just believe

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

wow you are handling a lot right now.

The last of immigration is stressful more than many people know. Everyone is about to have a major life change. One is about to leave home and country and the other is about to be totally responsible for another. An abortion is also incredibly stressful and comes with all the emotions of a death in the family along with all the negative vibs from the religious zealots. There is a good chance part of his behavior is a guilt reaction to the impending abortion. Men are terrible at vocalizing their opinions and needs. You also have needs and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Talk to who ever in your support system will be most supportive. If you decide to keep the baby inform him, he needs to know even if he chooses to not be a part in the child's life. Single motherhood is no cake walk but people have managed for years. I was raised by a single mother after the yearly death of my father and my mother did a good job.

Good luck with whatever path you pick

[LmmL 46]

If he gave up on the relationship, don't give up on your baby in your tummy. God never give up on you. Please don't do the abortion. Spend time with people who lift you up (family & friends).

[Meg and Danny 25]

Thanks for the support everyone, right now I'm trying to manage the feeling that I will always feel this hopeless and betrayed. I will make the rest of the decision later this week.

[Azsara 110]

Im not in your situation but I ask you please dont end the life of your baby. Your baby was conceived for a purpose. You may have the future president in your stomach, or the scientist that finds a cure for cancer. Who knows! What a wonderful gift you have to be carrying a baby

[ricnally 258]

It's only been a couple of days. Any chance he might change his mind?

Also, Holy Pro Life on this thread! Shame on everyone for trying to sway you on this very personal decision.

[Azsara 110]

It's only been a couple of days. Any chance he might change his mind?

Also, Holy Pro Life on this thread! Shame on everyone for trying to sway you on this very personal decision.

Actually the OP specifically asked us whether she should get an abortion or not

Single parenthood was never something I wanted, but do I end a life needlessly?

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Wow, this is a heartbreaker.

I agree that being close to family is the most important, and take things a day or even an hour at a time. Try to avoid major decisions right now, what you need to do will become clearer as the days wear on. Take care of yourself and find someone you can talk to.

Also, to the above, the OP was asking a rhetorical question. She wasn't asking for your thoughts on a difficult and personal decision.

[milkydj13 2]

Hi Meg. I know it is very difficult for you. But i hope in the end you will decide to keep your baby. It is a blessing. Things may be not easy for now, but im sure it will eventually get better. Seek support from your friends and family. I will pray for you and your baby.

[Azsara 110]

Wow, this is a heartbreaker.

I agree that being close to family is the most important, and take things a day or even an hour at a time. Try to avoid major decisions right now, what you need to do will become clearer as the days wear on. Take care of yourself and find someone you can talk to.

Also, to the above, the OP was asking a rhetorical question. She wasn't asking for your thoughts on a difficult and personal decision.

If she didnt want peoples' thoughts on her situation she wouldnt be posting it on a public forum.

It'd be different if people were being distasteful in replying saying "you're this or that if you have an abortion" or "you're selfish if you decide to keep the baby", as long as the replies are constructive and her wellbeing is considered in peoples' answers then no one is stepping out of line.

[criticalchris 13]

I am terribly sorry to hear about your personal circumstances... I can't even imagine what you are going through, especially when you were supposed to be starting a new and amazing chapter in your life.

I will back up what a few others have said and advise you to ignore the bible bashing pro-lifers in this thread. VJ is sadly overrun with people that want to force their own lifestyle opinions down your throat rather than give simple visa advice or congratulations on visa progress which is what we are supposed to be here for. If you two had come to the decision to abort the baby, and you felt comfortable with it, why would you change your mind now, especially considering the circumstances and considering the position of its potential father? People on this site just make me shake my head at humanity sometimes... people that I'm sure have no qualms walking past a homeless person on the street but feel the need to convince someone they don't know and will never meet to make an intensely personal decision with huge and lasting ramifications. These people don't know you or your situation so the advice they give can only be misguided, misinformed and most likely for selfish reasons to do with their own personal views. I advise you to make this decision yourself without any outside influence. That is the only advice anyone here should be giving you, and shame on anyone that does the opposite.

Once again, I am terribly sorry to hear that this has happened to you. My thoughts are with you.

Edited August 10, 2013 by criticalchris

[ricnally 258]

If she didnt want peoples' thoughts on her situation she wouldnt be posting it on a public forum.

It'd be different if people were being distasteful in replying saying "you're this or that if you have an abortion" or "you're selfish if you decide to keep the baby", as long as the replies are constructive and her wellbeing is considered in peoples' answers then no one is stepping out of line.

Nope, disagree. I think the only answer to her question (if she indeed asked us in the first place) is "only you can decide that".

[Gracevi 3]

Sorry to hear that, but everything happens for a reason. I know (or can imagine) how hard it`s been, but time is the best to heal your heart. If you felt pregnant even being on a birth control, I believe that there`s a reason behind that. Maybe it was meant to be.

Everything is gonna be alright! Believe in yourself! Take care!