Bonding with fiancés mother

[melimax 1]

Hi everyone,

I am American and my fiancé is French (but lived in the US for 2 years during our relationship on a student visa). I've known my fiancé for almost 3 years, and I have traveled to France a few times to meet his family.

My French is not so great (who can learn a new language in a couple years without taking classes? I sure can't!). I can understand a bit, but speaking is still difficult for me.

His sister speaks some English, but his mother and grandparents speak none. His mother knows a little English, but is too shy to speak.

My question is:

How do you bond with somebody who doesn't speak your language? I am trying really hard, but it is becoming more and more difficult to bond with her. In fact, I am becoming more sad because when I speak English, I hear her say "Speak French!" or "Why did you say that in English?" to her son, my fiancé. Something as simple as "can I please have some water?" needs to be said in French. It's really bringing me down emotionally, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't understand why it is so wrong to speak some English when I don't know the words in French.

I know that I will be fluent one day, but for now it is hard.

Does anybody have any advice for getting along with your fiancés family?

Thanks in advance!

[Jacque67 7,328]

Don't bother. Mother in laws are a pain in the a¥¥

[Ontarkie 14,221]

I don't think you are going to see any bonding happening. It takes two to make it work and she doesn't seem to be helping.

[Calypso 464]

What does your fiance have to say about his mom's attitude? Did he give you tips to make it easier for you and his mom and family to interact?

I agree with the other posters. Once you take her son away to the US, your future MIL and her family would be of little significance so you need not bond with them now. However, if you wish to try harder and play goody-goody, you could consider learning what his mom likes best. Will she enjoy teaching you how to cook her favorite meals for the family? Can you play sports together or go knitting and crocheting? Are there books and authors that you both know and may discuss? Is she open in teaching you French?

If nothing works, quit feeling like a pushover. It's best that as early as now, you establish boundaries and not show his family that you could be a doormat.

[Darnell 8,478]

sorry, domination comes from 'on top'.

yer at the bottom of the food chain, at the moment.

Since you have a computer and internet access, suggest you find the FREE language classes from the FREE MIT project, and study with all the spare time you can muster.

[Golden Gate 530]

Try this:

http://www.yabla.com/

[NikLR 13,227]

I agree with Darnell, you likely have to learn French or learn to deal with the fact that most people don't get along fantastically with their in-laws. I hated my ex's in-laws and honestly, beyond skype, I've never met my current ones. I can't say how I feel about them honestly. My sister loves her in-laws though so it happens occasionally. It takes two to tango, if she's not willing to try and speak English, do the best you can with French but don't be surprised if it doesn't change anything.

[melimax 1]

Thank you everybody for your thoughts!

I am trying to commit 30 minutes a day to studying French with online tools, but I will put more focus on it once I am done with grad school in a few months. For now it is too much on my plate.

Being goody-goody is really draining me this summer (I'm visiting France for 7 weeks during my summer vacation), and I think I just feel a little left out while I'm here because I can only talk to him. But, I'm trying to keep a smile on my face to make everybody happy. I spoke to him about it yesterday, and he encouraged me to speak a little English with her and that I should never feel forced to learn his language overnight just because his family won't speak with me. (He understands because he knows how hard it was for him to learn English)

As for activities with her.... not so much. She is one of those people who wants things done a certain way. So for helping to do the dishes or clean the house or cooking, she prefers to do it herself.

[Jacque67 7,328]

It is great that you are learning French, but I would stay clear of her , especially when you have children.

[melimax 1]

It is great that you are learning French, but I would stay clear of her , especially when you have children.

haha, well.... I doubt I can really stay clear 100% because his family is really really close (like skype calls 2x a week with his family when we were living in Canada together). So I am sure there will be family vacations in France in my future with the children...

[Teddy B 17,252]

As Calypso has said food and cooking are a universal language and could be a great bonding agent. But don't try too hard to the point where you're giving in to her every whim, there has to be respect both ways for any relationship to be a good one.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

There might be all sorts of worries going through her mind right now - fears of losing her son to a different life overseas, not being able to see her future grandchildren easily, not being able to talk to her English speaking grandchildren easily - all of that might be triggered every time the language difficulties come up for her.

Most (good) parents place a priority on their children's happiness above their own though, so that over time as she gets to see you more, and see how happy you make her son I am sure she will want to make more of an effort with you.

It is hard being in a country where you can't just relax and speak your own language to everyone - you are having an amazing chance to experience what life will be like for your fiance when he moves - even when you have great foreign language skills, it's not the same as being able to chat in your own language.

I think the more effort you make to speak French, and to show her that you are really trying, and to convey that you want to embrace her country and language the more relaxed she will become and the more relaxed you will feel in turn.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

If she doesn't know English then her coaxing you to say it in French might be coming off as strong/rude when she doesn't mean it like that. Just as you saying things in French could sound horrible to her and you don't know. It's entirely possible that she is trying to "help" you learn French by making you do some sort of immersion.

I speak French and while I hear all sorts of stories of people getting rude behavior and snobbery while on vacation, I have gotten nothing but kindness and people going out of their way to help me when I visit France. I attribute this to my language ability (though I do make mistakes). In my experience French people really like people to make an effort and speak French. So, I don't know what she is thinking, obviously, but it seems to me that she wants you to keep trying. You say "I really don't see what;s wrong in speaking English." Well, maybe she sees something wrong in it. She may think, if you speak a little, you should be able to ask for things in French, like water.

Do you speak any other language?

Why don't I have a French husband? *sigh*

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Have you read this book - Almost French

http://www.amazon.com/Almost-French-Love-Life-Paris/dp/B000CDG8EW

It's written by an Australian woman who married a French guy and moves to Paris - her struggles with the language and customs etc

[*Snowdrop* 604]

*double post

Edited August 9, 2013 by *Lynne*