Bonding with fiancés mother

[melimax 1]

I agree with what you are all saying. Of course I am making an effort to say things like "can I please have some water?" in French. But sometimes at the end of the day during dinner, my mind is so boggled with French that I can't formulate simple sentences.... not to mention the fact that I don't understand what she is saying to me when she uses slang (my fiancé told me that he is annoyed at her because he noticed that sometimes she uses hard words around me that I wouldn't know)

I'm hoping that with time, she will continue to see that I am making an effort. Because the fact is that she won't even come to the US because she is afraid of the English language. So I can imagine that she must be taking in the fact that he son is engaged to an American, and maybe it's overwhelming to her.

We'll see how this goes in a few years. We just got engaged a few months ago, so maybe she's still trying to see if our relationship is really going to "make it"

And as for the book.... I heard about that one a few months ago but I had forgotten about it! I'll look into buying a used copy

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Another thought: If the MIL doesn't speak another language at all, she might not know how hard it is. The ancient Greeks thought that if you put a baby in isolation it would just naturally start speaking Greek, because it was plainly obvious to them that that was the "natural language." MIL might think her words are normal and not really understand or have the experience of grabbing different words from thin air. She might not know that the "hard" words are difficult, either. Have you read Huckleberry Finn, when Huck describes to Jim what the French call things? Jim just can't get why they would have different words for things because it is obvious that a king is called a king and not a roi (I can't remember the exact examples in the book). Obviously in a more global society people know this, but knowing it intellectually an really experiencing it are different.

Has she travelled at all? It sounds odd she is afraid to go to the US.

[melimax 1]

Another thought: If the MIL doesn't speak another language at all, she might not know how hard it is. The ancient Greeks thought that if you put a baby in isolation it would just naturally start speaking Greek, because it was plainly obvious to them that that was the "natural language." MIL might think her words are normal and not really understand or have the experience of grabbing different words from thin air. She might not know that the "hard" words are difficult, either. Have you read Huckleberry Finn, when Huck describes to Jim what the French call things? Jim just can't get why they would have different words for things because it is obvious that a king is called a king and not a roi (I can't remember the exact examples in the book). Obviously in a more global society people know this, but knowing it intellectually an really experiencing it are different.

Has she travelled at all? It sounds odd she is afraid to go to the US.

That makes perfect sense. Good way of looking at it.

She travelled to California once, maybe 20 years ago with a French tour group. So I can imagine that there was zero English exposure during that trip. And to be honest, I haven't heard much about his family traveling elsewhere. He studied in the French part of Canada a few years ago, and his mother and sister came to visit him there... but I can imagine that it was easier for them because it was 100% French speaking there. But something I find weird is that while I am here in France for the summer... I don't even think she feels safe about my fiancé and I taking a weekend trip to Belgium or Germany, for example. It even seems like we can't visit other parts of France.... it's like we're stuck in this region.

I don't know. She's overprotective a bit because he is her only son, and her husband passed away many years ago when my fiancé was just a child. So I understand why his family is SO close. But at the same time, I just wish I could fit in and get to know his family a little bit better while I am here for the summer. But I leave in 3 weeks and it's not looking like that's going to happen this year.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Well, it's a generalisation but one I've found to be true - Americans tend to bond more quickly, share their heart and life more openly and quickly than many Europeans do.

For example it would take me several years to even talk to my next door neighbour beyond a small smile and a polite hello, and I would definitely be referring to him as Mr Smith on any occasion I had to talk to him, whereas my (American) husband will be calling him Jim and inviting him round for dinner within a couple of hours of meeting him.

So you might need to adjust your expectations slightly for the bonding process. It will probably be a slower pace than you might have hoped for but it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

And she is probably dreading him moving so far away - and worries she will never see him again. Perhaps keep including her in details about your plans to travel back and visit regularly (I assume you are.)

Again if you are making her son happy she will warm up to you. And by the time you give her a couple of (French-speaking) grandchildren I'm sure you will feel better about it all.

[Darnell 8,478]

Sometimes bonding moments occur if'n you sponser the trip for the two of you to go to a Day-Spa.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Well, it's a generalisation but one I've found to be true - Americans tend to bond more quickly, share their heart and life more openly and quickly than many Europeans do.

For example it would take me several years to even talk to my next door neighbour beyond a small smile and a polite hello, and I would definitely be referring to him as Mr Smith on any occasion I had to talk to him, whereas my (American) husband will be calling him Jim and inviting him round for dinner within a couple of hours of meeting him.

So you might need to adjust your expectations slightly for the bonding process. It will probably be a slower pace than you might have hoped for but it doesn't mean it isn't happening.

And she is probably dreading him moving so far away - and worries she will never see him again. Perhaps keep including her in details about your plans to travel back and visit regularly (I assume you are.)

Again if you are making her son happy she will warm up to you. And by the time you give her a couple of (French-speaking) grandchildren I'm sure you will feel better about it all.

This varies with where one lives, it is usually the exact opposite in large US cities. Go to NY City or Boston and people won't even make eye contact with you, let alone start a dialogue.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Sometimes bonding moments occur if'n you sponser the trip for the two of you to go to a Day-Spa.

Gotta take care of yer gear....................la!

[Operator 1,927]

My MIL tells everyone her SIL is a mute...that biotch.

[melimax 1]

My MIL tells everyone her SIL is a mute...that biotch.

On that note, yes! I must add that I hate seeming like a mute when I'm usually pretty chatty!

[Darnell 8,478]

Gotta take care of yer gear....................la!

Excelsior !

Why would you want to refer to female anatomy bits as 'gear', though?

[Teddy B 17,252]

Excelsior !

Why would you want to refer to female anatomy bits as 'gear', though?

Gear is not gender specific.

I think pretty much anything sounds better than "bits"...........Aye!!

[Darnell 8,478]

Gear is not gender specific.

I think pretty much anything sounds better than "bits"...........Aye!!

That's a lot of context yer ignoring.

Gender of the poster and mother, for one.

You do realize yer being disrespectful to the one with a question, in your daily attempt to bait me, yes?

Go Back, tell the Boss, I'm not biting..

[Teddy B 17,252]

That's a lot of context yer ignoring.

Gender of the poster and mother, for one.

You do realize yer being disrespectful to the one with a question, in your daily attempt to bait me, yes?

Go Back, tell the Boss, I'm not biting..

No baiting, but it does appear you've been caught.

Would it not be just as disrespectful to continue the dialogue, alas...................I do think so!

Edited August 9, 2013 by Teddy B

[duraaraa 203]

Steering the car back on the road, I'm lucky because not only do I get along well with some of my wife's siblings, but we actually all lived together in Mongolia, so I know them like family. Her parents passed away when she was three years old, so I didn't have a chance to meet them, obviously.

It's really strange how many people there are who hate their in laws by default. I think in poorer countries, you depend on your in laws, so you count on them more, and like them more by default. Who knows?

[NikLR 13,227]

Honestly I think it depends on how your in-laws treat you. With my ex I started liking everyone, but his mom gradually showed her true colours and his one sister was always a back stabber. I gradually started liking his other sister though and we were becoming close until he and I broke up. His father never liked me. Even my ex would say "he doesn't hate you but I don't know if he likes you or not."

I know my current MIL and BIL would like me if I lived near them. My MIL started out disliking me immensely and after one skype conversation did a 180 degree turn and has since told me she wishes her other son's wife was more like me so he'd be happy like my husband.