Stress and life in the US

[mymarriagejourney 113]

My husband does 90% of the cleaning around here, because he's a freaking perfectionist. He does quite a bit of cooking, too. I wasn't talking about that kind of "spoiled." The money thing is mostly what I was referring to. It's a new experience for him to worry about money.

[abbi627 43]

My husband is definitely not spoiled about money either. They don't have much. But what I do think will be a total shock is the cost of living here. No we do not get free satellite TV. Yes rent can be $1000 a month or more. Car payment, car insurance, health insurance, utilities, food, gas for the car, etc. So even though the amount of money we make can sound like a lot - factor in the cost of living and it is not much. I work 2 jobs - 7 days a week. And I struggle sometimes.

He seems shocked that we have to go to a doctor here to get a prescription for medication. There he just goes and tells the pharmacist what he needs. Nope not here. He aske "not even antibiotics"..... nope not even them. Got to see a doctor before you can get any medicine.

I'm sure there will be other surprises for him. I do try to prepare him as best I can. And I will be with him every step of the way to make the transition as smooth as possible. But I expect some bumps in the road. From what I have read from all of you - that is normal. I just want him to be happy.

[abbi627 43]

You know I just realized something. I think I know why I am wondering how he will adjust. It is because I am having a hard time adjusting after being in Morocco for a few months. And I have lived in the US all my life. But a few months in Morocco and now I am back here and actually not adjusting too well. I am working two jobs - you all know how that is. I am tired all the time. My one job is a pre-school teacher and I have some behavioral issue kids and I have been beat on so much it is ridiculous. I am covered in bruises from being kicked repeatedly and yesterday Friday I took a hard punch to the throat and could not swallow for a short time. I am feeling so much stress. I have asthma and the Florida humidity does not help. Some of the people I come in contact with are just.....there are no words. My family won't speak to me because of their prejudice. Not so much because of my husband but because I am Muslim. And I miss my husband and his family and life there on the farm. Yeah I know it is a hard life over there. And in some ways I have it easier over here - I have ac, I have a car, I don't have to wash my clothes by hand, I can throw something in the microwave, I can take a hot bath....etc. But I would trade all that without a second thought to be back in Morocco if it were possible. So if I am having trouble adjusting then I wonder how he will feel. Only time will tell.

Now off to my weekend job at a veterinary hospital. I have to give a bath to a cat. And this cat hates me! This is going to be fun. The cat acts like it wants to kill me just when I put my hands in the cage to feed her and change her litter box. Now I have to put her in the bathtub???? Wish me luck.

[Happytobe 164]

Abbi, I'm sending you hugs! (and some bandages for the war wounds from the cat bath) My husband, as I've said somewhere on here before, intends to come here and save money so we can retire in Morocco in "a few years." I keep telling him that it will take more than a few to save up enough money for retirement. He knows what I make (which is not extraordinary, but above average) and I think he's under the impression he will make that much too. The reality is, he'll be lucky to make minimum wage nowadays... He's used to hailing a cab to be taken anywhere in the city, or walking when it's close enough. Here, everything is so spaced out, and a cab would cost a small fortune! If it weren't for both of us agreeing that my student loans need to be paid off, I would have moved there. We are lucky, though, that both of our families are accepting of our choices. Even though I'm not incredibly close to my family, I can't imagine not having them there. I'm so sad for you on that front. I have to take my hat off to you for teaching kids. That's an honorable accomplishment, especially since it's a physical battle some days for you (or any teacher).

Many of the experiences I've read in this thread, give me hope that my husband will do well. I know he will only show frustration on the worst days, which is kind of sad, but a great thing. Many of my friends say to try and get him hired where I work, but unfortunately, my company doesn't pay well for most of their associates and the benefits are not that great. As much as I love my job, I feel for those not in a specialty field. He will take what he can get originally, and the "extra" income will help. He'll be making less than I do for a while, and I don't know how he will feel about that. We do discuss it, and he says it's ok and that it will make him work harder to do better.

He has mentioned, a few times, that he sees what the U.S. is like in movies and he's not intimidated.... I tell him it's similar, but so different, and he can't "be prepared" by what he sees in movies....

mimolicious - Walmart is notorious for having a "no retaliation" policy that they do not always uphold. Good luck to your husband fighting that. I do feel for you guys.

Thanks everyone for sharing. Abbi, hang-in there... I'm stilling playing the image of giving a cat a bath.... I've tried that. It was quite painful for me, and none to pleasant for the cat. LOL

[Golden Gate 530]

I agree with you abbi627 about coming back and feeling differently. I think it is a huge psychological change. When I came back, I no longer could tolerate my teaching job. It was bad before I left, but when I came back I just didn't care anymore. It seemed like punishment. I ended up getting laid off and I took an online teaching job. I moved back to my home state, but found the situation with my family as strained as ever. Really, it doesn't feel like I have a family. They can't seem to comprehend that everyone's lives are not like theirs and how others have to struggle. I find them glib, smug and insensitive. At this point, I keep my distance from them. Fortunately I have a sister I can talk to but she lives clear across the country.

In terms of the adjustment for my husband. He has been the sole supporter of his entire family since he was 19. His parents are both ill and he is of a family of 10 people. He was a teacher back home, but didn't want to do that here. So he works a manual labor job right now which was hard to get, hoping to get a type of apprenticeship with them. However, this isn't his dream of the life here. It is very hard work and he works 12 hours a day over night at the moment. The fact that he had a job before this that was even worse makes this job look better. Plus he got hurt, probably from moving my Dad's dock by himself, and he is in a lot of pain right now. We already spent $285 going to the doctor and they determined nothing. We will have to spend a lot more I am sure. We have no insurance. It sucks.

Also, he can't go home because of his job which he has had only 5 months. So, he hasn't seen his family for almost two years. This is so hard because his mom is sick with cancer and when he talks to her she asks when he is coming home. Sometimes this puts him in a very bad mood, but he is a positive person and pulls himself out of it pretty quickly.

So, needless to say, life is pretty hard and doesn't suddenly magically improve. We just appreciate the small things - eating a good, home-cooked meal, watching an interesting documentary, joking with my kids,

[Mithra 1,185]

What you're referring to is not the same adjusting as a foreign spouse moving to another country starting their lives over and taking on a wife/family they didn't have before. You guys are talking about having to adjust back to your normal lives after being on extended vacation with a new husband and all the excitement that comes with it. That and having to deal with family and friends who think you're insane for doing what you did. Way different kind of adjustment. As far as the family and friends go, it's best to ignore some of it and distance yourself from the negative. I used to think my family were just being jerks but if I look at the situation through their eyes, I can't say I blame them for feeling how they felt. Would I want my daughter to take off to a foreign country to marry a man she barely knows (chatting online/on the phone for a year or so doesn't count as knowing someone), to marry a man *i* don't know, from a culture I don't understand? No! I would probably act the same. And then having to get back into a work routine after living in a dream like vacation state - yeah it's hard. Not as hard as leaving your entire life and family behind to live a brand new life/lifestyle in a foreign country with a wife you may or may not really know so well. Discussing the what ifs is good but you will never know how things will actually play out until your husband gets here.

[abbi627 43]

I do understand that Mithra. I just meant that if it is hard for me to adjust after just being there for a little while - I can only imagine how difficult it will be for him to leave his family and everything he has ever known. But like you said - we won't know how he adjusts until he gets here.

As far a distancing myself from negatives - not hard to do since my family want nothing to do with me. Not because of my husband but because I am Muslim. When I was in Morocco the first time I tried to call my uncle but he asked if I was "still with the Muslims" and when I said yes I am in Morocco he hung up on me. But they don't live anywhere near me so it is not like I have to come in contact with them. But the prejudice and the hatred they spew.....wow.

Oh and Happytobe: the cat bathing went fine. Lucky for me the cat froze and didn't move when I put her in the tub. It was not fun for the cat I am sure but I came through it with no injuries! Now I have to go back this afternoon and brush out the kitty. And this time the kitty is probably not in a good mood lol.

[cocofan 0]

I think we all need time to adapt to new places,life,culture