Homesickness kicking in, husband insecure.......any tips please?

[lynndy38 64]

Hey guys,

Its so frustrating, after everything Eric and I have been through to be together I feel I'm spoiling it by bursting into tears and getting frustrated with everything feeling so unfamiliar to me.

I am missing my son like you would imagine a mum would. We Skype daily and he's doing great, but Im in pieces right now. Eric has grown up kids that he gets to spend time with and I'm feeling a bit resentful towards that...poor guy I know it's not fair.

Also we have a new home that needs total renovation but its going to take a long time......so home doesn't even feel like a 'home' right now plus we live in the country whereas I was a city girl....and I don't drive so Im a bit isolated.

Eric is really insecure that Im going to say I cant do this anymore.....I am not, I am 100% committed to him and adore him, but I wish I could have him understand how difficult all this change is for me.

I feel I'm screwing up everything at the moment even my cooking has gone to pot as I am working with measurements and ingredients that I'm not used to.

I thought I had an advantage as I spent 3 months visits here 5 times..........I'm surprised how hard I'm finding it.

Would love to hear how others coped with homesickness.

[cathy2904 97]

I am sorry you are both feeling this way. I have been here for 18 months now and I am amazed that I have not had a serious bout of homesickness. I was fully expecting it and maybe that is the key. Accept that it is normal, talk about it, laugh about it. Have you made plans to go back for a visit or for your son or others to visit you? Having visits to plan for and look forward to has been a big help for me. I guess that I also try to communicate with my sons however I can. Not just the phone and Skype but also Facebook, Words with Friends (they love beating me!), postcards, Postagrams, small packages. When I go shopping I look out for cards or candy or Tee shirts they might like and that makes them feel closer.

Try not to worry about it too much and it will eventually pass. I know what you mean about the insecure husband too as Trevor is the same. I think that he is constantly convinced that I am about to do a runner!! Lord knows how he is going to be when one of my boys tells me I am going to be a grandmother!! Lol.

[Darnell 8,479]

ask him to teach you how to use the power tools,

and practice on some reclaimed lumber.

re: crying - don't do it in front of him. do it in private.

[You&Me 8]

Hey guys,

Its so frustrating, after everything Eric and I have been through to be together I feel I'm spoiling it by bursting into tears and getting frustrated with everything feeling so unfamiliar to me.

I am missing my son like you would imagine a mum would. We Skype daily and he's doing great, but Im in pieces right now. Eric has grown up kids that he gets to spend time with and I'm feeling a bit resentful towards that...poor guy I know it's not fair.

Also we have a new home that needs total renovation but its going to take a long time......so home doesn't even feel like a 'home' right now plus we live in the country whereas I was a city girl....and I don't drive so Im a bit isolated.

Eric is really insecure that Im going to say I cant do this anymore.....I am not, I am 100% committed to him and adore him, but I wish I could have him understand how difficult all this change is for me.

I feel I'm screwing up everything at the moment even my cooking has gone to pot as I am working with measurements and ingredients that I'm not used to.

I thought I had an advantage as I spent 3 months visits here 5 times..........I'm surprised how hard I'm finding it.

Would love to hear how others coped with homesickness.

I understand you 100%

Every time I mention to my husband how much I miss my home country I can see he worries. In my worst days I have cried and ranted in front of him, and this made him extremely insecure. He does his best to accommodate me and make sure i have all I need here, so I know he feels pretty helpless when he sees me like that.

Now I simply do not do this in front of him. I go somewhere where I can be alone, cry, scream, yell, kick...then think about the time when we weren't together, think about how many times I wished we could sleep in the same bed, kiss, or hug each other.

I think about how much I cried when I had to leave the first time I came to visit. That day I felt sick to my stomach, I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. I almost missed my flight because I refused to leave the car to go inside the airport.

That's what I go back to. How I felt back then, and how much I wished the day would come when we didn't have to be apart anymore. It might seem odd, but it has helped me a lot...

[Penny Lane 8,159]

re: crying - don't do it in front of him. do it in private.

What kind of advice is this? She should be able to convey her emotions in front of her husband, even when her emotions aren't pretty or positive.

[TBoneTX 46,261]

In her thread title and in her original post, she indicates that her husband is feeling insecure about the whole thing. At least for now, it would seem to make sense to minimize tears in his presence, to enable the situation with the relationship dynamics to recover more by itself.

-----------------

OP, homesickness is so very natural, and you're completely entitled to those feelings. Admitting both halves of that to yourself is a big step.

Do what Darnell recommends in regard to the power tools, and see if you can buy (or have your family send) a set of familiar measuring-cups. Till then, there are some great conversion charts to post above the stove!

Edited August 8, 2013 by TBoneTX

[B & G 200]

_{First thing, talk to your husband about driving lessons. Been able to get around by yourself is a very important thing. The longest I have ever stayed in the US was 3 weeks and it drove me insane that I was stuck in the house till my husband got off work. Just like you, he lives in the country which means the only thing that is within walking distance is the mailbox! Even a trip to the grocery store to get some milk would help to take your mind off what you left behind, at least for a few minutes. If you are scared to drive, and I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but try and get over the fear asap!}

_{As for the cooking, i like TBone's idea of the conversion charts stuck over the stove, I think I might just do that myself. You can even sit and research online and make the chart yourself.}

_{Others have mentioned to not cry in front of your husband, or try and hold your feelings in check alil around him. But honestly, at the end of the day, I don't think that will help you. Sometimes you need your other half to be there when you are sad and want to cry your heart out. Just reaffirm to him that you love him, and that you as a couple are perfect but you need to just be sad and cry alil while he holds your hand.}

[lynndy38 64]

Thank you all so much for your support and tips.

I love being with my husband and would never leave the US, I just feel Ive lost alot of independence. I MUST learn to drive and have been out and got the NC drivers handbook. Eric said he'll teach me,we recently changed the car to an automatic which he said will be easier.(He was a rare American that liked a stick shift!)

Maybe I can try and keep my emotions in check when he's about, not always though as I know he'd be upset too if I wasn't sharing with him how I was truly feeling. It's hard......to not let my family and friends know I'm tearful as they'll worry...then to keep it from my husband too.

I know it's normal but it just sucks to still be on an emotional rollercoaster after arriving.

I love the idea about printing out a conversion chart, I'll do that at work tomorrow!!!

I do think it's harder to make friends when you're older. I doubt very much I'll make the kinds of friends I have left behind in the UK I think by the time you're 40 everyone already has their 'forever' friends.

Eric tells me he doesn't have close friends, but I do think it's different for women.

I have found myself using lots of American words which has started feeling more normal, still can't say tomaaaaydo though!!!!!

[NikLR 13,232]

I get teased by my husband and his friends for adding the "u" in words and also for my one hat that says "Willowdale Equine Centre" LOL I just tell them that's me. It's who I am and I'm not about to change for everyone, I love being who I am. I know how hard it must be to miss your kiddo. I try to facetime with my daughter every couple days and she'll be here for a visit on Sat (YAYAYAYAY!!!!!!) but omg there are times I just break down and cry because I miss her so much. I don't miss Canada as much honestly. But I've been able to decorate our little apartment a little to make it more like "ours" and I find that helps. Once you learn to drive you'll find it helps to get out and about. You can go to the library, to the park, or maybe you guys can get a puppy? It helps to have someone to look after that needs you like that.

Just reassure your husband that despite the fact you miss the UK, you are home now, with him. I had to tell my husband that. I told him that this was one of the few times I've been able to choose where I want to live, and even though I had to give up so much to do it, it should show how much I love him and he should trust in that love. You're going to need more hugs, but hey, hugs are wonderful things

[Boggy1974 124]

Hey guys,

Its so frustrating, after everything Eric and I have been through to be together I feel I'm spoiling it by bursting into tears and getting frustrated with everything feeling so unfamiliar to me.

I am missing my son like you would imagine a mum would. We Skype daily and he's doing great, but Im in pieces right now. Eric has grown up kids that he gets to spend time with and I'm feeling a bit resentful towards that...poor guy I know it's not fair.

Also we have a new home that needs total renovation but its going to take a long time......so home doesn't even feel like a 'home' right now plus we live in the country whereas I was a city girl....and I don't drive so Im a bit isolated.

Eric is really insecure that Im going to say I cant do this anymore.....I am not, I am 100% committed to him and adore him, but I wish I could have him understand how difficult all this change is for me.

I feel I'm screwing up everything at the moment even my cooking has gone to pot as I am working with measurements and ingredients that I'm not used to.

I thought I had an advantage as I spent 3 months visits here 5 times..........I'm surprised how hard I'm finding it.

Would love to hear how others coped with homesickness.

Sit your husband down and talk to him candidly, just as you've posted here. Remember, communication is key! Good luck!!!

[TBoneTX 46,261]

You say that you live in the country, without elaborating on where your husband works or if you're within range of a bigger city.

Depending on the above, and assuming that your husband commutes to work, where might he drop you off for a day or two per week? Is there a college campus with a library or a student center? Even if it takes a detour to get there, he might drop you there in the morning and pick you up in the evening. This would provide some variety and a social outlet.

Along the same line, is there a retirement home or preschool where you could volunteer?

Does your husband have colleagues who have otherwise-stay-at-home wives who could pop over to your house for company, or take you out shopping or sightseeing?

If you're in a rural area in a town or county with a weekly newspaper (or a small daily), get yourselves interviewed as a human-interest story about real people dealing with the legal-immigration process. Contact the editor and tell them why they should be interested (think from their standpoint, and have some "angles" in mind). You don't even need to use your full names, but be sure that the reporter gets it into the story that you're feeling isolated and would like friends. Someone will certainly write a letter to the editor in response to the article. That would be a good person with whom to start.

EDITED TO ADD: You indicated that you'll print out the conversion chart (good!) "at work tomorrow." My suggestions above were made under the assumption that you're stuck at home all day. Some might still apply for you. Please elaborate on your exact situation, and we'll be better able to help further.

Edited August 9, 2013 by TBoneTX