Expectations

[Brian1967## 119]

Hello all or Privet:) Kak Dela? I am starting this topic to try and shed some light on a subject that couples may need to talk about and help them avoid the pitfalls that happened to me. I was married to a woman from Kyiv, for 1 year. It was a good marriage at first and things fell apart for several reasons. At first I would like to say this ladies PLEASE do not move to the USA because you are lonely or cannot find a rich man in your home country, Americans do not have a money tree in the backyard and not every American owns a BMW, has a swimming pool in the back yard. Americans work hard really hard, lots of hours, unless you are lucky and found a rich one, then you are blessed. when I would visit Ukraine people would ask me what is different about Ukraine and the USA, I would respond with really...not much I see everyday people they get up go to work and work hard for what seems like it goes away when we get paid, what is different here is protection from the courts and opportunity to be whatever you can be:) We all put are pants on the same:)

For the ladies

before you move here please discuss with your husband what your expectations of him are, what you want what life is for the both of you, what do you see in the future (my ex and I talked for awhile on this but it seems that we did not talk about the really tough issues (examples conflict resolution, issues with children are just a few, an idea maybe some counseling before the big day:))

Establish a relationship with his/her children before you arrive here, This will be very helpful if you are going to make a blended family, if you cannot make it work with the kids the children can make the marriage a battlefield. (my ex was investigated for child abuse, only later did I find out she had put her hands on my son, slapping him)

Try to have your soon to be other half talk with your children, and get to know them WELL

Also ladies when you apply for a visa check a few things in the area where you are moving some examples

Google map the house and address that is turned over to USCIS for your visa you might be able to see what is around the house (stores schools things like that) (street view)

Ask about local schools and Google the schools web site and see what programs your child might be interested in doing (maybe American football or the soccer teams) find out what district your child will be attending school check the schools scores against the state mandates and see how the school scores on a statewide level. (this is good if your children are school aged) Now sometimes at least in this part of Texas the children are sent to a special teacher that knows ESL (English as a second language) and they will or might go to a different school and your soon to be should find this out. Also some district may offer a free ESL class for you as well if your English is weak)

Also if you can get driving lessons if you do not have a permit in Ukraine (ask for help to pay for this or pay for it yourself) Here in the USA driving is a way of life, you will need this skill unless you live in a very large city the has a good transport system, Google the bus schedule for the city you are moving to IF there is public transportation. (in Texas your Ukrainian Driving Permit is good for one year (Google International Recrporcity in Texas..well okay a permit from Ukraine is good in Texas not one from Russia)

Also find some people that speak your native language in the city you are moving to and try to make contact with them and get some friends here so you can try to avoid the "fish out of water feeling, this may irritate some USC's but ladies or guys do some homework to protect yourselves and try the following run your own background check on your USC and ask and talk about credit scores and what he does for a living. Google the "median household income (for this city you are moving to)_______" and compare to the paperwork and see where the soon to be sites and you will have and idea as to where your standard of living will be:) (this was a huge problem for us I am middle of the middle class and my income was $51,000 for a city average income for two people is $41,000 so it should have been enough, ask my ex we were dirt poor according to her)

Guys not much to say except the following ideas for the USC's

Get ready to spend when they arrive and then spend a little more and then spend a little more you new wife will more than likely need all new clothes and all new everything so get ready, try not to use charge cards and brace your wallet..

Also after you get married there are some things to look for fraud. Watch the fighting you new wife has left EVERYTHING behind for you, even if she married you because she is lonely, she will feel out of place so to speak, remember that people come with different ideas about the USA.

Try to get her green card right away after the marriage, if she splits from you she was going to do it anyway (my ex was sent home for marriage fraud) in the long haul it is better you do this if you new wife is commiting fraud she will more than likely leave after a short period of time so she cannot claim you abused her if she has a work permit, a job (yes, help her find one if she wants to work:)) this will also help if she divorces you, it will help hold the alimony argument, hey she can work,

Also to any USC before you get or adjudicate a green card read the I864 in great detail and understanding what you are reading and commiting to. After you read it walk away then two days later read it again and then again, you as the USC can be sued by your immigrant spouse in federal court and in state court over this form, it is rare but lawyers are not cheap on the federal level.

PLEASE LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN YOU HATE THE PROBLEMS, ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT STAY FOCUSED ON WHAT BROUGH YOU BOTH TOGETHER. God Bless all of you.

I realize this may not be useful to some but anyone who needs help on transition and anything please message me I will do all I can to help Brian1967##

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

It is immensely helpful actually but most of us are mostly currently in the throes of passion and throws caution to the wind.

[Joaozinho 15]

I agree, it is very helpful! Many useful tips within! Thanks!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Hello all or Privet:) Kak Dela? I am starting this topic to try and shed some light on a subject that couples may need to talk about and help them avoid the pitfalls that happened to me. I was married to a woman from Kyiv, for 1 year. It was a good marriage at first and things fell apart for several reasons. At first I would like to say this ladies PLEASE do not move to the USA because you are lonely or cannot find a rich man in your home country, Americans do not have a money tree in the backyard and not every American owns a BMW, has a swimming pool in the back yard. Americans work hard really hard, lots of hours, unless you are lucky and found a rich one, then you are blessed. when I would visit Ukraine people would ask me what is different about Ukraine and the USA, I would respond with really...not much I see everyday people they get up go to work and work hard for what seems like it goes away when we get paid, what is different here is protection from the courts and opportunity to be whatever you can be:) We all put are pants on the same:)

For the ladies

before you move here please discuss with your husband what your expectations of him are, what you want what life is for the both of you, what do you see in the future (my ex and I talked for awhile on this but it seems that we did not talk about the really tough issues (examples conflict resolution, issues with children are just a few, an idea maybe some counseling before the big day:))

Establish a relationship with his/her children before you arrive here, This will be very helpful if you are going to make a blended family, if you cannot make it work with the kids the children can make the marriage a battlefield. (my ex was investigated for child abuse, only later did I find out she had put her hands on my son, slapping him)

Try to have your soon to be other half talk with your children, and get to know them WELL

Also ladies when you apply for a visa check a few things in the area where you are moving some examples

Google map the house and address that is turned over to USCIS for your visa you might be able to see what is around the house (stores schools things like that) (street view)

Ask about local schools and Google the schools web site and see what programs your child might be interested in doing (maybe American football or the soccer teams) find out what district your child will be attending school check the schools scores against the state mandates and see how the school scores on a statewide level. (this is good if your children are school aged) Now sometimes at least in this part of Texas the children are sent to a special teacher that knows ESL (English as a second language) and they will or might go to a different school and your soon to be should find this out. Also some district may offer a free ESL class for you as well if your English is weak)

Also if you can get driving lessons if you do not have a permit in Ukraine (ask for help to pay for this or pay for it yourself) Here in the USA driving is a way of life, you will need this skill unless you live in a very large city the has a good transport system, Google the bus schedule for the city you are moving to IF there is public transportation. (in Texas your Ukrainian Driving Permit is good for one year (Google International Recrporcity in Texas..well okay a permit from Ukraine is good in Texas not one from Russia)

Also find some people that speak your native language in the city you are moving to and try to make contact with them and get some friends here so you can try to avoid the "fish out of water feeling, this may irritate some USC's but ladies or guys do some homework to protect yourselves and try the following run your own background check on your USC and ask and talk about credit scores and what he does for a living. Google the "median household income (for this city you are moving to)_______" and compare to the paperwork and see where the soon to be sites and you will have and idea as to where your standard of living will be:) (this was a huge problem for us I am middle of the middle class and my income was $51,000 for a city average income for two people is $41,000 so it should have been enough, ask my ex we were dirt poor according to her)

Guys not much to say except the following ideas for the USC's

Get ready to spend when they arrive and then spend a little more and then spend a little more you new wife will more than likely need all new clothes and all new everything so get ready, try not to use charge cards and brace your wallet..

Also after you get married there are some things to look for fraud. Watch the fighting you new wife has left EVERYTHING behind for you, even if she married you because she is lonely, she will feel out of place so to speak, remember that people come with different ideas about the USA.

Try to get her green card right away after the marriage, if she splits from you she was going to do it anyway (my ex was sent home for marriage fraud) in the long haul it is better you do this if you new wife is commiting fraud she will more than likely leave after a short period of time so she cannot claim you abused her if she has a work permit, a job (yes, help her find one if she wants to work:)) this will also help if she divorces you, it will help hold the alimony argument, hey she can work,

Also to any USC before you get or adjudicate a green card read the I864 in great detail and understanding what you are reading and commiting to. After you read it walk away then two days later read it again and then again, you as the USC can be sued by your immigrant spouse in federal court and in state court over this form, it is rare but lawyers are not cheap on the federal level.

PLEASE LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN YOU HATE THE PROBLEMS, ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT STAY FOCUSED ON WHAT BROUGH YOU BOTH TOGETHER. God Bless all of you.

I realize this may not be useful to some but anyone who needs help on transition and anything please message me I will do all I can to help Brian1967##

All good and accurate advice and I can say that many of us had many of the same issues. Alla and I did. The first year was the hardest and I wish you would have stayed past that because then it gets better.

I think an issue that all Ukrainians and I am sure other people have...is that WE go over there to see them when by far the majority of Ukrainians could never imagine a visit to the USA. There is no possibility they make enough money for that! Of course most Americans do not go to Europe either (or even have a passport) but all they see is WE are THERE and the plane ticket costs more money than they make in half a year and THAT is impressive to them.

One issue we had was that Alla had always had public transport right outside her door, she never drove a car. She got here and was isolated (at the time I lived on an island in Lake Champlain, I TOLD her it was a bad idea) depended on me for everything and I had to work! She felt trapped! She was not one that ever felt trapped! Until she could learn to drive and get around herself...that helped a lot. We also moved to the city so she could walk to "normal" things like she always had and did not have to drive so far to school. It was a difficult time but we loved each other and we never lost sight of what we did to be together, and I think that is a key. You did this, you chose this, you did a lot to get here...now DO IT! It is not as easy for anyone as anyone thinks. what we did was to sit down and say "OK, what is wrong and what are we going to do about it?" The living place had to change, we did that. We got her the drivers license, I spent every moment I could teaching her to drive. She finally was driving on her own about 4 months after being here. The good news is that everything that was WRONG about our marriage could be FIXED by what was RIGHT with our marriage. That is we both loved each other and were willing to work together.

Now, after 5 years, Alla loves it here, gets around in her little car (the self propelled closet) as well as anyone and has a lot of friends and activites. But it was a difficult transition and a lot to learn. She also learned that the amount of money Americans make is not at all what they think in Ukraine.

[TBoneTX 46,151]

Si, man. An idea to consider is for the beneficiary to renew his/her driver's license in the home country as close to U.S. POE as possible. If the beneficiary doesn't yet have a driver's license, he/she should do everything possible to get one. This enables the beneficiary to learn to drive (better) once in the U.S., and (in many states) to have some time during which to use the foreign license.

[Brian1967## 119]

You know I wish more couples would read this there are some other ideas. For a guy see if you can get some Russian TV channels in your house for your beloved (guys it will really show how much you care) and I know for a fact )direct TV carries Russian channels, guys it will help cut down on the isolation, also there is a child's network in Russian (just in case your beloved has a young child:) ) Also see if your cable company has a unlimited plan to her home country so she has open access to call mom and dad . One more thing guys it will help go get some thing from the store like a hair dyer and some of the female things, some nice towels ( the thick kind (to make her feel at home) and also something that might help, coffee in Russia and Ukraine is much stronger than here, Wal Mart sells the best espresso maker for about $40.00 and make the best cup of espresso

Advice also DO NOT ALLOW YOUR BELOVED TO BY YOU A ONE WAY TICKET TO THE USA Always get a round trip ticket so there is a "out". A round trip ticket can be used for up to year after purchase and also it is about the same cost as a one way, I mean c'mon you never know if things will or will not work.

Guys my thoughts to you get a Prenup, if you have premarital assets get a prenup, once again people if you have assets get a pre nup, include in the pre nup an out on the I864. A pre nup has been upheld on the federal level (see Blaine V Harrell out of the federal court in Hawaii) see an attorney and have everything done in legal terms, also DO NOT GIVE this document without having translated into her native language, otherwise if things do not work a first year law student will have it thrown out. I will have some more as they come up just wish more people would come forward about their wives/husbands adjusting to life in the USA from Russia and Ukraine. Thanks if you do

[NikLR 13,232]

***moved to moving here and your new life in America from K1 process and procedures as topic is not about K1 process and procedures nor is it a case update***

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

You know I wish more couples would read this there are some other ideas. For a guy see if you can get some Russian TV channels in your house for your beloved (guys it will really show how much you care) and I know for a fact )direct TV carries Russian channels, guys it will help cut down on the isolation, also there is a child's network in Russian (just in case your beloved has a young child:) ) Also see if your cable company has a unlimited plan to her home country so she has open access to call mom and dad . One more thing guys it will help go get some thing from the store like a hair dyer and some of the female things, some nice towels ( the thick kind (to make her feel at home) and also something that might help, coffee in Russia and Ukraine is much stronger than here, Wal Mart sells the best espresso maker for about $40.00 and make the best cup of espresso

Advice also DO NOT ALLOW YOUR BELOVED TO BY YOU A ONE WAY TICKET TO THE USA Always get a round trip ticket so there is a "out". A round trip ticket can be used for up to year after purchase and also it is about the same cost as a one way, I mean c'mon you never know if things will or will not work.

Guys my thoughts to you get a Prenup, if you have premarital assets get a prenup, once again people if you have assets get a pre nup, include in the pre nup an out on the I864. A pre nup has been upheld on the federal level (see Blaine V Harrell out of the federal court in Hawaii) see an attorney and have everything done in legal terms, also DO NOT GIVE this document without having translated into her native language, otherwise if things do not work a first year law student will have it thrown out. I will have some more as they come up just wish more people would come forward about their wives/husbands adjusting to life in the USA from Russia and Ukraine. Thanks if you do

Not bad advice except I disagree on a few things, but they are personal preference.

We never had a TV hooked up, still don't. But we are not "TV people". We much prefer to do things togther every day after work/school...walking, shopping, eating out, theatre, shooting, skating, swimming, dancing, beach. No TV. We have a TV and a DVD player and sometines sit together are have an "evening in" and watch a movie. The kids never watch TV. They did not in Ukraine either. They can get all the Russian programming they need on the internet. But if you like TV, then yes, you can get Russian programming. If they do not speak English well then stay away from Russian until they do. We were strictly an English only house until Pasha could speak English well (Alla already did) and now we are a Russian only household to keep Pasha current on Russian, he gets plenty of English. Watching movies in English with English subtitles (closed captioning) helps English learners.

Alla outfitted the house with things she likes, be prepared to pay for it. She likes to shop so she preferred going to all the new stores and buying things. She filled the pickup truck her first trip to "Bed, Bath and Beyond" and was sure it was Heaven! They literally had to chase her around the store at closing time, she kept hiding in the aisles and saying "just 10 more minutes please!" They kept saying "Ma'am we open again tomorrow at 10am, you CAN come back" I was in the checkout line up front just laughing. She has her preferences for towels, sheets, cooking utensils and coffee is made the Ukrainian way (I do not drink coffee anyway) I also prime painted the whole house white and she chose all the colors for the rooms. The Ukrainian woman runs the house. She cooks and cleans and all that stuff so it is hers to outfit as she sees fit. Just take your shoes off when you come in.

I would never consider a pre-nup, my choice. I do not go into a marriage preparing for a divorce. If I make a mistake, she gets half. Better to consider these things before getting married, IMO.

Your first post mentions children and that is very important. It is crucial that you agree on how children should be raised. Ukrainians readily accept corporal punishment for children, they will give them a whack when they need it. If you consider that child abuse, do not marry a Ukrainian woman. As Alla says "I beat my children, each of them one time, I never had to do it again" (by "beat" she means to spank or slap. "Beat" is a frequently used term "I beat my head" means you bumped your head) When the dog does something bad she will say "Excuse me, there will be some noise, I am going to beat the dog"

But having similar visions for children is essential if there are children involved. If you do not have the same ideas about children then move along to someone that does. We also agreed that BOTH need to be parents and BOTH need to be able to disciplne the children and NEITHER will undermine the other. Worked fine for us and we never had a problem. In fact, Alla would usually come to me to discipline the children (I say in past tense as the youngest is now 18 and they have moved beyond the normal teenage "problems") She felt I was more even handed and logical. Alla tends to be more...hmmm...emotional. When it was pointed out that "grounding for life" was not really practical and probably would not be enforced much beyond the initial screaming in Russian period, she would just call me. "Pasha, just be a man and do what Mom says...C'mon...put away this game and just do your work" I never had a problem with that.

Plane tickets make no difference. Buy what is cheapest. You can always buy another. But remember you are dealing with a person who has moved here from another country and they have relatives there and could have family emergencies. Get their green cards ASAP so they can travel if needed. Know what to do if they need to travel before then (emergency AP for example) and have the means to do so if needed. when Alla arrived I gave her a credit card I never use with a $3,500 limit. I said "Here, put this in your drawer, it is $3,500 you can use anytime you need. If your mother is sick, buy a plane ticket and go! If I am a horrible person, buy TWO tickets, take Pasha and take a taxi to the airport" Never allow them to worry what will happen if their mother or father is sick or a brother or sister, etc. If you are horrible person to live with, then let them leave. I mean they did not go through all this and agree to move themselves and their family across the world, adapt to another culture, on a whim. There will be difficulty, there will be trials and tests, it is guaranteed. I think that knowing they can leave makes them more likely to stick it out. I mean if you marry a girl from across town, what makes her stay? She can WALK home, so why would she stay? Because she really WANTS to stay but knows she can leave if it is so bad. Make sure their documents are current, renew passports etc. Find out how to do it here if they do not visit home. They always need to be able to leave as they will always have connections to their home country.

We also find it helpful to stay in touch. We met by chance. After our meeting, when I had to leave, Alla asked "So what will we do now?" I said "Well, I am going to send you an email every day for the rest of your life and we can figure it out" She laughed. I have sent her an email everyday since I met her, except two days I was in a coma after heart surgery...she excused me for that. When I woke up and was put in my room, my laptop was there! I call her on the phone 2-3 times a day, she sends me text messages (I am not so good at those). Make each other and your a family number 1 and never forget all you did to be together.

[Brian1967## 119]

Well GAry my ex is back in Kyiv more than likely where she belongs However that does not mean what is said is all not true, because everything you say is a good point I wish I could get some females to comment on my thread it sure would help I think