Feeling guilty...

[Fandango 1,439]

Ok, perhaps "bite me" was a bit out of line. However, it pissed me off. I feel bad enough about feeling this way the way it is without someone throwing it in my face and then telling me something that I had already mentioned to begin with in what I perceive to be a very snarky attitude.

Well, no snarkiness was intended in my post. Anyway if you already had the answers, then why ask the question?

As for me "humiliating" him, that was definitely NOT my intention. It was actually quite the opposite. He feels bad enough about it the way it is, so I came here to try and get ideas on how to cope with it because I felt that this is the place where the most people could relate. My intention was merely to try to get some advice on how to deal with this because I already know that it is wrong for me to feel this way.

Would I choose my fiancé over a ring? Hell yes I would!!! He's more precious to me than anything in this world and beyond, and I am very, very happy that we will be able to be together. As much as I love him, though, this issue still bothers me. I had had the whole big wedding dream ever since I was a child, and I can't just snap my fingers and make it go away. I wish I could, BELIEVE ME.

Also, I never even wanted some extravagant, multi-thousand-dollar ring. I'm not into gaudiness or big diamonds, and I'm not one to show off. Hell, I like attracting as little attention as possible to myself.

When you were a child I bet you never thought that thrown into the mix would be the expense of a visa for your fiance before marriage. I am not saying " snap your fingers" and make it all go away. Not at all. Everyone has dreams and visions of how they want things for themselves. No one is dogging you for that; My point was that if HE already feels bad about not getting you a ring-like you say- ( and that's understandable...I know if we were in yours and your fiance's position; Mark would feel bad too--old fashioned like that), then why make it worse by complaining about it and his financial situation to a bunch of strangers on here? I would be hurt if I were him. I am just trying to pose a different point of view. We are all different here; different opinions does not ness. mean automatic insult or snarkiness just because it's a different viewpoint from yours or not the fluffball/canned/standard response you were maybe expecting. Yes, I am blunt. Sometimes being direct is ness. because of the nature of the written word ( without facial expression or voice inflection words and meanings have to be clear). I make no apologies for clarity or bluntness.

Forget about your " bite me" response-it takes more than that to "piss me off"

Shele, seriously I totally see what you're saying...

I know D would be gutted if he couldn't get me a ring, then if he happened across a thread about me feeling bad, it would devastate him

[munchkins 0]

I don't have a wedding ring from my hubby. Instead I wear my paternal grandmothers ring as an engagement ring and my maternal grandmothers wedding ring. This is my third marriage and I came to the conclusion a long long time ago that a ring really means nothing if it means being broke or spending more than can be afforded. Love and being together is everything. I wear an inexpensive second hand ring on my right hand (only finger it will fit properly) that hubby gave to me with his spur of the moment proposal. I wouldn't part with it for anything as it has too much sentimental value. A ring is just a symbol, no matter the cost. When we can afford it, he is having a ring made for me with a gemstone his deceased father gave to him. Nothing still will replace the rings I already wear.

Well said Aussie, at the end of the day, being together is what counts and as another poster said, people can spend a small fortune on rings only for the marrige to go bust.

The vows you exchange and the love in your heart will carry you through until a day will come when you can afford an expensive ring if that is what you want

[Looking4Wife 0]

I'm back to looking at wedding rings again, and I can't help feeling like a selfish b!tch. Réjean (my Canadian fiancé) isn't going to be able to afford to get me a wedding ring. If I want one (or at least one that I can tolerate), I'm going to have to buy it myself. He can't afford one on top of the costs he's going to incur for the medical and the visa fee... plus who knows how on earth we'll get his stuff here...

I guess I'm just really disappointed. I shouldn't be... and I feel terrible that I am, but I can't help it. I should be incredibly happy that I get to bring him here and be with him... still... arrrgh.

Anyone have any tips on how to deal with it? Anyone been in the same situation? Even knowing that I'm not alone will help.

Necrotica:

First of all, I applaud your honestly and transparency. Its not easy to admit personal weakness to people whether privately or publicly, even if the communication only exists in cyberspace.

As a practical matter, you already know that the rings should be insignificant in comparison to your love.

Fortunately, my wife didn't want expensive rings. But she did want a wedding that was a financial stretch for me at the time. Easy for her to ask when I'm footing the bill for everything, right? Anyway, she sweet-talked me into the wedding that she wanted. HOWEVER, unlike the picture you have painted for your fiancee, I had the financial ability to come up with the funding (even though it was a stretch at the time).

Nonetheless, when money is limited, pressure from a wife on a loving husband to provide material things (other than necessities) really attacks a man's self-esteem. It also makes the man question the motives of the wife/girlfriend/fiancee in the first place. Even if the woman never articulates the concern, so the man never feels the pressure, the existence of this inner conflict is not good for the long term happiness of the relationship.

Also as a practical matter, I would challenge you to ask yourself if your focus on material things, to the point where it is causing you internal conflict, could be a stumblingblock in other areas of your marriage?

My wife is a terrible money manager. She does not think practically about money. Her Carribean culture (and US culture isn't much better) tends to have a "don't worry, be happy" attitude. That works great for reggae songs, but not so much when it comes to meeting financial obligations.

Her non-practical (i.e. careless) attitudes about money have caused us a few arguments, and she is now learning to deal with the reality that the idea of "immediate self-gratification" can be financially and emotionally disastrous for a marriage.

I bought her a book about how to think about money, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". She has been studying it and it has helped her a lot.

Just my 2 cents... hope this helps in some small way...

[CarolineM 0]

We were lucky. We had an heirloom diamond "engagement" ring - which I love. I love it even mor ebecause of the history behind it.

did I want a nice, sparkly, diamond wedding band like my friends? hell yes.

Did I know that my husband couldn't afford it? Yes.

Do i love my $200 white gold band? With all my heart.

It was chosen, paid for, and given to me by him - on our wedding day, when he put it on my finger with his vows to me. It means so much to me and i could not give a ####### about what it looks like.

I would NEVER have made him feel bad about not being able to afford a flashy ring. When we go out with my friends, and he sees their huge diamonds, I know he feels terrible...but we own a home, he is going to school, we have two internation trips coming up....

these things are more important - and the MOST important, I have my husband....

[Ban Hammer 13,333]

We were lucky. We had an heirloom diamond "engagement" ring - which I love. I love it even mor ebecause of the history behind it.

did I want a nice, sparkly, diamond wedding band like my friends? hell yes.

Did I know that my husband couldn't afford it? Yes.

Do i love my $200 white gold band? With all my heart.

It was chosen, paid for, and given to me by him - on our wedding day, when he put it on my finger with his vows to me. It means so much to me and i could not give a ####### about what it looks like.

I would NEVER have made him feel bad about not being able to afford a flashy ring. When we go out with my friends, and he sees their huge diamonds, I know he feels terrible...but we own a home, he is going to school, we have two internation trips coming up....

these things are more important - and the MOST important, I have my husband....

well said

[Mags 112]

We were lucky. We had an heirloom diamond "engagement" ring - which I love. I love it even mor ebecause of the history behind it.

did I want a nice, sparkly, diamond wedding band like my friends? hell yes.

Did I know that my husband couldn't afford it? Yes.

Do i love my $200 white gold band? With all my heart.

It was chosen, paid for, and given to me by him - on our wedding day, when he put it on my finger with his vows to me. It means so much to me and i could not give a ####### about what it looks like.

I would NEVER have made him feel bad about not being able to afford a flashy ring. When we go out with my friends, and he sees their huge diamonds, I know he feels terrible...but we own a home, he is going to school, we have two internation trips coming up....

these things are more important - and the MOST important, I have my husband....

Lovely, quite lovely.

[hockeygal 0]

I know D would be gutted if he couldn't get me a ring, then if he happened across a thread about me feeling bad, it would devastate him

It is possible her fiancee doesn't post here or know she does, which is why this might not have been a factor for her?

As for me, I am not much of a ring person, but I know he got them for others, so I am going to be petty.

Edited December 1, 2006 by hockeygal

[Irisheyes 0]

I didn't get an engagement ring until our first wedding anniversary. It wasn't an overly expensive one even then, but I didn't know I was getting it, he saved for it without me knowing (and I'm the money-watcher!) and he picked it out himself, did beautifully I might add.

I know it's every little girls dream to have the wedding and the ring and all the frills, but nothing about any of our relationships is conventional from the beginning anyway, why not do this all a$$-backwards too!!

[garya505 2]

I'm back to looking at wedding rings again, and I can't help feeling like a selfish b!tch. Réjean (my Canadian fiancé) isn't going to be able to afford to get me a wedding ring. If I want one (or at least one that I can tolerate), I'm going to have to buy it myself. He can't afford one on top of the costs he's going to incur for the medical and the visa fee... plus who knows how on earth we'll get his stuff here...

I guess I'm just really disappointed. I shouldn't be... and I feel terrible that I am, but I can't help it. I should be incredibly happy that I get to bring him here and be with him... still... arrrgh.

Anyone have any tips on how to deal with it? Anyone been in the same situation? Even knowing that I'm not alone will help.

Yes, you are a a selfish b!tch. You already have what a lot of women dream of and will never find. What will you do if you have a real problem some time in your life?

[Fandango 1,439]

I know D would be gutted if he couldn't get me a ring, then if he happened across a thread about me feeling bad, it would devastate him

It is possible her fiancee doesn't post here or know she does, which is why this might not have been a factor for her?

As for me, I am not much of a ring person, but I know he got them for others, so I am going to be petty.

For me, if I was the partner being discussed, if I had found out somehow, I'd feel incredibly betrayed. I'd feel betrayed ontop of feeling like a failure...to read my fiance divulging information as to my financial situation being impotent to getting him something that was obviously so important to the point where he'd have to find solace on a messageboard. I realize there is anonymity to some degree on the net, but still....I wouldn't be washing such laundry in public.

Then again, there's a lot I see on here that I would never divulge.

I know that's not going to be the popular opinion here, but that is honestly the way I feel.

[hockeygal 0]

Yes, you are a a selfish b!tch. You already have what a lot of women dream of and will never find. What will you do if you have a real problem some time in your life?

man. If you can't whine al little on a (generally) anonymous internet forum, where can you go? sheesh.

[Fandango 1,439]

I'm back to looking at wedding rings again, and I can't help feeling like a selfish b!tch. Réjean (my Canadian fiancé) isn't going to be able to afford to get me a wedding ring. If I want one (or at least one that I can tolerate), I'm going to have to buy it myself. He can't afford one on top of the costs he's going to incur for the medical and the visa fee... plus who knows how on earth we'll get his stuff here...

I guess I'm just really disappointed. I shouldn't be... and I feel terrible that I am, but I can't help it. I should be incredibly happy that I get to bring him here and be with him... still... arrrgh.

Anyone have any tips on how to deal with it? Anyone been in the same situation? Even knowing that I'm not alone will help.

Yes, you are a a selfish b!tch. You already have what a lot of women dream of and will never find. What will you do if you have a real problem some time in your life?

That's really quite an awful thing to say.

[Dean iWait 0]

Why do you need a "real" diamond at this point? You can always get one down the road. Check this site if you want a ring between $100 to $200. Maybe your fiance can afford that much. My mom has one and she took it to 3 different jewlers to have appraised and not one of them was able to tell it was not a real diamond.

http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/app.nav...THEAD-_-JEWELRY

[hockeygal 0]

For me, if I was the partner being discussed, if I had found out somehow, I'd feel incredibly betrayed. I'd feel betrayed ontop of feeling like a failure...to read my fiance divulging information as to my financial situation being impotent to getting him something that was obviously so important to the point where he'd have to find solace on a messageboard. I realize there is anonymity to some degree on the net, but still....I wouldn't be washing such laundry in public.

Then again, there's a lot I see on here that I would never divulge.

I know that's not going to be the popular opinion here, but that is honestly the way I feel.

I actually agree with you on this. I don't get into personal details here either, and yet still, I often feel too naked on here and want to delete everything!

[Fandango 1,439]

Why do you need a "real" diamond at this point? You can always get one down the road. Check this site if you want a ring between $100 to $200. Maybe your fiance can afford that much. My mom has one and she took it to 3 different jewlers to have appraised and not one of them was able to tell it was not a real diamond.

http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/app.nav...THEAD-_-JEWELRY

They mustn't have been good jewelers!

Ok guys, off I go to finshi my day....ttyl