The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[Nasturtium 500]

American culture is not a singular one as are other cultures. American culture is a mosaic of many cultures. Not to mention, the USA is a fairly new country and nobody aside from the Native Americans are truly American. Every American identifies in a different way, that may or may not include the ethnic background of their families. In my case, my family are immigrants and I have a very strong ethnic background in addition to my nationality as an American. Therefore, i was never lacking the "flavor" and/or culture that many women hope to achieve through their MENA spouse.

Well, I tried. The above only shows your total ignorance and prejudice about all cultures and peoples. It floors me that you think other cultures are so unified and that there is no American culture... or that America is particularly young in comparison to other nations. You maybe need to take a step back from your own socialization and consider the facts on the ground. Pick any other country and examine it against your statements.

[sailormoon01 41]

No one is blaming you for being abused. But the bottom line is, you alone bear the responsibility for continuing a petition for a man who physically abused you. That's not BLAME, but it is the truth. Your job, imo, is to figure out WHY you did that.

I must admit I read the abuse as having been prior to marriage. It was a bit vague. But ok, you were married when it started but it was before he came here.

No one is 'at fault' for being a victim/survivor of physical abuse....HOWEVER, you need to figure out how you rationalized it as being acceptable enough to get past it, and not immediately canceling his petition. We all tend to ignore warning signs...some more dire than others. This was a big one for you, and I believe your path should involve getting the root of how you were able to ignore this. For your own peace of mind, I suggest focusing on that so you don't repeat a similar pattern in future.

However, he didn't scam/assault/whatever you because he was from MENA. You're bootstrapping (imo) as way of dealing with this in a way that I don't think is fair to yourself, to truly be able to put this behind you. I see you clutching at straws....'I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, I converted, I did blah blah blah'. It's not formulaic...none of those reasons will help you really put this to bed and deal with it. It's not as if any of these listed reasons could or would justify what happened to you.

Again, I wish you well and I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can see that I'm not posting here to 'pile up' on you, rather to offer you another perspective, that I feel will *truly* help you on the road to healing.

Thank you very much. I have figured myself out, which is why I had the courage to post on here, despite the fact that I knew I would get flooded with notifications from angry, insecure women trying to rationalize what happened to me as being a problem with me. I left the relationship, have moved on with my life, and I am attending law school in addition to having a ba and a masters. Think I am doing pretty good despite what happened to me. I am NOT the only woman this has happened to and I won't be the last. Most lawyers will even tell you this stuff is common with men from the MENA region and that they prey on insecure women. I am happy I got myself out of that bind and found myself again.

[Nasturtium 500]

Hey genius! AFTER our marriage, after the visa paperwork was filed, while we were still waiting, I visited him many times in his country and in Europe. Anybody who blames a woman for physical abuse is also disgusting.

It is unproductive to be angry with people just because you cannot write in a clear manner. Chances are if everyone misinterprets something, then it's the writer's fault. Also, if it was after it still does change the fact that you should have canceled the petition.

[sailormoon01 41]

If the man asks, it's still the woman who says "yes" or "no" (I'm actually the one who first suggested marriage in my case). It doesn't matter who asks anyway, you both still married each other.

At least you admit that you were: blinded by lust, naive, and lonely - and fell for his ruse. That's a promising sign. Yes, he's a jerk who took advantage of you - no one is disputing that (as far as I've seen). But we can't change a-holes. All we can do is protect ourselves. I don't think anyone here is 'blaming' you - we're just saying that you fell for him for whatever reason, and if you figure out how to prevent that in the future, then you'll be better off. It's much easier to 'warn' others than figure out how to 'warn' ourselves sometimes. Trust me, I look back at my first marriage and can't believe how stupid I was! I'm just happy I didn't repeat my mistakes (we can't change the past).

I think the over-the-top courting would've been a red flag to me. When a man tries to dazzle a woman, I can't help but wonder what (if anything) he's trying to hide. Kind of along the line of "if it seems too good to be true...." Not saying a man can't spend money on a woman, but if that's how he 'makes' her fall for him, then there could be a problem. I fell in love with my husband's heart, his consideration for me and my feelings, and the way he treated me (without money). Yes, the visa is an additional risk, which is why I made sure to carefully listen to what he did (and did not) say, and how he felt about different things. Most importantly, I am aware of his strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect, but we have to decide what flaws we can and cannot tolerate, and we need to be realistic about what we are/are not, and what our spouses are/are not.

Best of luck to all of us!

Your dad is still financially responsible for him.

Obviously I did figure myself out thats why I left and thats why I am alerting USCIS about everything that has happened and getting a divorce. Even if I left too late, at least I was smart to leave the relationship eventually which is more than what I can say for women on here. He is not accepting any type of welfare, so nice try with my dad. I'm happy I don't have kids and I can easily move on. I wish everybody else the best in their endeavors and in realizing why they have to be so nasty in attacking a woman they do NOT know. I have the right to my own opinion even if it is not very PC and I am not the only one who shares the opinion about MENA men. Wish they could all be like Zidane, maybe the world would be a better place. Zidane who allows his kids to have whatever name his Christian Euro wife wants and doesn't force religion.

It is unproductive to be angry with people just because you cannot write in a clear manner. Chances are if everyone misinterprets something, then it's the writer's fault. Also, if it was after it still does change the fact that you should have canceled the petition.

Bitter and pathetic much??? Insulting writing style. Maybe you need to improve your comprehension skills???

[sailormoon01 41]

If the man asks, it's still the woman who says "yes" or "no" (I'm actually the one who first suggested marriage in my case). It doesn't matter who asks anyway, you both still married each other.

At least you admit that you were: blinded by lust, naive, and lonely - and fell for his ruse. That's a promising sign. Yes, he's a jerk who took advantage of you - no one is disputing that (as far as I've seen). But we can't change a-holes. All we can do is protect ourselves. I don't think anyone here is 'blaming' you - we're just saying that you fell for him for whatever reason, and if you figure out how to prevent that in the future, then you'll be better off. It's much easier to 'warn' others than figure out how to 'warn' ourselves sometimes. Trust me, I look back at my first marriage and can't believe how stupid I was! I'm just happy I didn't repeat my mistakes (we can't change the past).

I think the over-the-top courting would've been a red flag to me. When a man tries to dazzle a woman, I can't help but wonder what (if anything) he's trying to hide. Kind of along the line of "if it seems too good to be true...." Not saying a man can't spend money on a woman, but if that's how he 'makes' her fall for him, then there could be a problem. I fell in love with my husband's heart, his consideration for me and my feelings, and the way he treated me (without money). Yes, the visa is an additional risk, which is why I made sure to carefully listen to what he did (and did not) say, and how he felt about different things. Most importantly, I am aware of his strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect, but we have to decide what flaws we can and cannot tolerate, and we need to be realistic about what we are/are not, and what our spouses are/are not.

Best of luck to all of us!

Your dad is still financially responsible for him.

Also, I have made peace with the culture. Before I couldn't listen to Arabic music or even hear the language without crying. Now, I can enjoy the music and even speak the language with other people and not feel the least bit bad or bitter. I am just trying to say that being with a MENA man is more likely to bring a whole different set of issues to a relationship that are less likely (although not impossible) to be present with a man from any other culture. It doesn't mean that MENA men are the only abusive men or that there are not nice MENA men, as I stated in my original post, if you have a positive story or relationship with a MENA man, then your story is equally important. However, to ignore other people and dismiss them as being wrong for truly looking at the situation for what it is, is stupid.

Edited July 21, 2013 by sailormoon01

[Nasturtium 500]

Bitter and pathetic much??? Insulting writing style. Maybe you need to improve your comprehension skills???

I'm actually not bitter or pathetic, but you have decided that everyone who misinterpreted your unclear statement is in fact bitter/attacking you. That advice was from Creative Writing. I didn't think my professor at the time was bitter and pathetic.

What did you want from people? People expressed their condolences for your situation, then focused on the person present in this thread-- you. They saw a potential problem and thought that they could help by helping you to see the same problem. It's clearly not going to work, as you're really immature in your ability to take criticism or assistance. You need to consider this as you go through law school. Clarity of thought in writing, ability to not fly into personal attacks, not making assumptions without evidence, and ability to not be hampered by your personal beleifs and prejudices seem like areas of issue for you.

Re-reading the thread, it reads like you wrote X, then people respond with Y, and you come out swinging and calling everyone bitter, pathetic, and insecure because they disagree. That reads like a tantrum. You make a LOT of assumptions about everyone in here.

[sandinista! 1,816]

It's sweet that so many people have tried to reason with this nonsense, and really telling about how kind and patient so many MENA contributors are. But getting through to the op and their ####### has been Sisyphean since the first page. Convincing one's self that everyone around them is covered in the same ####### they got covered in, or will be soon, to cope with the mess their life has become is certainly easier. And she seems to be having fun with it. I haven't heard such badas$ digs since middle school anyways.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Maybe this is the part where you lay out all your degrees you've earned over the years, randomly? Because that's what educated people do, randomly blather about degrees they have that have nothing to do with the discussion, but whatever, traction.

I'm actually not bitter or pathetic, but you have decided that everyone who misinterpreted your unclear statement is in fact bitter/attacking you. That advice was from Creative Writing. I didn't think my professor at the time was bitter and pathetic.

What did you want from people? People expressed their condolences for your situation, then focused on the person present in this thread-- you. They saw a potential problem and thought that they could help by helping you to see the same problem. It's clearly not going to work, as you're really immature in your ability to take criticism or assistance. You need to consider this as you go through law school. Clarity of thought in writing, ability to not fly into personal attacks, not making assumptions without evidence, and ability to not be hampered by your personal beleifs and prejudices seem like areas of issue for you.

Re-reading the thread, it reads like you wrote X, then people respond with Y, and you come out swinging and calling everyone bitter, pathetic, and insecure because they disagree. That reads like a tantrum. You make a LOT of assumptions about everyone in here.

Deja vu!

Unfortunately, this sort of attitude is not that uncommon on VJ. Sometimes it's the men doing it - slamming all American women as man-hating bra-burners because their relationship with an American woman didn't work out, or slamming all FSU women as lying conniving gold diggers because they got taken for a ride, etc. etc. Certainly makes for some entertaining threads

[Nasturtium 500]

It's sweet that so many people have tried to reason with this nonsense, and really telling about how kind and patient so many MENA contributors are. But getting through to the op and their ####### has been Sisyphean since the first page. Convincing one's self that everyone around them is covered in the same ####### they got covered in, or will be soon, to cope with the mess their life has become is certainly easier. And she seems to be having fun with it. I haven't heard such badas$ digs since middle school anyways.

I know you are, but what am I?

Maybe this is the part where you lay out all your degrees you've earned over the years, randomly? Because that's what educated people do, randomly blather about degrees they have that have nothing to do with the discussion, but whatever, traction.

Deja vu!

I'll see your BA and MA and raise you another BA and MA.

Unfortunately, this sort of attitude is not that uncommon on VJ. Sometimes it's the men doing it - slamming all American women as man-hating bra-burners because their relationship with an American woman didn't work out, or slamming all FSU women as lying conniving gold diggers because they got taken for a ride, etc. etc. Certainly makes for some entertaining threads

I know! There is a good one in PI right now too...

[sherryrose 0]

an attractive girl who got lots of Western guy's attention and did not fall into the stereotype of being frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man" Looks like you are talking about me and I am not the young attractive girl lol My husband has comes to love southern cooking and this Ramdon instead of losing weight he is gaining weight, it is eating fried chicken and fried potato's. Life is about taking chances, so sorry to hear about your marriage. You never know what will really happen, some good and some bad.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I like that it's not good enough that I wanted to marry a guy that's Muslim like I already was, because some people like that kind of agreement and arrangement, but he needs to be more like an Algerian soccer player who married a woman who is not Muslim and they have their own way of raising their kids THAT ALL THE MENA SHOULD ASPIRE TO even if no one in the couple isn't Muslim. Nevermind MY Muslimy Muslimness or my Muslimy Muslim husband letting me name our daughter whatever I wanted, I didn't name her something American so now I'm some big spineless jellyfish.

[Nasturtium 500]

I like that it's not good enough that I wanted to marry a guy that's Muslim like I already was, because some people like that kind of agreement and arrangement, but he needs to be more like an Algerian soccer player who married a woman who is not Muslim and they have their own way of raising their kids THAT ALL THE MENA SHOULD ASPIRE TO even if no one in the couple isn't Muslim. Nevermind MY Muslimy Muslimness or my Muslimy Muslim husband letting me name our daughter whatever I wanted, I didn't name her something American so now I'm some big spineless jellyfish.

Wrong. What really happened is he reached out through space and time and forced you to convert prior to meeting him, and then has controlled your mind ever since.

[sandinista! 1,816]

So I married Obi Wan Kenobi?

[Nasturtium 500]

Oh and I think the real standard should be those agnostic groundhogs. Look at how peaceful they are?

So I married Obi Wan Kenobi?

Yes!

[momof1 205]

I wonder if Zidane welcomes his wife home with a kiss or "coup de boule?" I'm sure it doesn't matter because he let her give their kids real names... Not crappy algerian muslim names like his.