The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[msheesha 548]

I'm done with going back and forth but re-read your original post. Good luck with everything. For what it's worth, I wasn't attacking you. I was encouraging you to figure out your own stuff so you don't repeat a pattern. You on the other hand made tons of assumptions and snide comments about the posters who don't agree with you. Take care and good luck.

[berber_wife 90]

No one is blaming you. I would bet that 99.9% of women here have put up with bullsh!t of some type from men at some point in their lives, whether it was physical abuse, emotional abuse, cheating or just general inconsiderate behavior. It's practically a rite of passage for young women. But that doesn't mean that there's not anything that can be learned from those experiences. And it's difficult to learn if you are focused solely on the role culture played in the downfall of your marriage.

And sorry for not having ESP and being able to guess the exact timeline of your relationship.

[Ihavequestions 419]

Before I married him, there was NO abuse so don't say I married an abusive man.

As someone else pointed out, you did say that earlier in the thread so stop assaulting people who took you for your word.

[momof1 205]

Maybe the abuse started after marriage but you still brought him to the US. You would have been out filing fees and the cost of a divorce had you left his butt in Lebanon. Now he's in another state with a man who harrassed you while your dad is on the hook for the AOS. You have to see some responsibility in this part of your situation, right? This is what everyone is saying. Until you realize this, you'll continue to find yourself in similar relationships regardless of what country they come from.

[sailormoon01 41]

I'm done with going back and forth but re-read your original post. Good luck with everything. For what it's worth, I wasn't attacking you. I was encouraging you to figure out your own stuff so you don't repeat a pattern. You on the other hand made tons of assumptions and snide comments about the posters who don't agree with you. Take care and good luck.

Excuse me, or you are assuming things? First off you and the other posters have tried to justify the bad behavior done to me by painting me as the one with a problem, rather than looking at the situation for what it really is, a man who was a scam artist and played in my head, as dozens of other men have done on here to other women. You guys paint the woman as the culprit as a defense mechanism to convince yourself that the same won't happen to you because you are "mentally stable" and able to choose a good partner. Good luck. Remember that princes can turn into frogs overnight. Mwahhhh

[venusfire503 54]

Any man can change overnight. My mom's best friend, her husband had a brain injury in an accident. After surgeries and rehab he came home and wasn't the same. He verbally abused his wife and started cheating on her. He's about as WASP as WASP can be.

For your information, I'm not defending blind love here. I have said some pretty reprehensible things on this forum to women who I thought were in their relationships with blinders on. I guess I was hoping to give them pause before they made what I thought would be a big mistake. I regret the delivery of my message now. But I still firmly believe people shouldn't rush into marriage without considering what the real challenges will be. I mean that about everyone, not just American-MENA couples. Divorce is expensive, no joke.

I know a woman whose husband changed (drastically) after 20+ years of marriage. They're both "white Americans".

[sailormoon01 41]

Maybe the abuse started after marriage but you still brought him to the US. You would have been out filing fees and the cost of a divorce had you left his butt in Lebanon. Now he's in another state with a man who harrassed you while your dad is on the hook for the AOS. You have to see some responsibility in this part of your situation, right? This is what everyone is saying. Until you realize this, you'll continue to find yourself in similar relationships regardless of what country they come from.

He paid for everything.

[sailormoon01 41]

I know a woman whose husband changed (drastically) after 20+ years of marriage. They're both "white Americans".

I am not surprised or too angered by the comments on here. I used to say the same to women who told me their stories about MENA men. I used to tell them that they were stereotyping and that not all men are the same until I seen how all of our stories are virtually the same in one way or another. It is easy to blame the woman and to keep telling yourself the downfall of the relationship or the fact that she ended up with a bad guy has to do with some personality flaw or emotional problem, but the truth is anybody can fall victim. Are there abusive non-MENA husbands? Of course. However, the thing is that most of the Western men who screw women over know they are wrong. They know what they are doing is not acceptable. On the other hand, MENA men will try to justify their behavior and unfortunately many of them use Islam as a scapegoat, truly believing God will not punish them for their actions. Am I saying all Muslims and/or MENA men are bad? No, but there are MANY who twist and use the religion to justify their bad behavior and this is fairly common among men looking for green cards. Many of them believe God will reward them for hurting infidel Western women. Sorry to break it to everybody.

Edited July 21, 2013 by sailormoon01

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Unfortunately, this sort of attitude is not that uncommon on VJ. Sometimes it's the men doing it - slamming all American women as man-hating bra-burners because their relationship with an American woman didn't work out, or slamming all FSU women as lying conniving gold diggers because they got taken for a ride, etc. etc. Certainly makes for some entertaining threads

[venusfire503 54]

Again, you are the one judging WITHOUT knowing the entire story. The abuse started AFTER marriage and whether the women on here want to admit it or not, I guarantee at least one of you has had to endure some type of physical or verbal abuse at the hands of a MENA spouse.

YOU are judging everyone here without knowing OUR stories. You think just because I'm an American married to a MENA man that I must have converted, lost my identity by taking on his culture, and that he'll some day turn on me. And that must be true of all (or at least most) of the women who have married MENA men.

I know who I am. Yes, I like some of the music he brought here with him (I've always liked being exposed to new music by people I know, ever since I was a child) just as he likes new music that he discovered here, and I occasionally cook the recipes he gave me (c'mon - couscous - who can blame me?) just as he's developed a taste for American foods, I find it odd when people I meet assume I would've converted. I tell them no, and he hasn't converted either. Yes, I flew hours to visit with him (he couldn't do the same because of the difficulties in getting a tourist visa), but he LEFT THE ONLY LIFE HE KNEW to be with me in a totally unfamiliar and not always welcoming place. He learned my language (which he barely knew at first - now he's fluent), and I barely know any of his. I didn't even 'cover' when I visited his country. If anything, he's done more and given up more than I have.

I was married to an emotionally abusive American before. My MENA husband (NO quotes) has supported me and encouraged me (as I've done for him - I think that's vital to a good relationship), and I've not just survived, but I've risen to the challenges that I've encountered. I've accomplished more in the 7+ years I've known him than I previously thought I could. He has empowered me and helped me see what's wonderful about myself. HE is not abusive. I learned from the mistakes I made marrying my abusive ex. We all just want you to do the same thing.

You claim to be 'over' him and the relationship, but the fact that you feel the need to bash anyone with his "same" background (according to you - I think there are vast differences throughout the entire MENA area) and/or anyone in a MENA/non-MENA relationship says otherwise. I don't feel the need to group all men from my ex's background with him, or warn others to avoid Italian-Americans (just self-centered, uncaring, manipulative men of ANY background).

We're not defensive about our men because we're afraid of anything within our relationships - we're just sick of the stereotyping, and the unfair discrimination against them by people who think they're all alike. Oh, and the stereotyping of women who love them.

[Fandango 1,439]

Excuse me, or you are assuming things? First off you and the other posters have tried to justify the bad behavior done to me by painting me as the one with a problem, rather than looking at the situation for what it really is, a man who was a scam artist and played in my head, as dozens of other men have done on here to other women. You guys paint the woman as the culprit as a defense mechanism to convince yourself that the same won't happen to you because you are "mentally stable" and able to choose a good partner. Good luck. Remember that princes can turn into frogs overnight. Mwahhhh

No one is blaming you for being abused. But the bottom line is, you alone bear the responsibility for continuing a petition for a man who physically abused you. That's not BLAME, but it is the truth. Your job, imo, is to figure out WHY you did that.

I must admit I read the abuse as having been prior to marriage. It was a bit vague. But ok, you were married when it started but it was before he came here.

No one is 'at fault' for being a victim/survivor of physical abuse....HOWEVER, you need to figure out how you rationalized it as being acceptable enough to get past it, and not immediately canceling his petition. We all tend to ignore warning signs...some more dire than others. This was a big one for you, and I believe your path should involve getting the root of how you were able to ignore this. For your own peace of mind, I suggest focusing on that so you don't repeat a similar pattern in future.

However, he didn't scam/assault/whatever you because he was from MENA. You're bootstrapping (imo) as way of dealing with this in a way that I don't think is fair to yourself, to truly be able to put this behind you. I see you clutching at straws....'I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, I converted, I did blah blah blah'. It's not formulaic...none of those reasons will help you really put this to bed and deal with it. It's not as if any of these listed reasons could or would justify what happened to you.

Again, I wish you well and I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can see that I'm not posting here to 'pile up' on you, rather to offer you another perspective, that I feel will *truly* help you on the road to healing.

[venusfire503 54]

Maybe at the end of the day its the man who asks the woman to marry! I was 22 and blinded by lust. This guy took advantage and made lots of promises, in addition to throwing gifts and gold and fancy European trips at me. I am a very respectable person. I was just naive and lonely and I didn't know the truth about him until all these skeletons came popping out of his closet after our 1 year anniversary. THE POINT IS, it doesn't matter how careful somebody is or how loving a man seems, it is a big risk when you combine all these factors of visa interests and cultural differences combined with religion and distance.

If the man asks, it's still the woman who says "yes" or "no" (I'm actually the one who first suggested marriage in my case). It doesn't matter who asks anyway, you both still married each other.

At least you admit that you were: blinded by lust, naive, and lonely - and fell for his ruse. That's a promising sign. Yes, he's a jerk who took advantage of you - no one is disputing that (as far as I've seen). But we can't change a-holes. All we can do is protect ourselves. I don't think anyone here is 'blaming' you - we're just saying that you fell for him for whatever reason, and if you figure out how to prevent that in the future, then you'll be better off. It's much easier to 'warn' others than figure out how to 'warn' ourselves sometimes. Trust me, I look back at my first marriage and can't believe how stupid I was! I'm just happy I didn't repeat my mistakes (we can't change the past).

I think the over-the-top courting would've been a red flag to me. When a man tries to dazzle a woman, I can't help but wonder what (if anything) he's trying to hide. Kind of along the line of "if it seems too good to be true...." Not saying a man can't spend money on a woman, but if that's how he 'makes' her fall for him, then there could be a problem. I fell in love with my husband's heart, his consideration for me and my feelings, and the way he treated me (without money). Yes, the visa is an additional risk, which is why I made sure to carefully listen to what he did (and did not) say, and how he felt about different things. Most importantly, I am aware of his strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect, but we have to decide what flaws we can and cannot tolerate, and we need to be realistic about what we are/are not, and what our spouses are/are not.

Best of luck to all of us!

He paid for everything.

Your dad is still financially responsible for him.

[venusfire503 54]

Excuse me, or you are assuming things? First off you and the other posters have tried to justify the bad behavior done to me by painting me as the one with a problem, rather than looking at the situation for what it really is, a man who was a scam artist and played in my head, as dozens of other men have done on here to other women. You guys paint the woman as the culprit as a defense mechanism to convince yourself that the same won't happen to you because you are "mentally stable" and able to choose a good partner. Good luck. Remember that princes can turn into frogs overnight. Mwahhhh

If you don't learn, and take steps to prevent that from happening again (by NOT being blinded by lust, naive, etc) then you run the risk of it happening again. Nothing is 100% fail-proof, but there are ways to minimize the chances of bad things happening (like eating healthy, wearing a seatbelt, and really taking a look at relationships before losing yourself in them).

[venusfire503 54]

No one is blaming you for being abused. But the bottom line is, you alone bear the responsibility for continuing a petition for a man who physically abused you. That's not BLAME, but it is the truth. Your job, imo, is to figure out WHY you did that.

I must admit I read the abuse as having been prior to marriage. It was a bit vague. But ok, you were married when it started but it was before he came here.

No one is 'at fault' for being a victim/survivor of physical abuse....HOWEVER, you need to figure out how you rationalized it as being acceptable enough to get past it, and not immediately canceling his petition. We all tend to ignore warning signs...some more dire than others. This was a big one for you, and I believe your path should involve getting the root of how you were able to ignore this. For your own peace of mind, I suggest focusing on that so you don't repeat a similar pattern in future.

However, he didn't scam/assault/whatever you because he was from MENA. You're bootstrapping (imo) as way of dealing with this in a way that I don't think is fair to yourself, to truly be able to put this behind you. I see you clutching at straws....'I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, I converted, I did blah blah blah'. It's not formulaic...none of those reasons will help you really put this to bed and deal with it. It's not as if any of these listed reasons could or would justify what happened to you.

Again, I wish you well and I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can see that I'm not posting here to 'pile up' on you, rather to offer you another perspective, that I feel will *truly* help you on the road to healing.

VERY well put!

[berber_wife 90]

Nothing is 100% fail-proof, but there are ways to minimize the chances of bad things happening (like eating healthy, wearing a seatbelt, and really taking a look at relationships before losing yourself in them).

EXACTLY! Marriages succeeding/failing are not a cr@pshoot. Yes, you can't predict the future and who knows, maybe I'll end up royally screwed over 10 years down the line. But if that happens, at least I'll know that I did everything I could do to build a strong partnership both before and after marriage.