The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[Mithra 1,185]

If you spent extensive time in the region you should've been able to recognize a decent guy from a bad one. If you hadn't spent extensive time there you'd have a reason for your poor choice.

ROFL at all women adopting their husband's background. Honestly my husband has adopted my lifestyle and culture way more than I adopted his. Actually I haven't adopted a single thing from his lol.

BTW, Sorry for angry responses. I just don't like for people to say I am generalizing. I am simply explaining MY story and about the majority of other stories I have heard about. I spent extensive time in the MENA region and I think I know a thing or two. THE FACT REMAINS NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Mithra

[sailormoon01 41]

Holy schizoid back and forth about "I am simply explaining MY story" to "NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS", batman.

No matter how much you huff and puff stinky, toxic ethnocentric garbage on the forum because you ended up with a sh1tty husband, the fact remains you don't know jack about what goes on in total strangers' homes, whether their husbands are MENA, Thai, or Samoan. If that's where you're at in this pile of ####### you got yourself into, you've got a long ways to go.

Wow, grow up. Stuff can happen to anybody, even to you! I also knew a South American woman who was with a MENA man for 10 years until he completely changed over night.

Just out of curiosity how old was your husband when you married?

He is five years older than me, so he was like 27.

[Sarah Elle-Même 660]

How did I miss this party? Oh yeah lol still recovering from hospitalization.

This is what I have learned in my life: good men are the exception to the rule, no matter where in the world they are from.

OP - I too am sorry for what you've endured. It's terrible to be brainwashed and misled and abused physically and for immigration benefits. It's not unheard of for foreigners [or Americans for that matter] to pull tricks like your soon-to-be ex but they come from any country. I get that you want to warn people but you didn't go about it in the right way. Instead you just insulted people you don't even know. Some lessons in life are hard to swallow, but it seems you learned yours and hopefully you will have better, more successful relationships in the future. Or you'll find a way to be happy being alone. Whichever works for you and fulfills you.

I'll attempt to answer your generalizations with my own experience - take it or leave it. My fiancé comes from one of the more conservative MENA countries. He studied in the US. Here he adopted an openness and acceptance about the world that many in his country lack. He hasn't totally abandoned his culture [i wouldn't feel good about it if he did] but he and I are very compatible and our friendship and relationship has stood the test of many years. We don't try to change one another. We stuck together through the good times and the bad. Several members here know my story and what I am referring to. Unfortunately his family, his parents mainly, haven't accepted me but I am on good terms with his siblings and friends. As for my family, Adnan calls them on their birthdays, holidays, and just to check up, he and my brother are long standing penpals, he cooks my Grandmother's Russian dishes at home, and he sends me back with a suitcase of gifts for everyone every time I visit. He feels a love and a closeness with my parents that he never felt with his own. Are all men like him? No. I like to think my khateeb is special. But the truth is most of the women on this forum have great husbands who are special too.

I wish you well.

[sailormoon01 41]

If you spent extensive time in the region you should've been able to recognize a decent guy from a bad one. If you hadn't spent extensive time there you'd have a reason for your poor choice.

ROFL at all women adopting their husband's background. Honestly my husband has adopted my lifestyle and culture way more than I adopted his. Actually I haven't adopted a single thing from his lol.

I browse this forum and see complete non-ethnic white girls wearing hijabs, cooking Arabic, listening to Arabic music, wasting time at lawyers for visas, raising their kids in a religion they often do not know a lot about, and traveling 10 hours on a plane to be with a man. The man would never do the same for the woman. The majority of women do entirely adopt the husband's background. This is just the reality. Again, sorry if I offended. Every woman I know married to a MENA man has to become completely adapted to his culture. Besides for living in the US, can you name some ways he has adopted to your lifestyle? Major ways? Such as changing religion?

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

What's a "non-ethnic white girl" ?????

[Nasturtium 500]

What's a "non-ethnic white girl" ?????

Not sure. I'm pretty familiar with my ethnicity. I think a lot of people know their ethnicity, white or not.

[sailormoon01 41]

I'd like a checklist of Arab vs western stuff, and a scoring guide.

If you ate tagine at least once in the last 5 days give yourself 2 points, if your husband has put on a jellaba 3 or more times in the last year give yourself 5 points, etc. It could be country specific, what with the OP having a masters in international relations it should be a cinch.

Under whose standards, and why do those standards count or mean anything?

Wow, you are really hostile. You don't have to agree, but you can like respect the opinion and respectfully disagree as other posters have done.

The fact remains, I think raising kids in a different religion than you were raised and their grandparents not being able to fully celebrate certain holidays with them is a big change somebody is making all for a husband. You can't name 1 MENA Muslim man who is letting the wife raise the kids in her religion. #truth Good or bad husband, bringing a man to this country takes a lot of work and for everything some of the women do for the husbands, the husbands do not offer them back half of what the women have done.

[Sarah Elle-Même 660]

I also knew a South American woman who was with a MENA man for 10 years until he completely changed over night.

Any man can change overnight. My mom's best friend, her husband had a brain injury in an accident. After surgeries and rehab he came home and wasn't the same. He verbally abused his wife and started cheating on her. He's about as WASP as WASP can be.

For your information, I'm not defending blind love here. I have said some pretty reprehensible things on this forum to women who I thought were in their relationships with blinders on. I guess I was hoping to give them pause before they made what I thought would be a big mistake. I regret the delivery of my message now. But I still firmly believe people shouldn't rush into marriage without considering what the real challenges will be. I mean that about everyone, not just American-MENA couples. Divorce is expensive, no joke.

[sailormoon01 41]

Not sure. I'm pretty familiar with my ethnicity. I think a lot of people know their ethnicity, white or not.

Basically, to put it in nicer terms, somebody from a WASP background. I also think it is easier for these types of women with no strong ethnic background to adopt Arabic culture, than it is for a woman of an ethnic background who grew up bilingual and very religious like me. I already had my own cultural background (aside from just being an American), so swallowing his entire belief system was not easy.

[Nasturtium 500]

I browse this forum and see complete non-ethnic white girls wearing hijabs, cooking Arabic, listening to Arabic music, wasting time at lawyers for visas, raising their kids in a religion they often do not know a lot about, and traveling 10 hours on a plane to be with a man. The man would never do the same for the woman. The majority of women do entirely adopt the husband's background. This is just the reality. Again, sorry if I offended. Every woman I know married to a MENA man has to become completely adapted to his culture. Besides for living in the US, can you name some ways he has adopted to your lifestyle? Major ways? Such as changing religion?

Hmm. I've done none of those things with the exception of flying multiple hours to go see him/go to work in his country. After he moved here, I haven't been back. He did fly multiple hours to move here though. Counting going home, we're almost even in plane hours.

I'm sad to say, though, that he has not adopted my totally all-encompassing belief that Fi is the best for Michael, or that Michael is in fact awesome.

So ok, though, other than changing religions, what do you feel is a major adaptation to a new culture? You've mentioned food, music, travel, hiring lawyers, and religion as major changes. So do the same work in turn for the man in terms of major changes? In that case, I have made a major thai food convert and we've only eaten something "Arabian" maybe once a year? or sometimes less... since he came here. He doesn't listen to Arabian music. We haven't hired any lawyers, so that's a draw.

[sailormoon01 41]

You said one thing very right - it was YOUR story. I don't think it's fair or accurate to try to pigeonhole all Muslim Arabs with your ex. I did not convert or adopt the culture, and my husband and in-laws all treat me with love and respect. I think it was just your ex and his family. My in-laws were only married once, to each other - and they were together until my father-in-law's death earlier this year. My husband has never hit me or abused me in any way - it wouldn't be tolerated in his family, nor by me. He definitely considers me #1 - not his friends or family.

Maybe part of it is that my man didn't expect me to "alienate family, change religion, and entirely adopt his culture" - and I felt no need or desire to do so. Despite your belief that that is part of MENA culture, I strongly disagree. That's an abusive mindset, which is found in some people of all cultures.

Couldn't one also say, "NO respectable woman who cares about you will marry you after simply talking to you online a few months and meeting in person on a few vacations", which is apparently what you did? It's not like you didn't have a choice, right? (For what it's worth, we got married as soon as we possibly could, so I'm not bashing those who do.)

My point is that being MENA or getting married 'early' isn't a problem or a warning sign. Not respecting someone, expecting them to change, and abusing someone - THOSE are problems/warning signs.

Maybe at the end of the day its the man who asks the woman to marry! I was 22 and blinded by lust. This guy took advantage and made lots of promises, in addition to throwing gifts and gold and fancy European trips at me. I am a very respectable person. I was just naive and lonely and I didn't know the truth about him until all these skeletons came popping out of his closet after our 1 year anniversary. THE POINT IS, it doesn't matter how careful somebody is or how loving a man seems, it is a big risk when you combine all these factors of visa interests and cultural differences combined with religion and distance.

[Nasturtium 500]

Basically, to put it in nicer terms, somebody from a WASP background. I also think it is easier for these types of women with no strong ethnic background to adopt Arabic culture, than it is for a woman of an ethnic background who grew up bilingual and very religious like me. I already had my own cultural background (aside from just being an American), so swallowing his entire belief system was not easy.

So women (or people in general) who come from an Anglo-Saxon background don't have strong cultures of their own? Especially if Protestant? And that also makes them not religious? There is a need to be bilingual in the mix? You do realize that everyone has a culture, right? I thought you were familiar with Anthro 101. That is pretty insulting to put it mildly...

[sailormoon01 41]

I especially like that a true judge of my husband's character is not only how he treats my parents but how his non-english speaking parents treat them too. That was a good laugh for tonight. These threads always go downhill rather quickly.

Most people in my ex's country speak English in addition to other languages. His parents as well as his older siblings and other family members are bilingual. Surely, if its a real marriage and there is respect, somebody in the family who speaks English should contact the parents of the woman to show respect. There is nothing laughable about that My aunt is married to an all-American man and my grandparents speak no English at all. Still, my aunt's husband's family have reached out to my grandparents despite cultural and linguistic differences. That is respect NOT when a woman practically kills herself to bring a man to this country and his family can't even show a moment of respect to you or your family when you know damn well they would be showering an Arab girl and her family with gifts.

[sailormoon01 41]

So women (or people in general) who come from an Anglo-Saxon background don't have strong cultures of their own? Especially if Protestant? And that also makes them not religious? There is a need to be bilingual in the mix? You do realize that everyone has a culture, right? I thought you were familiar with Anthro 101. That is pretty insulting to put it mildly...

Again, I mean people who identify with a cultural background other than simply being an American. I grew up bilingual and Roman Catholic. My ethnic background is just as important as my American nationality. There are women who solely identify as American. These women who solely identify as American and are usually Protestant are often the ones who readily accept Islam and adopt Arab culture.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Again, I mean people who identify with a cultural background other than simply being an American. I grew up bilingual and Roman Catholic. My ethnic background is just as important as my American nationality. There are women who solely identify as American. These women who solely identify as American and are usually Protestant are often the ones who readily accept Islam and adopt Arab culture.