The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[sailormoon01 41]

BTW, Sorry for angry responses. I just don't like for people to say I am generalizing. I am simply explaining MY story and about the majority of other stories I have heard about. I spent extensive time in the MENA region and I think I know a thing or two. THE FACT REMAINS NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I can think of a four MENA members whose husbands have adopted the Western lifestyle over the Arab, but they're more classified as liberal muslims who didn't really practice Islam. They seem genuinely happy to be living in the United States with their Western wives and have been for the most part happily married for over five years or more to these women. Though the wives are older and none of them have had children together.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Holy schizoid back and forth about "I am simply explaining MY story" to "NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS", batman.

No matter how much you huff and puff stinky, toxic ethnocentric garbage on the forum because you ended up with a sh1tty husband, the fact remains you don't know jack about what goes on in total strangers' homes, whether their husbands are MENA, Thai, or Samoan. If that's where you're at in this pile of ####### you got yourself into, you've got a long ways to go.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Just out of curiosity how old was your husband when you married?

[Nasturtium 500]

What is this adopting background/becoming Westernized thing? Because I can think of a lot of immigrants from MENA who basically adopt a lot of Western ideas/habits/culture. Compromising on your religious beliefs isn't actually one of these things. Using absolutes is generalization when paired with an all-inclusive pronoun (or noun).

Sorry this happened to you, OP. Best thing to do is learn from it and make sense of it.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Nasturtium

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

See post #8.

When you put it in that context though I can think of many too that have compromised as well and adopted ideas/habits/culture.

[sandinista! 1,816]

I'd like a checklist of Arab vs western stuff, and a scoring guide.

If you ate tagine at least once in the last 5 days give yourself 2 points, if your husband has put on a jellaba 3 or more times in the last year give yourself 5 points, etc. It could be country specific, what with the OP having a masters in international relations it should be a cinch.

See post #8.

When you put it in that context though I can think of many too that have compromised as well and adopted ideas/habits/culture.

Under whose standards, and why do those standards count or mean anything?

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I'd like a checklist of Arab vs western stuff, and a scoring guide.

If you ate tagine at least once in the last 5 days give yourself 2 points, if your husband has put on a jellaba 3 or more times in the last year give yourself 5 points, etc. It could be country specific, what with the OP having a masters in international relations it should be a cinch.

Under whose standards, and why do those standards count or mean anything?

Lol. I think we've scared her off. My last post was in answer to julianna's. My prior post was in response to the context the OP defined as the standards. Edited July 21, 2013 by ॐ

[venusfire503 54]

You said one thing very right - it was YOUR story. I don't think it's fair or accurate to try to pigeonhole all Muslim Arabs with your ex. I did not convert or adopt the culture, and my husband and in-laws all treat me with love and respect. I think it was just your ex and his family. My in-laws were only married once, to each other - and they were together until my father-in-law's death earlier this year. My husband has never hit me or abused me in any way - it wouldn't be tolerated in his family, nor by me. He definitely considers me #1 - not his friends or family.

Maybe part of it is that my man didn't expect me to "alienate family, change religion, and entirely adopt his culture" - and I felt no need or desire to do so. Despite your belief that that is part of MENA culture, I strongly disagree. That's an abusive mindset, which is found in some people of all cultures.

Couldn't one also say, "NO respectable woman who cares about you will marry you after simply talking to you online a few months and meeting in person on a few vacations", which is apparently what you did? It's not like you didn't have a choice, right? (For what it's worth, we got married as soon as we possibly could, so I'm not bashing those who do.)

My point is that being MENA or getting married 'early' isn't a problem or a warning sign. Not respecting someone, expecting them to change, and abusing someone - THOSE are problems/warning signs.

[Ning 619]

BTW, Sorry for angry responses. I just don't like for people to say I am generalizing. I am simply explaining MY story and about the majority of other stories I have heard about. I spent extensive time in the MENA region and I think I know a thing or two. THE FACT REMAINS NOBODY ON HERE CAN SAY THAT THEIR HUSBAND WOULD ADOPT THEIR BACKGROUND THE WAY YOU HAVE ADAPTED TO HIS.

I have trouble understanding how YOUR story becomes that of someone else. This is what you decided to do to yourself at every turn. It didn't turn out well and I am sorry to hear that but I really don't see what this has to do with anyone else. As you say its clearly all about YOU. Almost.

However at the end of the long sad story we see what I copied below:

To all girls out there, realize that men can change NOT just MENA men, but ALL men. However, when a relationship has interests involved like visas, money, etc. there is a higher chance of hurt feelings. As much as you want to believe your story is different from mine or your man has a bigger heart than mine had, remember I was also in your shoes, dismissing every horror story I read. I changed my life for a man who would have never done the same for me. Before you alienate your family, change your religion, and entirely adopt his culture, think if he would do the same for you. Again, I am not a racist and I have love in my heart for all people, but a man who loves you will never try to change you. He will accept you for who you are. With that being said, a part of my heart will forever be in the Middle East, but I am totally over this relationship now and I can honestly say returning to my own values and culture really helped me.

Isnt the above a world wide storm warning to anyone and everyone? Anyone that would listen. Listen to what YOU would not so YOU end up with MY story as you put it. I don't see any indication in YOUR story that you would have heeded your own advise. Now you want to be the town crier so people will listen? They will not. They will have THEIR own story.

MY story is not YOUR story. My story has many of these elements such as visas, money, religion ect. But MY story isn't anything like YOUR story. There are thousands right here on V J that have a great story as well and they must include these elements as well.

I can understand your anger at this man. But it seems you are going to let that turn to hatred of men in general.

[momof1 205]

I picked him or he preyed upon me and lied? You can't always see who is a bad apple right away. Sometimes it happens a year or two down the line. Although your husband who you did a visa for and lives in the US spends time with your family, has his family ever contacted your parents as they would do with Arab or Muslim in laws? While there might be positive stories, I believe 90 percent are negative. If they don't become nightmares immediately, they usually do years down the line. Thankfully, I don't have kids and I can easily move on. With that being said, if you are a woman who is willing to entirely abandon your identity and solely adopt the Arab culture, then maybe it will be ok. Still, I initially did all that and it didn't work for me. I am just happy I gained some confidence back and learned to be comfortable and happy with ME!

My husband was living in the US when we married and didn't become a citizen until 10.5 years in. He calls my family on holidays, buys them gifts when we see them. I am muslim but have neither lost myself nor my culture. We both have jobs. We both partake in raising our 2 soon to be 3 children. My ILs, my mil passed away 2 months ago, are and always have been nothing but supportive. We talk on skype weekly. We've visited them in Algeria. You won't burst my happy bubble or pull me down bc not every story is like yours.

[Nasturtium 500]

I'd like a checklist of Arab vs western stuff, and a scoring guide.

If you ate tagine at least once in the last 5 days give yourself 2 points, if your husband has put on a jellaba 3 or more times in the last year give yourself 5 points, etc. It could be country specific, what with the OP having a masters in international relations it should be a cinch.

Where do you think pants will fall? As my husband defined the exotification of their culture as Western vs. "the no-pants, camel culture" in advertising, it would seem maybe we should consider pants as Western. So is that negative points for each day wearing pants? Should we say -10 points for wearing pants more than half the year? And maybe -2 points for every hamburger eaten? -5 points for watching and then enjoying (second part being key) 1980s pop culture hits such as "Back to the Future" and "Adventures in Babysitting?"

Is the conversion complete if your husband becomes a Belieber?

[Nasturtium 500]

See post #8.

When you put it in that context though I can think of many too that have compromised as well and adopted ideas/habits/culture.

It was a rthetorical question more or less. I saw her definition, but it seemed odd to me.

[Mithra 1,185]

Lol so that just means you hooked up with a POS. Most of us active in this forum have decent MENA husbands that treat us with respect.

Now that you know what a POS looks like maybe you'll do better next time.

no duh.

[momof1 205]

I especially like that a true judge of my husband's character is not only how he treats my parents but how his non-english speaking parents treat them too. That was a good laugh for tonight. These threads always go downhill rather quickly.