The cold, hard truth about MENA "husbands"

[Fandango 1,440]

I wish everybody else the best in their endeavors and in realizing why they have to be so nasty in attacking a woman they do NOT know. I have the right to my own opinion even if it is not very PC and I am not the only one who shares the opinion about MENA men.

You don't know why people are 'attacking' you (they're really not) because THEY DON'T KNOW YOU...yet, you tar most of their husbands (men whom you don't know) with the same brush as your own. Yeah yeah, you're not talking about 'all', but then you'll talk about 'men from the region' 'most MENA men' blah blah blah.

If you can understand how maligned you feel, think of how what you say comes across about their husbands, and by extension, them. 'Most' MENA men (according to your posts) are scamming abusive bastards who prey on insecure women, who mostly are fat and old. You, naturally, are the exception, because you're not fat, ugly or old, therefore you really don't understand why he was a #######, so of course, it has to be his culture.

And really, everyone here has been helpful, and hasn't thrown that kind of hate your way.

So I married Obi Wan Kenobi?

Umm, no...you married The Doctor...sheesh get it right.

Edited July 22, 2013 by Anita Cocktail

[berber_wife 90]

Do you know it's estimated that a woman is raped every 15 seconds in South Africa?

Having spent two years in that part of the world, I can say that violence against women and gender-based discrimination is WAY worse in Christian Southern Africa than it is in Muslim Morocco. (I can't speak for gender issues in the rest of MENA, because, unlike the OP, I realize that being familiar with one Muslim country does not make me an expert on all Muslim countries in the world.)

[SaharaSunset 165]

I rest my case OP. I do believe the name calling, the condescension, the immaturity, the irrational venom, the combative baiting and general lack respect with which you respond to others in your posts speaks for itself. I'd just like to leave you with a wise quote...

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

(Mahatma Gandhi)

Cheers!

[Simo-Britt 0]

Hey Op I agree with you!

First off hello and I am very sorry you have gone through all of that as everyone else has said, I'm glad that you are strong and wise enough to run far and fast away from that situation; unlike many woman who choose to stay with their abusers. I hope that God blesses with you with a great, wonderful man whenever He finds a suitable time and until then you heal and have a renewed hope in humanity (as if I were in your situation I would have a hard time with).

I am married to my awesomely sweet Moroccan husband (hi honey I know you are reading this ) for over a year now, alhamdoulilah he is awesome in his faith (I am a Muslim too, convert before our marriage) and we were really best friends before our marriage and had talked about me moving to his country but...I'm well accustomed to my culture and he is willing enough to sacrifice his for mine (thanks simo). We are in AP and it sucks but inshAllah, Allah tests the patient.

Anywho...on to the subject. I agree with what you said, having known some fraud marriages from stories my husband has told me about other men, one including a moroccan man who is married in Morocco (wife and two kids) and bribed someone to have his "bachelor paper" or whatever it's called and passed his interview and is now happily in America with his american wife and she has absolutely no idea that he is married with kids and I don't even want to know what that poor first wife of his is going through.

Sadly I know a lot of Moroccan stories and some Algerian that are just scams and the girls are naive to what's going on. Infact I get messages from them sometimes asking ME to find them a wife here (as if! they can keep dreaming). Infact I think I know more stories that are scams than are actually legit happy marriages. There are some warnings signs, one big one I notice is they are hypocritical to their religion and tend to either fake their religiousness or there is an absence of it which is...not very common in MENA cultures particularly north africa. I know if your husband feared Allah this would never happen but people sadly have no fear of God so it seems. I notice you pinpointed a few things Islamically, yes they are supposed to raise their kids as Muslims it's forbidden to raise as a Christian. There's many reasons for this which I won't get into but if you marry a man who is Muslim and he is actually practicing his faith you are marrying his laws/customs...as he does and should integrate into yours (so long as they do not interfere with his religious rights). A lot of our MENA husbands on here have that happy medium of being a good Muslim and still fitting into society.

The thing about your post is, most of us on this MENA forum have successful marriage so we can't necessarily relate to your story (and it's a horror story I wish nobody had). Also the MENA women are a bit...clique-ish and there's a lot of unnecessary hostility which comes from...who knows where and I apologize for that, I have a happy marriage that is contrary to your post but it's still something one should ponder as it is unfortunately a very big reality and problem. My problem that I have is that the embassy keeps giving them visas. I know personally 2 scammers with green cards, passed with flying colors while I know 3 of us who have legit relationships in AP and I have half-a-mind go ask how much hashish the embassy smokes daily but I am rather dependent on them so I bite my tongue for now.

If you had an issue with some of the shariah laws than I give you kind advice to perhaps not marry a Muslim in the future as it's not in anyone's right to revoke someones ethical laws (for either partner) as there has to be some sort of agreement on things. I will conclude that I do believe most MENA men have ill intention on getting a visa as I have seen it and so has my husband first hand whether it's for the visa, contentment, to escape their countries. I just think a lot of these men aren't on visajourney. I'm sorry you were with a bad Muslim and may Allah give you justice whether it's in this life and the next. I hope this post did shed some light to all of us that there is a problem with moreso the embassy for approving these relationships and that perhaps some women will look for more warning signs (evil the travel/gov website has it's own segment on fraud marriages as yes MENA women they are that abundant). Thank you for telling us your story.

[sandinista! 1,816]

So embassies and consulates are to blame when a guy is physically abusive towards his wife before he even immigrates, but the embassy or consulate has no knowledge whatsoever of the physical abuse, because said wife does not alert them of the abuse that would have kept them out of this country in the first place, eh? Brilliant! Without this knowledge, on what basis was any consulate supposed to deny the OP's husband's visa?

[sailormoon01 41]

The fact that you spent the whole weekend bickering back and forth is a pretty clear sign you are far from indifferent. I am confident in my relationship and confident it won't end up like yours. But by saying that I have a feeling you'll come back and say "just you wait it WILL happen to all of YOU" or something like you know my fiancé or the other members' husbands personally. You don't. In fact you never did because your husband is a true POS. Cut off that parasitic necrotic tissue that's still hanging onto you for good and go have yourself a better life.

I am bickering or I am responding to personal attacks on here and people assuming stuff about me? I never ever pointed out anybody's husband or attacked anybody on a personal level or tried to analyze. I just talked about me and the majority of stories I know about personally of women with MENA men. Get over it and stop trying to find excuses for your behavior and the other women on this forum who just hate.

[sailormoon01 41]

Hey Op I agree with you!

First off hello and I am very sorry you have gone through all of that as everyone else has said, I'm glad that you are strong and wise enough to run far and fast away from that situation; unlike many woman who choose to stay with their abusers. I hope that God blesses with you with a great, wonderful man whenever He finds a suitable time and until then you heal and have a renewed hope in humanity (as if I were in your situation I would have a hard time with).

I am married to my awesomely sweet Moroccan husband (hi honey I know you are reading this ) for over a year now, alhamdoulilah he is awesome in his faith (I am a Muslim too, convert before our marriage) and we were really best friends before our marriage and had talked about me moving to his country but...I'm well accustomed to my culture and he is willing enough to sacrifice his for mine (thanks simo). We are in AP and it sucks but inshAllah, Allah tests the patient.

Anywho...on to the subject. I agree with what you said, having known some fraud marriages from stories my husband has told me about other men, one including a moroccan man who is married in Morocco (wife and two kids) and bribed someone to have his "bachelor paper" or whatever it's called and passed his interview and is now happily in America with his american wife and she has absolutely no idea that he is married with kids and I don't even want to know what that poor first wife of his is going through.

Sadly I know a lot of Moroccan stories and some Algerian that are just scams and the girls are naive to what's going on. Infact I get messages from them sometimes asking ME to find them a wife here (as if! they can keep dreaming). Infact I think I know more stories that are scams than are actually legit happy marriages. There are some warnings signs, one big one I notice is they are hypocritical to their religion and tend to either fake their religiousness or there is an absence of it which is...not very common in MENA cultures particularly north africa. I know if your husband feared Allah this would never happen but people sadly have no fear of God so it seems. I notice you pinpointed a few things Islamically, yes they are supposed to raise their kids as Muslims it's forbidden to raise as a Christian. There's many reasons for this which I won't get into but if you marry a man who is Muslim and he is actually practicing his faith you are marrying his laws/customs...as he does and should integrate into yours (so long as they do not interfere with his religious rights). A lot of our MENA husbands on here have that happy medium of being a good Muslim and still fitting into society.

The thing about your post is, most of us on this MENA forum have successful marriage so we can't necessarily relate to your story (and it's a horror story I wish nobody had). Also the MENA women are a bit...clique-ish and there's a lot of unnecessary hostility which comes from...who knows where and I apologize for that, I have a happy marriage that is contrary to your post but it's still something one should ponder as it is unfortunately a very big reality and problem. My problem that I have is that the embassy keeps giving them visas. I know personally 2 scammers with green cards, passed with flying colors while I know 3 of us who have legit relationships in AP and I have half-a-mind go ask how much hashish the embassy smokes daily but I am rather dependent on them so I bite my tongue for now.

If you had an issue with some of the shariah laws than I give you kind advice to perhaps not marry a Muslim in the future as it's not in anyone's right to revoke someones ethical laws (for either partner) as there has to be some sort of agreement on things. I will conclude that I do believe most MENA men have ill intention on getting a visa as I have seen it and so has my husband first hand whether it's for the visa, contentment, to escape their countries. I just think a lot of these men aren't on visajourney. I'm sorry you were with a bad Muslim and may Allah give you justice whether it's in this life and the next. I hope this post did shed some light to all of us that there is a problem with moreso the embassy for approving these relationships and that perhaps some women will look for more warning signs (evil the travel/gov website has it's own segment on fraud marriages as yes MENA women they are that abundant). Thank you for telling us your story.

Luckily, I already have somebody new who I am absolutely infatuated with. I am not pursuing the relationship because I need to take care and finish this chapter, as well as continuing my education. However, its nice to know I can fall for somebody again. I appreciate you admitting the truth that you are marrying his laws/customs. My ex was extremely religious, but in a hypocritical way rather than in a good nature way. I never knew how much his customs and traditions would influence our relationship. I never met a man who acted the way he does with his family in an almost obsessive way, rather than healthy loving relationships.

[sandinista! 1,816]

The chasm between what you actually post and what you say you've said gets wider with every post.

[sailormoon01 41]

I rest my case OP. I do believe the name calling, the condescension, the immaturity, the irrational venom, the combative baiting and general lack respect with which you respond to others in your posts speaks for itself. I'd just like to leave you with a wise quote...

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

(Mahatma Gandhi)

Cheers!

I was called names and even sworn at by sandinista (creepy screen name... what can she possibly know about Nicaragua.. lol jk). Maybe you should go back and see I didn't call 1 name besides calling somebody "genius". You are the immature one and sandinista with her extreme dark sarcasm and downright rudeness. Peace out.

[sailormoon01 41]

You don't know why people are 'attacking' you (they're really not) because THEY DON'T KNOW YOU...yet, you tar most of their husbands (men whom you don't know) with the same brush as your own. Yeah yeah, you're not talking about 'all', but then you'll talk about 'men from the region' 'most MENA men' blah blah blah.

If you can understand how maligned you feel, think of how what you say comes across about their husbands, and by extension, them. 'Most' MENA men (according to your posts) are scamming abusive bastards who prey on insecure women, who mostly are fat and old. You, naturally, are the exception, because you're not fat, ugly or old, therefore you really don't understand why he was a #######, so of course, it has to be his culture.

And really, everyone here has been helpful, and hasn't thrown that kind of hate your way.

Umm, no...you married The Doctor...sheesh get it right.

I never pointed out anybody's husband because I don't know them or their husbands. Name me one post where I personally talked about a VJers husband. I am simply talking about me and other MENA stories I know about.

[sherryrose 0]

frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man who is trying to just gain something from her.

That was a insult by any long shot period, you are trying to put yourself in a different category, than everyone else. You would be very shock to hang out with me and knowing I am married to a Egyptian, I think that is why you stir up a bee nest with this topic.

[sailormoon01 41]

frumpy, obese, or an older woman desperately in love with a younger man who is trying to just gain something from her.

That was a insult by any long shot period, you are trying to put yourself in a different category, than everyone else. You would be very shock to hang out with me and knowing I am married to a Egyptian, I think that is why you stir up a bee nest with this topic.

No, it was not an insult because it was not directed at nobody in particular. I was referring to the stereotype that people usually assume its desperate women who can't get American guys that are used for visas. I was simply trying to say that I proceeded without a second thought that I might be getting used for a visa because I didn't fall into the category of being much older than the guy or not being somebody he would usually be attracted to. If you or anybody else became offended by something that is NOT even directed at you then that is YOUR problem and reflects on your insecurities. On the other hand, I have been dealt DIRECT insults in this entire thread by people who seriously have some underlying issues. Now, I WILL make a direct stab because I am sick of all the rude, disgusting people on here with no compassion and I don't care anymore. Listening to your attitudes, no wonder why you guys had to marry and desperately cling to men who most likely just want you for your passports. You better pray and hope he never leaves you because who else would want to be around such annoying women? Also, have fun when he bounces and leaves you for a girl 10 years younger than him from his own country. Peace! Enjoy being with somebody you have ZERO in common with. As much as we try to lie to ourselves and say we can relate to these guys, most of us have absolutely NOTHING in common with these men. At the end of the day, it DOES matter to have somebody you are COMFORTABLE with and can share EVERYTHING with, including your families all meeting together once or twice a year, rather than in laws who will NEVER even contact your mother and father, in the same way they would do if you were an Arab girl. Don't use language barriers as an excuse because as I have stated before, my aunt married and all-American guy and my grandparents DON'T speak 1 word of English, yet his family has still made an attempt to get close to our family and his mother sends my grandma holiday and birthday cards every year. Not to mention, a large majority of MENA people have some knowledge of the English language. Keep telling yourself these things don't matter, but they do. At the end of the day, I rather be ALONE the rest of my life than be back with my ex.

If I do decide to eventually settle down, I will NEVER sell myself short again as most women on here have. I will only settle for a marriage with ALL of my family present at the wedding. A man with parents who care to actually become close to me and show respect and acknowledgment to my family. A man I meet offline, who is not desperate to work in the USA. A man where wife is #1 and he can adjust to life as a husband, rather than only continuing his roles as a son and brother and friend, while neglecting what it means to be a husband.

As for sandinista, enjoy your pseudointellectualism. Before joining here, I lurked for a while and always laughed at your ridiculous idiotic comments and hostility. I have seen other threads on here before where women are simply trying to share about their awful experiences and immediately they are attacked! Keep believing that if you guys attack somebody and dismiss their stories that the same won't happen to you.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

[sailormoon01 41]

Again, you know nothing about me and you wouldn't have gotten angry responses if you and your posse hadn't attacked me. My OP was very lovely and civil. I am NOT angry because I am NO LONGER IN LOVE ANYMORE. HATE is NOT the opposite of love, indifference is. I don't hate my ex. I just never want to see him anymore and I hate the time I wasted. It was a useless, wasteful 2.5 years of my life and no woman should have to waste her time doing a visa for pathetic losers.

[sailormoon01 41]

Again, you know nothing about me and you wouldn't have gotten angry responses if you and your posse hadn't attacked me. My OP was very lovely and civil. I am NOT angry because I am NO LONGER IN LOVE ANYMORE. HATE is NOT the opposite of love, indifference is. I don't hate my ex. I just never want to see him anymore and I hate the time I wasted. It was a useless, wasteful 2.5 years of my life and no woman should have to waste her time doing a visa for pathetic losers.