would you go?

[Darnell 8,478]

I dunno - since he's already back in Peru and working,

any joint-decision making process seems to be totally discounted.

Sure, you could jump on the plane tomorrow, but what's wrong with renting out the place in the country,

then getting a big job in a big city in the USA? Once yer settled, remind him to return, then go forth with the rest of the fun bits in joining USA society (get a drivers license, get a job, get joint banking stuff set up)

From how I've read yer stuff, it seems to me he simply moved out of frustration and doesn't seem interested to live in the USA.

[bvpshenvalley2 1]

Thank you so much for your replies. I little clarity. I am the more educated one, he is not. I have lived in Peru. I lived in Lima where I barely earned enough to pay the bills (although I would not choose to live in Miraflores again where it is more expensive). I also lived in Iquitos where I could not find a job. There my husband has family who like to drink a little too much....and my husband unfortunately cannot say no. Which is why I seriously don't want to move to Peru. I am the more responsible one and in the US, I can save a little bit of money.

I cannot say why I cannot get a job in Atlanta. I don't know. It could be that I am middle age and had not had a stable work history in two years due to moving around in countries. A lot of people are having problems finding jobs.

Gosia and Tito, I agree with your comment. I lived in Peru and didn't try to make life miserable because of all the things I missed about America. I was doing what I had to do. People that are successful do what they have to do.

Right now, I do have a job that is not family friendly and I have no family in the area that I can trust. I don't want to be a frazzled mom. I know some people do it and I applaud them. My fear is that I won't be good at both jobs (job and parent) by myself and my daughter would suffer. I did let my daughter go to Peru and I am aware of the chance I am taking. I still trust him to do the right thing and let her come here if I can swing it.

I am studying for my TEFL right now. I was thinking that I can rent my house out and at least go down for a year until my daughter is old enough to attend preschool. I think it may be a little easier to work at my company with her a little older.

Thanks again for all the advice. Keep it coming.

[Tarumba 9]

How could you not discuss all this with him before you guys got married?

Ask yourself...why not Peru? Why does it have to be him to put a hold on his life and change countries? And besides, the whole approach of how he needs to be home being a house-husband because you need someone to take care of the child is pretty dominant over him. How about changing your job? You admit yourself that it's not family friendly...then why are you still working there? You have a family. Why does he have to stay at home unhappily if he clearly doesn't want to?

All I'm saying is, if he were the woman people would be saying it's sexist to expect her to be happy staying at home (stuck without a driver's license) babysitting instead of developing his career or growing as a person.

The situation is even worse if he comes from Lima. The change from a 10-million-people city to a run-down place in the USA is plain AWFUL (I've been there). It's like asking a New Yorker to move to the countryside. And without driving the situation is a million times worse.

Honestly, you guys are married...how can you expect him to live in a situation that makes him so unhappy? Were you expecting him to fully and conveniently adapt to your life style while in the meantime you got a free nanny? You are unhappy because you were planning to add him to your life like an object, and he didn't let you.

I say you don't have to move immediately. What you need is a serious heart to heart conversation where you both decide TOGETHER what your next step is. My husband and I decided to stay here until he's done with school and then we'll move to Europe, where my sister lives (he's originally European). That would make us BOTH happy. I could never dream of imposing my lifestyle on him, and I am sure as hell he would never expect me to totally sacrifice my life for the sake of a crappy job of his. You guys are a team. Sit down over skype and talk things through. Decide together and make a plan. And don't think that somehow your country is better than his, or your life is more important, because that will only separate you more.

Also, all the stuff about school being a problem is a red herring. Your average private school in Peru is WAY cheaper than private schools here, and the quality of education in those schools much better than public education in America. Public education in Peru is #######, though - and the comment about all the research you will have to do...well, having a Peruvian husband probably means that he knows which schools are good and which aren't. Not all of them are for profit and even I can give you a list of really good schools that aren't run for profit and are insanely better than your average American public school. All this you can talk about and decide with him. Maybe he will go back to the US if you are willing to change some things, or maybe he will ask you to move to a bigger town. Maybe you will be totally happy living in a beach town in Peru...who knows. The only thing I know is you have to decide together, and you have to learn to compromise.

Edited July 14, 2013 by Tarumba

[jenni17 36]

Also, all the stuff about school being a problem is a red herring. Your average private school in Peru is WAY cheaper than private schools here, and the quality of education in those schools much better than public education in America. Public education in Peru is #######, though - and the comment about all the research you will have to do...well, having a Peruvian husband probably means that he knows which schools are good and which aren't. Not all of them are for profit and even I can give you a list of really good schools that aren't run for profit and are insanely better than your average American public school. All this you can talk about and decide with him. Maybe he will go back to the US if you are willing to change some things, or maybe he will ask you to move to a bigger town. Maybe you will be totally happy living in a beach town in Peru...who knows. The only thing I know is you have to decide together, and you have to learn to compromise.

Bringing up the topic of schooling in Peru is not a red herring. Better education opportunities for our future children is the main factor in my fiance and I deciding to relocate and settle in the US.

Private schools are of course cheaper in Peru than in the US. However a couple living in Peru is earning in soles not dollars. You can find very good public schools in the US for free.. this also requires research since some school districts are much better than others. The OP has stated that when she lived in Lima before she struggled financially. Obviously finances are a worry... it is important to consider the fact that a good education in Peru will cost you. Public education is not a viable option there.

There are a wide variety of good private school options in Lima yes but you have to look for them. In the provinces the options are less, I'm not saying they don't exist. I taught at one of the "best" private schools in Piura for a year and even a mediocre public school in the US would provide a better education. The OP states that her husband is from Iquitos... i'm sure there are private school options there but they should be thoroughly researched. Moving to lima would create more education and employment opportunities but would raise the cost of living and if his family lives in Iquitos they would also have to consider the cost of child care in Lima.

To the OP I think that becoming TEFL certified will assist greatly in finding a position in Peru... if you would like suggestions of places to apply I can give you many institutes in Lima that are options and I also know two expats who have taught English in Iquitos one at a Private high school another at a Public University... if you would like I can ask them if they have any contacts that would be of help to you.

I suggest you discuss all of this with your husband and come to a mutual decision as to what is best for your relationship and for the future of your daughter. Good luck!

[Gosia & Tito 199]

Thank you so much for your replies. I little clarity. I am the more educated one, he is not. I have lived in Peru. I lived in Lima where I barely earned enough to pay the bills (although I would not choose to live in Miraflores again where it is more expensive). I also lived in Iquitos where I could not find a job. There my husband has family who like to drink a little too much....and my husband unfortunately cannot say no. Which is why I seriously don't want to move to Peru. I am the more responsible one and in the US, I can save a little bit of money.

I cannot say why I cannot get a job in Atlanta. I don't know. It could be that I am middle age and had not had a stable work history in two years due to moving around in countries. A lot of people are having problems finding jobs.

Gosia and Tito, I agree with your comment. I lived in Peru and didn't try to make life miserable because of all the things I missed about America. I was doing what I had to do. People that are successful do what they have to do.

Right now, I do have a job that is not family friendly and I have no family in the area that I can trust. I don't want to be a frazzled mom. I know some people do it and I applaud them. My fear is that I won't be good at both jobs (job and parent) by myself and my daughter would suffer. I did let my daughter go to Peru and I am aware of the chance I am taking. I still trust him to do the right thing and let her come here if I can swing it.

I am studying for my TEFL right now. I was thinking that I can rent my house out and at least go down for a year until my daughter is old enough to attend preschool. I think it may be a little easier to work at my company with her a little older.

Thanks again for all the advice. Keep it coming.

Hope you arrive to a good decisions and long term outcome.

As you have already seen, Lima is not the easiest place to live. There is people doing well, and there is people who are not. WIth the housing cost up in the sky these days, if you don't have a place you had since about 5-10 years ago, you will paying a lot of money, even in less 'glamorous' areas, like Jesus Maria, Lince, etc. In any case, husband has to still bring something to the table, in the form of $ or care for child.

We are planning to move over there in a few years, but not Lima; just too many people, cars, pollution, etc. You do realize that Iquitos is not a big city and it lives basically out of commerce with some industry based on forestry products, educational opportunities exist but are not plenty and there is a level of isolation as there is really few ways to get in/go out (which makes cost of living higher by the way).

Others have listed teaching English as a good way to ear a living; and it is, but it is not as it was several years, as there are others providing the service. I also noticed you mentioned being middle age and as you probably already know, there is age discrimination, specially against women over there; so as I said before; you need to take a good and deep look at the pros/cons of living there for 1-2, maybe up to 5-7 years; now, I'm not trying to say it is not such a good place, but it is what you make of it what can be good or not.

Play to your edge, which is a command of English; Can it be used to your advantage in a tourism related endeavor? For example, a native speaker of English might be desirable in some situations of perhaps customized and high end tourist tours, especially with an objective view and commentary from someone who can see things with the eyes of a non-native?

[Caryh 5,206]

I'd move to my wife's country in a heartbeat if it was possible. I have kids from a previous marriage, one of which I still support. No way could I do that in her country, in fact the odds of I being able to work at all are slim and none. My wife never had a desire to move to the USA. She also had a strong work ethic and the period of time she was stuck in the house was driving her crazy. Even after starting work it hasn't been easy for her to adjust to being away from her family and home country. Its taken a lot of support from me, and a lot of acceptance of her acting out when its getting to her. It never surprises me when I see international marriages fall apart, of for a sudden swing into moving to the other's country.

Life where you've brought your husband sounds like it was just too much for him to take. Moving to a better place may have been a better option, but that's water under the bridge now, as he's returned with your child to his home country. If he's willing, maybe you could move your location to a place where he could thrive rather than wither. But barring that, it sounds like you moving there is the best option. After the bitter taste he got from the first attempt to live here, he may not be willing to return. I know my wife never would have at a certain point in her first years in the USA. If at all possibly, a child needs two parents, don't give up on your child and being with your husband if the love between you exists. One day when the USA's economy is doing better, maybe you can move as a complete family back.

[Jawaree 717]

That dude felt homesick, abandon with just caring for the child, frustrations

as a real man, wants to have his own earned money, language problems &

obviously a very tired wife who comes in from a job worn out.

This dude don't seem to care about a GC if he does he has to return soon, right

I think U will not get custody of your daughter unless U move back to Peru, and if

U stay away too long , she may have another female in her life...did U both never

talk/planned somewhat where U would live and work in the US? if he was in a

city where he could interact, get out at times find some work, he would not have

become that depressed, I think U should chuck the job , go see about you family

and decide what U want to do.

[bvpshenvalley2 1]

I'd move to my wife's country in a heartbeat if it was possible. I have kids from a previous marriage, one of which I still support. No way could I do that in her country, in fact the odds of I being able to work at all are slim and none.

***Yup, we have a toddler--taking care of her and giving her the best education is top on my list. I fear that we will not be able to provide that in Peru. I know we live in a not so fun area here in the US, but after a year of looking for a job, I took the first one I could get.

My wife never had a desire to move to the USA. She also had a strong work ethic and the period of time she was stuck in the house was driving her crazy. Even after starting work it hasn't been easy for her to adjust to being away from her family and home country. Its taken a lot of support from me, and a lot of acceptance of her acting out when its getting to her. It never surprises me when I see international marriages fall apart, of for a sudden swing into moving to the other's country.

***Very insightful.......I think some people may think that the USA is better than their country and they are not prepared for the change. I think that is what happened with my husband. I knew it would be a big change for him. Unlike your wife, he came from a poor family and the jobs was able to find were hardly enough to support a family. I didn't have the same reaction when I moved to Peru earlier because I expected worse than my country and I just dealt with it.

Life where you've brought your husband sounds like it was just too much for him to take. Moving to a better place may have been a better option, but that's water under the bridge now, as he's returned with your child to his home country. If he's willing, maybe you could move your location to a place where he could thrive rather than wither. But barring that, it sounds like you moving there is the best option. After the bitter taste he got from the first attempt to live here, he may not be willing to return. I know my wife never would have at a certain point in her first years in the USA. If at all possibly, a child needs two parents, don't give up on your child and being with your husband if the love between you exists. One day when the USA's economy is doing better, maybe you can move as a complete family back.

***He just told me that he wanted to move back here. He can survive in his country, but he wants what we have here for our child. I am going to make him wait. For one, I need to save up the money for the ticket. Two, he needs to be absolutely sure he wants to stay here. I left my options open but a promotion just came up for me and I got it, so I should stay here for a while to make the training worth it for my company. I didn't want to not pursue it because he was in Peru. I am hoping the workload is better and I am at least able to get my daughter back for a while. I am also studying for my TEFL so I haven't closed my mind off to living there. I think we need to weigh our options every year. We are still on good terms and still in love---but we have a lot of talking to do.

[Darnell 8,478]

Keep in mind there's absolutely nothing wrong with him being a house-husband for a year - though it is a different experience..

[The Mean Lady 604]

I am suspicious to the amount of times you like to bring up that you are so much more educated than him.

Not that i may not be true, but it's rather rude to continue to say so in that manner.

I hope you don't constantly bring that up to him.

If packing up and moving to Peru was an option, why was packing up and moving to a better city in one of the other 47 contiguous states in the US not?

I don't see the problem with Moving to Peru even if you are more educated.

Use your very expensive college educated mind to make things happen in Peru.

Especially if you have lived there before.

I'm just not understanding the issues here.

Edited July 24, 2013 by The Mean Lady

[InHisTime 110]

I'd move to my wife's country in a heartbeat if it was possible. I have kids from a previous marriage, one of which I still support. No way could I do that in her country, in fact the odds of I being able to work at all are slim and none. My wife never had a desire to move to the USA. She also had a strong work ethic and the period of time she was stuck in the house was driving her crazy. Even after starting work it hasn't been easy for her to adjust to being away from her family and home country. Its taken a lot of support from me, and a lot of acceptance of her acting out when its getting to her. It never surprises me when I see international marriages fall apart, of for a sudden swing into moving to the other's country.

Life where you've brought your husband sounds like it was just too much for him to take. Moving to a better place may have been a better option, but that's water under the bridge now, as he's returned with your child to his home country. If he's willing, maybe you could move your location to a place where he could thrive rather than wither. But barring that, it sounds like you moving there is the best option. After the bitter taste he got from the first attempt to live here, he may not be willing to return. I know my wife never would have at a certain point in her first years in the USA. If at all possibly, a child needs two parents, don't give up on your child and being with your husband if the love between you exists. One day when the USA's economy is doing better, maybe you can move as a complete family back.

Hi Caryh, I do agree with your thoughts. Not everyone desires to come to America especially those who have strong family ties, good and stable job in their home countries. I too went to America through K-1 visa but I had to come home before my 90 days because of too much fears I developed when I got there. The culprit was I didn't like how I was treated by one immediate family of my Fiance while leaving on same house. There was no peace, acceptance and stability. At the beginning, I thought I could fully give up my nice job and stay with my Fiance and build our future together in the name of "love".... But it was a nightmare, I felt so homesick and confused. I just knew that it was not worth of my sacrifices to give up my nice career, familes, independence, and comfort zone. Yeah, there should be strong support and positive environment given to new immigrant or stranger. So glad that you are supportive and compassionate with your wife....that's nice of you ! It is easier and much more inspiring for her I know.

I'm back home for more than a year now and in fact, me and Fiance are still talking. I know there is true love but I think it was not the right time. Of course I left America with good heart despite of not so well outcome. Maybe it was a learning experience for both of us. My Fiance wanted to file another petition to bring me back to America, but I had to honestly say that at this point, I am not interested to return. I just think maybe the only way for us to finally live together if he stays and live here in the PI, but for now he couldn't do it due to his job as well.

I like America...such a nice place, but I was also hoping to live a life with harmony, peace, trust, and understanding...these are more important to me than anything. And I think having a good job is also very important for me as I am a woman who is very independent when it comes to my finances.

So I think....it's not really the place....it is more on who you are sharing life with and the quality of relationship. In short, we must be happy no matter what, where, who.....

To the OP, yes, you really need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Learn to compromise and listen through your heart. Not all people likes to live in America....for vacation trips that all perfect, but when I think of staying and living....it is a different thing as I need to see some support systems, jobs, source of living, etc.

Everything works in love, faith, and hope....but the greatest of all is "Love". God bless you ! --- InHisTime