Fiance betrays me

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Yesterday my fiance told me that she made out with another guy for 15 min. She says no intercourse, but the requisite amount of kissing and touching. There is only one American man in her college. She decides to make friends with him, then goes to his dorm alone. Then she says she was surprised at what happened. I do admire her honesty in telling me about this 1 hour after it occurred. But my feeling is that we are engaged to be married. How can she do this to me? I also think, if she seeks the one American man in her college and does this with him, how can I bring her to the USA and trust her with all the American horndogs around here? It seems no way. Even though she swears it will never happen again and begs for another chance, I know I will just get hurt again. 4 trips to China, $25,000 and countless hours now seem all to be wasted. All thrown away in 15 minutes. But I am not an angel either. I lied about a previous marriage until my 3rd trip to China. Being 30 years older than her doesn't help either. But I came clean and I have been true to her (except about my past) since we met. Maybe it's my come uppance. Now I need to think about whether I should give her up. But I know now that I can't bring her here. Comments and thoughts (even brutally honest ones) are welcome.

Mike

Walk away now and don't look back.

Ditto.

[Peikko 1,575]

I have no idea why you would seek advice from a message board. Nowt so ####### as folk as they say.

Age differences aside, no idea how that works, but could she have sought out an American simply because he reminded her of you?

Still, I have to say, if one party seeks any form of physical companionship outside the relationship it shows there is either something missing, or the person seeking the physical hasn't matured enough yet for a monogomous relationship...and that isn't always age related.

[waitingforher 0]

I have to agree with aussiewench on this one.

It is extremely hard to give advice on this situation because we don't know you personally nor her, but I give her big bonus points for telling you.

From her telling you, you can think about two things, "Why would she tell you?" without knowing her, I have no clue if this was due to guilt, and you know her better than any of us do so, "What are you going to do now?"

Good Luck and may you make the right decision for you.

[Caladan 19]

No advice about what to do. Just give it a couple days before you make any decision, one way or another, and talk with her about it. Let your heart cool down a bit.

[Mike and Lily 13]

Thank you all for the frank comments. Where I go from here I am not sure. I must discount all the time and effort I put into this relationship and focus exclusively on the future. Our 30 years age difference is a problem (she has had no prior relationships before and is a little clueless in that arena except for the experiences we both enjoyed together) , but we do have many things in commom and share alot of time on the telephone together every day. The only thing I know for sure right now is that I do not want to bring her to the USA, and marriage is far from my mind right now. What I really need to consider is if I can forgive her and trust her again. But I also need to consider if I want to have a permanent relationship with someone I don't dare to bring to the USA to live with me, and if that could work. All difficult decisions. Ending this relationship would not be an easy one for me, because I still love her dearly. I will use maturity and deliberation in my actions and I am sure I will make the right decision.

Mike

[BJZags 17]

Honestly I'm surprised it took her so long to "cheat" on you, though I'm not sure a 15-minute make-out session constitutes cheating. I would think the 30-year age gap would ensure that you two have NOTHING in common upon which to build a life together. And even if you did, how good is it for her to marry you? She's looking at a good 35-40 years as a widow based upon the average life expectancies I would think.

Now, with all that set-aside, if you still love her, I would say give it another "go." Since you never would have discovered this 15-minute transgression without her telling you, I would say her veracity demonstrates a serious level of affection and dedication to the relationship.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

But I know now that I can't bring her here.

What's the question then? Are you ready to relocate to China?

[Fandango 1,439]

And even if you did, how good is it for her to marry you? She's looking at a good 35-40 years as a widow based upon the average life expectancies I would think.

I am usually the first one to be totally grossed out by a large age difference when the woman is still quite young herself, but at the same time this bit of yours that I c&p is kinda harsh & very cruel. Like saying 'well you're gonna die cos you're so much older'....like totally wayyyy outta line imo.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

And even if you did, how good is it for her to marry you? She's looking at a good 35-40 years as a widow based upon the average life expectancies I would think.

... this bit of yours that I c&p is kinda harsh & very cruel.

Harsh, yes. But statistically fair. Men have a lower life expectancy than women as it is. Add on a 30 year age gap and well...

[Caladan 19]

1) do you think she'll still want to be with you if you don't plan to live in the U.S.? I don't mean to cast aspersions at all, but presumably she already has plans to come to the U.S. with you, and changing that would be a big shock.

2) Why are you so certain that the problem is just because he was an American man? I mean, if C. cheated on me, I wouldn't be thinking that the problem was Canadian women per se, but with fidelity in general.

3) Are you certain that she wasn't coerced? Had she been drinking? (Whether the latter is a problem is for you to decide, of course, but probably worth keeping in mind.)

[Fandango 1,439]

And even if you did, how good is it for her to marry you? She's looking at a good 35-40 years as a widow based upon the average life expectancies I would think.

... this bit of yours that I c&p is kinda harsh & very cruel.

Harsh, yes. But statistically fair. Men have a lower life expectancy than women as it is. Add on a 30 year age gap and well...

Since when is life guaranteed to follow statistical data? I'm not saying that it's not a logical assumption to say a younger person has a longer life expectancy than an older one, but saying so to someone in a situation of heartache is socially retarded imo. One could say 'what do you have in common, life goals, etc....not hey you're gonna die sooner so why bother?'

[Identity 0]

Jim Clark, the 62-year-old founder of Netscape, is in a relationship with Kristy Hinze (a 26-year-old). For you Americans, that's a 36 year difference.

[clloyd 0]

Jim Clark, the 62-year-old founder of Netscape, is in a relationship with Kristy Hinze (a 26-year-old). For you Americans, that's a 36 year difference.

Hum, thank you for that lesson in counting.

[Peikko 1,575]

The most telling thing the OP has said, is that this is the girls first 'serious'

she has had no prior relationships before and is a little clueless in that arena except for the experiences we both enjoyed together)

While the age difference in itself may not be an issue, that she is also 'relationship inexperienced' has to raise some alarm bells surely? I mean, it's one thing for two similaly aged people to learn about dealing with relationships, but to have one who has been previously married and with who knows how many other relationships under their belt while the other partner is a 'relationship' virgin, and possibly a sexual virgin to boot....

I have to say, that for all her faults, she's going to be crushed if she had genuine feelings for the OP, whatever the outcome.

[chas3121 0]

I would walk away this will be in the back of your mind from now on even when she is here and it will eat at you. I think the age difference is too much also look for someone closer to your age you will have more in commen