Fiance betrays me

[babybunny 2]

I would say this.. would you be willing to toss this all in the FIRE for a stupid kiss? if they had sex and blah blah blah...that for sure warrents the death penalty. she at least told you.

she could have kept it secret and 9 months later a baby.. thats what happend to me.. my EX husband kept his secret in the closet.

then 9 months later he had a BOUNCING baby boy and a life time of child support..

wait ... did the OP LIE about being married before?

if so... let me tell you this..

perhaps she was hurt when she found out you LIED to her.. she proble felt just as hurt. sometimes when someone is hurt they do things not really out of spite but out of pain. sometimes a simple understanding ear and a little comfort brings you back to reality. she proble was thinking about you the time she kissed the fellow wishing it was you there not this joker. I dont know if this is the case.

[Yodrak 7]

sakurasama,

Thank you for these words - this is the concept that underlies my post.

Yodrak

.....

If you dump her because she made a mistake and confessed to you, I think you will be the one who failed at loving her and not the other way around.

Mike,

I'd trust her to be faithful to you more than I'd trust you to be faithful to her.

Yodrak

Edited November 28, 2006 by Yodrak

[Yodrak 7]

Mike,

I'm not so sure. In addition to what I've quoted here you wrote that she told you she got out of there in 15 minutes. Some people felt that 15 minutes was a long time - I think that for the woman you have described in this thread 15 minutes may well have been as quickly as she could see her way to get out.

So far, having some experience with and understanding of Asian women, I don't see what you are so worried about based on this incident. If this is the proverbial 'icing on the cake' I might think different, but you have not put forth any cake.

Yodrak

..... Many Chinese girls are not accostumed to the tactics of American men. But that is not an excuse, she was not compelled or intimidated to do this. She could have easily said "no". Alchohol was not a factor.

....

Mike

..... she has had no prior relationships before and is a little clueless in that arena except for the experiences we both enjoyed together ......

Mike

Edited November 28, 2006 by Yodrak

[Clement & Emily 0]

Yesterday my fiance told me that she made out with another guy for 15 min. She says no intercourse, but the requisite amount of kissing and touching. There is only one American man in her college. She decides to make friends with him, then goes to his dorm alone. Then she says she was surprised at what happened. I do admire her honesty in telling me about this 1 hour after it occurred. But my feeling is that we are engaged to be married. How can she do this to me? I also think, if she seeks the one American man in her college and does this with him, how can I bring her to the USA and trust her with all the American horndogs around here? It seems no way. Even though she swears it will never happen again and begs for another chance, I know I will just get hurt again. 4 trips to China, $25,000 and countless hours now seem all to be wasted. All thrown away in 15 minutes. But I am not an angel either. I lied about a previous marriage until my 3rd trip to China. Being 30 years older than her doesn't help either. But I came clean and I have been true to her (except about my past) since we met. Maybe it's my come uppance. Now I need to think about whether I should give her up. But I know now that I can't bring her here. Comments and thoughts (even brutally honest ones) are welcome.

Mike

So sorry Mike...

If I were you I would turn around and walk away...don't ever look back! It will be painful and hurts like hell for a while but eventually you will recover and be whole again.

BTW, notify CSC you are terminating the K-1 petition.

CW

[MairzyDoats 0]

Dear Mike,

First.... Nobody knows your situation and shouldn't be giving you counseling here at V.J.

Mike did ask for advice, though. I don't think it's right to negate what people have contributed simply because you personally do not feel we are all "qualified" to respond to Mike. He asked, and that's the point of the board. To ask for advice and receive it and filter out what doesn't work and keep what does.

My take on the situation is, she's young and she's probably lonely and let herself do something she shouldn't have. Mike, you lied to her even after you'd met her a couple of times, right? Why did you finally tell her the truth? Did you feel guilty? What were the circumstances surrounding the lie you told her? Something like that could damage trust for sure, depending on how involved you both were at the time of the lie. I'm very concerned about that but you seem to be remorseful -- and so is she. You both made a mistake, and I think you both need to give each other another chance. Try to find out why she did what she did -- was she lonely for you, or just caught up in a moment, or did she go out and hunt this person down with the intention of getting frisky with him? Why is she going to someone else for comfort? Granted this long distance stuff is trecherous because there are times we just need a little touch or a kiss or to even just look into our beloved's eyes and we are denied even that. If she has no experience with other men and hasn't dated etc. you may find that she could feel she missed out on those things by settling down with you so soon. Heck i have a friend who married young who feels that way and her hubby and she are Americans and near in age.

The age diff can be a problem, but it depends on the people. I'm 9 years older than my fiance and there are moments when I feel it more, but overall we're good.

Take a good look at yourself and have a good talk with your lady. Don't give up too quickly, but investigate it and hold yourself to the same standards that you require of others. Good luck!

[Mike and Lily 13]

I would like the thank everyone that gave constructive comments. I have decided to stay with her and continue our relationship. Time will tell if this relationship will survive. We are so early in the Visa process that we have much time to figure this out before the big decisions need to be made. At this point I can for the most part attribute this to an error in judjment by a naive young girl who came clean as soon as she realized her mistake and learned her lesson. I don't claim to corner the market on perfect behavior either, so we will just move on with our lives together at this point and let the future take it's course. But mostly, I love her dearly, and I believe she loves me too and it's a relationship worth saving. If I do bring her to the USA to get married, a prenup is absolutely necessary and she knows it. But if I really thought she would hurt me again ever, I would just end it now. I will have some faith here and forget the past. She forgot mine. Now we just move on.

Mike

[no name 1]

I would like the thank everyone that gave constructive comments. I have decided to stay with her and continue our relationship. Time will tell if this relationship will survive. We are so early in the Visa process that we have much time to figure this out before the big decisions need to be made. At this point I can for the most part attribute this to an error in judjment by a naive young girl who came clean as soon as she realized her mistake and learned her lesson. I don't claim to corner the market on perfect behavior either, so we will just move on with our lives together at this point and let the future take it's course. But mostly, I love her dearly, and I believe she loves me too and it's a relationship worth saving. If I do bring her to the USA to get married, a prenup is absolutely necessary and she knows it. But if I really thought she would hurt me again ever, I would just end it now. I will have some faith here and forget the past. She forgot mine. Now we just move on.

Mike

Good luck Mike. Stay open & honest!

[Mary Lou 682]

Good Luck!!

[doodlebug 3]

good luck!

[TracyLuis 0]

To each his own....

[Mags 112]

Wish you the best Mike.

[almaty 19]

I would like the thank everyone that gave constructive comments. I have decided to stay with her and continue our relationship. Time will tell if this relationship will survive. We are so early in the Visa process that we have much time to figure this out before the big decisions need to be made. At this point I can for the most part attribute this to an error in judjment by a naive young girl who came clean as soon as she realized her mistake and learned her lesson. I don't claim to corner the market on perfect behavior either, so we will just move on with our lives together at this point and let the future take it's course. But mostly, I love her dearly, and I believe she loves me too and it's a relationship worth saving. If I do bring her to the USA to get married, a prenup is absolutely necessary and she knows it. But if I really thought she would hurt me again ever, I would just end it now. I will have some faith here and forget the past. She forgot mine. Now we just move on.

Mike

my best to you brother

[mRx 16]

best of luck to you Mike.

[Peggy 1]

Best of luck

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I didn't comment before, but did read, so all the best to you both. Hope it works out for you. M.