Fiance betrays me

[Flames9_RN 358]

I've read all 10 pages of this thread and still can't fathom why the person with whom your fiancée commited an indiscretion being an American man is in any way material to the issue you have been discussing.

It's sort of relevant.

1) If she's after a green card, then any American would do.

2) If she loves him, it's possible that she wanted to spend some time with another

American to find out more about the country and practice her English.

Sounds like she was practicing her "french" Hope it all works out for the best!!

[Ban Hammer 13,342]

Yesterday my fiance told me that she made out with another guy for 15 min. She says no intercourse, but the requisite amount of kissing and touching.

bolded part i'm referencing.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Lying about a previous marriage would be a deal breaker for me

[mawilson 2,133]

To the OP

Give the gal a break. 15 minutes, kissing for gawds sake and she told you. How many men would do the same, or women for that matter.

Hey, that's what I said!

[aussiewench 9]

Lying about a previous marriage would be a deal breaker for me

I agree. Lying is not good in my book either. Yet this gal loved him enough to forgive and not dwell on it. One could say that could make him a serial liar just as it is being presumed that she will be a serial cheater.

[chri'stina 190]

I guess everyone's tolerance levels are different. If Sujeet had done that, I would be crushed and would have a hard time trusting him ever again. It'd be a deal breaker for me. I'm sure it would have been a deal breaker for Sujeet too if I had done that. 15 mins is not an accident. I think it is good that she admitted to it, and I am sure she feels guilty. But for me, I wouldn't be able to trust my fiance anymore.

ETA-Lying about a previous marriage would also be a deal breaker for me!

Edited November 27, 2006 by stina&suj

[Ban Hammer 13,342]

To the OP

Give the gal a break. 15 minutes, kissing for gawds sake and she told you. How many men would do the same, or women for that matter.

Hey, that's what I said!

so um what's next? she didn't swallow so it must not be cheating?

[garya505 2]

Seems to me that the real issue here is a commitment to the relationship. I mean, would this woman do something like that if she was really committed to the relationship?

I would say to you and any others crucifying this gal for 15 minutes who did disclose this indiscretion to her fiance.....What of the many men who would say they are committed to their marriages and DO love their wives, that visit ladies of the night. You may say they are therefore not committed, they would beg to differ.

To the OP

Give the gal a break. 15 minutes, kissing for gawds sake and she told you. How many men would do the same, or women for that matter. I give her huge points for her honesty and the hope that she must of had in you loving her enough to forgive her. Just as you would of hoped that she forgave you for lying to her. She could of wondered what else have you lied about and dwelled on it. You don't indicate that she had done that. Instead she loved you enough to forgive.

The men who visit ladies of the night are not really committed to their wives. They are playing a game, and I'm sure many get away with it.

I for one would never even consider having any kind of relationship (or sex, or "making out", or flirting, or whatever) with a woman other than my fiancee. In fact, it never even crosses my mind. You see, the actions and thoughts come from the commitment, not the other way around. You can call this old fashioned, or unrealistic, or whatever (maybe because you don't feel that way?) but its true.

English is not my fiancee's first language, so sometimes things come out kind of funny like. I once asked her if she would ever have another boyfriend. Her answer was "that's impossible dear", which (I determined after some additional conversation) was her way of saying in three words what I just said in the entire previous paragraph.

[Alex+R 0]

I think the worst thing she did is tell her fiance. She should have taken the opportunity to decide if she was really interested in marrying him, and if not she should have told him without mentioning cheating.

If she really cared enough about you, she'd keep it to herself and let it torture her for the rest of her life.

IMO, besides the obvious lack of respect involved in cheating (assuming you and your partner have agreed on monogamy), this is why I would never cheat.

[aussiewench 9]

I guess everyone's tolerance levels are different. If Sujeet had done that, I would be crushed and would have a hard time trusting him ever again. It'd be a deal breaker for me. I'm sure it would have been a deal breaker for Sujeet too if I had done that. 15 mins is not an accident. I think it is good that she admitted to it, and I am sure she feels guilty. But for me, I wouldn't be able to trust my fiance anymore.

And that is the real issue here IMO, not that she cheated. If the OP feels he can't trust her again, then there is no relationship. She trusted him again, but its obvious that he can't do the same. They are both better off apart if there isn't going to be trust as he is not the only one that will be hurt, SHE will be.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I think the worst thing she did is tell her fiance. She should have taken the opportunity to decide if she was really interested in marrying him, and if not she should have told him without mentioning cheating.

If she really cared enough about you, she'd keep it to herself and let it torture her for the rest of her life.

IMO, besides the obvious lack of respect involved in cheating (assuming you and your partner have agreed on monogamy), this is why I would never cheat.

I'd like to piggyback on this for a moment, though not in relation to the OP's situation, as all anyone can do with respect to determining whether or not his fiancée's intention was to be honest with him, is pure conjecture. However, many times "coming clean" or admitting something is not always an act of kindness for the other person, but rather, a self-serving act to cleanse oneself of one's own pangs of guilt.

Mawilson,

It's not relevant at all, in so far as the initial discussion that the OP brought up is concerned. He is reeling from the betrayal of her trust as it relates to her sexual activity. The fact that the individual was American makes no difference whatsoever in that regard. Indiscretion with a Brazilian male, or a Norwegian male would have brought about the same result.

[Mike and Lily 13]

One was 2 1/2 months and we went all over china together.

What was $25,000 for?You spent this much for 4 trips to China???

[Patrick808 0]

I read the entire thread.

I think this is worth repeating

...

Marriage is hard and your spouse will hurt you. That is a given. They will disappoint you and make mistakes. You will too. And you forgive each other and your love grows stronger because you learn that you can count on that person even when they aren't perfect and even when they don't do everything you wish they would.

She is young and she is bound to do the dumb things young people do and you just have to realize that and that she will grow older and stop doing those things. Youth is a temporary state.

I don't know how sad and lonely she is being away from you but I know how sad and lonely I am being away from my fiance and I sure enough would choose someone just like him to cheat with if I were to cheat! And whoever makes a big deal about the time frame, after the first thirty seconds your brain turns off.

If you dump her because she made a mistake and confessed to you, I think you will be the one who failed at loving her and not the other way around.

Aloha

[Mike and Lily 13]

Thank you everyone for your responses. THey have ranged from the ridiculous to the very supportive. I have thought about this rationally and unemotionally. I made some serious decisions and developed a plan of action. I will discuss with my fiance and I will tell this board my decisions after everything is settled with my fiance. None of this is easy.

Mike

[Kez/JWolf 6]

Good Luck Mike...