Marriage Advice for US Citizens and their Immigrant Spouses

[roxcrew 0]

Yes, I am very aware and grateful of the sacrifice my fiance will be making in giving up her life there and moving here. That's part of what worries me about homesickness, as it is quite a lot to give up.

I'm also interested in knowing the specifics of these horror stories of the way pinay girls are treated here by guys. Maybe it is region specific, but I'd still love to know regardless, if you don't mind sharing.

I have no doubt that you are, as am I and anyone else lucky enough to have found their true love...wherever it may be.

As far as the "horror stories" I used that phrase as an example of the thinking I have heard, I have yet to hear any specifics, but my Fiance occasionally uses the phrase, and tells me she has heard of mistreated girls, etc...the point I was trying to make was that people overseas do hear "horror stories" regardless of there (the stories) truth, some folk do hear them, and it can color a persons outlook, meaning that someone may overreact to a statement or phrasing, and that in my opinion it's best to always try to assume the best in our loved ones.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

One thing which surprised me is that the feeling of homesickness can come and go over the years.

I didn't feel at all homesick for about the first year - I was so excited and happy to finally be together. Then at the end of that first year I suddenly did feel homesick which was a big surprise. Then it went away. Then the following year I had a baby and it came back again because I missed being around all my family and friends for those first few months after the baby was born. Then it went away again. Then my mother died at the beginning of this year and it's come back again - in fact quite a strong longing to go home.

My point is that homesickness isn't something which only happens in the first few months for a new immigrant, and it's not necessarily connected to how well adjusted or how nice a life you have in your new country. It's something that the US spouse needs to be sensitive to for the whole marriage.

[ConGau1981 56]

My fiance uses Facebook and became friends with most of my family here in the US. She talks to my parents and my sister more than I do. They cannot wait until she gets here, and I know that will be a huge advantage for her. She wont feel isolated and when I am at work she will be with my sister and her kids. Having that support will help her transition quickly. She is going to leave her family in Vietnam, but when she gets to the US she will have a mother and father and sister waiting for her. Also she has friends in the US that she stays in contact with. We have talked about her going to school to improve her English. She wants to be able to speak fluently and she knows that will better her chances to find work. I have also read stories on VJ "the horror stories" as they are called. But it is no different than stories about non foreign couples. Everybody has hard times but the hard times just wake you up to the good stuff that you might have missed before. My parents will celebrate their 38th wedding anniversary in August and they are a great example for me. My father gives me great advice, I am smart enough now to follow it. When I was younger I thought I knew everything and I didn't want to listen to anyone. Now that I grew up, I realize that he was right all along!

[Alex & Rachel 78]

One thing which surprised me is that the feeling of homesickness can come and go over the years.

This, absolutely!

I'm in my fifth year of being here and I've never been more homesick. The first two years went by fairly smoothly, all things considered. It's a constant up-down process, and events like having a baby definitely affect matters.

Honestly, although I wasn't homesick, the first two years were really tough and my husband did not help matters at all. So I give advice as what NOT to do! We are still married, though, so it has a happy ending.

I like Vanessa's list! In addition, here are my suggestions:

- Do what you can to make your home a home for BOTH of you. Usually, when a couple marries or moves in together, they have a chance to set up a home together. In the case of VJ couples, the foreign spouse is usually entering a house (or apartment) that the domestic spouse has already established. Alex bought furniture a month or two before I arrived which really bugged me - it wasn't to my tastes at all, and I'd deliberately asked him to hold off on buying it! We did, however, get to buy new bedding and a few other things together, which was fun.

- Get your family/friends on board. I truly believe what saved our marriage was that I dearly and utterly love Alex's parents. They did their best to make me feel like their daughter (not just their daughter-in-law!) and were really supportive. My mother-in-law is a surrogate mother to me. Also, Alex and I made a few friends *together* - so I wasn't just piggy-backing onto Alex's social life, or making my own - we had one as a couple.

- Keep them busy! Two days after we were married, Alex was laid off. He grew really depressed and sat around at home all day in his pyjamas while I found a job, worked as many hours as possible to keep us afloat, and did all the housework and cooking, too. I do NOT recommend this way of doing things... but I have to admit, I was kept so busy as to hardly be homesick at all! This follows on from Vanessa's suggestions - help your spouse find a job, find friends, find classes (at a local college or the gym) she might like to do, etc.

[ArianneChris 6]

We're still waiting for our NOA2, but we discuss from time to time worries we have when I move over (well, they're mostly my worries)

While I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my fiancee, it's sad that I have to leave my family, friends, basically everything all over again (I've done it before, my family moved to New Zealand from the Philippines). But I guess just the thought of going through all that again is quite daunting. Saying goodbye sucks. And it's not like I can visit often (New Zealand to Florida trips are quite pricey, and take 36 hours each way!)

I definitely agree with having patience, and just being understanding (even if you don't understand). I remember visiting my fiancee for a month, and we were spending lots of time with his family and friends. Then one night, I just suddenly felt quite sad. It's not like I wasn't having fun, or anyone treated me badly. It's just, sometimes you realise how you won't be able to do these little fun things with YOUR family or YOUR friends. I didn't know what the heck was wrong with me, I'm usually quite level-headed. But I just felt that way.

There wasn't anything my fiancee could do, but he was just there, listened, and tried his best to comfort me. A lot of times things won't make sense, like why your spouse gets upset, or down. She probably won't know why either. So the best advice is, just be there for her. And that you can't really know what she's going through unless you've been through it.

Of course there are practical ones too as outlined in earlier posts

-find a hobby to do together

-encourage her to make friends (try going to a local church, go to maybe clubs with people who immigrated from the same country, double date with some of your friends)

-help her through all the stuff she needs to get settled (SSN, drivers' license, etc)

-set up skype "dates" with her family and friends back home

-plan short term stuff (just little trips out of town, going out to dinner - this gives her something to look forward to and be excited about)

-plan long term (having a kid? when you'll visit her home country for a reunion? again, it's good to have something to look forward to!)

[CaroSL 68]

help your spouse find a job, find friends, find classes (at a local college or the gym) she might like to do, etc.

This is a very good advice...

As a new comer in the country, we have so many things to figure out. And we have to push ourselves to do so many things we are not comfortable with (find a job, find new friends, go out in an unknown environment...)

Help her in anyway you can. Ask her what she wants to do, what activity she would like to have, help her find one. And don't send her to someone else who can help her. This is your job. Sit down, search the internet with her.

And ask her." Is there anything you would like to do, or you planned to do, and you are not doing? Why?" and help her get there. I would say, you shouldn't stop doing this for at least a year. After 3 months, even if your wife seems perfectly well, and strong and happy/integrated, she will still appreciate your help with little things, I promise!

[Partita 17]

Reading all the posts I got little melancholic... All of the recommendations are good. I might add, as someone wrote earlier in the thread, that homesickness comes when you least expecting it

[sandgoose 8]

My wife never cooked when she lived in South Korea. Her mom prepared all of her meals (and they were GOOD). Anyway, I love to cook a number of foods, and she's picked up on my hobby. I think cooking is one of those things that anyone can do without thinking about language. We are in NYC which makes gathering ingredients easy - especially Korean things. There is a fruit / veg market near my place that is run by Koreans. I didn't even know this when I signed the lease on my place. It's turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

My wife doesn't really like to go out on her own yet. I think she's always afraid due to the dramas like CSI and the like. Anyway, she likes to go to that market and get stuff. She's into pickling now. It's awesome - fresh pickles all the time. Salsa too, the best I've ever had. It's amazing how much a simple thing like cooking has helped ease her pain here. The doorman to my building always talks to her when she goes out, and he always tells me things like "your wife brought home a bag of groceries that weighed more than her!".

I love it.

Another thing, not sure about other members situations, but a lot of the ESL certification places require their students to teach a certain number of hours before being certified. There are a few of those in NYC. So she's able to go take free English classes. On the one hand, it's free, so I can't complain. On the other, it's free, so if 1% of her doesn't feel like going- she won't.

Anyway, cooking is the key for my wife. She found this hobby and she loves it. We exercise together a lot too, and go to the pool nearly every night after I get back from my day of work.

The other thing I have found recently is Hulu Plus. They have a TON of Korean dramas that are updated the day after they come out in Korea. I signed up for that in a heart beat for her, and she streams it VIA the Blu ray player. So I'll come home sometimes and she'll be on the couch sobbing, and I'm thinking something terrible happened or she misses her family... then I notice the tv is on and tune into the sound system and recognize the title music from the drama... and she'll say something like.... "she broke up with Soo Hyun".

Everyone is different, but like everyone has said... find hobbies to do TOGETHER. Not things only she likes.

CN-

Find things to do together-

Buy a couples cookbook.

Teach her how to cook, can, bake

Tango

Massage class (highly rec.)

Skype sessions are okay, but I find that if you schedule them then the spouse thinks about that a lot - leads to missing her family which could have been absent. Try to just let that happen naturally (I noticed a big change when we did that).

You will probably be working Mon - Fri. When Saturday mornings come around - cook her breakfast.

Your spouse will take care of you all week. You need to take care of her on the weekends.

[CaroSL 68]

You will probably be working Mon - Fri. When Saturday mornings come around - cook her breakfast.

Your spouse will take care of you all week. You need to take care of her on the weekends.

This is so thoughtful and so cute!

[dwinge 34]

Foreign fiancee here.. what did help was that I had previous experience living in the US (about 4 months or so), and I found that I did not get much homesick at any point then =p

We are also planning to fly back to my home country every so often, say every 1-2 years, just so we can visit family and friends, and try the local food again, as well as take short trips to neighbouring countries while we're at it.

my fiance (USC) is very supportive, and he liked the food he tried here so much that he's gone and learned how to cook a couple dishes (I can't cook yet and he's already making dishes from my home country lol) Plus, we found an asian market near his place that stocks local ingredients (like belachan.. some shrimp paste thing commonly used in southeast Asia.. my friends were surprised when I told them about it =p)

Also planning on using Facebook chat a lot.. There are some local friends I have that I talk to all the time on FB, more often than we meet, so it won't be very much different if i get to talk to them in real-time when I get to the States. The fiance and I are also going to get our own place when I get there.. We have begun to look at furniture online together! =)

-A

[kitthekat 1,317]

Foreign fiancee here.. what did help was that I had previous experience living in the US (about 4 months or so), and I found that I did not get much homesick at any point then =p

We are also planning to fly back to my home country every so often, say every 1-2 years, just so we can visit family and friends, and try the local food again, as well as take short trips to neighbouring countries while we're at it.

my fiance (USC) is very supportive, and he liked the food he tried here so much that he's gone and learned how to cook a couple dishes (I can't cook yet and he's already making dishes from my home country lol) Plus, we found an asian market near his place that stocks local ingredients (like belachan.. some shrimp paste thing commonly used in southeast Asia.. my friends were surprised when I told them about it =p)

Also planning on using Facebook chat a lot.. There are some local friends I have that I talk to all the time on FB, more often than we meet, so it won't be very much different if i get to talk to them in real-time when I get to the States. The fiance and I are also going to get our own place when I get there.. We have begun to look at furniture online together! =)

-A

Dwinge, I think I will be terribly homesick and miss Singapore lots. Definitely going to work towards visiting Singapore every year. I spent 6 months away (not in US) a few years back and it helped to be able to Skype with family and see my nephews make cheesy faces at me. It was nice receiving 'care packages' from friends too.

One thing I won't miss is Singapore TV. Can't even remember the last time I willingly switched to a Singapore channel.

Belachan, on the other hand, is awesome, I can't wait to stink up our home making sambal belachan haha.

[dwinge 34]

Dwinge, I think I will be terribly homesick and miss Singapore lots. Definitely going to work towards visiting Singapore every year. I spent 6 months away (not in US) a few years back and it helped to be able to Skype with family and see my nephews make cheesy faces at me. It was nice receiving 'care packages' from friends too.

One thing I won't miss is Singapore TV. Can't even remember the last time I willingly switched to a Singapore channel.

Belachan, on the other hand, is awesome, I can't wait to stink up our home making sambal belachan haha.

My friends told me to bring along the Prima mix 'cause it lets you prepare some pretty good local food.. you can also bring along vacuum packs of barbecued pork (bak kwa), those were very popular with my fiance's family =p

visiting Singapore, you can take SIA, it's so much cheaper when your departure city is not from Singapore! (roughly 1.1k USD per person if you book in advance in the right time of the year) I find that Yahoo IM is faster than Skype in terms of not hanging the rest of the computer system while you use it =p You could do care packages from the States too.. stuff like Reeses are so much cheaper!

Singapore TV? What is that?

Good to hear that you're going to be making your own belachan! =p

[sandgoose 8]

This is so thoughtful and so cute!

Thanks so much

[LmmL 46]

Geez!

I watched too much thriller (i'm a fan of it) and kept asking my fiancé if the road or people are really scary like on the movies and he kept laughing and said that it's only a movie. LOL

[CaroSL 68]

Geez!

I watched too much thriller (i'm a fan of it) and kept asking my fiancé if the road or people are really scary like on the movies and he kept laughing and said that it's only a movie. LOL

Thats funny. My in laws have a farm quite in the middle of nowhere... every time I sleep there, I go around the whole house and make sure every window and door is locked... Even after that I don't feel secure coz I feel it is so easy to break in...