Marriage Advice for US Citizens and their Immigrant Spouses

[Bugs 455]

There certainly isn't a shortage of books, counseling, and the likes, for newly weds to better prepare them for a lasting marriage.

However, bringing in a foreign wife/husband has its own set of potential issues and needs that manifest over the course of the marriage in addition to things that are universal.

So I thought a running thread should be made where others who have the experience or have learned from others' experiences to offer advice for such couples, both long term and short term.

Recent threads on here involving divorces during the 2-year conditional Green Card prompted this thread.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Leon & Mylen

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Homesickness is the biggest thing. USC's tend to forget just how much their immigrant spouse has given up and don't fully understand why they don't "appreciate living in the US".

Lack of knowledge is another thing. Not knowing the basic things (getting a driver's license, knowing what food is good, how to file taxes) the things USC's take for granted.

Forgetting that people who look and sound foreign do sometimes face discrimination and abuse and preparing their spouse and helping them know how to deal with rude people.

Freedom. Getting a job and feeling secure in life here and being able to support themselves. Friendship networks.

Honestly it's mostly about understanding each other and listening. As it is with any relationship.

[Bugs 455]

Thanks for your reply Vanessa, I was wondering if anyone was going to lol.

And I'm glad you brought up the homesickness. To be honest and open, here, it has worried the hell out of me - the fact that she may be very homesick upon coming here no matter what I do to alleviate that. I know I would, no matter how wonderful my spouse was or the situation was. It is just something that we will need to expect to happen and be aware of it. I hope to be very understanding and comforting as I can be, and hopefully that she will eventually get through it.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Financial planning. Different people have different attitudes towards handling money matters, depending on culture/upbringing.

USA is not land of milk and honey, as portray in Hollywood movies

Make sure both husband and wife are on the same page.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks for your reply Vanessa, I was wondering if anyone was going to lol.

And I'm glad you brought up the homesickness. To be honest and open, here, it has worried the hell out of me - the fact that she may be very homesick upon coming here no matter what I do to alleviate that. I know I would, no matter how wonderful my spouse was or the situation was. It is just something that we will need to expect to happen and be aware of it. I hope to be very understanding and comforting as I can be, and hopefully that she will eventually get through it.

A lot of the suggestions I read are:

1. find a place or website where you can order the food she likes. Buy a rice cooker (a big one) if you don't have it already or take her shopping to pick one when she gets here Take her shopping for other kitchen supplies too so she has the things she needs.

2. Add her to your bank account asap (or get her her own) and get her a card. This gives her more freedom. Put money in the account that she can spend on things she wants (like hair, clothes, nails etc). Asking for money sucks. Needing to use your spouses money sucks too, but it feels less... depressing

3. Find somewhere she can buy clothes in her size (again online or store). I hear this is a common problem because Filipinas tend to be small boned and small of stature

4. If she's religious find a church she can attend, and if it's one with other Filipina's that's even better

5. See if there are any meetup groups in your area specific to Filipinas

6. Apparently there are TV channels specific to the PHilippines

7. If you don't have Vonage, consider getting it, i believe apart from the monthly fee calls are free

8. Get her a computer or let her have access to one with Skype. Seeing and talking to family will help A LOT

Also, if you haven't heard about tampo... look into it

[Bugs 455]

A lot of the suggestions I read are:

1. find a place or website where you can order the food she likes. Buy a rice cooker (a big one) if you don't have it already or take her shopping to pick one when she gets here Take her shopping for other kitchen supplies too so she has the things she needs.

2. Add her to your bank account asap (or get her her own) and get her a card. This gives her more freedom. Put money in the account that she can spend on things she wants (like hair, clothes, nails etc). Asking for money sucks. Needing to use your spouses money sucks too, but it feels less... depressing

3. Find somewhere she can buy clothes in her size (again online or store). I hear this is a common problem because Filipinas tend to be small boned and small of stature

4. If she's religious find a church she can attend, and if it's one with other Filipina's that's even better

5. See if there are any meetup groups in your area specific to Filipinas

6. Apparently there are TV channels specific to the PHilippines

7. If you don't have Vonage, consider getting it, i believe apart from the monthly fee calls are free

8. Get her a computer or let her have access to one with Skype. Seeing and talking to family will help A LOT

Also, if you haven't heard about tampo... look into it

Hahaha yeah, I know about tampo, as she has displayed it a couple of times while I've known her.

And thanks for the suggestions. Of course not all of them will apply as everyone is different, but they are all things to to look for in looking out for her needs and wants when adjusting.

[roxcrew 0]

I'm in the boat where I'm waiting for my Fiance to get here (we hope in a couple months!!), but from what I have read on posts, it seems many marriages are ending due to misunderstandings, I think it's important to bear in mind that someone is giving up a lot to come here (the US) and that will make even the most optimistic individual afraid, at least a lil bit, and some cultures aren't as confrontational as US culture, so what we...as USC...see as "airing our feelings, etc" the other person might actually find...well frightening. My Fiance is from the Phillipines and she likes to tell me "horror" stories about men mistreating pinay girls here in the US, I think many USC always have the nagging fear that they are being married for a "ticket" and many foreign fiance's worry that they may be exploited...and this can lead to some nasty and unpleasant interpretations of things that under other circumstances, would not occur....

I think other then the advice giving above (which applies to more physical needs) my thoughts are to apply the philosophy of always remembering three things: "Love her, Assume the best, and THINK before I speak" maybe I'm being Naive a bit, but honestly trust given is trust earned in my mind, and if one is hung up on fears and stereotypes, it will color our vision and thus we will never "make it work".....

[Bugs 455]

I'm in the boat where I'm waiting for my Fiance to get here (we hope in a couple months!!), but from what I have read on posts, it seems many marriages are ending due to misunderstandings, I think it's important to bear in mind that someone is giving up a lot to come here (the US) and that will make even the most optimistic individual afraid, at least a lil bit, and some cultures aren't as confrontational as US culture, so what we...as USC...see as "airing our feelings, etc" the other person might actually find...well frightening. My Fiance is from the Phillipines and she likes to tell me "horror" stories about men mistreating pinay girls here in the US, I think many USC always have the nagging fear that they are being married for a "ticket" and many foreign fiance's worry that they may be exploited...and this can lead to some nasty and unpleasant interpretations of things that under other circumstances, would not occur....

I think other then the advice giving above (which applies to more physical needs) my thoughts are to apply the philosophy of always remembering three things: "Love her, Assume the best, and THINK before I speak" maybe I'm being Naive a bit, but honestly trust given is trust earned in my mind, and if one is hung up on fears and stereotypes, it will color our vision and thus we will never "make it work".....

Yes, I am very aware and grateful of the sacrifice my fiance will be making in giving up her life there and moving here. That's part of what worries me about homesickness, as it is quite a lot to give up.

I'm also interested in knowing the specifics of these horror stories of the way pinay girls are treated here by guys. Maybe it is region specific, but I'd still love to know regardless, if you don't mind sharing.

[Jawaree 718]

Fix it up, talk it up. play it up, say what U will

culture shock, habits and bad communication will

bring on home sickness sooner than later, but if

there's love , new-comer feels they also is a real

part-owner,and is included a lot in the newness many

bumps can be over-come, however not all are cut out

to be married to another of a different culture, so it

get strained after awhile, while some just wants to get

a maid or passive female/male to micro-manage at times,

as do many coming is looking a way out (GC)amazing how

many fall in love real quickly

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Yes, I am very aware and grateful of the sacrifice my fiance will be making in giving up her life there and moving here. That's part of what worries me about homesickness, as it is quite a lot to give up.

I'm also interested in knowing the specifics of these horror stories of the way pinay girls are treated here by guys. Maybe it is region specific, but I'd still love to know regardless, if you don't mind sharing.

Some of it is perceived cruelty (for example how filipina's overreact tampo on you), but some of it is real negative stuff. I suggest you have a read of the "Effects" forum where most of it is contained.

Stuff like:

- the USC won't file for the GC, telling the immigrant it isn't a requirement and when they break up (which is inevitable when they're bad guys like that) the immigrant has no path to GC

- not giving them any money to do anything themselves and instead forcing them to ask even for "personal" items

- emotional abuse (belittling etc)

- physical abuse

Stuff you'd find in a same-nationality relationship but often feels worse because you're a fish out of water with the feeling you have nowhere to turn, and that isolation is being used again you because at least if you're with your abuser you have a roof over your head.

There are issues the immigrant causes for the USC as well of course, all manifestations of fraud.

Have you guys spoken about sending money back to her family? How much/how often? Balikabayan (sp?) boxes? It's important you set limits with her family from the get go. There's a LOT of horror stories about family creating emergencies and the USC ending up in a cycle of helping lest they upset their spouse (the good girls don't react like that though).

[Darnell 8,478]

transportation is a huge issue, so plan ahead.

yup - plane ticket to POE to getting around outside of the door of the house.

[Bugs 455]

Some of it is perceived cruelty (for example how filipina's overreact tampo on you), but some of it is real negative stuff. I suggest you have a read of the "Effects" forum where most of it is contained.

Stuff like:

- the USC won't file for the GC, telling the immigrant it isn't a requirement and when they break up (which is inevitable when they're bad guys like that) the immigrant has no path to GC

- not giving them any money to do anything themselves and instead forcing them to ask even for "personal" items

- emotional abuse (belittling etc)

- physical abuse

Stuff you'd find in a same-nationality relationship but often feels worse because you're a fish out of water with the feeling you have nowhere to turn, and that isolation is being used again you because at least if you're with your abuser you have a roof over your head.

There are issues the immigrant causes for the USC as well of course, all manifestations of fraud.

Have you guys spoken about sending money back to her family? How much/how often? Balikabayan (sp?) boxes? It's important you set limits with her family from the get go. There's a LOT of horror stories about family creating emergencies and the USC ending up in a cycle of helping lest they upset their spouse (the good girls don't react like that though).

Oh okay, I misunderstood, as I thought he was referring to treatment of her by strangers. Yes, I've read some of these horror stories of treatment by USC spouses. That kind of behavior is foreign to me however.

I definitely don't want her feeling trapped here and not having the freedom to go out, get stuff on her own, be her own person. I hope to make her feel that I am allowing her freedom and individuality, yet of course, helping her and supporting her when she needs it.

And, yes, we have discussed finances (as any couple should before getting married) and agreed on limits to her family back home. She does know that the misconception that we US citizens have endless resources is a myth and thankfully she does not buy into that. She even set the expectations with her parents already on that.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Leon & Mylen

[Bugs 455]

transportation is a huge issue, so plan ahead.

yup - plane ticket to POE to getting around outside of the door of the house.

She actually doesn't want to go out of the house except with me. Told me so lol. But she may just be scared of America and what she hears on the news. Either way, I plan on getting her her own key and bus pass, showing her the area and how to get around, and eventually teaching her how to drive. It will be months before she will be able to work, and I'd imagine it would get kind of lonely sitting at home alone every day while I do.

[Darnell 8,478]

bus pass is cool. touch-tasers are not optional - and are 30 bucks now - suggest you buy 3.

soonish.

[Bugs 455]

bus pass is cool. touch-tasers are not optional - and are 30 bucks now - suggest you buy 3.

soonish.

Haha, sounds good, although if she finds that she will need those here, it would all but strengthen her fear of going out lol.