Moved out but now what?

[dwheels76 5,469]

But I like your photo dwheels...

my pic won't copy in the signature now. It says saved and it erases it. ughhhh

[SingleDad2usc 71]

your Avatar is a hundred times prettier than that signature was. and a Queen Software Test Engineer, too! Will u marry me?

Edited June 9, 2013 by SingleDad2usc

[dwheels76 5,469]

your Avatar is a hundred times prettier than that signature was. and a Queen Software Test Engineer, too! Will u marry me?

LOL thanks SingleDad2usc.

[hikergirl 277]

good to know about shutting them (although wouldn't that shut timelines?). As to wheels, she could still put it inside her Avatar: large facial images come out great

I went into “My settings”, then “Ignore” Preferences. There is a check box to “Ignore all signatures when reading topics and personal messages”. It doesn’t look like it should affect anything else.

I haven’t tested it though...

[LoveNigarmostyle 164]

I guess I was the other offender. I better delete before the photo gallery police come. Good God. I thought it refreshing to see actually pics of those we talk with. But SingleDad2usc your complaint is my command. Peace out. SMDH.

D. You crack me up!

It is interesting how this whole post got taken out of proportion with pictures. People stay on track and address the topic please. What difference does it make if someone has or has not a picture? The member who started this topic did not mention anything about pictures....

[SingleDad2usc 71]

"Member who started" didn't need immigration advice either, LOL. If this is relationship topic, then what's wrong with me proposing

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

So sorry for your pain and heartbreak. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. I know how you feel. Except in my case he never made it here because I cut it off
after I investigated him throughly because something felt off. I have been on these boards since 2005 when my first visa journey started and ended (under a different user name) and I have seen, heard and read a lot of stories like yours over the years. Yes, I took a big break from VJ after my first journey came to an abrupt halt but here I am again for a second try at real love. A bit wiser may I add.

None of us are promised the certainty of a successful outcome in a relationship, not even those who yell the loudest about " people don't want to see reality."
I have not seen the obnoxious posts and don't know who got thread banned but even they are not guaranteed an everlasting relationship.

Now it is true that some are oblivious to neon -sign- flashing- red- flags, but they are where they are in life's experience and it may not be the area where someone else has
attained growth and wisdom. They loved their fiances and spouses and though they made unwise choices ...don't we all at one time or another have made them in regards to relationships ? Unless you are 16 years old I believe most of us have been around the block a few times coming out scratching our heads and contemplating "what just happened." The finger pointers judging to the OP ....they have been there too. This is not their FIRST rodeo either. So what is all the fuss they make ?

You had a short online dating time due to him coming here after only 6 months. He was able to keep his game going and if it would have taken longer you

would have eventually seen more inconsistencies, not many have the energy to keep the game going for more than a couple of years and their efforts they initially

put into the relationship will fade away and die.

I appreciate your post and what I get from it is that if anyone has a nagging feeling that something does not feel right then they should get out of it.
Personally I prefer to investigate and find out for myself before reaching that conclusion.
I have firm boundaries to begin with. They are rough and tough but neccessary in an online relationship in my opinion. Still no guarantees......but a good guideline. My advice is never settle for less than what you want. You can't change people, if a guy is acting up now he will continue or do worse after he gets here.

No one here should drop their fiance/spouse due to just reading about relationships gone bad from others and I know that is not the intention of this topic.
We all are too uniquely entwined with our individual SO's to make comparisons to someone else's bad ending.
I see the comments about "no one will listen while in their bliss" blah blah....well do these same posters listen and drop their SO's ? Of course not.
What makes these posters so arrogant to say that anyway ? Do they feel exempt from a potential failure down the yellow brick road they are currently skipping on ? It may not have hit them yet and it may not ever hit them. Time will tell but that does not give them the right to point fingers and other countries are not exempt either.

What would be helpful is a list of inconsistencies that would cause someone to think twice about going forward.
Keep in mind that what may be a red flag for one is not neccessarily a red flag for another. People aren't made out of molds and have different personalities and preferences.
Though a pattern of "games" emerges, it is still not as simple to say he does this and that and therefore must be a scammer.
Generalizations and stereotypical judgements are silly. No one outside of your relationship knows your man/woman better than you (unless someone steps forward
and tells you otherwise as an eye witness.)

Be creative in testing, investigating and let him/her earn your trust little by little, which really goes for any relationship.

Here are a few red flags I can think of:

1. Calls in the middle of the night aren't answered. Ever.

2. Long periods of not checking in like couples do, a pattern of unexplained "where the hell is he" often emerges. Set your own mutual preference time.

3. Sudden deviation from the usual routine.

4. Constant asking for gifts and money.

5. Strange background noises during a phone or web cam conversation that make you wonder....

6. Refusal of PW sharing and social network and email accounts transparency (Negotiate personal preference. )
7. Too many FB friends of the opposite sex are added and make you go WTH who are those people ?
8. Refusal to web cam.
9.No genuine interest and heartfelt sharing about the little things in his/her daily routine. He/she couldn't care less about how your day went.

10. Having the feeling of not being treated as a priority but on the bottom of the barrel with the pond scum.

These are just a few and we all have different flag alerts so please add your own so someone may be able to look deeper into things now while their SO's are still over there
and before they take that final step.
It is early on that this must be done and the ground work and boundaries must be cemented firmly, through negotiation if you will, in full diclosure and transparency and
without lies.
Again....it does not mean that he/she is definitely a player/gamer/scammer if some points apply but it should perhaps cause you to look deeper and re evaluate your
needs in a relationship. Respect and value yourself and set limits. It is ok to have zero tolerance for certain things that go against your grain.
If it does not happen now....it won't happen later ! Now is the time to step out of yourself and take a realistic look at your relationship.
Are your boundaries often overstepped ? Reinforce them or leave is my advice.

When it is over the ending is a new beginning. Soon you will feel lighter and regain new perspective and strength. Time will heal and the longer you have cut everything off with him the easier it gets. Staying in contact and texting because he does not want to answer his phone is something I advise you to stop. What is there to talk about now ?
I actually thank God for unanswered prayer, truly I do. God knows best. Remember the best is yet to come, really it is. Love yourself and enjoy your freedom, it is exciting to think about all the interesting people who will come into your life now that you are single and ready to explore new relationships. It is going to be ok.

God bless

[Darnell 8,479]

"Member who started" didn't need immigration advice either, LOL. If this is relationship topic, then what's wrong with me proposing

You wish to propose to the OP? In all honesty, is best done privately, not in open forum.

[livindadream 156]

I guess I was the other offender. I better delete before the photo gallery police come. Good God. I thought it refreshing to see actually pics of those we talk with. But SingleDad2usc your complaint is my command. Peace out. SMDH.

[Nigerian Queen 16]

Ayo gal Im no chicken hun. Just voicing my opinion. We as American citizens look for real scammers when we are dating guys online. I don't t see that as scamming. That was easy access. Its a difference when A guy is showing you interest and proving his love for you and it turns out to be a lie other than a person showing you to your straight facr that he don't want you. Oh its a big difference. If a female being young and vulnerable now that would be an acception, but if you old and dumb its no excusr

[livindadream 156]

Ayo gal Im no chicken hun. Just voicing my opinion. We as American citizens look for real scammers when we are dating guys online. I don't t see that as scamming. That was easy access. Its a difference when A guy is showing you interest and proving his love for you and it turns out to be a lie other than a person showing you to your straight facr that he don't want you. Oh its a big difference. If a female being young and vulnerable now that would be an acception, but if you old and dumb its no excusr

I'm not sure why you are addressing me in this post, or what you're even saying...but you know when people are in love (especially after investing so much time and money) s*** can be right in your face and it still smells like roses. Like the Nigerian artist, Banky W sings, "" All alone now, and it's no one's fault but mine. Couldn't see the truth, I had those blinded eyes"" I just don't believe in judging anyone on what WE as outsiders call "mistakes" or "red flags" because what looks like an obvious red flag to us, may not to them. How many stories have been shared on here where the guy was wooing the girl and sweeping her off her feet, taking her breath away and all that...only to find out he scammed her and then everyone comes out of the woodworks saying, "didn't you see the signs". So I don't thing one or the other should be a tell tale sign. If you live your life paranoid about "the red flags" you'll never find happiness. Shoot, it's midnight here in Ghana and my husband is in the living room playing soccer on playstation...should this be a sign?? hahahaha. I just don't like online bullies, so if that is what you are addressing me about..my comment actually wasn't even towards you.

[SingleDad2usc 71]

ok. I'm officially out. Everyone is newly eligible again

You wish to propose to the OP? In all honesty, is best done privately, not in open forum.

[livindadream 156]

Ayo gal Im no chicken hun. Just voicing my opinion. We as American citizens look for real scammers when we are dating guys online. I don't t see that as scamming. That was easy access. Its a difference when A guy is showing you interest and proving his love for you and it turns out to be a lie other than a person showing you to your straight facr that he don't want you. Oh its a big difference. If a female being young and vulnerable now that would be an acception, but if you old and dumb its no excusr

PS:::

It has become certain people's objective to be brutally honest, despite most times such advice is not even necessary or helpful. They hide behind the mask of 'being brutally honest' when actually they enjoy the 'brutality', not the 'honesty'

Edited June 10, 2013 by AYOsGirl

[tuja 0]

i am sorry for what happen? but i have just one question? before you did your wedding,dont you have sex together?

[tuja 0]

Sorry for what happen to you,but i will like to ask,before you got married,dont you have sex? what was his reaction to you and how were you feeling then? where did you do the wedding?

Hello Everyone,

I have been a visa journey member for years but I have to create another user name in order to share my story maybe it will help someone out there who is either going through the same thing or is about to go through same.

I met my husband online at a christian website, we are from the same country but I am the USC while he is from Nigeria. We dated long distance for about a year plus 2007 - 2009, chatting on yahoo, phone chats everyday. He did everything to convince me of how much he loves me and how much he wants us to get married and have children together. He even told me how he will get me pregnant anytime I visit Nigeria, a few months after we started chatting online, he went to see my older brother to ask for my hand in marriage. My brother informed him that he can't grant such request because I still need to come home and see him and if I like what I see then we can proceed from there.

I eventually visited Nigeria early 2009 and we met, my mind was a little disturbed when at our first meeting, he just merely walked away when he saw me come out of the Arrival Lounge, but I shrugged it away to shyness and that he wanted to give me some privacy with my sister who came to welcome me at the airport. We eventually reconnected in the car while on the way to his place where I will be spending two weeks as previously arranged. While staying with him, I noticed he didn't want to go out with me, always telling me he is going to work after telling me on the phone before I arrived that he will be taking some time off from work to spend with me when I visited. To cut a long story short, I ended up getting a few pictures of both us and I came back to the States and started his K1 visa processing and to the glory of God, he joined me 6 months later. I funded all these from my little savings with the notion that when things start working out for him, he will remember and appreciate all I did for him. We got married exactly a week after he arrived, this was done because I didn't want him languishing at home for months while waiting for his EA or GC and I started the AOS immediately so he was able to get his EA and conditional GC three months after our wedding.

I also assisted with him getting a job [where he still is]. I made a few calls to my contacts and he was told to apply for the position but he was unable to answer the assessment questions correctly so I took a day off work and sat on the computer and filled out another application after which I called my contact in the company who called him for an interview, training and he started working. My nightmare started on my wedding night, we never made love before our wedding because we wanted to start on a right foundation, so I was looking forward to my wedding night and subsequent honeymoon nights but to my shock, he spent all week sleeping and nothing I did could arouse him. I shrugged it away that he might be tired since he is still trying to adjust to the weather [winter] but as months passed, it was the same story, it was either I am too tired, or sick, my back hurts [when he started working] and when he eventually came around to it, it was either once a month or once in two months until it became once in 2 years.

I got married in order to have children in a two parent household and not be a single parent [apologies to single parents] but I found out he knew when my safe periods were and that was when we will make love and that will be it for the next couple of months if I am lucky. As a good christian woman, I did everything to please him, once in a while my frustrations showed up in anger outbursts but never physical and I said a few things to him in anger. I am not going to play a victim here because I had my own issues with anger but I did try to reason with him, asked him if there was a medical problem, took him for massages, shopping, dinners, bought him clothes, cooked his favorite foods etc. Anything to get him to find me attractive but all to no avail. I even walked naked from the bathroom to the bedroom thinking that will get him aroused but he closes his eyes until I am fully dressed, wore victoria secret lingeries but nothing. I got my pastors involved and a couple of his friends but nothing changed. In the midst of all these, I assisted him in filing for his ten year GC which he received without an interview. I brought all the paperwork needed because he never put my name on any document related to him. We were merely living together as room mates at this point, I did this because I thought he will come around and things will change between us [i guess i was living on fantasy island].

Early this year, I found out he was sexting and chatting with other women online and on telephone calls and I accosted him with my findings, he decided to give me the silent treatment ever since. I also found out he started filing for Citizenship without my knowledge and due to the frustrations and anger I wrote a letter to the Immigration and Naturalization services and they denied his petition. By this time I had already moved out of the apartment for my peace of mind and to prevent myself from harming him due to frustration and a wounded heart.

Now I am out of the apartment, he also moved out to God knows where and the only way we have been corresponding via text messages because he refused to talk to me.

My Question: What should I do now? I am back to square one, no husband, no child and I feel so alone despite people around me. Someone please learn from my story, when you see red flags, don't think he will change, run, run run for your dear life because a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.