Moved out but now what?

[soon2bemrs 7]

My heart goes out to you! This is not the end but the start of you wonderful life. In this life we are living we meet different type of character and in your case, that character was not going to stop at nothing to get to the states for his own benefits. Although there were many signs that u saw, it is to late to put any blame on yourself. I pray that you find the strength to forgive him and move on and let karma catch up with him. I am glad u did not have any kids with him .Take good care of yourself and heal from all the pain you might be going through. I am a true believer of woman power. THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

[dwheels76 5,469]

Oh my precious Sis Debbie (I am a Debbie also). I feel your pain and I so totally understand. First you got his citizenship pulled thats about all you can stop. Do what Darne;l said and write that letter to USCIS so at least its on file.

Lets go through some things about you so you know you are precious and wonderfully made dear. (freelancing cuz I am going this myself).

1. You will go through your 5 cycles of grief and beat yourself up. DON'T beat yourself up, or blame yourself.

If you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you gave your marriage all that was in you and you gave out of a loving true heart. Baby the will of another person is not your fault. he had a choice he choose wrong not your fault.

Forget people who want to point their finger and blame you because you didn't see the "Red Flags". Isn't it funny how outsiders always say "girl I saw the red flags, I saw it coming".

I have had so called friends say "your husband I knew he was a user or i knew something was up with him". But you remained silent WOW. (sorry i digress).

2. You dared to love another and give them unconditional love. Even when your gut was turning you trusted in that person and gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Isn't that called agape love and what Christ ask of us as humans one to another.

Where did that suddenly become a crime. Gosh are we to measure our lives by everyone's elses failures. We are human we make mistakes and judgement calls.

I dare say anyone reading this thread is mistake free in life and love. So please don't let strangers, family or friends make you feel bad or less than because you dared to believe, trust and love.

3. You do whatever it is you need to do to move forward and heal.

The people who say "get over it" "move on" "forget him". Well if it was that easy. Well it would be easy. I suggest counseling (I know I will be seeking it),

Unless you have a great network of family and friends who aren't the "I told you so's", limit who you confide in cuz many times others insecurities become yours and instead of healing now you are saddled with others mess and you feel even worst.

4. Forgive him this will be very key to your healing trust me on this.

Doesn't mean what he did doesn't matter or you can forget. It means as a woman of God I forgive you because I refuse to let this pain consume me.

5.. He was your husband and its okay to say you love him.

Why do people think you married satan. This is someone you not only petitioned and went through all this but you married had started a life with him. Why does it seem odd to say "I love _________". I forgive him I love him but I am moving on. Hey you may get to the point you wish him God's blessings and the best.

People always want to talk about karma and all that when we should be asking God to come into their lives and touch them and turn their life around so they never hurt another person. But thats a whole nother level there (Just saying)

I am sure your inbox is filling up and you have some really great people here that have similar stories (I thought I was the only one on earth for my situation). It's wonderful to see how some people have been so misused and abused and played and yet God had a better blessing for them. It was a divine setup.

You will get your swag back (i stayed in bed a week and cried until my daughter literally peeled me out of bed and made me shower. LOL) and you will love, laugh and smile again. I know i look forward to that someday. But in the meantime. Do whatever you need to do to heal.

Thank you for blessing us and being brave to share your story. Who knows who you saved from horror. God bless you Debbie and all the best to you.

[SingleDad2usc 71]

Sorry this happened to you... You're saying you opened this topic not as much to get advice (really, what immigration advice at this junction?) as to warn others...To this end, it will be interesting to hear from others - so no one should be shy to "hijack" with their own story. I always strive to learn - so who knows, members, teach me something! Help OP who wanted to spread her word

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Sorry this happened to you...and sorry that some people on here throw their two cents in without an ounce of compassion...I hate online gangsters, especially the ones that wont dare to show their picture! I don't blame them though because VJ allows them to bully people that are already feeling down and they reward them with 'platinum status' which they accept proudly as if it's getting them a free room upgrade somewhere. ANYHOW...I went thru something so similar as you, in fact as I was reading it...I had to ask myself if you were somehow married to my ex. lol. I know you are feeling like you wasted so much time and money..I know you are emotionally spent, angry, hurt and confused. I felt all those things when my ex did it to me. I was embarrassed and ashamed! As for you staying and continuing on with the relationship even though you knew something was wrong from the start, don't beat yourself up over that. People do it everyday...for the kids, for finances, etc. My ex came here on a fiancé visa and before he even got here, I felt something was not right but I still went ahead with everything because I felt like if I didn't I'd be letting him and his whole family down. So I convinced myself that everything was fine instead of listening to my gut instinct. You feel like you invest so much to give in, so you just keep going praying for something to turn around. Well, it didn't...in both our cases. But I can tell you, it's not worth dealing with him anymore. Whatever is going to happen with his immigration situation is going to happen with or without you. My ex got to stay cuz he had the nerve to say I put him out and filed that VAWA or whatever it's called. I was so mad at first and all I wanted to do was fight fight fight for my name not to be dragged thru the mud. But at the end of the day, I realized he wasn't worth it. My best advice to you is just let it all go. You moved out of the house and that is a good start. You reported to the right people already that you are no longer with him and that is all you can do. The system does not work in our favor at times and I had to learn to accept that. The best thing I did for myself was to move on and close that chapter in my life. You say you are single with no child...but it's actually better you didn't have a child with him right? You will find someone one day that is worth all the things you do for him....who will appreciate all the things you do for him. Anything that a man sows, he reaps. He'll get his one day! Its been 5 years since my ex formed up his argument and walked out the door. To this day he is single, still trolling dating sites online and working in a factory just to have everyone back home stretching their hand out to be fed. I, on the other hand, am prosperous, happy and married! Every dog has his day, and he will surely have his!

Not necessarily a bad thing per see.

You are really an encourager and I do appreciate you. I know God is a rewarder and in due time he will get what comes to him. I have moved on and right now I am just here to warn others to beware. Thank you so much, you are appreciated.

They won't listen.

The worst people to advice are those in the throes of passion.

Good luck in the future.

Oh my precious Sis Debbie (I am a Debbie also). I feel your pain and I so totally understand. First you got his citizenship pulled thats about all you can stop. Do what Darne;l said and write that letter to USCIS so at least its on file.

Lets go through some things about you so you know you are precious and wonderfully made dear. (freelancing cuz I am going this myself).

1. You will go through your 5 cycles of grief and beat yourself up. DON'T beat yourself up, or blame yourself.

If you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you gave your marriage all that was in you and you gave out of a loving true heart. Baby the will of another person is not your fault. he had a choice he choose wrong not your fault.

Forget people who want to point their finger and blame you because you didn't see the "Red Flags". Isn't it funny how outsiders always say "girl I saw the red flags, I saw it coming".

I have had so called friends say "your husband I knew he was a user or i knew something was up with him". But you remained silent WOW. (sorry i digress).

2. You dared to love another and give them unconditional love. Even when your gut was turning you trusted in that person and gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Isn't that called agape love and what Christ ask of us as humans one to another.

Where did that suddenly become a crime. Gosh are we to measure our lives by everyone's elses failures. We are human we make mistakes and judgement calls.

I dare say anyone reading this thread is mistake free in life and love. So please don't let strangers, family or friends make you feel bad or less than because you dared to believe, trust and love.

3. You do whatever it is you need to do to move forward and heal.

The people who say "get over it" "move on" "forget him". Well if it was that easy. Well it would be easy. I suggest counseling (I know I will be seeking it),

Unless you have a great network of family and friends who aren't the "I told you so's", limit who you confide in cuz many times others insecurities become yours and instead of healing now you are saddled with others mess and you feel even worst.

4. Forgive him this will be very key to your healing trust me on this.

Doesn't mean what he did doesn't matter or you can forget. It means as a woman of God I forgive you because I refuse to let this pain consume me.

5.. He was your husband and its okay to say you love him.

Why do people think you married satan. This is someone you not only petitioned and went through all this but you married had started a life with him. Why does it seem odd to say "I love _________". I forgive him I love him but I am moving on. Hey you may get to the point you wish him God's blessings and the best.

People always want to talk about karma and all that when we should be asking God to come into their lives and touch them and turn their life around so they never hurt another person. But thats a whole nother level there (Just saying)

I am sure your inbox is filling up and you have some really great people here that have similar stories (I thought I was the only one on earth for my situation). It's wonderful to see how some people have been so misused and abused and played and yet God had a better blessing for them. It was a divine setup.

You will get your swag back (i stayed in bed a week and cried until my daughter literally peeled me out of bed and made me shower. LOL) and you will love, laugh and smile again. I know i look forward to that someday. But in the meantime. Do whatever you need to do to heal.

Thank you for blessing us and being brave to share your story. Who knows who you saved from horror. God bless you Debbie and all the best to you.

Of that I'm confused. Shouldn't the OP want him to get his citizenship so her I-864 will be nullified?

Edited June 8, 2013 by Gowon

[dwheels76 5,469]

Of that I'm confused. Shouldn't the OP want him to get his citizenship so her I-864 will be nullified?

Well if your only concern is the Affidavit of support i guess having them be a citizen is your goal. But he gets so much privilege with citizenship and I know I would rather him not have that ever. No petitioning others and all that jazz. St least it would take a heck of alot longer as a LPR.

[ogims 7]

Am so sorry u went through this odeal Debbie, I pray my lord will give u the hrt to forge ahead. I feel Ųя pains but always remember Ψђåʈ goes around comes around,he will surely pay for it sooner or later. As for Ųя advise u ♓ανε done Ųя best, he ΨђÔ has ear let him hear,I also gave advise to a follow VJ member here sometime ago but she went at the bbck and instigated false allegation against Мe, now she's reaping Ψђåʈ she sow. my dear take hrt and try to move on. Inform the immigration authorities for further deciplinary action against him.

[souleymon 27]

Now we know its not about cultural difference that could fail a Marriage.

[Debbiela2013 23]

Everyone,

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I am seeing a therapist next week, have updated my address with USCIS, not filing for a divorce yet, picking up the pieces one day at a time. I shared my story because I read about someone here whose fiance is foot dragging on signing the necessary papers needed for her to start their process and she is not seeing the red flags right between her eyes. I am hoping she reads my story and remove the blinders and move on with her life.

I do appreciate everyone who is truly in love and enjoying their marriage and as souleyman said it's not just a cultural difference that breaks a marriage, other things are involved. Thanks to the moderator who removed the obnoxious person who was obviously is intoxicated or just plain inhuman. I wrote to the USCIS to state my case and let me know he is not deserving of a 3 year citizenship, I didn't ask for him to be deported or reported the marriage as a fraud and for once they agreed with me and denied his citizenship petition. If that was revenge, it was not my intention.

I know God has a plan and in due time, He will reveal it, everything happens in life for a reason and while we might not understand why it's happening to us, in due time all will be reveal and purpose will be known. I have already forgiven him and I am moving on but need to alert others to things we otherwise ignore in the name of love. As someone said earlier "The worst people to advice are those in the throes of passion".

For everyone who is praying for me, thank you so much. I truly need that right now. Never thought this will happen to me in a million years but like I said, God has a purpose. Once again, thanks everyone and if you have a story to share to bless everyone please do share, you could be saving a soul.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

You shouldn't value yourself on being married or not., having children or not. Some wonderful people never produce children, and some stay single forever.

Fraudsters will each have their own path to their desires. There have been fraudsters that sex their victims day and night and those that run away from a simple kiss. People from extreme poverty have learned survival skills to get ahead and one of the common skills is play acting. I am well known on this sites for my rants about being wary of fraudsters. It doesn't seem to have much affect on those in the process because they are deep in the scam and don't see it in themselves.

In time your wounds will heal, and you will find a partner , I was single over 15 years before I found Joseph. Even an 18 yo isn't certain they will have a child, there are ways to mother without giving birth, children that need a stable human more than any child you could give birth to.

As to your spouse/ex to be That type make their own hell.

[CaroSL 68]

Dear Debbie,

I am sorry to hear your story. I think it is a very good and kind thing you do to share it in an attempt to warn others. You never know, maybe it will help someone, and I hope it does.

I am happy you found peace with him... Just be aware you could have ups and downs. It can strike back at unexpected moments... The wounds may be deeper than you think and may take longer that you think to heal. It happened to me not so long ago. I got very upset at my husband for something and he was so confused, he didn't understand why I was so upset. That is when I realized that all the fear I had to be rejected, to be used, not to be really loved, and all I suffered from my previous relationship was still there. And I was so upset my ex was still somehow messing up with my feelings, after 3 years.

My point is, whatever you feel, however long it takes you to heal, accept it. It is ok to need time.

You asked what you should do now.

1) follow darnel's advice

2) take time to heal. Of course you feel lonely. There is no quick fix for what you've been through. You need time to figure out what you are now, who you are after all this, and who you wanna be. Sweetie, this can make you stronger. From now on you shoud think "never again'. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't treat you like a best friend, like a treasure, for anyone who doesn't appreciate your effort. Don't settle for anyone who doesn't make you feel wanted, desired, loved, protected, supported, understood...

3) This brings my last advice: Don't look for it, don't look for "the one". Otherwise you will just convince yourself that the man your dating is the right person to be the father of your child. Don't do this. Date people, and walk quickly away from anything that doesn't flow perfectly. When you least expect it you're gonna find someone good, that you don't want to walk away from because he does treat you well. Everyday.

If possible, date people IRL rather than just online... It is much easier to see what a person is really like if you spend a lot of time with them, and not just chat.(of course I know there a lots of people on VJ who barely spent a few weeks with there spouse before getting married and it worked... but it would probably be reassuring for you not to have to judge someone only by online interaction...)

Also, I want to say congratulations for moving out. This is a very difficult step, and you should be pround of yourself that you took it!

Edited June 8, 2013 by CaroSL

[The Mean Lady 604]

You got married in, what, late 2009?

Isn't that too early for him to even attempt applying for citizenship?

Perhaps he was denied, not because you wrote a letter, but because he isn't eligible yet.

I'm confused as to if citizenship is 5 years or 3 years.

[Cathi 5,784]

The only option is to divorce and move on. I wish you the best.

You got married in, what, late 2009?

Isn't that too early for him to even attempt applying for citizenship?

Perhaps he was denied, not because you wrote a letter, but because he isn't eligible yet.

I'm confused as to if citizenship is 5 years or 3 years.

you can apply for citizenship 3 year, less 90 days, after marriage to a US citizen

[The Mean Lady 604]

The only option is to divorce and move on. I wish you the best.

you can apply for citizenship 3 year, less 90 days, after marriage to a US citizen

Thanks, this has been driving me nuts as I keep seeing both.

I think I finally found something mentioning that it's OTHER PRs that have to wait 5 years, but married PRs only wait 3.

[livindadream 156]

Not necessarily a bad thing per see.

I'm not surprised by that remark, and it's sad that's all you took and acknowledged from my reply to the poster.

[livindadream 156]

Well if your only concern is the Affidavit of support i guess having them be a citizen is your goal. But he gets so much privilege with citizenship and I know I would rather him not have that ever. No petitioning others and all that jazz. St least it would take a heck of alot longer as a LPR.