second thoughts...

[Xanax 349]

I had major cold feet about getting married and living in the US full time / leaving my family etc. It is normal. The very best thing you can do is try to talk things out and if your partner really isn't ready yet, continue your relationship until he is or end it and save yourselves the extended heartache.

[Rushton50 10]

So my fiance tells me that he's having second thoughts about going through with the visa. We've been feeling the strain lately of the being apart, we thought the visa process would be over and he'd be here by now. The last several months have really taken a toll and we aren't nearly as close and intimate as we used to be. So now he's worried, what if he leaves everything there, his job, his home, a lot of his stuff, and comes here to marry me, and it doesn't work out. Suppose we end up not being compatible long term in person. Suppose this lack of intimacy continues and we never get back that "totally in love" feeling.

Not sure what to do here.

I guess i need specifics on how the process works if it doesnt work.

From a person who gave up everything to be with the one I love, I can understand what he must be feeling!

My wife and I spent endless hours on skype and had our ups and downs and when I finally arrived here I was out of work for a year just barely scraping by on the wifes paycheck every 2 weeks, I didnt bring much stuff with me because I sold most of it so we could get a house and start memories together in our own place.

We had our first big argument last year over trivial stuff but involved money, I went without to make sure I wasnt too much of a burden on her and I dont regret the move although I miss the UK at time, mainly friends and work mates.

He will be going through the what ifs! So should you to be honest, will your first argument totally devastate your relationship and put even more strain on it? Will he resent you even though it was discussed and agreed that he moves here? Is he likely to suffer depression if he can not find work straight away?

These are just a few basic things that could arise! No one wants their relationship to end and especially when you have endured probably the hardest part " Separation"

The visa process is hard enough. Alas there is no guarantee anyone's will last forever, it has to be worked at by both of you, if one is not interested, then it is destined to fail! Hard reality, but a true one and if he is not 100% committed to you and the process, then it is time to close the door on this chapter!

I dont mean to be all doom and gloom, but from the immigrants point of view , I wouldn't want my wife to wake up and realize it was all a bad idea and she is the same with me, we have both discussed the what ifs! perhaps you should with you other half?

[soon2bemrs 7]

I feel the pain .I have been going thru the same issues with my love but we will pull it thru and all will be well. The distance is not an easy thing to deal with.Good luck and hang in.

[Justine+David 218]

I second the advice of going over to visit him or fly him out to the USA as soon as you can.

You've spent a lot of money on this relationship already--doesn't it deserve the chance of seeing whether this is normal blues or the symptom of something larger?

When David came over and we got married at the court the next week, I had a momentary flip-flop, is this right for me? But like others have said, many people feel that way and feel nervous because yes, this IS a big step. Marriage (for us) meant forever. It's heady to be making that kind of decision and he's also dealing with the fact that he's leaving his country and way of life. Even though David is from the UK and speaks English, the adjustment is still felt for him even today...yesterday he told our landlord that we might be moving out in a few months and I said have you never heard of a poker face? lol, but he felt like he would always talk about it with his UK landlord and I said that's not what we do in America to corporate apartment headquarters. It's easier than when he arrived, but it's still hard sometimes for him because there are still things that he doesn't know or catch the nuances of a situation.

So, keep talking to him and i think you guys should be face to face. I see from your timeline that you got NOA2 in April. You're so close to being done! Does he have his interview and medical scheduled yet? The K1 visa is designed so that you intend to marry within 90 days of arrival. But he could enter the USA, decide he doesn't want to marry you, and leave without consequences (within the 90 days). It's not ideal, but it may be a solution for you.

[Mel and Rudy 2]

If you haven't even started the K-1 process and he's already feeling jittery, I honestly suggest you wait till he takes the initiative himself.

It takes an impossible amount of patience and perseverance to go through with the whole thing which consists of multiple stages each seemingly more daunting than the other and it is only possible if you guys are nothing less than absolutely committed and cannot imagine a life without each other.

There have been days when I've asked my wife if she'll move to India and the thought is still at the back of my head. I finally got my SSN and driver's permit and I have started looking for jobs.

For a year or two as an immigrant fresh off the boat, I know I may not get a job as good as one I would have gotten back home and so in the short term it takes a lot of sacrifice on the part of the party that is moving and that inevitably takes a toll on the relationship no matter how strong it is.

Oh and I highly recommend, you spend more time together before deciding to file. In my opinion, the 5 year relationship notwithstanding, a month and a half of live-in time is still a bit less.

Good luck.

[St&Sv 33]

There are days in this multi-year process where even the best of partners will get cold feet, worry, have second thoughts, and be scared. This is A SCARY THING for anyone, to pick up and leave their entire life behind, trusting blindly in the future and the love of a partner who is half a world away. It's terrifying and it requires intense patience and trust and sometimes just blind faith. I don't begrudge or think ill of anyone who starts to doubt -- I think it's entirely normal, sane, and human.

However, there are also many more days -- the majority, I am sure -- where we cannot imagine life without our partner, where we are willing to fight and struggle and undertake massive effort to be with our loved one. Where we consider all the good things, the joys and the future together, and all of the effort seems minuscule compared to the payoff.

Unlike some of the responders here, I don't think you need to call it off at all, nor even to worry overmuch. I do think you need to communicate better, and find ways of staying intimate, supportive, and laughing with each other about the absurdities of this horrendous process. I know that there have been times -- months even, before we actually filed and were trying to decide how it all was going to work -- where we both felt it was hopeless, that we'd never make it, that the obstacles were too great. You in particular have been hit with extra delays, and I hope you can find faith and humor in each other, to survive.

My best suggestion is: either visit if you can (the absolute best option, but depending on timing and money, not always possible), or find some new way of maintaining humor and intimacy. Start a new videogame together, make a playlist for each other, document your journey to be together, start any project together that you can share and enjoy again. Let him recapture the joy and love he feels when he's in your presence, and those cold feet will warm right up!

I'd also remind him (as I do with my fiance) that he will not be "trapped" here if things do not work out as you plan. If he leaves before you're married, he goes home, no problem. If you divorce after AOS but before ROC, also no problem: he can remove conditions on his own based on your bonafide intent when you married, or he can return home. His choice, he is free and there are no ill repercussions, apart from the money.

This is very good advice, and I have to say I love how well you wrote it too. Though to not get myself derailed and off topic here, communication is the most important aspect in a long distance relationship like ours. We do not have the luxury of having our loved one next to us to interpet body language and the emotions that accompany them. Where a tight hug can help wash away fears, we have to replace it with soothing words. Some of us, like me, could use some work in the soothing words department. But to stop myself from beating too much around the bush, I'd follow much of the advice given to you by Lynkali and see where the road leads. Making him feel like he won't be trapped is a good thing to do. I've talked to my Fiancee several times about how if things don't work out she will have options and I will not leave her in limbo. Though we always feel things will work out, you just never know until it's staring your right in the kisser.

Also I would advise that you research the whole process from K1 to Legal Permanent Resident (LPR) or Citizenship, keep records and notes too. Ask him what his goals would be when living here and if he wants to be a citizen. Is he worried about giving up his citizenship with his home country? Well look into seeing if his country allows Dual Citizenship. Get a game plan together for everything, involve him in it, and then just take it one day at a time. I talk everyday with my Fiancee about what is going on, what's coming up next, and what we will need. We talk about future plans together, where to live, what kind of place will we get, jobs, schools, places to visit and why. She goes onto craigslist and home listings websites and looks up houses and apartments in areas we may want to live and shares them with me. I let her know about what's going on with my family here, my job, the town, and about her family too. I go outside and take pictures of the weather, buildings, events, places in the area, and share them with her everyday. She is my family after all, and though I want to wrap my arms around her every minute I get, I find other ways to let her know how near and dear she is to me. You just have to find ways to close the gap, until the day comes when it really is gone. I wish you the best, and hope you're able to warm his feet.

[Cori and Rob 55]

I, the US citizen, was actually the one starting to get nervous before my husband moved here. I was worried if we would like living together, about how I would feel when I was actually married versus just talking about being married, if he would be okay when he got here or if he would resent me for having to move here for me versus me moving there. These feeling all happened later in the K-1 process. It never came from a place of losing feelings for him, it came from the worry spot in my brain, agonizing over the what-ifs. This process is long and hard and challenging for even the strongest of relationships. And honestly, all my worries and fears melted away when he and I talked about my thoughts, and even more so when he finally got here, I realize now that I was worried over nothing. I know my part didn't involve uprooting my life to move to another country, but my point is, asking the what ifs are completely normal, especially in a process that is filled with anticipation and anxiety like this one. Plus you're talking about marrying a person. That's a big deal, even for non-international relationships!

That said, I agree with other posters who said you need to address some of the closeness and intimacy issues. You might find that the distance has come from the stress of this process, or maybe it's something more. You probably should try to plan a visit to really figure it out before he takes the leap in moving here. But I wouldn't give up on this relationship yet. Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

[JOHNY1 3]

I think it's competely normal to think What-if cases. Uk is totaly different then US. I was getting the same feeling and yes we did have alot of fights. AOS will take around 1 year easily. This one year is really hard to bear as in my case i was missing my friends my social life etc. I will suggest you to see him in person, discuss this issue and see if he really wanna be with you. Lets say if things goes well then do marriage visa istead.

[Operator 1,927]

1. Jump a flight.

2. Jump him.

3. Talk.

5. Make a decision together.

[pro_star 52]

Communicate communicate communicate.

As has been said before, I think it's completely normal to have cold feet, or get nervous, or have doubts. This is a MASSIVE life change. I know with me, it's taken...oh lord I can't even remember now how long ago Jesse first suggested this - maybe almost two years...before I finally said okay, let's do this. Why did I drag my feet so much? well, I have a house/mortgage/picket fence, good job (that's not worth much down there I don't think....yay I'm a glorified cube monkey!!!!)...I'm a fiercely independent soul and having to be dependent on someone else terrified me. When I put my house up for sale, I had that moment of panic of "omg, am I doing the right thing???" And I'm only coming from Canada...I'll be a two day drive from where I live now...shorter distance than my last random move.

Have a good chit chat. Write down your feelings/thoughts ahead of time, if that helps. Big hugs, and best of luck. This journey is stressful on the strongest of people.

[Ismail+Cassie 36]

Honestly, i dont like these ppl that just say end it. In my opinion these are the people who havent had to live through anything like that yet, thats why, and not everyone does. But they just talk so easily like its so easy to just end it after being with someone for 5 years just cuz a bit of distance that will end when he come to u.

Turst me i know exactly how u feel now and ive seen many people deal with it. Me and my fiance..oo u should have seen us before i left back to here to start this process, the love, the respect, the cuteness. Now..holy cow, ud think we r enemies! But i know my fiance so well and i know how he deals with long distance, when i went back to visit, slowly but surely it all fell back into place again. Ive eeven had second thoughts but I know And Im strong about the fact that its only for now, gotta push through, its not gonna be the only time in ur marriage ull feel something bad like this. Gotta make it theough.

Its true, ull have 90 days when he gets here, play it by ear, relax a little!

And good luck!

[fantonledzepp 159]

Honestly, i dont like these ppl that just say end it. In my opinion these are the people who havent had to live through anything like that yet, thats why, and not everyone does.

Right, we haven't lived through a long instance relationship.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Honestly, i dont like these ppl that just say end it. In my opinion these are the people who havent had to live through anything like that yet, thats why, and not everyone does. But they just talk so easily like its so easy to just end it after being with someone for 5 years just cuz a bit of distance that will end when he come to u.

Turst me i know exactly how u feel now and ive seen many people deal with it. Me and my fiance..oo u should have seen us before i left back to here to start this process, the love, the respect, the cuteness. Now..holy cow, ud think we r enemies! But i know my fiance so well and i know how he deals with long distance, when i went back to visit, slowly but surely it all fell back into place again. Ive eeven had second thoughts but I know And Im strong about the fact that its only for now, gotta push through, its not gonna be the only time in ur marriage ull feel something bad like this. Gotta make it theough.

Its true, ull have 90 days when he gets here, play it by ear, relax a little!

And good luck!

You're joking right? Did you confuse the site that you're on with another?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, it's up to the OP to decide which one is valid for them.

[EasternDE 35]

Watch this movie:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1758692/

If I remember correctly, there is a scene that describes very well how we end up loosing intimacy.
But the good news is your situation is not bad as theirs.

We decided to wait and not make any travel during the wait, in order to save money. 8 months in total.
I can say now it was way too long...

It took a long time to salvage what was left and rebuild again.

It's long time ago now but if I could redo the thing over again, I would arrange a travel during the last long wait.
The problem is you're not going to be able to fix this in a couple of days. It takes a couple of weeks to "find yourselves again"..

What I can say if we also went through this and we got past it.

[Ismail+Cassie 36]

You're joking right? Did you confuse the site that you're on with another?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, it's up to the OP to decide which one is valid for them.

Theres really no need to be rude or offended. I have my opinion too and iM just stating it. I dont get it, were all adults here and this is why I usually dont post on these kind of posts. This is supposed to be my family here and support but yet I feel like when I post my opinion I get eaten out. I didnt say anything rude about the person who said they should end it. I simply said I dont like it. I didnt mean it in any other way. At all. It really hurts that some people can respond to other people going through the same thing in such a way.

And also since you mentioned it, IN A POLITE WAY, I just want to say IM not just talking about long distance. Im talking about peoples personalities too. Everyone is different and has different ways of mind. My fiance is hot headed people always tell me I shouldnt be with him, but I know thats him and I love him for that. I just wanted to point that out, cuz I think the OP should consider that. Just this. Didnt realze I was gonna get sarcasm and backlash for that post. And Im being serious though, Didnt mean to offend.