Advice Please!

[Kelvin 0]

Hi All

I haven't been around here for a while since all our immigration stuff went pretty well. This forum was really helpful then, so perhaps someone's got some advice to share on helping one's better half feel more at home in the US.

She lived here for several years before and all she wanted was to be here. We were on & off during that time. Then she went back to Japan for a while before we got finally got married. Now it seems she's just depressed all the time and I know she misses Japan and her family. She went for a visit a couple months ago and that helped, but soon she was depressed again.

I know she's gotta find her own way to some extent, but I still try to suggest things or try to get her out of the house or see if we can get together with some of her Japanese friends or mine. She doesn't seem to care or have any motivation to do anything but mope around.

To make matters much worse, my mom's health is rapidly deteriorating and I don't how much longer she's going to be around. So on the one hand, that's causing some serious divisions in my attention, and on the other hand, the whole situation is causing more anxiety in my wife because she's not near to her family. Though they are much younger & healthier than my mom.

Thanks for reading. Any & all thoughts... random or otherwise... would be appreciated.

Kelvin Zero

[alix 20]

Hi Kelvin,

Sorry to hear about your wife and your mom. It's a really tough situation on you to have to juggle...I can only imagine!

I'm a bit out of control these days with my opinions, but you asked for it so here it goes! I think you and your wife need to have a very serious conversation about what's going on. Of course it's comprehensible that one will miss their own family and friends in their home country, but being depressed because of it is not a good sign.

I find the Japanese are very peculiar in general (no offense to any japanese, this is just my personal opinion which I got from personal experience!). My husband and I went to live in Japan as soon as we got married and I really didn't like it too much. I felt very lonely (cuz I was at home while he worked) in the beginning. But once I met other international women and made new friends, it became a lot more fun! It didn't happen overnight....it actually took a few months. But a simple walk to the nearest Starbucks is more fun because you are with a friend. I met a handful of japanese women and they were only friendly to me if they were the wives/girlfriends of japanese men my husband knew (I actually became good friends with one and she's one of the nicest women I know!). They are very accomodated to their own way of life and make pretty much no effort to be flexible and adapt to new cultures/situations. Anyways, that's my perception.

So, I think she has to find her space in the US and look for what she likes to do. Staying at home doing nothing doesn't help, she'll only feel worse. Getting together with other japanese should help (I'm brazilian, and whenever you put two together, there's a party!!) and also making local friends. Go to yoga class, find a cooking class, dancing lessons, learning a new language....so many things can be done with your free time. And how about finding a job? Work can be fun too!!

I hope that you can resolve things the best way possible. Because right now your wife should put her problems aside and act as your partner, being by your side and supporting you during this difficult period with your mom. And I really hope she realizes this.

Good luck!

[MrMrsKnight 0]

Hi Kelvin,

Sorry to hear about your wife and your mom. It's a really tough situation on you to have to juggle...I can only imagine!

I'm a bit out of control these days with my opinions, but you asked for it so here it goes! I think you and your wife need to have a very serious conversation about what's going on. Of course it's comprehensible that one will miss their own family and friends in their home country, but being depressed because of it is not a good sign.

I find the Japanese are very peculiar in general (no offense to any japanese, this is just my personal opinion which I got from personal experience!). My husband and I went to live in Japan as soon as we got married and I really didn't like it too much. I felt very lonely (cuz I was at home while he worked) in the beginning. But once I met other international women and made new friends, it became a lot more fun! It didn't happen overnight....it actually took a few months. But a simple walk to the nearest Starbucks is more fun because you are with a friend. I met a handful of japanese women and they were only friendly to me if they were the wives/girlfriends of japanese men my husband knew (I actually became good friends with one and she's one of the nicest women I know!). They are very accomodated to their own way of life and make pretty much no effort to be flexible and adapt to new cultures/situations. Anyways, that's my perception.

So, I think she has to find her space in the US and look for what she likes to do. Staying at home doing nothing doesn't help, she'll only feel worse. Getting together with other japanese should help (I'm brazilian, and whenever you put two together, there's a party!!) and also making local friends. Go to yoga class, find a cooking class, dancing lessons, learning a new language....so many things can be done with your free time. And how about finding a job? Work can be fun too!!

I hope that you can resolve things the best way possible. Because right now your wife should put her problems aside and act as your partner, being by your side and supporting you during this difficult period with your mom. And I really hope she realizes this.

Good luck!

I totally agree.... sit and talk about everything. I know that's hard to do sometimes and we're scared of hearing something that might hurt our feelings. But in my opinion, there's no way you can work it out just by trying to please her. I can only imagine how hard it's been for her ( I'll probably have my sad days as well once I'm there)... and she's very lucky to have you around. But you're going through a hard time due to your mom's health and I'm sure you could use an understanding wife right now.

I really do believe that you have a great chance to go from care giver to partner just by talking to her.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

[edsperfect 25]

Hi Kelvin,

Sorry to hear about your wife and your mom. It's a really tough situation on you to have to juggle...I can only imagine!

I'm a bit out of control these days with my opinions, but you asked for it so here it goes! I think you and your wife need to have a very serious conversation about what's going on. Of course it's comprehensible that one will miss their own family and friends in their home country, but being depressed because of it is not a good sign.

I find the Japanese are very peculiar in general (no offense to any japanese, this is just my personal opinion which I got from personal experience!). My husband and I went to live in Japan as soon as we got married and I really didn't like it too much. I felt very lonely (cuz I was at home while he worked) in the beginning. But once I met other international women and made new friends, it became a lot more fun! It didn't happen overnight....it actually took a few months. But a simple walk to the nearest Starbucks is more fun because you are with a friend. I met a handful of japanese women and they were only friendly to me if they were the wives/girlfriends of japanese men my husband knew (I actually became good friends with one and she's one of the nicest women I know!). They are very accomodated to their own way of life and make pretty much no effort to be flexible and adapt to new cultures/situations. Anyways, that's my perception.

So, I think she has to find her space in the US and look for what she likes to do. Staying at home doing nothing doesn't help, she'll only feel worse. Getting together with other japanese should help (I'm brazilian, and whenever you put two together, there's a party!!) and also making local friends. Go to yoga class, find a cooking class, dancing lessons, learning a new language....so many things can be done with your free time. And how about finding a job? Work can be fun too!!

I hope that you can resolve things the best way possible. Because right now your wife should put her problems aside and act as your partner, being by your side and supporting you during this difficult period with your mom. And I really hope she realizes this.

Good luck!

I totally agree.... sit and talk about everything. I know that's hard to do sometimes and we're scared of hearing something that might hurt our feelings. But in my opinion, there's no way you can work it out just by trying to please her. I can only imagine how hard it's been for her ( I'll probably have my sad days as well once I'm there)... and she's very lucky to have you around. But you're going through a hard time due to your mom's health and I'm sure you could use an understanding wife right now.

I really do believe that you have a great chance to go from care giver to partner just by talking to her.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

I have to agree with both the replies here. Doing nothing can only bring on depression. get her out in the vworld and accustomed to thisd country. If she doesn't work then get envolved in volunteer work, anything to make her active and so she can meet people. If this doesn't hasppen she may very well return to japan

[Kelvin 0]

Thanks everyone. I thought I'd let this thread sit for a bit to see if anyone else chimed in and to let things stew in my own mind some more.

Actually, she does have a job, and that's part of the problem (!) IMO. It's a job with other Japanese people, so that doesn't offer her any chance to get into a groove here. It just reinforces her isolation, I think. Also, it's a very physical job, so when she gets home, she's beat. She's smart, though she won't admit it, and could get a better job but she has no motivation and feels some loyalty to her current job, probably because of the Japanese thing and the more or less informality of this particular job.

The situation with my mom couldn't be worse. She's got a long term degenerative problem that's been going on since a couple months after my wife's arrival. It's like this constant cloud hanging over us. It's a drain on me, yes, fighting insurance & bureaucratic idiocy rivaled only by the USCIS, but my life has to go on. Our life has to go on. Especially since my mom's not very cooperative. The point to this is that my mom and wife are not only close, they are very much alike. I do think the problem with my mom is affecting my wife more than me. She sees not only problems taking care of her parents when they get old, but I think she also sees herself when she gets old and doesn't like it. Frankly, she's stigmatized by the Japanese view that women are over the hill around 30! Ridiculous!!! But she buys into it.

OK, to some tentative conclusions.

I have a fair bit going on, but I do go out of the way to spend time with my wife. Aside from work, she's got nothing. I'm going to try to find stuff we can do together. Seems like we have a good time and she opens up a bit when we go to dinner, so I'm going to find some more interesting places to go for a start. We used to have a blast going out on the weekends, but that "I'm over the hill" thing makes her feel like she doesn't fit in at a nightclub anymore. Back to Ridiculous. The other idea is to find more concerts to go to. She's a big music fan and I know her taste well. I'll be trolling the concert schedules for things that might get her going again. She is way too young (mid-30s) to be going on 65.

Thanks again. Catharsis is good. More opinions always welcome

Kelvin Zero

[mRx 16]

shes just homesick man, give it a few more months. Its a hard, moving away from your family when your any age.

[Kelvin 0]

Yeah, we're planning a trip there in the Spring and I wanna go for 2007/2008 New Year's Eve. NYE here blows!

KZ

[Lija 0]

Kevin. . . This may perhaps be a shot in the dark and a bit off but. . . have you considered having her talk to a doctor to make sure she isn't suffering from chronic depression? It strikes everywhere and anyone and all ages. Perhaps it could be simply a matter of getting an anti-depressant medication to help get things straightened out. ..

. . . just a thought. . .

Lija

[maekai05 0]

try for babies.. I recovered my homesick whenI have nothing to do

There are lots of Japanese things in Los Angeles, and I was very happy to bring my babies there.

I have exact same experiences as your wife.

I am a Japanese, lived in Los Angeles for a couple years, went back to Japan, and married, and came back los Angeles and became homesick...

But things will be better!!

Good luck.

[maekai05 0]

I didn't take is personal, but it is not nice to say " Japanese are very peculiar in general" even it is only your opinion.

That's because you could not get involved in Japanese Culture. You should try to understand Japan more, and won't say it is peculiar..If you still say "Japanese are peculiar, then all of people in different countries from us will be peculiar, too for us.

Most of Japanese see this, it will be offended.

[KaiserD 12]

Don't have any advice but...

I'm assuming that English culture is closer to US than the Japanese are, and I have had a rough time on and off since moving to GA so I am sure it's very hard on her. I hope things get better for you both soon, especially for your family also

[Jamie76 0]

try for babies.. I recovered my homesick whenI have nothing to do

There are lots of Japanese things in Los Angeles, and I was very happy to bring my babies there.

I have exact same experiences as your wife.

I am a Japanese, lived in Los Angeles for a couple years, went back to Japan, and married, and came back los Angeles and became homesick...

But things will be better!!

Good luck.

I'm not sure making a baby is going to help the situation.

[truffles 2]

Hey Kelvin....must be difficult for both of you right now. You mention she works with other japenese people...so...how do they cope and what do they do in there free time? ...perhaps someone would take her "under there wing" for a while - perhaps there is something you can both do together with her work colleagues ( just to let her know your willing to try anything to support and help her ).

She is homesick and i would imagine missing things she didnt realise she would miss...and it sounds like you are really trying to reach out to find any ideas that will make her feel better - i hope you guys can resolve it - wishing you both the best

[no one 0]

Everyone's already given you good advice. I don't have much to add except for your wife to read Bento Box in the Heartland: My Japanese Girlhood in Whitebread America.

It's a food memoir written from the perspective of a Japanese woman who'd grown up in N. America, but your wife might identify with the writer's parents and their struggles: all the sacrifices they've had to make, and all the cultural adjustments they've had to learn. I'm a first-generation immigrant from an Asian country (Hong Kong) and I grew up in Canada, so I can really relate to the memoir and found it to be a light-hearted look at the bittersweet realities of Asians settling in N. America.

[L_n_O 3]

join an extra-curicular activity once a week together that she enjoys....