muslim marriage tips

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Issues pop up that you don't think about during the stage in the relationship where you're apart.

Maybe it won't be microwave vs. homecooked, but most certainly something will pop up that you'll have to compromise on. The issues might seem small, but perhaps coupled with other stressors like moving to a new country, job stuff, language challenges, whatever, something insignificant may become a deal breaker.

Allahu Alem, only God knows.

[Bosco 1]

Rose-colored glasses? excuse me while I pick my chin up off the floor.

I think I must live in a different glaxay which is why I am having so much trouble understanding things here. I can not even imagine fighting over cooked vs. microwaved meals or cleaning the house. Because I can only choose to marry a man who from the very start holds the same values and similar outlooks on what home and family lifestyles should be, conflicts that need to be resolved as we live together are minimum and are no different than what any other maried couple goes through. I could never enter a marriage where we are so culturally and individually so different that i have to change for him to keep the peace.

I am in that galaxy with you MBP (and Jenn).

Personal growth, growth within a relationship, and growth as a couple are different than changing to keep a man. Not sure why this is such a difficult concept but little surprises me in this forum anymore.

Now we have seen everyones thoughts on 'muslim marriage tips', when does the 'christian marriage tips' thread start?

Jackie

Not sure how to take this, but I think it is quite nice the Christians in this forum are posting.

Issues pop up that you don't think about during the stage in the relationship where you're apart.

Maybe it won't be microwave vs. homecooked, but most certainly something will pop up that you'll have to compromise on. The issues might seem small, but perhaps coupled with other stressors like moving to a new country, job stuff, language challenges, whatever, something insignificant may become a deal breaker.

Allahu Alem, only God knows.

A distinction has been made between the normal changes and accomodations couples make versus "giving him a reason to leave" and "become more the wife he expects and wants" when the 10-year green card comes. These are two different things, IMO.

Something not mentioned is believing in your husband's character. I am not overrun with paranoia because I believe the man I married is a solid, moral, man of strong character. Using a person for anything or abandoning the woman he married over food or dirty dishes would go against his character, how he has been raised, the standards he holds himself to, and the things that drew me to him in the first place (tolerance, patience, compassion).

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Muslim marriage books

The Muslim Marriage Guide - more of a collection of essays than a guide. The chapter on sex as sadaqa is excellent

Blissful Marriage: A Practical Islamic Guide - especially written for muslim couples living in north america.

Also Rights and Responsibilities of Marriage - it's a little costly, but can be found on some bit torrent exchange sites if you look. However, if you do download it for free, please buy a cd or two at retail price. Through our financial support, our scholars can continue to put out excellent and beneficial works.

[Together4ever 1]

Relationship/marriage is like a dance. You can move and flow together, or one partner (or both) can become resistant and they stumble. You either learn to dance together or you stop dancing. The dance is choice/compromise/cooperation and its never-ending.

[mybackpages 0]

Well well well, I now must look at my own relationship and question if I am married to an intolerant, unpatient man. Thinks that make ya go hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Jackie

Just because two couple fight over the things I mentioned does mean the husband or wife are wrong or bad people. There is no judgement here. I just see it in a general sense (not looking at any relationship here). A husband who complains that the house is not clean enough for him is a husband who has an expectation of living in a clean house as he defines it. There is nothing wrong with that. He is not a bad person for wanting that. He has every right to expect that. You are the one that labeled him with negative characteristics.

In my opinion (and we all know its worth what you pay for) that some couples go into a marriage without clearly communicating their expectations of each other, their ownselves and married life. I guestion why a man who owants to live in a house that looks and runs a certain way would marry a woman who isn;t going to give him what he wants. And why would a woman marry a man who expects her to be something she isnt? AND why is the woman changing the answer to the conflict?

If the answer is because they love each other, then he should allow her to be what she is and clean the house to his own expectations. If she loves him, she can and sould accomodate thsoe things that are important to him, but the moment she changes to save the marriage or to reidentify herself, she sets upon a path that can possibily lead only to unhappiness and further conflict.

[ya falaha! 0]

I'm just starting to skim through this thread. It kinda reminds me of the girls in Mona Lisa Smile. Well educated women willing to throw it all away to please their man. Kinda sickening. Marriage is give and take IMO.

[Bosco 1]

If the answer is because they love each other, then he should allow her to be what she is and clean the house to his own expectations. If she loves him, she can and sould accomodate thsoe things that are important to him, but the moment she changes to save the marriage or to reidentify herself, she sets upon a path that can possibily lead only to unhappiness and further conflict.

When my husband didn't like my harira he thanked me for trying and then made his own

Edited November 27, 2006 by Bosco

[peezey 0]

Thank you Amal for explaining so eloquently what I was trying to express. I was probably a year too soon in posting what I did several pages ago. I too was a 'messy housekeeper'. Now you could drop over anytime and you would find our place in order and clean. Did I change for him? Yep. But like you stated, it was a change for the better. Would Mohammed have stayed if we were constantly argueing about cleanliness and other issues that came up in the first 2 years, probably not. I don't regret for a moment the changes I made, as it created an atmosphere of harmony in our home. Meals for me used to be microwave. Would he have stayed if this is what I served every night. Who knows. I learned to cook. Now I whip out some fabulous dishes.

I regret what I posted yesterday. It seems most here still have on the rose colored glasses.

Jackie

What kind of arrogant ####### is this? Because others do not change and/or do not make domestic/cleaning/cooking issues a make-or-break deal in their relationships, they are wearing rose colored glasses? Honestly, I am shocked.

[mybackpages 0]

Issues pop up that you don't think about during the stage in the relationship where you're apart.

Maybe it won't be microwave vs. homecooked, but most certainly something will pop up that you'll have to compromise on. The issues might seem small, but perhaps coupled with other stressors like moving to a new country, job stuff, language challenges, whatever, something insignificant may become a deal breaker.

Allahu Alem, only God knows.

Absolutely issues pop up when you are married that did not when you were apart. My first marriage was also a bi-national relationship. We both entered into the marriage with different expectations based in cultural and home-life experiences. There were conflcits, but we didn't fight over them. We sorted it out and it wasn't easy. In the end we both made adjustments of what we expected from the other and compromised.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

[peezey 0]

I'm just starting to skim through this thread. It kinda reminds me of the girls in Mona Lisa Smile. Well educated women willing to throw it all away to please their man. Kinda sickening. Marriage is give and take IMO.

Just what I've been thinking. Clearly there are bigger things going on here, though.

I just dont' believe that anyone's husband has "taught" them how to keep a house. Come on, ladies, you very well know what a clean house is and whether or not you care to have one by now. None of us are kids in our first apartment. Again, figuring out the growing pains of living together for the first time is not the same as making fundamental changes to please your man. I for one, am not a great housekeeper. But this doesn't define me as a person and has never once come up in any of my relationships, except for me to say "I'm not a great housekeeper." I'm also a microwave/take out meal eater. I cook sometimes, but when I want to, and should my husband ever make me feel like these things make me the kind of wife he's willing to leave or that he needs to "teach" me to "better" myself by cooking more and putting my books away more often, then HE would be the one hitting the curb beause I sent him there for such b.s. And then I'd have to figure out what the heck my problem is for having chosen a man who makes these things something to argue about in the first place.

[ya falaha! 0]

I plan on acting the same way that I have been for the last 10+ years since I've moved out of my parent's house. I've been a wife before..I am a mother..I know how that stuff works. I do like to keep a clean home. I do like to cook. I don't need a Muslim "guide" to marriage to teach me how to do it. A man who wants to leave will do it regardless.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

None of us are kids in our first apartment.

I am. Well, not a kid. But this is my first apartment. And first marriage. We have a very diverse group here, lets not forget.

[peezey 0]

None of us are kids in our first apartment.

I am. Well, not a kid. But this is my first apartment. And first marriage. We have a very diverse group here, lets not forget.

I didn't say that we are all on mutliple marriages, and while this might be your first apartment, those discussing cleaning/cooking issues are not on their first households.

It is very clear this is a diverse group.

[Jenn! 918]

It is very clear this is a diverse group.

You can say that again!