muslim marriage tips

[Jenn! 918]

Yes and no. Many of the guys stick around for a few more years because they can put more money away, especially if the woman is paying most of the bills. Even if it is 50/50, he can save more if he stays a few extra years (not to mention possibly have meals cooked for him and a clean home). I think the jig is often up once they have a nice chunk of change & the GC.

If I end up being dumped after he acquires a nice chuck of change and the GC, I am moving to Morocco to live with his mother.

:lol:

[mybackpages 0]

Yes and no. Many of the guys stick around for a few more years because they can put more money away, especially if the woman is paying most of the bills. Even if it is 50/50, he can save more if he stays a few extra years (not to mention possibly have meals cooked for him and a clean home). I think the jig is often up once they have a nice chunk of change & the GC.

If I end up being dumped after he acquires a nice chuck of change and the GC, I am moving to Morocco to live with his mother.

what??? do you think I am kidding?

[peezey 0]

So,you see, If I didn't do something to make the relationship stronger, then I was only going to give him more of a reason to leave (in lighter definition, give him reasons to be mad all the time and end up causing the whole household to be upset and who wants to live that way--) It was easier for me to change myself than it was to deal with the problems) in my case, though, the things i had to change were things that i should have change to begin with..I just needed help...

I can totally understand figuring out the pains of learning to live together, cleaning, laundry, cooking, meal times, who does which chores, etc. I do not, however, understand how these things automatically jump to him potentially leaving because of these kinds of things. We've established both parties will have this kind of compromising to do, right? If the tables were turned and you hated that your husband couldn't bear to eat one frozen lasagna a week when you cook fresh all the otehr 6 dinners each week, would he be having to worry that you might leave? I don't think so. You wouldn't do such a thing, not even think it, I'm sure. So why is this even something to worry about with the man leaving if things don't change?

so technically if the guy is using the girl (or the girl using the guy) for immigration, the jig would be up after two years if he got the green light for the green card?

Yes and no. Many of the guys stick around for a few more years because they can put more money away, especially if the woman is paying most of the bills. Even if it is 50/50, he can save more if he stays a few extra years (not to mention possibly have meals cooked for him and a clean home). I think the jig is often up once they have a nice chunk of change & the GC.

No, because if you divorce after you get the 2 year card, you have to file the I-751 (lifting conditions) individually, with a waiver stating the marriage has terminated, and hope that the USCIS believe the petitioner actually did originally enter into the marriage legitimately.

[amal 4]

So,you see, If I didn't do something to make the relationship stronger, then I was only going to give him more of a reason to leave (in lighter definition, give him reasons to be mad all the time and end up causing the whole household to be upset and who wants to live that way--) It was easier for me to change myself than it was to deal with the problems) in my case, though, the things i had to change were things that i should have change to begin with..I just needed help...

I can totally understand figuring out the pains of learning to live together, cleaning, laundry, cooking, meal times, who does which chores, etc. I do not, however, understand how these things automatically jump to him potentially leaving because of these kinds of things. We've established both parties will have this kind of compromising to do, right? If the tables were turned and you hated that your husband couldn't bear to eat one frozen lasagna a week when you cook fresh all the otehr 6 dinners each week, would he be having to worry that you might leave? I don't think so. You wouldn't do such a thing, not even think it, I'm sure. So why is this even something to worry about with the man leaving if things don't change?

considering that my first husband left me due to these exact things.....yeah I think it is something that some people should have to worry about. I don't worry about my husband now leaving me for it...but it did happen once and if it happened to 1 person, it can happen to another...I wish i could type more but we are watching a movie and smoking argeelah...he has started without me so i gotta go , i'll add more later enshallah...

[~Jackie~ 30]

trying to get Mohammed to light ours..lol

Jackie

[jordanianprincess 0]

WOW...I just can't believe what I am reading. Many of the women here in this forum are divorced, including myself. I took my last marriage as a learning expericance. That said, I would NEVER pretend to be someone I am not just to be with a man or please a man. Greencard or no greencard, if you are not the domestic type then why on earth would you pretend to be? To please a man? A man should accept you for who you are and not what you do for him. The special touches are nice but in no way should they define a relationship or be a deciding factor in how long a man should stay after he gets his greencard.

If I had any doubts about my fiances intentions I would not marry him for the simple reason that I am divorced, I learned my lesson, and I know what I want in life and in a marriage. However given the fact that some of the courtship times for couples in our forum have been really minimal, then I wouldn't expect that anyone would be able to learn about another person's intentions in that period of time.

I had doubts about my ex husband and dismissed them as cold feet, well I should have listened to my gut. I don't think it would be fair to myself to get in a relationship where I have doubts and have to change my behaivior as we get closer to that 10 year green card to keep him from running. I honestly don't know what to say about some of the advice given here, its absoulutly mind boggling.

[amal 4]

WOW...I just can't believe what I am reading. Many of the women here in this forum are divorced, including myself. I took my last marriage as a learning expericance. That said, I would NEVER pretend to be someone I am not just to be with a man or please a man. Greencard or no greencard, if you are not the domestic type then why on earth would you pretend to be? To please a man? A man should accept you for who you are and not what you do for him. The special touches are nice but in no way should they define a relationship or be a deciding factor in how long a man should stay after he gets his greencard.

If I had any doubts about my fiances intentions I would not marry him for the simple reason that I am divorced, I learned my lesson, and I know what I want in life and in a marriage. However given the fact that some of the courtship times for couples in our forum have been really minimal, then I wouldn't expect that anyone would be able to learn about another person's intentions in that period of time.

I had doubts about my ex husband and dismissed them as cold feet, well I should have listened to my gut. I don't think it would be fair to myself to get in a relationship where I have doubts and have to change my behaivior as we get closer to that 10 year green card to keep him from running. I honestly don't know what to say about some of the advice given here, its absoulutly mind boggling.

It isn't that I wasn't the domestic type..it is that I just plain didn't know how to do it and keep it done. I know that sounds stupid but it is the truth. I wanted to be a tidier person but didn't know what to do. Honestly, I am happy I learned to change because living the other way was unhealthy. My husband taught me how to do things in a great way and I thank him for that. We live a great life together with minimal arguments. I don't see a problem in fixing something in your life for the better if you want to fix it. I didn't just change for him, I changed for myself. I didn't like living that way.

I think it is the paranoia before the 10 yr card that makes a person change. As I stated a while back, it is the moment of truth (I think maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaany ppl worry about this to some degree). Not all ppl..but many. Some situations are different as the spouse has lived here a long time before they met you, or you are both of the same nationality and have known each other forever so it isn't an issue at all... But there are the others who are going on "blind faith" that have that tiny smidge of concern as to the true intentions of their spouse/soon to be spouse. Therefore, the closer to the "moment of truth" it gets, the more paranoid he/she gets because they will soon know what the last 2 years of their lives meant (in a matter of speaking).

Now, I wouldn't say that a person HAD to change in order to keep their spouse but I will say that paranoia will cause a person to do things they wouldn't normally do to ensure their own safety (keeping the husband). It is all paranoia speaking at this point. To understand this point of view, you have to understand how paranoia works alltogether. Many of us have some degree of paranoia with our relationships. I know this because of some threads a while back that talked about how we felt and most of us (at that time) said we were paranoid but we loved them and prayed that it would work out. A person that feels this will wear that extra pair of socks to ensure their toes don't freeze and will put away that extra dish in the sink to remind her spouse that she's a great wife and that he loves her. A far step ? yeah a bit. Does it happen? absolutely. I think after the 10 year card is received, the intensity level lessens and they feel they can resume their normal lives. It is just a level of paranoia, that's all.

[Bosco 1]

I think if the fear of your spouse leaving rises to the level of altering your behavior, there is a serious problem, if not in the relationship than with the person experiencing such thoughts, and they could probably benefit from some kind of treatment. Of course it is natural to have fleeting thoughts and worries, and we all experience unfounded fears from time to time. However, if these fears become so large that they modify our behavior, there is a bigger issue at hand. My ex takes my daughter for the occasional weekend. Once in a while, the thought will pass through my mind that he simply could decide not to return her and disappear. It is a passing thought. It doesn't prompt me to pick up the phone and locate them in that moment or keep her from visiting. I realize it is a bit nutty and I go on with whatever I was doing. There is clearly a difference between the occasional moment of "what if" and paranoia that takes over how you act in your relationship.

On another note, why even have paranoia about your relationship in the first place. If he leaves, he leaves. You deal with the hurt and move on. It isn't life-ending by any means. People can't manage alone? Letting something as destructive as paranoia creep into the relationship and your life on a regular basis is unhealthy. It honestly comes across in this forum that the only standard some women have is making the man stay with them and to not be alone, at any cost. Not being true to who they are, changing their behavior/clothing/religion drastically, sometimes at a financial cost, even changing how they treat their own children and their own family.

[amal 4]

Bosco, I honestly think there is a very very fine line between what you are saying and what i'm saying. I honestly do ride the fence on this one ..I do see both sides points of views. I'm just trying to make sense of this particular point of view. I totally see what you're saying but I also see what has been said.

The funny thing about paranoia is that it can kick in at any time wether you want it to or not. Sure we can live through our spouses leaving but do we want them to...no, not really. Inside us, we are giving them our hearts and don't want that to be stepped on. Some ppl are stronger than others in the fact that if the man leaves, the man leaves... I lost someone about 4 years ago and never really did fully recover. It killed a part of me when he left. I had given him every inch of my heart and he left in 1 moment without any notice. I couldn't handle it if that happened again. No, I don't go out of my way to do things JUST for the simple fact of keeping my husband... but I do do things that make him happy coz I like to do them and I like to make him happy...that is just me

[~Jackie~ 30]

Thank you Amal for explaining so eloquently what I was trying to express. I was probably a year too soon in posting what I did several pages ago. I too was a 'messy housekeeper'. Now you could drop over anytime and you would find our place in order and clean. Did I change for him? Yep. But like you stated, it was a change for the better. Would Mohammed have stayed if we were constantly argueing about cleanliness and other issues that came up in the first 2 years, probably not. I don't regret for a moment the changes I made, as it created an atmosphere of harmony in our home. Meals for me used to be microwave. Would he have stayed if this is what I served every night. Who knows. I learned to cook. Now I whip out some fabulous dishes.

I regret what I posted yesterday. It seems most here still have on the rose colored glasses.

Jackie

[Jenn! 918]

If being true to myself and confident in my relationship means that I am wearing rose-colored glasses, then may I always wear rose-colored glasses.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Whatever works for you Every relationship is different, that is what makes life so great. Now we have seen everyones thoughts on 'muslim marriage tips', when does the 'christian marriage tips' thread start?

Jackie

[sophyie 0]

Whatever works for you Every relationship is different, that is what makes life so great. Now we have seen everyones thoughts on 'muslim marriage tips', when does the 'christian marriage tips' thread start?

Jackie

I guess in a "christian marriage tips"- thread you'd find very similar posts

What has worked for me/us in the past is to not try and change the other, treat each other with respect and be tolerant and patient. Especially if two cultures are involved and language might be an issue.

[mybackpages 0]

Rose-colored glasses? excuse me while I pick my chin up off the floor.

I think I must live in a different glaxay which is why I am having so much trouble understanding things here. I can not even imagine fighting over cooked vs. microwaved meals or cleaning the house. Because I can only choose to marry a man who from the very start holds the same values and similar outlooks on what home and family lifestyles should be, conflicts that need to be resolved as we live together are minimum and are no different than what any other maried couple goes through. I could never enter a marriage where we are so culturally and individually so different that i have to change for him to keep the peace.

[~Jackie~ 30]

Well well well, I now must look at my own relationship and question if I am married to an intolerant, unpatient man. Thinks that make ya go hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Jackie

Edited November 27, 2006 by jmagayreh