muslim marriage tips

[amal 4]

I think you speak about every marriage - bi-national or not- with this experience. And though you were very honest about how your behaviors needed to change, I would bet your husband did make many adjustments too. In any healthy marriage it has to happen. I think the important thing is the changes we make in ourselves should be changes we want to make without sacrificing our identities. Just to be clear I do not think your examples of change in anyway show this latter extreme change.

ohhhh you bet he did .... He made sooooooooooo many adjustments, I don't know where I would even begin. I'm sure that there are things he has changed within himself that I am completely unaware of that were big things to him.

I LOVE THAT MAN

[Bosco 1]

I don't relate to "or give hima reason to leave the marriage" in the literal sense. If you look at that phrase loosely, it can come accross differently (at least it did for me).

Here is the way I related it to my personal experiences. Husband got here..we were soooooooooo happy. I thought I had everything all figured out. For the most part, I did. There were some things I did have to change. I had to tweak some of my behaviors because it caused some seriously big and heated discussions of which I really hated having. We didn't really argue but one of us would get our feelings hurt and it was just a mess.

I say that I had to change because of the following:

I was a total slob, lazy, ate boxed or canned meals (anything microwavable and preferrably pasta), didn't care if the living room had toys everywhere, didn't care about my clothes being wrinkled...etc (hard to admit but it is the truth)

HE got tired of cleaning up after me, hates pasta, preferred a clean home always, likes ironed clothes etc.

It was not his job to become lazy and sloppy, I think it was much healthier for me to learn how to keep things more kept-up (just my perspective) I still don't iron clothes and the laundry stays in baskets in the bedroom for EVER until I get tired of them being in the way.. but everything else, we've got it all worked out now. I've gotten better and he's lightened up enough that we both give 50/50 (or yes 100/100 for those of you who prefer this way) and its great now!

So,you see, If I didn't do something to make the relationship stronger, then I was only going to give him more of a reason to leave (in lighter definition, give him reasons to be mad all the time and end up causing the whole household to be upset and who wants to live that way--) It was easier for me to change myself than it was to deal with the problems) in my case, though, the things i had to change were things that i should have change to begin with..I just needed help...

I will also add that it is not always just the woman that has to change...the man sometimes has to do some serious changing as well to provide a harmonious atmosphere in the home. it does go both ways

Amal,

I agree with all this but I think this is normal in any marriage. Both parties have to adjust/grow/adapt.

The difference between this and the original post is what you describe isn't tied to his 10-year green card or his assimilation. It is tied to the adjustments any couple goes through when they move in together. The other post related a change incumbent upon the woman in relation to the husband receiving his 10-year green card and/or his assimilation in order to make it work and keep him from splitting.

Rebecca

[mybackpages 0]

I agree with all this but I think this is normal in any marriage. Both parties have to adjust/grow/adapt.

The difference between this and the original post is what you describe isn't tied to his 10-year green card or his assimilation. It is tied to the adjustments any couple goes through when they move in together. The other post related a change incumbent upon the woman in relation to the husband receiving his 10-year green card and/or his assimilation in order to make it work and keep him from splitting.

Rebecca

Any woman entertains the notion that changing her fundamental sense of being to "adjust" to her husband in order to keep the marriage is setting herself up for a life of unhappiness.

[amal 4]

Amal,

I agree with all this but I think this is normal in any marriage. Both parties have to adjust/grow/adapt.

The difference between this and the original post is what you describe isn't tied to his 10-year green card or his assimilation. It is tied to the adjustments any couple goes through when they move in together. The other post related a change incumbent upon the woman in relation to the husband receiving his 10-year green card and/or his assimilation in order to make it work and keep him from splitting.

Rebecca

I do apologize for not being able to explain that. Just kick me I think a lot of ppl are worried, when it comes to the 10 year card, that now is the moment of truth. Now is when you'll know for sure if they were honest with you. Some people feel the need to do things to ensure their spouse won't leave. I'm sure that if someone used you for a green card, nothing you could do could make them stay with you. I do agree with that. I know of some people who both she and her husband were so stressed out by the waiting for the 10 year card that they both became total bears to each other and both had to do some serious tweaking in their attitudes/actions until the 10 year card was obtained. Another friend of mine almost got a divorce due to the stress level of all of the interviews and such. (They could barely be in the same room together without fighting)so maybe that is the kind of thing she is referring to? (Sorry Jackie if this was not your intention, it was just my take on it)

[mybackpages 0]

here's a novel idea to keeping a marriage together- How about being a successful confident woman and not getting involved with any man who would settle for less?

[amal 4]

it would be nice if there were enough men out there to handle all us smart and confident ladies! hehe

STRONG WOMEN UNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE

[doodlebug 3]

whoa back up...it takes ten years to get a greencard?

[amal 4]

no no not 10 years to get it......get it and it is good for 10 years

[Jenn! 918]

whoa back up...it takes ten years to get a greencard?

If the marriage is less than two years old, a 2-year green card is granted intitially. Two years after that, you apply to get the 10-year green card.

[amal 4]

we get the glory of applying for the 10 yr green card in 10 months...*shudders* I hate applying for important stuff like that..I SUCK at paperwork ....

Edited November 26, 2006 by amal

[~Jackie~ 30]

Mohammed has 2 cousins that recently went thru lifting conditions. Neither one had a problem, just sent in some proof like bills and bank statements, and both got 10 year cards. I'm sure you won't have any trouble at all.

Jackie

[doodlebug 3]

so technically if the guy is using the girl (or the girl using the guy) for immigration, the jig would be up after two years if he got the green light for the green card?

[Bosco 1]

so technically if the guy is using the girl (or the girl using the guy) for immigration, the jig would be up after two years if he got the green light for the green card?

Yes and no. Many of the guys stick around for a few more years because they can put more money away, especially if the woman is paying most of the bills. Even if it is 50/50, he can save more if he stays a few extra years (not to mention possibly have meals cooked for him and a clean home). I think the jig is often up once they have a nice chunk of change & the GC.

[mybackpages 0]

Yes and no. Many of the guys stick around for a few more years because they can put more money away, especially if the woman is paying most of the bills. Even if it is 50/50, he can save more if he stays a few extra years (not to mention possibly have meals cooked for him and a clean home). I think the jig is often up once they have a nice chunk of change & the GC.

If I end up being dumped after he acquires a nice chuck of change and the GC, I am moving to Morocco to live with his mother.

[doodlebug 3]

Yes and no. Many of the guys stick around for a few more years because they can put more money away, especially if the woman is paying most of the bills. Even if it is 50/50, he can save more if he stays a few extra years (not to mention possibly have meals cooked for him and a clean home). I think the jig is often up once they have a nice chunk of change & the GC.

If I end up being dumped after he acquires a nice chuck of change and the GC, I am moving to Morocco to live with his mother.