muslim marriage tips

[amal 4]

I agree that it is all in the way each individual understands the situation. Some may call it submissive and some may not.

doodlebug, I quite like your interpretation of what Jackie said...

I have seen so many ppl (who were 100% comfortable with their relationships) become so paranoid before the interview that they are seriously afraid their spouse will take off once issued the visa. Who knows..you, me, any of us may end up feeling the same way. Nobody ever wants to believe that they are going to be blindsided by the one they thought they could count on to stay with them forever and always. But you see it every day... There are many ppl who come back to VJ to let ppl know they found out they were used by their spouse just for a green card....it is a scary thing to think about. That is why I believe in always doing a little something special for my husband (and yes he does these little things for me as well) If we continue doing things like this, we will keep the happiness alive and the relationship won't go dead.

If they used their spouse for a green card, maybe if such small acts of kindness are always applied (given and taken) they will end up staying and loving their spouse more than they ever imagined and nobody would be the wiser...

If none of these acts are applied, why would they even second guess leaving...why try to maintain a boring relationship???

in short, small acts can make or break you.....

ok i'll stop now hehehehehe

[mybackpages 0]

What I'm taking from Sophia's post is not that she won't help him, but that helping/suporting him will not put her in a dominant role, it is just one thing she will do as part of her relationship with him. Just because she has to show him how to make a bank deposit doesn't mean she is taking on a motherly role with him. It's not the basis of a marriage, it's just a part of something you'd do for someone, anyone, who moves here.

You choose the dynamic you create in your relationship. Adjustment might cause some tension, just because it will be hard, but it certainly shouldn't make your relationship one of infantalizing your husband for 2 years until he feels comfortable with the freeway exits.

yes thank you. You can now be incharge of responding to all posts on my behalf

[Jenn! 918]

That is why I believe in always doing a little something special for my husband (and yes he does these little things for me as well) If we continue doing things like this, we will keep the happiness alive and the relationship won't go dead.

If they used their spouse for a green card, maybe if such small acts of kindness are always applied (given and taken) they will end up staying and loving their spouse more than they ever imagined and nobody would be the wiser...

If none of these acts are applied, why would they even second guess leaving...why try to maintain a boring relationship???

in short, small acts can make or break you.....

I agree that doing little special somethings is important in any marriage. I think it's a problem when the reason that you're doing these things is to keep your husband from running.

I also believe that if it was a man's intention to use a woman for a green card, there is nothing that you can do to change that. He will leave eventually, no matter how perfect of a wife you are and how many special things you do. I hate to think that a woman would fault herself in this situation.

[peezey 0]

That is why I believe in always doing a little something special for my husband (and yes he does these little things for me as well) If we continue doing things like this, we will keep the happiness alive and the relationship won't go dead.

If they used their spouse for a green card, maybe if such small acts of kindness are always applied (given and taken) they will end up staying and loving their spouse more than they ever imagined and nobody would be the wiser...

If none of these acts are applied, why would they even second guess leaving...why try to maintain a boring relationship???

in short, small acts can make or break you.....

I agree that doing little special somethings is important in any marriage. I think it's a problem when the reason that you're doing these things is to keep your husband from running.

I also believe that if it was a man's intention to use a woman for a green card, there is nothing that you can do to change that. He will leave eventually, no matter how perfect of a wife you are and how many special things you do. I hate to think that a woman would fault herself in this situation.

Exactly. I also think it's HIGHLY INSULTING to even remotely suggest a woman whose SO used her and/or left her right after the GC was approved that he did so because she possibly didn't do enough little, big, or otherwise, things FOR him.

[Bosco 1]

If they used their spouse for a green card, maybe if such small acts of kindness are always applied (given and taken) they will end up staying and loving their spouse more than they ever imagined and nobody would be the wiser...

If none of these acts are applied, why would they even second guess leaving...why try to maintain a boring relationship???

in short, small acts can make or break you.....

ok i'll stop now hehehehehe

If the man I married was the type of low life scum that would use a person for a green card, good riddance. Not saying it wouldn't hurt, but I don't want to be with someone that immoral and sick in the head. Besides, I don't believe acts of kindness will reach the core of someone like this. They may stick around because it is cheaper to split the bills and convenient to have meals cooked, but that is not the kind of man I care to be with.

[mybackpages 0]

I agree that doing little special somethings is important in any marriage. I think it's a problem when the reason that you're doing these things is to keep your husband from running.

I also believe that if it was a man's intention to use a woman for a green card, there is nothing that you can do to change that. He will leave eventually, no matter how perfect of a wife you are and how many special things you do. I hate to think that a woman would fault herself in this situation.

Beautifully put.

I wonder how many times the marriage was entered to with sincerity, but it failed because of these types of relationship issues. The USC could then claim he only wanted a greencard completely blind to her own role in causing the marriage to fail. Bi-national relationships have their own dynamics. I am not sure if all American women completely understand the waters they are navigating.

Edited November 26, 2006 by mybackpages

[amal 4]

so I have yet again been misunderstood. That is ok. No worries

I, In no way said that a person HAS to do those things in order to keep someone around that never loved them in the first place. If It came off that way, I do apologize. I was trying to say that it is the small things that keep things alive.

Think about something for a second...

1. If someone uses you for a green card, you don't know you're being used and you think everything is ok.

2. If you both are respecting each other in the ways afore mentioned in previous posts, then the whole "love factor" can bloom into something never imagined and in turn become the best relationship (this is of course hypothetically speaking and not always going to be the case) (have any of you ever seen the movie Green Card where they don't love each other but end up falling in love and it is the most awesome thing ever)

3. What is so wrong if #2 happens? Nothing wrong with finding happiness even if it began with different intentions. (as in the movie Green Card- i use this coz this is the perfect example of what I'm trying to get accross)

4. If the spouse used you purely for green card and nothing else PERIOD.. then sure, they're going to leave anyway but at least you can't fault yourself and say you didn't do everything in your power to be honest and show your love. They can't blame you either. That way the blame lies purely on them.

I hope this explains it a little bit better and if not, I guess I'll try to explain it in a better way. Maybe one of you "gets" my point and can help me explain my thoughts better? (it is so hard to explain things in typing for me..uggg

[Bosco 1]

so I have yet again been misunderstood. That is ok. No worries

I, In no way said that a person HAS to do those things in order to keep someone around that never loved them in the first place. If It came off that way, I do apologize. I was trying to say that it is the small things that keep things alive.

Think about something for a second...

1. If someone uses you for a green card, you don't know you're being used and you think everything is ok.

2. If you both are respecting each other in the ways afore mentioned in previous posts, then the whole "love factor" can bloom into something never imagined and in turn become the best relationship (this is of course hypothetically speaking and not always going to be the case) (have any of you ever seen the movie Green Card where they don't love each other but end up falling in love and it is the most awesome thing ever)

3. What is so wrong if #2 happens? Nothing wrong with finding happiness even if it began with different intentions. (as in the movie Green Card- i use this coz this is the perfect example of what I'm trying to get accross)

4. If the spouse used you purely for green card and nothing else PERIOD.. then sure, they're going to leave anyway but at least you can't fault yourself and say you didn't do everything in your power to be honest and show your love. They can't blame you either. That way the blame lies purely on them.

I hope this explains it a little bit better and if not, I guess I'll try to explain it in a better way. Maybe one of you "gets" my point and can help me explain my thoughts better? (it is so hard to explain things in typing for me..uggg

Reads the same to me as it did the first time.

The problem with #3, in my opinion, is that immoral, rephrensible, disgusting, low-life, fradulent intentions are the "different" intentions you are talking about. Someone is lying, someone is using, and someone is decieving. I don't believe anything that starts out this way has a proper foundation. That is like saying that if I had several affairs when my husband thought I was faithful and I get my ####### together and start acting like a faithful wife, it is ok. No harm, no foul? I don't agree. I also don't believe people should profit from crimes. And marriage fraud is a crime.

In "Green Card", both parties were aware of their intentions. This is not the case when someone is being used.

[amal 4]

so I have yet again been misunderstood. That is ok. No worries

I, In no way said that a person HAS to do those things in order to keep someone around that never loved them in the first place. If It came off that way, I do apologize. I was trying to say that it is the small things that keep things alive.

Think about something for a second...

1. If someone uses you for a green card, you don't know you're being used and you think everything is ok.

2. If you both are respecting each other in the ways afore mentioned in previous posts, then the whole "love factor" can bloom into something never imagined and in turn become the best relationship (this is of course hypothetically speaking and not always going to be the case) (have any of you ever seen the movie Green Card where they don't love each other but end up falling in love and it is the most awesome thing ever)

3. What is so wrong if #2 happens? Nothing wrong with finding happiness even if it began with different intentions. (as in the movie Green Card- i use this coz this is the perfect example of what I'm trying to get accross)

4. If the spouse used you purely for green card and nothing else PERIOD.. then sure, they're going to leave anyway but at least you can't fault yourself and say you didn't do everything in your power to be honest and show your love. They can't blame you either. That way the blame lies purely on them.

I hope this explains it a little bit better and if not, I guess I'll try to explain it in a better way. Maybe one of you "gets" my point and can help me explain my thoughts better? (it is so hard to explain things in typing for me..uggg

Reads the same to me as it did the first time.

The problem with #3, in my opinion, is that immoral, rephrensible, disgusting, low-life, fradulent intentions are the "different" intentions you are talking about. Someone is lying, someone is using, and someone is decieving. I don't believe anything that starts out this way has a proper foundation. That is like saying that if I had several affairs when my husband thought I was faithful and I get my ####### together and start acting like a faithful wife, it is ok. No harm, no foul? I don't agree. I also don't believe people should profit from crimes. And marriage fraud is a crime.

In "Green Card", both parties were aware of their intentions. This is not the case when someone is being used.

I'm glad you brought that up about the movie "green card". I know they were both aware fo their intentions but I was mainly speaking on the basis of the whole thing in general.

I'm not saying it is "OK" for a person to use another person. I think it is wrong all the way around. I would never get over it if I found that my husband had used me. I was only trying to show how small things can completely change ones attitude towards their significant other.

I was using an example, that is all. NO I don't think those actions are ok...did it work to explain the effects of small things? I think it did.

[Bosco 1]

I'm glad you brought that up about the movie "green card". I know they were both aware fo their intentions but I was mainly speaking on the basis of the whole thing in general.

I'm not saying it is "OK" for a person to use another person. I think it is wrong all the way around. I would never get over it if I found that my husband had used me. I was only trying to show how small things can completely change ones attitude towards their significant other.

I was using an example, that is all. NO I don't think those actions are ok...did it work to explain the effects of small things? I think it did.

I think small things should be a given in any marriage, or in any relationship with someone you care for. What started the latest part of this thread wasn't about whether or not people should do small things but a discernible change in behavior at the time of the 10-year green card. The latter part of that message also didn't resonate with me -- when the man is less reliant you can either make your relationship stronger OR give him a reason to leave. This implies that the glue of the first two years of marriage was his dependency and once he is self-reliant, assimilated, and has a 10-year card, a transformation in the woman is required, ("It's in your power"). Make it stronger or give him a reason to leave.

My marriage is not rooted in his assimilation or reliancy on me, so there is no major shift that is going to happen at 2 years, the green card, etc. I also cannot wrap my mind around not "giving him a reason to leave". My behavior towards my husband is what I feel is right, not what is meant to make him stick around once he no longer needs to rely on me. Also it isn't in "my" power, because it is about two of us working TOGETHER for a marriage and again, not me working to keep him from leaving. If you relate, ok, each relationship is different but none of this hits home for me.

As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Let's face it. Even in this progressive, secular nation, the notion that the wife is responsible for the home and her husband's happiness is still prevalent. That's why there is still debate wbout whether women can "have it all", career, family, and happiness. The answer, we are told, is still "NO".

Just an observation.

[honeyblonde 0]

Let's face it. Even in this progressive, secular nation, the notion that the wife is responsible for the home and her husband's happiness is still prevalent. That's why there is still debate wbout whether women can "have it all", career, family, and happiness. The answer, we are told, is still "NO".

Just an observation.

I think it really goes both ways now, we're just discussing it from the woman's viewpoint so it sounds sexist. The same can be said about the man's side of things that are being said about the woman's. A man can make his marriage work or not too - he can choose to be pleasant to get along with, do his share around the house, spend his money wisely on the family, not only on himself, be a good father, etcetera.

I think if we addressed the male side of this we would see a lot more equality in what is being said here. I also saw that those who posted here that they spoil there husbands also said that their husbands spoil them too. Did I miss something?

[mybackpages 0]

I also saw that those who posted here that they spoil there husbands also said that their husbands spoil them too. Did I miss something?

I think this is exactly what Amal was trying to say (Sorry Amal if I spoke incorrectly for you). Each partner treats the other with special thoughtful things. It keeps the romance alive and blooming.

[amal 4]

I'm glad you brought that up about the movie "green card". I know they were both aware fo their intentions but I was mainly speaking on the basis of the whole thing in general.

I'm not saying it is "OK" for a person to use another person. I think it is wrong all the way around. I would never get over it if I found that my husband had used me. I was only trying to show how small things can completely change ones attitude towards their significant other.

I was using an example, that is all. NO I don't think those actions are ok...did it work to explain the effects of small things? I think it did.

I think small things should be a given in any marriage, or in any relationship with someone you care for. What started the latest part of this thread wasn't about whether or not people should do small things but a discernible change in behavior at the time of the 10-year green card. The latter part of that message also didn't resonate with me -- when the man is less reliant you can either make your relationship stronger OR give him a reason to leave. This implies that the glue of the first two years of marriage was his dependency and once he is self-reliant, assimilated, and has a 10-year card, a transformation in the woman is required, ("It's in your power"). Make it stronger or give him a reason to leave.

My marriage is not rooted in his assimilation or reliancy on me, so there is no major shift that is going to happen at 2 years, the green card, etc. I also cannot wrap my mind around not "giving him a reason to leave". My behavior towards my husband is what I feel is right, not what is meant to make him stick around once he no longer needs to rely on me. Also it isn't in "my" power, because it is about two of us working TOGETHER for a marriage and again, not me working to keep him from leaving. If you relate, ok, each relationship is different but none of this hits home for me.

As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

I don't relate to "or give hima reason to leave the marriage" in the literal sense. If you look at that phrase loosely, it can come accross differently (at least it did for me).

Here is the way I related it to my personal experiences. Husband got here..we were soooooooooo happy. I thought I had everything all figured out. For the most part, I did. There were some things I did have to change. I had to tweak some of my behaviors because it caused some seriously big and heated discussions of which I really hated having. We didn't really argue but one of us would get our feelings hurt and it was just a mess.

I say that I had to change because of the following:

I was a total slob, lazy, ate boxed or canned meals (anything microwavable and preferrably pasta), didn't care if the living room had toys everywhere, didn't care about my clothes being wrinkled...etc (hard to admit but it is the truth)

HE got tired of cleaning up after me, hates pasta, preferred a clean home always, likes ironed clothes etc.

It was not his job to become lazy and sloppy, I think it was much healthier for me to learn how to keep things more kept-up (just my perspective) I still don't iron clothes and the laundry stays in baskets in the bedroom for EVER until I get tired of them being in the way.. but everything else, we've got it all worked out now. I've gotten better and he's lightened up enough that we both give 50/50 (or yes 100/100 for those of you who prefer this way) and its great now!

So,you see, If I didn't do something to make the relationship stronger, then I was only going to give him more of a reason to leave (in lighter definition, give him reasons to be mad all the time and end up causing the whole household to be upset and who wants to live that way--) It was easier for me to change myself than it was to deal with the problems) in my case, though, the things i had to change were things that i should have change to begin with..I just needed help...

I will also add that it is not always just the woman that has to change...the man sometimes has to do some serious changing as well to provide a harmonious atmosphere in the home. it does go both ways

I also saw that those who posted here that they spoil there husbands also said that their husbands spoil them too. Did I miss something?

I think this is exactly what Amal was trying to say (Sorry Amal if I spoke incorrectly for you). Each partner treats the other with special thoughtful things. It keeps the romance alive and blooming.

No worries MBP. That is what I have tried to say and you definitely did not speak incorrectly.

[mybackpages 0]

Here is the way I related it to my personal experiences. Husband got here..we were soooooooooo happy. I thought I had everything all figured out. For the most part, I did. There were some things I did have to change. I had to tweak some of my behaviors because it caused some seriously big and heated discussions of which I really hated having. We didn't really argue but one of us would get our feelings hurt and it was just a mess.

I say that I had to change because of the following:

I was a total slob, lazy, ate boxed or canned meals (anything microwavable and preferrably pasta), didn't care if the living room had toys everywhere, didn't care about my clothes being wrinkled...etc (hard to admit but it is the truth)

HE got tired of cleaning up after me, hates pasta, preferred a clean home always, likes ironed clothes etc.

It was not his job to become lazy and sloppy, I think it was much healthier for me to learn how to keep things more kept-up (just my perspective) I still don't iron clothes and the laundry stays in baskets in the bedroom for EVER until I get tired of them being in the way.. but everything else, we've got it all worked out now. I've gotten better and he's lightened up enough that we both give 50/50 (or yes 100/100 for those of you who prefer this way) and its great now!

So,you see, If I didn't do something to make the relationship stronger, then I was only going to give him more of a reason to leave (in lighter definition, give him reasons to be mad all the time and end up causing the whole household to be upset and who wants to live that way--) It was easier for me to change myself than it was to deal with the problems) in my case, though, the things i had to change were things that i should have change to begin with..I just needed help...

I will also add that it is not always just the woman that has to change...the man sometimes has to do some serious changing as well to provide a harmonious atmosphere in the home. it does go both ways

I think you speak about every marriage - bi-national or not- with this experience. And though you were very honest about how your behaviors needed to change, I would bet your husband did make many adjustments too. In any healthy marriage it has to happen. I think the important thing is the changes we make in ourselves should be changes we want to make without sacrificing our identities. Just to be clear I do not think your examples of change in anyway show this latter extreme change.

Edited November 26, 2006 by mybackpages