muslim marriage tips

[honeyblonde 0]

I think from what I've read on this forum that Amal and her husband do have a pretty equal marriage.

I can also relate to the point that the ladies here are trying to make. In my past marriages, I gave and gave, but my ex's just took and took. Now, I still give and give, but the difference is, so does my husband.

Selfishness simply doesn't work in marriage. Neither party can be counting how many times the other did dishes or cleaned the bathroom. Both just have to do all they can and give and only if they see that they are the only one giving is there a problem. As long as both parties are doing their best to please the other, the marriage stays strong. The minute one party starts worrying that they might be doing more than some arbitrarily set percentage of the work, there will be problems.

There will be times when one party will do all the giving because the other is sick or unable to give for some other reason, but in a good marriage, it will not always be the same party doing all the giving.

An example from my current marriage: When Abdel first started working here he was not prepared physically for a manual labor job. He came home and crashed after work every day, and wasn't a whole lot of help on the weekend. During the first few months he worked, I did a larger share of the work. Now, I have finals in 2 weeks and he is doing all of the work so I can study. This give and take is necessary and doesn't mean that one party is taking advantage of the other.

I really think that's all the ladies here were trying to say, don't know, maybe I'm wrong.

[~Jackie~ 30]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

[Jenn! 918]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

I just don't know what to say to this.

[mybackpages 0]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

I think I understand what you are trying to say, but in the early months (pre-10 year card) if the issue of immigration is driving your marriage, then by the time you get to this point, your marriage is in trouble. A couple should enter marriage and begin to work on the marriage period. Immigration matters should not be the issue. Yes it can add a strain or another dimension that other marriages mightnot face, but I am marrying this man from day one our future together is the focus.

[Bosco 1]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

I just don't know what to say to this.

To me this implies either you were not doing what you felt you should be doing as a wife or needed to be doing in the beginning because of his dependency, or that you are stepping it up now to keep him around, or perhaps some combination of the two. Either way, I find it rather troubling.

My husband would not accept less than what he expected in a wife, and which he made quite clear before marriage, because of immigration-related or adjustment-related issues. Likewise, while I hope we will both grown in our marriage, there will not be some drastic change come his 10-year card. If he decides it is time to fly, he can go. I am not going to change who I am at that time because I have been true to myself, true to what I feel a wife should be, this entire time.

[doodlebug 3]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

I think I understand what you are trying to say, but in the early months (pre-10 year card) if the issue of immigration is driving your marriage, then by the time you get to this point, your marriage is in trouble. A couple should enter marriage and begin to work on the marriage period. Immigration matters should not be the issue. Yes it can add a strain or another dimension that other marriages mightnot face, but I am marrying this man from day one our future together is the focus.

Of course only Jackie can say what she truly meant but my take on it is that the man is a lot more dependent on the wife in the first two years of coming here because we are much better acclamated to the society and how to function in it, therefore we are the more dominant. As he gets more accustomed to how to maneuver life in the US, that role changes and you either have to accept that your role changes as well, i.e. you are not now always showing him how to do this and that, you probably won't be the major breadwinner, etc. anymore, or you might have some resistance since perhaps he assumed that he would be the more dominant one once he got his feet wet.

Every relationship's dynamic is different of course. Some men work better in the submissive role, some thrive in a 50/50 relationship and some prefer taking on the dominant position in the relationship. Mine happens to be the latter which works perfect for us since I thrive on being the more submissive one. This will definitely be hard for me when he gets here since I will have to be in charge, but once he gets settled in I will love him being the more dominant one. I guess it comes down to what works for you.

[Bosco 1]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

I think I understand what you are trying to say, but in the early months (pre-10 year card) if the issue of immigration is driving your marriage, then by the time you get to this point, your marriage is in trouble. A couple should enter marriage and begin to work on the marriage period. Immigration matters should not be the issue. Yes it can add a strain or another dimension that other marriages mightnot face, but I am marrying this man from day one our future together is the focus.

Of course only Jackie can say what she truly meant but my take on it is that the man is a lot more dependent on the wife in the first two years of coming here because we are much better acclamated to the society and how to function in it, therefore we are the more dominant. As he gets more accustomed to how to maneuver life in the US, that role changes and you either have to accept that your role changes as well, i.e. you are not now always showing him how to do this and that, you probably won't be the major breadwinner, etc. anymore, or you might have some resistance since perhaps he assumed that he would be the more dominant one once he got his feet wet.

Every relationship's dynamic is different of course. Some men work better in the submissive role, some thrive in a 50/50 relationship and some prefer taking on the dominant position in the relationship. Mine happens to be the latter which works perfect for us since I thrive on being the more submissive one. This will definitely be hard for me when he gets here since I will have to be in charge, but once he gets settled in I will love him being the more dominant one. I guess it comes down to what works for you.

Learning/showing someone how to do things does not make them submissive or dominant unless you frame it that way.

[mybackpages 0]

Of course only Jackie can say what she truly meant but my take on it is that the man is a lot more dependent on the wife in the first two years of coming here because we are much better acclamated to the society and how to function in it, therefore we are the more dominant. As he gets more accustomed to how to maneuver life in the US, that role changes and you either have to accept that your role changes as well, i.e. you are not now always showing him how to do this and that, you probably won't be the major breadwinner, etc. anymore, or you might have some resistance since perhaps he assumed that he would be the more dominant one once he got his feet wet.

Every relationship's dynamic is different of course. Some men work better in the submissive role, some thrive in a 50/50 relationship and some prefer taking on the dominant position in the relationship. Mine happens to be the latter which works perfect for us since I thrive on being the more submissive one. This will definitely be hard for me when he gets here since I will have to be in charge, but once he gets settled in I will love him being the more dominant one. I guess it comes down to what works for you.

Yes i understand what you are saying but it seems so foreign to my way of thinking. I can;t imagine entering into a marriage where I have to be in charge because he is so new to this country. I do not plan on showing how to do this or that. I will be dependent on him and he will be dependent on me the way marriage couples depend on each other. His adjustment is his adjustment and he needs to process this on his own. I'll be there for support, but not to hold his hand and walk him through everything.

You are correct that every relationship has different dynamics, but to me this would be dynamics that could lead to serious problems after a couple of years.

[peezey 0]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

I just don't know what to say to this.

First, not everyone in this group had an SO "come" here via a fiance/spouse visa. Which means not everyone's experience here is driven by what you are saying. And I still can't quite figure out what it is you are saying. For instance, my SO was here on a different visa altogether for many, many years, and didn't need me in order to stay here, come here, work here, show him how things worked (he had already been here 9 years by the time we married) etc, but of course we had to adjust his status once we were married because that is the law. And so now he does have a 10 year GC, and my role as his wife is different? I honestly don't get it. Immigration is the least of our worries, and we have had some really sh!t azz things we had to deal with in that regard. But now that he has his 10 year, he can start expecting me to do what? The only thing that's changed in the last 5 years is he knows what to get for me at the grocery store without me having to write it down each time.

[~Jackie~ 30]

I can speak from the perspective of having crossed that point. Not many on VJ stay around to offer their point of view from the backside of the 10 year card being issued.

I certainly didn't mean to ruffle anyone's feathers here. Just wanted to share what I have learned in the last 4 years from my own experiences and the experiences of many couples I have befriended over the years.

Jackie

[peezey 0]

I can speak from the perspective of having crossed that point. Not many on VJ stay around to offer their point of view from the backside of the 10 year card being issued.

I certainly didn't mean to ruffle anyone's feathers here. Just wanted to share what I have learned in the last 4 years from my own experiences and the experiences of many couples I have befriended over the years.

Jackie

I'm really not trying to be obtuse, but can you give an example of what you mean? I honestly don't understand what you are saying. Truly, I'm not being sarcastic, I'm trying to understand because I think I'm misunderstanding you.

[doodlebug 3]

Yes i understand what you are saying but it seems so foreign to my way of thinking. I can;t imagine entering into a marriage where I have to be in charge because he is so new to this country. I do not plan on showing how to do this or that. I will be dependent on him and he will be dependent on me the way marriage couples depend on each other. His adjustment is his adjustment and he needs to process this on his own. I'll be there for support, but not to hold his hand and walk him through everything.

You are correct that every relationship has different dynamics, but to me this would be dynamics that could lead to serious problems after a couple of years.

Well I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I were moving to Egypt I certainly wouldn't want to be thrown to the wolves. I would expect that he'd help me all he could with things like learning the subway/bus system, showing me how the whole money thing works, etc.

I guess I'm not understanding what you are saying. When your husband gets here you will not help him out at all? I know I must not be getting your point. Sometimes I hate the internet because it's hard to know where someone is coming from.

[Bosco 1]

Yes i understand what you are saying but it seems so foreign to my way of thinking. I can;t imagine entering into a marriage where I have to be in charge because he is so new to this country. I do not plan on showing how to do this or that. I will be dependent on him and he will be dependent on me the way marriage couples depend on each other. His adjustment is his adjustment and he needs to process this on his own. I'll be there for support, but not to hold his hand and walk him through everything.

You are correct that every relationship has different dynamics, but to me this would be dynamics that could lead to serious problems after a couple of years.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. My husband wanted to find his own way. Of course there were things I showed him and there are things he has shown me. For the most part, he wanted to tackle things on his own, and I also thought this was best. He asked for help when he needed it, as I ask him for help with things. I in no way showed him how to do new things for the first time each and every time.

One example that comes to mind is AOS. The spouse is adjusting their status, yet it seems the USC often does the paperwork. My husband took care of this on his own. Not saying it cannot/should not be done the other way, but that for me, the normal thing was for him to handle something as important as that on his own since it was for him.

I think this sort of goes back to the whole infantalization thing. If his assimilation is made into a dominant/submissive thing, it can set an unhealthy foundation that will lead to problems.

[peezey 0]

Yes i understand what you are saying but it seems so foreign to my way of thinking. I can;t imagine entering into a marriage where I have to be in charge because he is so new to this country. I do not plan on showing how to do this or that. I will be dependent on him and he will be dependent on me the way marriage couples depend on each other. His adjustment is his adjustment and he needs to process this on his own. I'll be there for support, but not to hold his hand and walk him through everything.

You are correct that every relationship has different dynamics, but to me this would be dynamics that could lead to serious problems after a couple of years.

Well I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I were moving to Egypt I certainly wouldn't want to be thrown to the wolves. I would expect that he'd help me all he could with things like learning the subway/bus system, showing me how the whole money thing works, etc.

I guess I'm not understanding what you are saying. When your husband gets here you will not help him out at all? I know I must not be getting your point. Sometimes I hate the internet because it's hard to know where someone is coming from.

What I'm taking from Sophia's post is not that she won't help him, but that helping/suporting him will not put her in a dominant role, it is just one thing she will do as part of her relationship with him. Just because she has to show him how to make a bank deposit doesn't mean she is taking on a motherly role with him. It's not the basis of a marriage, it's just a part of something you'd do for someone, anyone, who moves here.

You choose the dynamic you create in your relationship. Adjustment might cause some tension, just because it will be hard, but it certainly shouldn't make your relationship one of infantalizing your husband for 2 years until he feels comfortable with the freeway exits.

Edited November 26, 2006 by peezey

[mybackpages 0]

Yes i understand what you are saying but it seems so foreign to my way of thinking. I can;t imagine entering into a marriage where I have to be in charge because he is so new to this country. I do not plan on showing how to do this or that. I will be dependent on him and he will be dependent on me the way marriage couples depend on each other. His adjustment is his adjustment and he needs to process this on his own. I'll be there for support, but not to hold his hand and walk him through everything.

You are correct that every relationship has different dynamics, but to me this would be dynamics that could lead to serious problems after a couple of years.

Well I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I were moving to Egypt I certainly wouldn't want to be thrown to the wolves. I would expect that he'd help me all he could with things like learning the subway/bus system, showing me how the whole money thing works, etc.

I guess I'm not understanding what you are saying. When your husband gets here you will not help him out at all? I know I must not be getting your point. Sometimes I hate the internet because it's hard to know where someone is coming from.

I know I am a slow processer and not always clear at exprerssing exactly what I mean here too. Let me try again.

I'm not saying I wont help my husband adjust. I will be available for whatever he needs from me as support. I do not see my role as taking the initative in helping him adjust. He will learn as he goes along. He is likely to suffer from culture shock. It won't be smooth and easy, but it is his process to go through. My role is just there for support- to be the wife. In oder to acclimate to a new culture he has to take ownership of his adjustment. I can;t make him adjust. The adjustment has nothing to do with me. It's all internal in him.

I tell my fiance, that he may find it difficult to adjust here, but at the end of everyday, he will be able to take refuge in our home, where things are a little more like his expectations of life because we share the same values and expectations of home, family and friends.

If i were to go to Morocco. I would always be asking questions about what this means or how does this operate. There is a huge adjustment to make in any culture. I remember how difficult the little daily things were to figure out when I was living in Rome (esp since my Italin was limited) I was so proud of myself the first time I navigated my way through the bank and came out with money. If I were in Morocco, my adjustment is my adjustment and all my husband can do is love me, support me and encourage me.