muslim marriage tips

[Bosco 1]

I do make it a point to thank my husband for the little things. For when I am in a pissy mood and he does his best to lighten my spirit. For taking care of me when I was sick, for remembering some of my favorite foods when he was at the store, etc. Maybe it is expected since he is my husband, but it sure feels good to be appreciated. In turn, he also thanks me for the little things as well. This is what works for us.

I definitely think we should appreciate and show appreciation for these things. I mean more when a person is saying "my husband spoils me...... he comes home every night". Or when a woman tells you about her husband being verbally cruel but then attempting to justify it when she says "he is sweet....... he put away the dishes last night". It seems in some cases the whole measure of what is normal is askew. Of course we should never take our spouses for granted, but I also don't think certain acts should be elevated to something more than what they are (and this is often done in trying to explain away serious problems).

[mybackpages 0]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I know that is not what I was getting at. I think some of what we are guilty of is that we view these marriages through American lenses. All this talk about husbands being heads of households, Aericans are tainted by years (unconsious mostly) of western beliefs rooted deep in a male dominated- sometimes misogynic- ideology. A MENA spouse was raised in a culture with a completely different social and religious history.

Every culture has norms for the role of men and women. The american culture still struggles with what these roles should be and how they should be defined. The woman's civil rights movement challenged some long standing cultural norms and this impacted both men and women. The industrial revolutoin has the same impact.

I guess my point is we can't measure MENA cultural norms through our lenses. The muslim women I know who are in charge of the money (and yes it is a generalizetion, but it is true more than it is not true in the 20 years I have been part of this community) do not act as if they are lettng their husbands think they are the boss when thhe women know they really are. This division of finacial responsibility is seen as a social norm- that is to say- keeping the finances is withinthe scope of the women's responsibility.

The problem is from the western POV she must be stepping ourside the norm. She isn;t.

[Bosco 1]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I know that is not what I was getting at. I think some of what we are guilty of is that we view these marriages through American lenses. All this talk about husbands being heads of households, Aericans are tainted by years (unconsious mostly) of western beliefs rooted deep in a male dominated- sometimes misogynic- ideology. A MENA spouse was raised in a culture with a completely different social and religious history.

Every culture has norms for the role of men and women. The american culture still struggles with what these roles should be and how they should be defined. The woman's civil rights movement challenged some long standing cultural norms and this impacted both men and women. The industrial revolutoin has the same impact.

I guess my point is we can't measure MENA cultural norms through our lenses. The muslim women I know who are in charge of the money (and yes it is a generalizetion, but it is true more than it is not true in the 20 years I have been part of this community) do not act as if they are lettng their husbands think they are the boss when thhe women know they really are. This division of finacial responsibility is seen as a social norm- that is to say- keeping the finances is withinthe scope of the women's responsibility.

The problem is from the western POV she must be stepping ourside the norm. She isn;t.

I think it is a combination of viewing things through American lenses and some men realizing the women do not know the real norms and playing off this ignorance. They sell them this vision of this is what they should have and how it should be and the women buys into it because of her western POV of MENA roles.

[mybackpages 0]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I know that is not what I was getting at. I think some of what we are guilty of is that we view these marriages through American lenses. All this talk about husbands being heads of households, Aericans are tainted by years (unconsious mostly) of western beliefs rooted deep in a male dominated- sometimes misogynic- ideology. A MENA spouse was raised in a culture with a completely different social and religious history.

Every culture has norms for the role of men and women. The american culture still struggles with what these roles should be and how they should be defined. The woman's civil rights movement challenged some long standing cultural norms and this impacted both men and women. The industrial revolutoin has the same impact.

I guess my point is we can't measure MENA cultural norms through our lenses. The muslim women I know who are in charge of the money (and yes it is a generalizetion, but it is true more than it is not true in the 20 years I have been part of this community) do not act as if they are lettng their husbands think they are the boss when thhe women know they really are. This division of finacial responsibility is seen as a social norm- that is to say- keeping the finances is withinthe scope of the women's responsibility.

The problem is from the western POV she must be stepping ourside the norm. She isn;t.

I think it is a combination of viewing things through American lenses and some men realizing the women do not know the real norms and playing off this ignorance. They sell them this vision of this is what they should have and how it should be and the women buys into it because of her western POV of MENA roles.

Anyone every heard the term "cultural roadbumps"? I think it is soooo common in bi-national marriages. You atwo are just moving so smoothly down the road of life and then BUMP. Someone says something or does something and our cultural perceptions kick in and we might as well have seen and heard two different things. I think this is what causes most disconnects in a bi-national mariage. Once you can get out of your own shoes and see something for what it is from your partners POV the easier it is to keep moving down the road.

[Jenn! 918]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

[mybackpages 0]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

I understand exactly what you mean. I hate cars and Idir loves them. I love to cook and idir doesn't. It happens to fall along traditional lines, but so what? If I have to go and change te oil in the car I can and if he needs to prepare dinner he can.

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

so you are saying men are more mechanically inclined?

[Jenn! 918]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

so you are saying men are more mechanically inclined?

I said my man is more mechanically inclined than this woman.

[cbd2cai 0]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

so you are saying men are more mechanically inclined?

PLEASE, let's not go there!! I've taken a cooking class and an auto repair class!! I can change the oil in my car if I want . . . but I prefer not too only because I don't have the tools and the time. I have to eat so I will cook . . . just so happens that I find baking cookies very soothing . . . and not so dirty as trying to repair a car!

[peezey 0]

Anyone every heard the term "cultural roadbumps"? I think it is soooo common in bi-national marriages. You atwo are just moving so smoothly down the road of life and then BUMP. Someone says something or does something and our cultural perceptions kick in and we might as well have seen and heard two different things. I think this is what causes most disconnects in a bi-national mariage. Once you can get out of your own shoes and see something for what it is from your partners POV the easier it is to keep moving down the road.

My original questions was based on the Muslim article and so I really did want to understand how these things are reconciled in a muslim marriage, although I realize culture is a significant part of the "answer", especially when we are talking about bi-cultural marriages, no matter both spouses being muslim.

What you say is certainly true, and we cannot expect a bi-cultural marriage to succeed if we cannot remove ourselved from our POV to see the other, and not just see it but accept some things that might seem quite contrary to our own experiences growing up, our parents' partnerships, or our previous marriages.

Still, I would like to know someday how to reconcile the things I asked about earlier. But, they've been long-standing questions I've had, for many years, and since I haven't been able to get an answer yet, that's probably indication they are very hard to answer.

[Jenn! 918]

Still, I would like to know someday how to reconcile the things I asked about earlier. But, they've been long-standing questions I've had, for many years, and since I haven't been able to get an answer yet, that's probably indication they are very hard to answer.

I'm not Muslim, but I think I have an answer. Religion does not change as quickly as society does. Simple as that. All of those "rules" are outdated.

[Together4ever 1]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I know that is not what I was getting at. I think some of what we are guilty of is that we view these marriages through American lenses. All this talk about husbands being heads of households, Aericans are tainted by years (unconsious mostly) of western beliefs rooted deep in a male dominated- sometimes misogynic- ideology. A MENA spouse was raised in a culture with a completely different social and religious history.

Every culture has norms for the role of men and women. The american culture still struggles with what these roles should be and how they should be defined. The woman's civil rights movement challenged some long standing cultural norms and this impacted both men and women. The industrial revolutoin has the same impact.

I guess my point is we can't measure MENA cultural norms through our lenses. The muslim women I know who are in charge of the money (and yes it is a generalizetion, but it is true more than it is not true in the 20 years I have been part of this community) do not act as if they are lettng their husbands think they are the boss when thhe women know they really are. This division of finacial responsibility is seen as a social norm- that is to say- keeping the finances is withinthe scope of the women's responsibility.

The problem is from the western POV she must be stepping ourside the norm. She isn;t.

I think it is a combination of viewing things through American lenses and some men realizing the women do not know the real norms and playing off this ignorance. They sell them this vision of this is what they should have and how it should be and the women buys into it because of her western POV of MENA roles.

Anyone every heard the term "cultural roadbumps"? I think it is soooo common in bi-national marriages. You atwo are just moving so smoothly down the road of life and then BUMP. Someone says something or does something and our cultural perceptions kick in and we might as well have seen and heard two different things. I think this is what causes most disconnects in a bi-national mariage. Once you can get out of your own shoes and see something for what it is from your partners POV the easier it is to keep moving down the road.

Like I said before... if someone EXPECTS difference, woot there it is.

If not, acceptance of what is steps in and no more bump.

[morocco4ever 63]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

so you are saying men are more mechanically inclined?

I have done auto repair work and my husband knows not one thing about it. Blows that theory doesn't it!

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

We try to avoid labelling our roles according to either of our cultural upbringing. Nothing bothers me more than the idea that a certain type of work is "women's work" while another type is "men's work". If Wadi asks me to do something citing the reason as "because you're a woman", that really upsets me, and I ask him to phrase it differently. I don't know, maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't mind doing most of the cooking and cleaning. But that's because I'm better at it than he is, not because I think it's my job. If I ask him to look at something wrong with my car, it's not because I think that's a man's job, but because it's something I don't know how to do.

I don't know if this makes any sense. Perhaps I'm just calling one thing another here.

so you are saying men are more mechanically inclined?

I have done auto repair work and my husband knows not one thing about it. Blows that theory doesn't it!

but it sure is fun baiting the trap for jenn

[sarachid 0]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I don't necessarily agree with this either, because I feel both should hold the cards (actually, I don't like game metaphors about marriage either - so I think both should be equal partners in a marriage ); however, women here have stated that the man *is* their leader and their shepherd and they want it that way - not that they only want him to *think* he is.

You know, I have been in charge of everything for so many years I would gladly give up a lot of the responsibilities. Not that he would be in charge, just responsibilities I am tired of. But you are right, a marriage should be a partnership. I was just being flippant.

i'm the same way about being in charge for years I can't wait until I can pass it off to Rachid.... I did agree with your response... it was correct.... I would not want to be in charge of the family like that in that way... it is a huge responsibility and stress....