muslim marriage tips

[doodlebug 3]

It makes sense that those who have power over others will be judged for what they do and how they use that towards/over/with other people.

This goes right along with the fact that everyone is judged for their own actions.

But that includes the actions that you do under the influence of others.

While someone over you is responsible for thier actions towards you, you are responsible for your own actions, regardless of others.

If someone's husband told them, convinced them and made them think it was absolutely okay to kill someone (yes, extreme example) does that make it okay???

Everyone is responsible for his or her OWN actions.

Absolutley, but it still remains that the husband is also responsible for telling and teaching her to kill in the first place. To me it's similar to Catholicism in that the priests are supposedly held to a higher standard because they are in a position of authority and are supposed to be leading their flock. If they abuse that authority or teach them wrong then they are going to be judged for what the have done.

[sarachid 0]

Since there are a few of us who have upcoming marriages, insha Allah, in the next month or two I thought I'd start a thread with some tips for the muslim marriage and being a good muslim wife. I got these from some very kind woman on an Islam board for women that I belong to.

"‘Abd al-Malik said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother Umamah came in to her, to advise her, and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment, whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) choose what is best for you and protect you.’”

She was taken to her husband, and the marriage was a great success; she gave birth to kings who ruled after him.

Jamaharah khutab al-'arab, 1/145"

===================================================================

islamtdoday.net

"Ten ways to achieve lasting love:

Since marital love is prone to sickness and even death, it is imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve it.

Husbands and wives must do the following:

1. They have to get in the habit of saying things that are positive, like offering compliments and like making little prayers for each other.

A husband could say to his wife: “If I were sent back to the days of my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyone besides you.” Of course, the wife can easily say something similar to her husband.

Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have, indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain access to what is not theirs.

Sweet words arouse a woman’s heart. A husband should take care to say them to his wife before someone else does.

2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habit of doing those little things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife asleep, he can cover her and tuck her into bed.

A husband can give his wife a call from work just to say hello and to let her know that he is thinking about her.

If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give him a little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will not be aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working even though he is asleep and he may very well be aware of it.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little things, “…even the morsel of food that you place in your wife’s mouth…” [sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding to the expenditure of a man for his wife’s needs. Nonetheless, the Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he did for a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet peace be upon him) conducted himself with his family.

This type of behavior is governed by the tastes of the people involved. It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a lot of effort.

A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed just hearing about them and may prefer to leave matters the way they are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that he might see as ridiculous.

Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if we do not want our problems to go on forever.

3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each other. They should talk about the past; reminisce about the good times. Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had happened only yesterday. They should talk about the future and share their hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present, both the good and bad of it, and discuss different ways to solve their problems.

4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship. This is not just for times of intimacy, but at all times, like when sitting in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless of the fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed to have people see them walking in public with their wives at their sides.

5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it is required. When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she may need her husband to lend her a little moral support. He should take her mental state into consideration. Medical experts attest to the fact that when women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they suffer from psychological stress that can aversely affect their behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her husband’s support. She needs him to let her know how much she means to him and how much he needs her in his life.

Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of difficulties. The wife must take these things into consideration. If people want their relationship to last, they must let each other feel that support.

6. There have to be some material expressions of love. Gifts should be given, sometimes without there being any occasion for it, since a pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is one that expresses feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive, but it has to be appropriate for the other’s tastes and personality; something that will be cherished.

7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more tolerant of each other and overlook one another’s shortcomings. It should become a habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and not even bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is a sign of noble character.

A woman said to `آ’ishah: “When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about what might have happened.” [sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

Ibn Hajar explains her words as follows:

They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does not make a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth. If he brings something for the house, he does not enquire about it later on. He does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might see at home but instead is clement and tolerant.

It is wrong to go overboard in considering the faults of others but when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our good qualities.

There is a tradition that goes: “One of you sees the dust in his brother’s eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own.”

8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding when it comes to matters of mutual concern, like the raising of children, work, travel, expenses, and problems that might pose a threat to the marital relationship.

9. Husbands and wives need to do things to liven up their relationship. Each one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital life and bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits when it comes to relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments, decorating their home, and in relating to each other both openly and intimately. These are the things that keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.

10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing one’s spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of other men. Some even compare them with the faces they see in magazines and on television. Women also compare their husbands with other women’s husbands in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and it can ruin the marital relationship.

If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those who have less going for them than ourselves. Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Look towards those who are beneath you and do not look towards those who are above you. This is better so that you do not belittle Allah’s blessings.” [sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we have will be a lot if we utilize it well.

It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss and go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful in what they say. They just like to brag.

The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because we are not looking at it up close."

Thanks for this.... I am going to print and make little reminders for myself... it never hurts to refresh my thoughts and words....

[Sofiyya 1,687]

It makes sense that those who have power over others will be judged for what they do and how they use that towards/over/with other people.

This goes right along with the fact that everyone is judged for their own actions.

But that includes the actions that you do under the influence of others.

While someone over you is responsible for thier actions towards you, you are responsible for your own actions, regardless of others.

If someone's husband told them, convinced them and made them think it was absolutely okay to kill someone (yes, extreme example) does that make it okay???

Everyone is responsible for his or her OWN actions.

Absolutley, but it still remains that the husband is also responsible for telling and teaching her to kill in the first place. To me it's similar to Catholicism in that the priests are supposedly held to a higher standard because they are in a position of authority and are supposed to be leading their flock. If they abuse that authority or teach them wrong then they are going to be judged for what the have done.

Being responsible for one's actions doesn't differ in marriage or outside of marriage. It is imperative upon the male or the female to act and teach responsibily, after all, it is not unknown for a wife to have authority that could put her in a position to mislead others. Mother Khadijah was qawaam over her husband, our Nabi. She was a wealthy business owner and his employer, much richer, tribally affiliated while he was a tribal orphan. She supported him, financed his prophethood and they supported each other in their journey thru life. When she died around the same time as his Uncle Talib, he lost his tribal affiliation, which he had thru marriage, and had to reestablish his ties once again.

Another wife was his advisor for negotiating war treaties. Others owned businesses to support the home. The Prophet himself did not treat his wives as though he had authority over them, even to the point of being admonished by God for trying too hard to please them (Q 66:1), and by Umer for allowing them "too much" input. Authority in the home is not based on gender. Q4:34 renders it conditional upon the ability to provide.

Something else to consider; fiqh law exempts wives from cooking, cleaning, child rearing. It is an OPTION, not an obligation for wives. The only obligation a wife has is to be sexually available for her husband. There is a long tradition in the Gulf states of upper class women taking advantage of their exemption to pursue other passions and leaving the home to servants.

We are each responsible for our own acts before God, whether we teach or have authority over other mortals, or not. Our responsibility is to God, and to Him we will answer based on how well we handled our obligations to Him in whatever position we held. As caliphs, we represent the faith and how well we do so will be judged. We cannot place our own acts upon another, nor can we answer for anyone else. We only answer for ourselves, flock or no flock.

Edited November 23, 2006 by szsz

[amal 4]

definitely some good points of views here I think everybody has a different take on the subject. I personally like to do things that make my husband proud of me. Not that I "need" it to survive..but it just makes me feel good. This makes him want to do things to make me proud of him and in turn makes us both very happy together. Everything I do in the home, I take into consideration how he is going to feel about it. If it just drives him crazy to see things out of order on the table, I'll make sure to straighten it up and he knows I do it just for him. He just loves me for that. It is the smallest things sometimes that make the biggest impact on each other. I have been told by some ppl that what I do is wrong but hey..it makes me happy and isn't that what it is all about anyway? .... ok i'm done rambling hehehe

[doodlebug 3]

I have to say that it's nice that we can civily agree to disagree in this thread.

[amal 4]

I have to say that it's nice that we can civily agree to disagree in this thread.

amen to that doodle

[~Jackie~ 30]

Amal I agree with you on so many points. Everything I do in our home, everything I buy, everything I prepare to eat, is with Mohammed in mind. He is the king of the castle and he knows it. In turn, this has created an atmosphere of respect and contentment in our house.

Jackie

[Aymerlu 3]

How about being yourselves, respecting each other, caring for each other, and never forgetting why you wanted to be together in the first place? (shorter list)

[peezey 0]

Amal I agree with you on so many points. Everything I do in our home, everything I buy, everything I prepare to eat, is with Mohammed in mind. He is the king of the castle and he knows it. In turn, this has created an atmosphere of respect and contentment in our house.

Jackie

Goodness, I hope I'm reading this wrong. I thought respect is earned, and not because you spend your time thinking about what your husband wants to eat, but because of your values. And not because you spend your time thinking about his food and what to buy for him, but because you are a valuable person. I hope you had each other's respect prior to marriage, not just after the fact has this atmosphere of respect come because you agree with his assertion he's king of the castle (say what!?). When you marry someone you are committed to respecting them, it isn't only given in exchange for them making you their every thought and that seems an awfully high price to get some respect.

This isn't anything to do with Islam. Thankfully, though, Islam very specifically outlines responsibilities of a husband and wife, none of which refer to the husband as the boss of anyone. Now, if this works for you, fine, but do not cloak it under the veil of Islam, because that's just false.

[doodlebug 3]

Amal I agree with you on so many points. Everything I do in our home, everything I buy, everything I prepare to eat, is with Mohammed in mind. He is the king of the castle and he knows it. In turn, this has created an atmosphere of respect and contentment in our house.

Jackie

Goodness, I hope I'm reading this wrong. I thought respect is earned, and not because you spend your time thinking about what your husband wants to eat, but because of your values. And not because you spend your time thinking about his food and what to buy for him, but because you are a valuable person. I hope you had each other's respect prior to marriage, not just after the fact has this atmosphere of respect come because you agree with his assertion he's king of the castle (say what!?). When you marry someone you are committed to respecting them, it isn't only given in exchange for them making you their every thought and that seems an awfully high price to get some respect.

This isn't anything to do with Islam. Thankfully, though, Islam very specifically outlines responsibilities of a husband and wife, none of which refer to the husband as the boss of anyone. Now, if this works for you, fine, but do not cloak it under the veil of Islam, because that's just false.

That is of course your opinion but there are scholars out there that I have quoted that believe otherwise. I respect your ability to disagree though.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

This isn't anything to do with Islam. Thankfully, though, Islam very specifically outlines responsibilities of a husband and wife, none of which refer to the husband as the boss of anyone. Now, if this works for you, fine, but do not cloak it under the veil of Islam, because that's just false.

We agree on this, peezy. It pains me to know that there are Muslims who blame Islam for the cultural notion that women are subordinate to men, within marriage or out. But, there are. However people want to conduct their relationship is up to them, but blame the oft cited (male) scholars, not the faith for that idea.

Edited November 24, 2006 by szsz

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Best marriage advice I've ever read?

Don't Get Angry - a little fiqh on anger and good character

It isn't loading at the moment, but check back later.

For us, making salat together always helps to strengthen our relationship. Reading Qur'an together, listening to Qur'an together, and reading and discussing a religious book together are other spiritually oriented things that are important in a relationship.

[Bosco 1]

That is of course your opinion but there are scholars out there that I have quoted that believe otherwise. I respect your ability to disagree though.

There are scholars out there that say all kinds of things, justify suicide bombings, locking women away, etc. God never commanded us to follow scholars but did give us brains.

[jordanianprincess 0]

It's nice to see that people are taking the arab civilization back to what it was 100 years ago.

You know there are ways to respect your partner and still remain equal to them. Being a good wife has nothing to do with being muslim. Being a good husband has nothing to do with being muslim. If you are a good person and respect your partner, then thats all you need to do.

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, those things don't make anyone a good partner. Some of the things I am hearing in this thread are absoulutly shocking. It's as if your men have brainwashed you into believing that this is what arab women do. Maybe the arab women 100 years ago did, but in today's day and age most women work. When you are working and contributing half or more to the household then you are already helping alot.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

It's nice to see that people are taking the arab civilization back to what it was 100 years ago.

You left out a zero.