muslim marriage tips

[sarah and hicham 3]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

I think everyone should read peezey's response to what rahma posted.

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Trains, wha?

I'm just bored and tired but not sleepy...

And the sheep videos were kinda funny but WEIRD. Those guys must have been really f'in bored or high on something to make those.

BRB, I'm off to find a goat to star in my next movie "The Art of Foosball and Making Goat Cheese"

[mybackpages 0]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

I think everyone should read peezey's response to what rahma posted.

What did I miss? drats now i have to got back and search

[peezey 0]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

I think everyone should read peezey's response to what rahma posted.

What did I miss? drats now i have to got back and search

Not much, I just asked something similar earlier.

[Together4ever 1]

Ahhhhhh... the fine art of generalizations and "the other guy".

[morocco4ever 63]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

[Bosco 1]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I don't necessarily agree with this either, because I feel both should hold the cards (actually, I don't like game metaphors about marriage either - so I think both should be equal partners in a marriage ); however, women here have stated that the man *is* their leader and their shepherd and they want it that way - not that they only want him to *think* he is.

ETA: I actually think you are right - it is the case in most marriages I know. However, not want I wanted in my own marriage.

Edited November 30, 2006 by Bosco

[morocco4ever 63]

I can't get the sheep videos to work!

[morocco4ever 63]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I don't necessarily agree with this either, because I feel both should hold the cards (actually, I don't like game metaphors about marriage either - so I think both should be equal partners in a marriage ); however, women here have stated that the man *is* their leader and their shepherd and they want it that way - not that they only want him to *think* he is.

You know, I have been in charge of everything for so many years I would gladly give up a lot of the responsibilities. Not that he would be in charge, just responsibilities I am tired of. But you are right, a marriage should be a partnership. I was just being flippant.

[Bosco 1]

All this talk about men as the head of the household and shepard of the flock makes me wonder come most muslim households I know the women are in charge of all the money and the men get allowances. Who is really the head and what does that mean?

Now you have hit the nail on the head. The key is that the men THINK they are in charge, and we let them think that. But lets face it, the women hold all of the cards in a marriage. Now I have to go back and see those sheep videos.

I don't necessarily agree with this either, because I feel both should hold the cards (actually, I don't like game metaphors about marriage either - so I think both should be equal partners in a marriage ); however, women here have stated that the man *is* their leader and their shepherd and they want it that way - not that they only want him to *think* he is.

You know, I have been in charge of everything for so many years I would gladly give up a lot of the responsibilities. Not that he would be in charge, just responsibilities I am tired of. But you are right, a marriage should be a partnership. I was just being flippant.

It has been wonderful having my husband here to help with all the responsibilities I have been shouldering alone for a while (and I hope yours is soon there with you).

On another note, I think sometimes people fall in the trap of making this something bigger than it really is. There are certain things both people should do in a marriage, basics, that should be automatic. However, I often hear women saying "he is a good man, he comes home each night" or "he spoils me because he takes care of the yard and my car". Aren't these things expected? Not saying we shouldn't appreciate them, but that these are not *special* things or extras (or should not be IMO). Reminds me of Chris Rock's standup from many years ago, although I would not repeat the language he used He did a bit about people wanting credit for what they should normally be doing. I think many people are also quick to give credit for what should be normal behavior, as if being treated nicely by your husband is above and beyond, rather than a reasonable expectation. I know past experiences can play into this, but I also think we have to be careful not to lower our standards. When ordinary behavior rises to the level of "sweet", I think the scale is broken.

[Aymerlu 3]

You know, if a women WANTS her husband to be the leader, so be it, whatever makes her happy. To each their own. I'm just perfectly content with each person giving equally Both of us coming from previous bad marriages, We both went into our marriage knowing exactly what the other person was like and what we both expected out of a marriage. He knows I'm strong willed and am set in my ways on some things just as he is. I have been repeatedly told how he will "make me do this or that" or "he will change you." Nothing like that at all. I don't want him to change and he doesn't want me to change.

[Bosco 1]

You know, if a women WANTS her husband to be the leader, so be it, whatever makes her happy. To each their own. I'm just perfectly content with each person giving equally Both of us coming from previous bad marriages, We both went into our marriage knowing exactly what the other person was like and what we both expected out of a marriage. He knows I'm strong willed and am set in my ways on some things just as he is. I have been repeatedly told how he will "make me do this or that" or "he will change you." Nothing like that at all. I don't want him to change and he doesn't want me to change.

I agree, if both parties are happy with their arrangement, nothing is wrong.

The question was raised if it is possible for the man to be leader if he isn't the breadwinner, or primary breadwinner. If the woman *must* work in order for the bills to be paid, can he still be leader of the house?

[Aymerlu 3]

You know, if a women WANTS her husband to be the leader, so be it, whatever makes her happy. To each their own. I'm just perfectly content with each person giving equally Both of us coming from previous bad marriages, We both went into our marriage knowing exactly what the other person was like and what we both expected out of a marriage. He knows I'm strong willed and am set in my ways on some things just as he is. I have been repeatedly told how he will "make me do this or that" or "he will change you." Nothing like that at all. I don't want him to change and he doesn't want me to change.

I agree, if both parties are happy with their arrangement, nothing is wrong.

The question was raised if it is possible for the man to be leader if he isn't the breadwinner, or primary breadwinner. If the woman *must* work in order for the bills to be paid, can he still be leader of the house?

I think this would depend on their relationship. My husband is talking behind me right now and he says it's not a matter of being a "leader" it's a matter of doing what needs to be done. For example, he isn't working now so he does a lot of the housework, cooking and walks to the the kids from school (I'm so lucky!) while I work. So he says we are both equal leaders in the home, in his words, meaning there is no leader since we work together as a unit to make the family work. He says even kids can be leaders at times. (I think we'll have to dicuss this later! LOL) He also said the Prophet Muhammed was helping with the housework along with his wives and Muhammed said the best man is the good helper for his family.

Edited November 30, 2006 by Aymerlu

[Bosco 1]

You know, if a women WANTS her husband to be the leader, so be it, whatever makes her happy. To each their own. I'm just perfectly content with each person giving equally Both of us coming from previous bad marriages, We both went into our marriage knowing exactly what the other person was like and what we both expected out of a marriage. He knows I'm strong willed and am set in my ways on some things just as he is. I have been repeatedly told how he will "make me do this or that" or "he will change you." Nothing like that at all. I don't want him to change and he doesn't want me to change.

I agree, if both parties are happy with their arrangement, nothing is wrong.

The question was raised if it is possible for the man to be leader if he isn't the breadwinner, or primary breadwinner. If the woman *must* work in order for the bills to be paid, can he still be leader of the house?

I think this would depend on their relationship. My husband is talking behind me right now and he says it's not a matter of being a "leader" it's a matter of doing what needs to be done. For example, he isn't working now so he does a lot of the housework, cooking and walks to the the kids from school (I'm so lucky!) while I work. So he says we are both equal leaders in the home, in his words, meaning there is no leader since we work together as a unit to make the family work. He says even kids can be leaders at times. (I think we'll have to dicuss this later! LOL) He also said the Prophet Muhammed was helping with the housework along with his wives and Muhammed said the best man is the good helper for his family.

Sounds like you have a good man. I find the sunnah people choose to call upon can be very telling, and I think it is nice your husband related this one.

[morocco4ever 63]

I do make it a point to thank my husband for the little things. For when I am in a pissy mood and he does his best to lighten my spirit. For taking care of me when I was sick, for remembering some of my favorite foods when he was at the store, etc. Maybe it is expected since he is my husband, but it sure feels good to be appreciated. In turn, he also thanks me for the little things as well. This is what works for us.

As far as being the breadwinner, I honestly don't think my husband will be able to surpass my income, so I am simply looking forward to his income being a nice cushion. I don't see how who makes the most money determines who is "in charge" of the relationship. When I was married before and was a stay at home mom I was still "in charge" of everything. Not by choice but because my ex is a slacker. If I didn't take care of everything it didn't get done. I have made it clear to my husband that I am away at work for 11 hours a day (long commute), and if he wants a home cooked meal then we are doing it together. He balked a little at first, but once I made it clear he agreed. I much prefer a home cooked meal over take out as well, so hopefully he follows through once he is here, otherwise he will have to get used to the food I am used to preparing which is quick rather than his meat and potatoes that he likes.