muslim marriage tips

[sarachid 0]

So, do you have something to contribute to the topic or you just wanted to do a drive-by Mr. Bossy?

I think it's drive by time when the posts go above 200

[amal 4]

Amal - Jackie's post was quite clear. Also, the way you describe your marriage has nothing to do with the so called rules that have been posted. There has been no train wreck or belittling. If someone makes a post, comment, statement then they should be prepared to back it up, very simple. I also wanted to point out that this topic pretty much died yesterday and you revived it today which is were it started to become a so called train wreck.

I agree that it went a bit far on my end but I also admit that when I try to get my point accross, I will talk about it until I feel that my point is understood (it is a bad bad habit of mine). I wasn't online yesterday to really realize it had died..I didn't look at the time of the last post that was "on topic" (no, I wasn't saying this in a snotty way) I didn't even think of when the last comment was said. I just commented on what I read when I logged in again. I do apologize if I was the sole reason for reviving the topic. I think the train wreck happened before I came back though. When I came on this morning, I commented on how the mud started flying when I was gone....... I also agree that my marriage does not exactly apply to the so called rules but I was hoping that I could use my marriage as a somewhat decent example. I was wrong and I sincerely apologize for that. (I hope you'll still share your cookies with me I didn't lick every strawberry in the other thread...I'll share it with you )

There was somebody else I wanted to reply to but just realized I didn't get their quote added and I don't remember who it was (I apologize for that). They asked me why I kept speaking on Jackies behalf. I would like to answer that question. The reason I keep trying to fix what she said is because she and I spoke outside VJ for quite a long time and I got the full meaning of what she was trying to convey. I really thought I could help everybody see her point of view but I have to now accept the fact that I can't make everybody see what I understood. That is ok and I don't hold it against anybody as we are all allowed our opinions. Her thoughts were difficult for me to understand but I did finally see where she was coming from. Personally, what she meant and what she said don't match up exactly (sorry Jackie) and that is another reason I was trying to explain it. I didn't mean any harsh feelings by it. I just like to try to help ppl when I know they are being misunderstood. A lot of times it comes back to bite me in the butt ...and thats ok too..it happens.

I do want to thank those of you who let me know you supported what I was trying to say and let me know that you "got it". Even though you didn't all agree completely you understood the point I was trying to make and supported me. THANKS

amal

[aussiewench 9]

This is the reason so many of the wonderful people who used to share here have stopped posting much, if at all.

All of these wonderful people that you speak of can post whenever they want. We can respond however we want. That's VJ- a public forum.

boohoo.

It might be a public forum but it has a TOS so people cannot respond however they want without consequence.

[sarachid 0]

This is the reason so many of the wonderful people who used to share here have stopped posting much, if at all.

All of these wonderful people that you speak of can post whenever they want. We can respond however we want. That's VJ- a public forum.

boohoo.

It might be a public forum but it has a TOS so people cannot respond however they want without consequence.

[AichaKandisha 0]

To tell one person that their relationship is wrong or bad; you might as well tell them that their DNA is all wrong. It is who they are and no relationship is without it's power struggle. And only the two people in the relationship are the only ones that can work this out among themselves.

So there are 2 options: Either work on yourself before getting into a relationship until you are completely healed from the pain in your past (and everyone has pain-even the most perfect parents and most well-intentioned parents end up hurting their children to some extent); or find a partner who has the capability and wants to grow and is willing to help you grow as well.

I don't see any of this as putting on rose-colored glasses. It speaks truth to me.

That's just my two cents.

You had a very beautiful post! I wanted to comment on these 2 things...THEY ARE EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY THE WHOLE TIME so THANK YOU so much for "nutshelling" it so well. This is the breakdown of all my posts .. I just couldn't get it to come out right in the short way so I tried to use examples to get the point accross. I just had very poor word choices. THANKS AGAIN

amal

Thank you! But for the record, I got what you were saying and what Jackie was saying. IMO, I see no reason as to why you should be apologizing! It's interesting to me to see the people that do apologize and much more interesting to see the people that don't apologize.

[Bosco 1]

Amal - Jackie's post was quite clear. Also, the way you describe your marriage has nothing to do with the so called rules that have been posted. There has been no train wreck or belittling. If someone makes a post, comment, statement then they should be prepared to back it up, very simple. I also wanted to point out that this topic pretty much died yesterday and you revived it today which is were it started to become a so called train wreck.

I agree that it went a bit far on my end but I also admit that when I try to get my point accross, I will talk about it until I feel that my point is understood (it is a bad bad habit of mine). I wasn't online yesterday to really realize it had died..I didn't look at the time of the last post that was "on topic" (no, I wasn't saying this in a snotty way) I didn't even think of when the last comment was said. I just commented on what I read when I logged in again. I do apologize if I was the sole reason for reviving the topic. I think the train wreck happened before I came back though. When I came on this morning, I commented on how the mud started flying when I was gone....... I also agree that my marriage does not exactly apply to the so called rules but I was hoping that I could use my marriage as a somewhat decent example. I was wrong and I sincerely apologize for that. (I hope you'll still share your cookies with me I didn't lick every strawberry in the other thread...I'll share it with you )

There was somebody else I wanted to reply to but just realized I didn't get their quote added and I don't remember who it was (I apologize for that). They asked me why I kept speaking on Jackies behalf. I would like to answer that question. The reason I keep trying to fix what she said is because she and I spoke outside VJ for quite a long time and I got the full meaning of what she was trying to convey. I really thought I could help everybody see her point of view but I have to now accept the fact that I can't make everybody see what I understood. That is ok and I don't hold it against anybody as we are all allowed our opinions. Her thoughts were difficult for me to understand but I did finally see where she was coming from. Personally, what she meant and what she said don't match up exactly (sorry Jackie) and that is another reason I was trying to explain it. I didn't mean any harsh feelings by it. I just like to try to help ppl when I know they are being misunderstood. A lot of times it comes back to bite me in the butt ...and thats ok too..it happens.

I do want to thank those of you who let me know you supported what I was trying to say and let me know that you "got it". Even though you didn't all agree completely you understood the point I was trying to make and supported me. THANKS

amal

If the bolded part is true, then why could this not have been said? Why were people replied to with cursing and told they had on rose-colored glasses if it was simply a matter of the first post not clearly expressing what was meant? If I posted something that was clearly misunderstood, I would attempt to clarify myself rather than what went down.

Sorry Amal, this really all sounds like backpedaling to me, especially being the first post started with the expectation of a negative reaction. And since tone cannot be conveyed, there is no attitude here, just calling it like I see it. I think you are a good friend to Jackie and I think because of this, it is filtering how you see it, rather than how we all see it.

Edited November 28, 2006 by Bosco

[AichaKandisha 0]

This is the reason so many of the wonderful people who used to share here have stopped posting much, if at all.

All of these wonderful people that you speak of can post whenever they want. We can respond however we want. That's VJ- a public forum.

boohoo.

It might be a public forum but it has a TOS so people cannot respond however they want without consequence.

Consequences are nonexistent in this forum, IMO. If/when it would happen, honestly, I wouldn't mind seeing the results.

[amal 4]

Amal - Jackie's post was quite clear. Also, the way you describe your marriage has nothing to do with the so called rules that have been posted. There has been no train wreck or belittling. If someone makes a post, comment, statement then they should be prepared to back it up, very simple. I also wanted to point out that this topic pretty much died yesterday and you revived it today which is were it started to become a so called train wreck.

I agree that it went a bit far on my end but I also admit that when I try to get my point accross, I will talk about it until I feel that my point is understood (it is a bad bad habit of mine). I wasn't online yesterday to really realize it had died..I didn't look at the time of the last post that was "on topic" (no, I wasn't saying this in a snotty way) I didn't even think of when the last comment was said. I just commented on what I read when I logged in again. I do apologize if I was the sole reason for reviving the topic. I think the train wreck happened before I came back though. When I came on this morning, I commented on how the mud started flying when I was gone....... I also agree that my marriage does not exactly apply to the so called rules but I was hoping that I could use my marriage as a somewhat decent example. I was wrong and I sincerely apologize for that. (I hope you'll still share your cookies with me I didn't lick every strawberry in the other thread...I'll share it with you )

There was somebody else I wanted to reply to but just realized I didn't get their quote added and I don't remember who it was (I apologize for that). They asked me why I kept speaking on Jackies behalf. I would like to answer that question. The reason I keep trying to fix what she said is because she and I spoke outside VJ for quite a long time and I got the full meaning of what she was trying to convey. I really thought I could help everybody see her point of view but I have to now accept the fact that I can't make everybody see what I understood. That is ok and I don't hold it against anybody as we are all allowed our opinions. Her thoughts were difficult for me to understand but I did finally see where she was coming from. Personally, what she meant and what she said don't match up exactly (sorry Jackie) and that is another reason I was trying to explain it. I didn't mean any harsh feelings by it. I just like to try to help ppl when I know they are being misunderstood. A lot of times it comes back to bite me in the butt ...and thats ok too..it happens.

I do want to thank those of you who let me know you supported what I was trying to say and let me know that you "got it". Even though you didn't all agree completely you understood the point I was trying to make and supported me. THANKS

amal

If the bolded part is true, then why could this not have been said? Why were people replied to with cursing and told they had on rose-colored glasses if it was simply a matter of the first post not clearly expressing what was meant? If I posted something that was clearly misunderstood, I would attempt to clarify myself rather than what went down.

Sorry Amal, this really all sounds like backpedaling to me, especially being the first post started with the expectation of a negative reaction. And since tone cannot be conveyed, there is no attitude here, just calling it like I see it. I think you are a good friend to Jackie and I think because of this, it is filtering how you see it, rather than how we all see it.

I will say that I didn't bold anything.... I just didn't edit her post. I don't actually agree with the bolded part but its her opinion and that is just fine with me. Everybody is entitled to their opinion.

Secondly, I never once said I agreed with her cursing and saying ppl had rose colored glasses. I said I understood her initial post and maybe in my own defense as well since after speaking with her, I did agree with the intention. I was defending her but also defending my own thoughts. I also see the alternative points of view but I felt that nobody was getting the other side so I was beating the dead horse thinking that I was helping to clarify it. that is why I was apologizing and in no way am I backpedaling. I simply apologized for what I did that was wrong and yes I should have just kept my mouth shut. That was my own fault for trying to explain one side of a story. I should know better than to try to help anybody but oh well..what is done is done. I definitely respect your opinion and I always look forward to what you are going to say. I love getting into debates with you. I like your levelheadedness (sp? is it even a word hehe) I hope this doesn't hinder further discussions between us.

Edited November 28, 2006 by amal

[jordanianprincess 0]

Amal - Jackie's post was quite clear. Also, the way you describe your marriage has nothing to do with the so called rules that have been posted. There has been no train wreck or belittling. If someone makes a post, comment, statement then they should be prepared to back it up, very simple. I also wanted to point out that this topic pretty much died yesterday and you revived it today which is were it started to become a so called train wreck.

I agree that it went a bit far on my end but I also admit that when I try to get my point accross, I will talk about it until I feel that my point is understood (it is a bad bad habit of mine). I wasn't online yesterday to really realize it had died..I didn't look at the time of the last post that was "on topic" (no, I wasn't saying this in a snotty way) I didn't even think of when the last comment was said. I just commented on what I read when I logged in again. I do apologize if I was the sole reason for reviving the topic. I think the train wreck happened before I came back though. When I came on this morning, I commented on how the mud started flying when I was gone....... I also agree that my marriage does not exactly apply to the so called rules but I was hoping that I could use my marriage as a somewhat decent example. I was wrong and I sincerely apologize for that. (I hope you'll still share your cookies with me I didn't lick every strawberry in the other thread...I'll share it with you )

There was somebody else I wanted to reply to but just realized I didn't get their quote added and I don't remember who it was (I apologize for that). They asked me why I kept speaking on Jackies behalf. I would like to answer that question. The reason I keep trying to fix what she said is because she and I spoke outside VJ for quite a long time and I got the full meaning of what she was trying to convey. I really thought I could help everybody see her point of view but I have to now accept the fact that I can't make everybody see what I understood. That is ok and I don't hold it against anybody as we are all allowed our opinions. Her thoughts were difficult for me to understand but I did finally see where she was coming from. Personally, what she meant and what she said don't match up exactly (sorry Jackie) and that is another reason I was trying to explain it. I didn't mean any harsh feelings by it. I just like to try to help ppl when I know they are being misunderstood. A lot of times it comes back to bite me in the butt ...and thats ok too..it happens.

I do want to thank those of you who let me know you supported what I was trying to say and let me know that you "got it". Even though you didn't all agree completely you understood the point I was trying to make and supported me. THANKS

amal

I will always share my cookies with you as long as you don't lick them all

Also, I completly understand what you are saying AND what Jackie is saying. They are just 2 completly seperate things.

Edited November 28, 2006 by jordanianprincess

[sarah and hicham 3]

This is the reason so many of the wonderful people who used to share here have stopped posting much, if at all.

All of these wonderful people that you speak of can post whenever they want. We can respond however we want. That's VJ- a public forum.

boohoo.

It might be a public forum but it has a TOS so people cannot respond however they want without consequence.

Obviously one cannot say anything they want to the extent of insulting, cursing etc. without consequences but I think that is clear. I just hate how Jean acts so above all the drama when she really likes to be in the middle of it. It's very annoying. Jean what is the purpose of pointing that out to us?

[~Jackie~ 30]

I am going to try to make this my last post on this thread. I feel I owe an explanation to the group and a thank you to those that have messaged me in private.

I have communication with many woman that have Jordanian husbands. Some are wives of Mohammed's friends. Some are women I have met online from around the country from other sites. Since some of these friendships are now more than 4 years old, I have seen the outcome of what happens after the SO comes over. More often than not, the wife that steadfastdly swears that nothing will change, finds out in sometimes a bittersweet way that life isn't what she thought it was. I was speaking from the experience of seeing these marriages either fail or succeed. I now know that I could have worded it differently. No one usually takes heed to what I type anyway, this really caught me be suprise.

I apoligize for the mess here and will go back to my 'behind the scenes' support that I offer to the ones that are having a painful wait.

Jackie

[Bosco 1]

Amal - Jackie's post was quite clear. Also, the way you describe your marriage has nothing to do with the so called rules that have been posted. There has been no train wreck or belittling. If someone makes a post, comment, statement then they should be prepared to back it up, very simple. I also wanted to point out that this topic pretty much died yesterday and you revived it today which is were it started to become a so called train wreck.

I agree that it went a bit far on my end but I also admit that when I try to get my point accross, I will talk about it until I feel that my point is understood (it is a bad bad habit of mine). I wasn't online yesterday to really realize it had died..I didn't look at the time of the last post that was "on topic" (no, I wasn't saying this in a snotty way) I didn't even think of when the last comment was said. I just commented on what I read when I logged in again. I do apologize if I was the sole reason for reviving the topic. I think the train wreck happened before I came back though. When I came on this morning, I commented on how the mud started flying when I was gone....... I also agree that my marriage does not exactly apply to the so called rules but I was hoping that I could use my marriage as a somewhat decent example. I was wrong and I sincerely apologize for that. (I hope you'll still share your cookies with me I didn't lick every strawberry in the other thread...I'll share it with you )

There was somebody else I wanted to reply to but just realized I didn't get their quote added and I don't remember who it was (I apologize for that). They asked me why I kept speaking on Jackies behalf. I would like to answer that question. The reason I keep trying to fix what she said is because she and I spoke outside VJ for quite a long time and I got the full meaning of what she was trying to convey. I really thought I could help everybody see her point of view but I have to now accept the fact that I can't make everybody see what I understood. That is ok and I don't hold it against anybody as we are all allowed our opinions. Her thoughts were difficult for me to understand but I did finally see where she was coming from. Personally, what she meant and what she said don't match up exactly (sorry Jackie) and that is another reason I was trying to explain it. I didn't mean any harsh feelings by it. I just like to try to help ppl when I know they are being misunderstood. A lot of times it comes back to bite me in the butt ...and thats ok too..it happens.

I do want to thank those of you who let me know you supported what I was trying to say and let me know that you "got it". Even though you didn't all agree completely you understood the point I was trying to make and supported me. THANKS

amal

If the bolded part is true, then why could this not have been said? Why were people replied to with cursing and told they had on rose-colored glasses if it was simply a matter of the first post not clearly expressing what was meant? If I posted something that was clearly misunderstood, I would attempt to clarify myself rather than what went down.

Sorry Amal, this really all sounds like backpedaling to me, especially being the first post started with the expectation of a negative reaction. And since tone cannot be conveyed, there is no attitude here, just calling it like I see it. I think you are a good friend to Jackie and I think because of this, it is filtering how you see it, rather than how we all see it.

I will say that I didn't bold anything.... I just didn't edit her post. I don't actually agree with the bolded part but its her opinion and that is just fine with me. Everybody is entitled to their opinion.

Secondly, I never once said I agreed with her cursing and saying ppl had rose colored glasses. I said I understood her initial post and maybe in my own defense as well since after speaking with her, I did agree with the intention. I was defending her but also defending my own thoughts. I also see the alternative points of view but I felt that nobody was getting the other side so I was beating the dead horse thinking that I was helping to clarify it. that is why I was apologizing and in no way am I backpedaling. I simply apologized for what I did that was wrong and yes I should have just kept my mouth shut. That was my own fault for trying to explain one side of a story. I should know better than to try to help anybody but oh well..what is done is done. I definitely respect your opinion and I always look forward to what you are going to say. I love getting into debates with you. I like your levelheadedness (sp? is it even a word hehe) I hope this doesn't hinder further discussions between us.

Amal,

I bolded part of your post to show you what I specifically was replying to. I didn't think that you were agreeing with the cursing or rose-colored glasses, but that if she was just misunderstood, her followup replies didn't seem to back this. When our friends post something outrageous, we often try to see it in the best light or give some softer meaning that really isn't there, because we like our friend and we know them to normally think differently. I mean backpedaling in the sense that her words were clear, and trying to soften them because of your understanding of her as a friend really doesn't change what they said.

I think everyone understood what you were saying and most agreed - but saw what you were saying and what was in her post as two totally different things.

Again, I cannot convey tone and nothing here is said with any attitude.

[amal 4]

hehe i'm a dumb butt...i saw what you bolded...sorry .. now I have to go read it ...again sorry

[honeyblonde 0]

this really all sounds like backpedaling to me

You've used this same phrase on me before and here is my response:

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood

From Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I am going to try to make this my last post on this thread. I feel I owe an explanation to the group and a thank you to those that have messaged me in private.

I have communication with many woman that have Jordanian husbands. Some are wives of Mohammed's friends. Some are women I have met online from around the country from other sites. Since some of these friendships are now more than 4 years old, I have seen the outcome of what happens after the SO comes over. More often than not, the wife that steadfastdly swears that nothing will change, finds out in sometimes a bittersweet way that life isn't what she thought it was. I was speaking from the experience of seeing these marriages either fail or succeed. I now know that I could have worded it differently. No one usually takes heed to what I type anyway, this really caught me be suprise.

I apoligize for the mess here and will go back to my 'behind the scenes' support that I offer to the ones that are having a painful wait.

Jackie

Sorry Jackie, but being a Jordanian myself and around them all my life...this is not a cultural thing with us. Men in particular if you are saying Jordanian men would not leave a women because she didn't do those things if they love you. I know plenty of women who don't do a thing around the house and in Jordan more often than not they have maids to do this stuff. It has nothing to do with where you are from. I'm sorry but please don't try to pin this on them being Jordanian.