muslim marriage tips

[Sofiyya 1,687]

wow, I don't come on for 1 day and the thread falls to pieces. What a shame. I thought for once there was a debate that was remaining civil. I guess I was wrong. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing. Everybody has their own points of view and everybody should have the right to explain their own points of view until they have explained it to death OR they have the right to not comment anymore. I don't remember the last time I was so belittled for something I felt so strongly in. It seems no matter how hard I tried to explain myself...that I rode the fence on the subject, somebody had to come along and try to push my face in the mud. (excluding a couple of you ~ you should know who you are) I know it doesn't matter to any of you but I am really disappointed with how this ended up as I was quite enjoying the different ideas until the train wreck. I would really like to talk about this subject in real time (it is so much easier to explain yourself in real time.) I will be happy to talk about it over yahoo if anybody is interested. I will not be a part of the torment that is happening in this thread

amal

I have often thought the same thing, amal, but, may I offer the observation that at least people seem to like you even if they disagree with you. I know I don't "fit in" here and have no MENA "friends" or defenders, but it's just the way the game is played. As I see it, you've got it made coz this won't follow you. Cheer up, sis! Either that, or you can just not give a damn . . .

[AichaKandisha 0]

I just want to throw my two cents in here for what it's worth. I'm sure there will be others coming by shortly to tell me exactly what it's worth. I am including all relationships in all religions.

I am no expert in relationships. I want to make that clear. I have done a lot of research and study into relationships though. I am fascinated with them. As was stated before by another, I too had a horrible marriage that ended in divorce and I wanted to learn from that huge mistake so as to not make the same one again. I had to learn why I ended up in that relationship in the first place.

This is what I have learned and what has made the most sense to me about relationships:

No relationship is perfect.

We attract to us the person that we can learn the most from.

Every person has their own lessons that they need to learn and those lessons are most likely to present themselves in a love relationship.

Some of us have more to learn than others.

Every relationship has its own uniques lessons that present themselves for each partner to learn from.

The most successful relationships are the ones that work through those lessons together and can grow from those lessons.

In every relationship there is give and take.

Every relationship hits a point of a power struggle.

As adults, we very likely repeat familiar relationships that we had when we were younger with our primary care givers. And these relationships end up repeating something painful that we experienced when we were younger in hopes of a different outcome.

Until we have worked through any pain from our past, we will continue to repeat the same pain over and over again until we have learned the lesson that we need to learn.

None of this is apparent on a conscious level. We can't simply choose to say we are going to avoid those lessons/relationships. There is a much deeper drive and attraction to those very situations that cannot be avoided until we have learned that lesson and we won't know completely we've learned the lesson until we enter another relationship or see that those lessons no longer appear in our lives.

To tell one person that their relationship is wrong or bad; you might as well tell them that their DNA is all wrong. It is who they are and no relationship is without it's power struggle. And only the two people in the relationship are the only ones that can work this out among themselves.

So there are 2 options: Either work on yourself before getting into a relationship until you are completely healed from the pain in your past (and everyone has pain-even the most perfect parents and most well-intentioned parents end up hurting their children to some extent); or find a partner who has the capability and wants to grow and is willing to help you grow as well.

As far as religion, no matter what faith you choose, all of them encourage each 'member' to grow to be more accepting, kind and loving to our fellow human beings. And that crosses all lines of religion, culture, ethnicity, etc. to grow to see that every person brings value to another and with each person, a lesson is presented to us if we choose to look at the lesson, instead of judging or criticizing each person and missing the lesson all together.

I don't see any of this as putting on rose-colored glasses. It speaks truth to me.

That's just my two cents.

[mybackpages 0]

I just want to throw my two cents in here for what it's worth. I'm sure there will be others coming by shortly to tell me exactly what it's worth. I am including all relationships in all religions.

I am no expert in relationships. I want to make that clear. I have done a lot of research and study into relationships though. I am fascinated with them. As was stated before by another, I too had a horrible marriage that ended in divorce and I wanted to learn from that huge mistake so as to not make the same one again. I had to learn why I ended up in that relationship in the first place.

This is what I have learned and what has made the most sense to me about relationships:

No relationship is perfect.

We attract to us the person that we can learn the most from.

Every person has their own lessons that they need to learn and those lessons are most likely to present themselves in a love relationship.

Some of us have more to learn than others.

Every relationship has its own uniques lessons that present themselves for each partner to learn from.

The most successful relationships are the ones that work through those lessons together and can grow from those lessons.

In every relationship there is give and take.

Every relationship hits a point of a power struggle.

As adults, we very likely repeat familiar relationships that we had when we were younger with our primary care givers. And these relationships end up repeating something painful that we experienced when we were younger in hopes of a different outcome.

Until we have worked through any pain from our past, we will continue to repeat the same pain over and over again until we have learned the lesson that we need to learn.

None of this is apparent on a conscious level. We can't simply choose to say we are going to avoid those lessons/relationships. There is a much deeper drive and attraction to those very situations that cannot be avoided until we have learned that lesson and we won't know completely we've learned the lesson until we enter another relationship or see that those lessons no longer appear in our lives.

To tell one person that their relationship is wrong or bad; you might as well tell them that their DNA is all wrong. It is who they are and no relationship is without it's power struggle. And only the two people in the relationship are the only ones that can work this out among themselves.

So there are 2 options: Either work on yourself before getting into a relationship until you are completely healed from the pain in your past (and everyone has pain-even the most perfect parents and most well-intentioned parents end up hurting their children to some extent); or find a partner who has the capability and wants to grow and is willing to help you grow as well.

As far as religion, no matter what faith you choose, all of them encourage each 'member' to grow to be more accepting, kind and loving to our fellow human beings. And that crosses all lines of religion, culture, ethnicity, etc. to grow to see that every person brings value to another and with each person, a lesson is presented to us if we choose to look at the lesson, instead of judging or criticizing each person and missing the lesson all together.

I don't see any of this as putting on rose-colored glasses. It speaks truth to me.

That's just my two cents.

Beautiful wisdom we can all learn from. Where were you yesterday?

[AichaKandisha 0]

Beautiful wisdom we can all learn from. Where were you yesterday?

I was too busy in my own little world (getting 'the call') and I completely missed where this thread went. I will probably be kicking myself later and wondering why I didn't just let it pass on by.

[cbd2cai 0]

Beautiful wisdom we can all learn from. Where were you yesterday?

I was too busy in my own little world (getting 'the call') and I completely missed where this thread went. I will probably be kicking myself later and wondering why I didn't just let it pass on by.

Being busy in your own little world is perfectly fine and understandable. But I think you made a positive contribution, so I hope that you won't be kicking yourself later.

Notice . . . I am not commenting on any of this either . . . reading alot with a lot of digesting going on! I am not a relationship expert by a long shot so I have a lot of work to do myself!

[AichaKandisha 0]

Being busy in your own little world is perfectly fine and understandable. But I think you made a positive contribution, so I hope that you won't be kicking yourself later.

Notice . . . I am not commenting on any of this either . . . reading alot with a lot of digesting going on! I am not a relationship expert by a long shot so I have a lot of work to do myself!

Thank you and I hope it's a contribution! We'll see. The more I study, the more I realize that I have quite a bit of room for improvement too! I think that it will be lifelong.

[sarah and hicham 3]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

Oh my... wow, just wow. I can't believe you think it's up to the woman to make or break the relationship when it comes around the time that they might be leaving the woman. The man knows what he wants and he knows what he has been doing since day 1.

Ok so you're saying when it comes to the time that they might leave you that we should start cooking more?

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

Oh my... wow, just wow. I can't believe you think it's up to the woman to make or break the relationship when it comes around the time that they might be leaving the woman. The man knows what he wants and he knows what he has been doing since day 1.

Ok so you're saying when it comes to the time that they might leave you that we should start cooking more?

hiya sarah. let's not rekindle this, shall we?

[~Jackie~ 30]

I refuse to be drawn into this again today. I was stating what I felt, not what the world should believe or feel. My goodness.........can we agree to disagree?

Jackie

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

I refuse to be drawn into this again today. I was stating what I felt, not what the world should believe or feel. My goodness.........can we agree to disagree?

Jackie

no!

[LebaneseMama 1]

Some people are debating on here and are not even married yet.

I don't think there is a difference between Muslim and Christian marriages but what I do think there is a difference between engaged (and apart) and married (and together).

When I was engaged I could so say things like "He loves me and that's all that matters. He won't care if I cook or clean or whatever" and spend all night fighting with you guys over it. I seriously believed it.

Well now that we are married if I don't do my part : cook, clean, bills, homework, my part time job, and etc. If he doesn't do his part : work full time, english school, clean outside, deal with trash, deal with our two cars, fix anyting in the house, clean the tile once a week, and etc. The other party gets a little irritated.

When Ali goes to work all day and comes home and does not find dinner he is supposed to say "It's okay honey I love you and that's all that matters" Ugggggh no. You guys are living in a dream.

He says "How come there's nothing to eat ? " So I say "Oh I was busy blah blah blah" and he says "Well let's come up with something I'm hungry". He doesn't get mad ... but if I didn't cook everyday yes there would be problems in our marriage.

This is a thread for people already married ... not engaged people cuz you guys hardly know what it's like to be married (unless of course you have already been married).

There is nothing ancient about cooking and cleaning for your family. I go to school full time, work part time, and am still able to cook and clean my house. I am PG and my husband helps out .. but he does not let it slide for me to not do anything and say I am "modern".

[Together4ever 1]

discussion + judgementalism = train wreck

woo woo

[Jenn! 918]

I think the point has totally gotten lost here. I don't think anyone said that women should not cook and clean. The objection was to framing your marriage around the immigration timeline. IMO, this assumes that the marriage was entered into for the sole purpose of a green card. By doing things that fit your husband's image of a perfect wife, you can prevent him from leaving when the 10-year green card arrives.

[sarah and hicham 3]

At the risk of negative attention, I have a comment regarding marriage tips. As you get closer to your SO's 10 year card, you might find yourself becoming more of what he expects and wants in a wife.

In this immigration process there is a period of time where your SO comes and is somewhat reliant on you. After a year or two of assimilation, their need of help diminishes and your role changes. It is at this point you can either make your relationship stronger, or give him a reason to leave the marriage. It's in your power.

Jackie

Oh my... wow, just wow. I can't believe you think it's up to the woman to make or break the relationship when it comes around the time that they might be leaving the woman. The man knows what he wants and he knows what he has been doing since day 1.

Ok so you're saying when it comes to the time that they might leave you that we should start cooking more?

hiya sarah. let's not rekindle this, shall we?

Charles I wasn't around yesterday so I am just seeing this for the first time and I ran into Jackie's post. Don't you have my absence documented with screenshots?

I think the point has totally gotten lost here. I don't think anyone said that women should not cook and clean. The objection was to framing your marriage around the immigration timeline. IMO, this assumes that the marriage was entered into for the sole purpose of a green card. By doing things that fit your husband's image of a perfect wife, you can prevent him from leaving when the 10-year green card arrives.

I agree with you Jenn, I also think that it's clear that the marriage was entered for the wrong reasons.

Also, hi! I haven't talked to you for a while!

[amal 4]

Why is it when people disagree on here, everything turns personal? Strong personalities, strong opinions are just words. I thought it was just a passionate discussion. I didn't see a train wreck until everyone started to call it that. Sad really that people are taking all this way too seriously. it continues to amaze me what people want to see in these threads instead of what is there. Are we in HS all over again? jeeze I know I am going regret this post, but I'll just deny any responsibility for my reaction this morning and blame it on the major 6 car accident that I was in yesterday. That's real life and worth losing sleep over. Not this thread.

I see it the same as you MBP. It was a heated discussion, nothing more, until the trainwreck accusations entered. I think there are lots of sensitive skins here that think strongly expressing and defending your opinion is a fight, or when their opinion gets knocked down it is an attack on them rather than their opinion.

And I offer no excuses for this post. Hope you are not feeling too sore today You better be home resting or we are coming after you and dragging you home.

I didn't see it as a train wreck as well..It was getting a bit heated but we were all being quite civil until the train wreck comments came. I am not trying to get back into the mud slinging ..I wanted to keep the peace and have a nice debate.

I didn't know u were in a car accident!!! I hope you are ok and YOU HAD BETTER BE RESTING!

wow, I don't come on for 1 day and the thread falls to pieces. What a shame. I thought for once there was a debate that was remaining civil. I guess I was wrong.....

amal

I have often thought the same thing, amal, but, may I offer the observation that at least people seem to like you even if they disagree with you. I know I don't "fit in" here and have no MENA "friends" or defenders, but it's just the way the game is played. As I see it, you've got it made coz this won't follow you. Cheer up, sis! Either that, or you can just not give a damn . . .

I dunno if they like me or not but I will say that I like to try my best to be a voice of reason (wether it is here or in real life..this is just the way I am ... take it or leave it) A lot of things have followed me especially things concering Islam and that just breaks my heart. I still come around because well hey, if I leave, who will put ppl in their corners when they're bad right? hehehe

To tell one person that their relationship is wrong or bad; you might as well tell them that their DNA is all wrong. It is who they are and no relationship is without it's power struggle. And only the two people in the relationship are the only ones that can work this out among themselves.

So there are 2 options: Either work on yourself before getting into a relationship until you are completely healed from the pain in your past (and everyone has pain-even the most perfect parents and most well-intentioned parents end up hurting their children to some extent); or find a partner who has the capability and wants to grow and is willing to help you grow as well.

I don't see any of this as putting on rose-colored glasses. It speaks truth to me.

That's just my two cents.

You had a very beautiful post! I wanted to comment on these 2 things...THEY ARE EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY THE WHOLE TIME so THANK YOU so much for "nutshelling" it so well. This is the breakdown of all my posts .. I just couldn't get it to come out right in the short way so I tried to use examples to get the point accross. I just had very poor word choices. THANKS AGAIN

amal

Some people are debating on here and are not even married yet.

I don't think there is a difference between Muslim and Christian marriages but what I do think there is a difference between engaged (and apart) and married (and together).

When I was engaged I could so say things like "He loves me and that's all that matters. He won't care if I cook or clean or whatever" and spend all night fighting with you guys over it. I seriously believed it.

Well now that we are married if I don't do my part : cook, clean, bills, homework, my part time job, and etc. If he doesn't do his part : work full time, english school, clean outside, deal with trash, deal with our two cars, fix anyting in the house, clean the tile once a week, and etc. The other party gets a little irritated.

When Ali goes to work all day and comes home and does not find dinner he is supposed to say "It's okay honey I love you and that's all that matters" Ugggggh no. You guys are living in a dream.

He says "How come there's nothing to eat ? " So I say "Oh I was busy blah blah blah" and he says "Well let's come up with something I'm hungry". He doesn't get mad ... but if I didn't cook everyday yes there would be problems in our marriage.

This is a thread for people already married ... not engaged people cuz you guys hardly know what it's like to be married (unless of course you have already been married).

There is nothing ancient about cooking and cleaning for your family. I go to school full time, work part time, and am still able to cook and clean my house. I am PG and my husband helps out .. but he does not let it slide for me to not do anything and say I am "modern".

I think the point has totally gotten lost here. I don't think anyone said that women should not cook and clean. The objection was to framing your marriage around the immigration timeline. IMO, this assumes that the marriage was entered into for the sole purpose of a green card. By doing things that fit your husband's image of a perfect wife, you can prevent him from leaving when the 10-year green card arrives.

what LB says is what Jackie meant (i think, jackie correct me if I'm wrong) only Jackie put it VERY bluntly...short and to the point (possibly even a bad choice of wording) and that is why she was so misunderstood and things went so out of control. I want to elaborate more but I think short is better this time.