Can his parents force him to marry somebody else?

[Mel&Lal 12]

I spent 3 out of the last 7 months in one of our India offices on work assignments, so I had a chance to talk with some local colleagues about alot of things, including marriage.

The whole country is still pretty much liivng in the 1700's.

-In India, the parents have complete control over the child until they marry. (As an example, employees must sign a "contract" whenever they get hired stating that they will remain with the company for at least 1 or 2 years, depends. If a person breaks the contract, he must pay the company back a specified amount- "training costs". We had a 30 year old guy sign and then he tried to back out and his father came in to talk to our MD to try to get him out of the contract for free.) Children who live at home (most live with parents until they marry and then a lot continue to live with parents) pretty much do whatever their parents tell them to. The fear is that if they disobey they may be shunned from the family forever.

-About 85-90% of all marriages in India are arranged.

-The caste system is still very much existant and the family won't let a person marry below their caste. If they have such strong opinions about American women, they may see that as marrying below his caste. That's a very big deal there.

-Some women's families have to pay a dowry to the man's family for the privilage of marriage. Has your fiancee mentioned this to you at all?

In my opinion, if your fiancee is not strong-willed, he will end up marrying a local arranged girl. The parents have a lot of control there. If he goes against his family's wishes, is he prepared to live without his family's contact? Are you willing to let him get shunned or banished from his family for you?

These things seem very weird to us, but they are a very big deal over there. Things to think about for both of you.

Oh yes he told me about the dowry and how much his dad got for his brothers and he told me that his dad could take everything away from him. I told him that I don't want him to be banished from his family but he keeps telling me I am his family now and that he wants a life with me and to not worry, that his family will come around one day, and that it will have to take patience. My father was not quit approving to when he first found out but has now accepted our engagement.

My fiance wants to move to another city so his dad wont keep popping up with more pictures of girls for him to marry, but with saving up money for medical exam, visa, and plane ticket, and now he wanting to move, I can feel his stress when we talk on the phone.

[Mel&Lal 12]

You do realize that the father probably thinks that not getting married in front of him is disrespectful?

We was suppose to have the wedding ceremony at first in India, and I was the one that was going to drop everything to move to India also, but since this all has happen my fiance told me to petition for fiance visa and we will live in USA. He always telling me my happiness is most important to him!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Is this the part that is a joke?

If you don't see what is insulting about that, then we can't help you.

Interesting, not only cultural attaches extraordinarires but also internet therapists too.

Amazing.

I simply adore VJ, it's a cacophony of characters.

[Mel&Lal 12]

Oh yes he told me about the dowry and how much his dad got for his brothers and he told me that his dad could take everything away from him. I told him that I don't want him to be banished from his family but he keeps telling me I am his family now and that he wants a life with me and to not worry, that his family will come around one day, and that it will have to take patience. My father was not quit approving to when he first found out but has now accepted our engagement.

My fiance wants to move to another city so his dad wont keep popping up with more pictures of girls for him to marry, but with saving up money for medical exam, visa, and plane ticket, and now he wanting to move, I can feel his stress when we talk on the phone.

I also feel his dad might be a little greedy to, because he also said there is not chance that he will get dowry for his son now!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

For what it's worth I'm learning about India culture.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Gowon

[Mel&Lal 12]

For what it's worth I'm learning about India culture.

I am happy we are providing a learning experience here on VJ!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I am happy we are providing a learning experience here on VJ!

Rounds of beers then

[chaine1 116]

I simply adore VJ, it's a cacophony of characters.

hehehe...I feel the same way!

But honestly, do you really not understand what's offensive about the statemtn 'American women don't make good wives, mothers and are not very family oriented?'

I can think of sooo many examples where this is not true. My own mother included. And I think I'm a pretty good wife. Just because, maybe in your experiences, you may have found this to be true, does not mean it is a universal truth. How many American women have you married and had children with??

Edited May 28, 2013 by chaine1

[Darnell 8,479]

For what it's worth I'm learning about India culture.

If you have free time, get to yer local library and check out 5 random bollywood movies,

then

watch them all, twice,

taking copious notes on how the family is getting upset for the woman not marrying the man the parents found for her.

Report back, when yer done. VJ is not really a good place to learn about Indian Culture unless you really are using the advanced search tool.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

hehehe...I feel the same way!

But honestly, do you really not understand what's offensive about the statemtn 'American women don't make good wives, mothers and are not very family oriented?'

I can think of sooo many examples where this is not true. My own mother included. And I think I'm a pretty good wife. Just because, maybe in your experiences, you may have found this to be true, does not mean it is a universal truth. How many American women have a married and had children with??

There are good and bad Womenfolks from all walks of life and countries. My stance has no strong foothold and I was just being a twit on a lazy Tuesday morning. You should NEVER take Gowon serious in Off Topic zone.

If you have free time, get to yer local library and check out 5 random bollywood movies,

then

watch them all, twice,

taking copious notes on how the family is getting upset for the woman not marrying the man the parents found for her.

Report back, when yer done. VJ is not really a good place to learn about Indian Culture unless you really are using the advanced search tool.

Whadaheck Darnell, I don't want to get an MBA on India

I learn a lot on countries on here. For example the Phillipines and the no divorce thingies.

[Darnell 8,479]

Whadaheck Darnell, I don't want to get an MBA on India

Why not? along the way, you learn about roti john, roti prahta, and how to cook masala from scratch. It's a goodness, always.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

We was suppose to have the wedding ceremony at first in India, and I was the one that was going to drop everything to move to India also, but since this all has happen my fiance told me to petition for fiance visa and we will live in USA. He always telling me my happiness is most important to him!

So you volunteered to move to India and your fiancee is the one who pushed to move to the US? Are you 100% sure he's thinking about your happiness and not his own (in the US)? Just a question, I'm not implying anything.

[Darnell 8,479]

So you volunteered to move to India and your fiancee is the one who pushed to move to the US? Are you 100% sure he's thinking about your happiness and not his own (in the US)? Just a question, I'm not implying anything.

Whoops.

The 'messy' meter just pegged past the 100 percent mark. Concur. Something's amok at home, this thing.

[Mel&Lal 12]

So you volunteered to move to India and your fiancee is the one who pushed to move to the US? Are you 100% sure he's thinking about your happiness and not his own (in the US)? Just a question, I'm not implying anything.

Both of us agreed I would move to India. The plans changed on my way to the airport.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

Oh yes he told me about the dowry and how much his dad got for his brothers and he told me that his dad could take everything away from him. I told him that I don't want him to be banished from his family but he keeps telling me I am his family now and that he wants a life with me and to not worry, that his family will come around one day, and that it will have to take patience. My father was not quit approving to when he first found out but has now accepted our engagement.

My fiance wants to move to another city so his dad wont keep popping up with more pictures of girls for him to marry, but with saving up money for medical exam, visa, and plane ticket, and now he wanting to move, I can feel his stress when we talk on the phone.

Like I said, I have spent a lot of time in India recently (the food sucks-btw ), and the the underlined part sounds like the exact opposite of everybody that I met. Family is the most important thing in their lives. We closed an office in Mumbai and opened another one in a different city and we offered transfers to pretty much everybody, and out of the 75 had, the majority declined the transfer due to various resaons, but mostly family. And the ones who did accept to move were already looking at the best way to move their families to this new city since they are probably the only college educated members of their respective families, so they often support the whole bunch.

What I'm trying to say is his attitude towards banishment by his family would be a little bit of a red flag to me. I don't want to put doubts in your head but it's better that you examine these things now rather than after you spend a lot of time and money to bring him over to find out he has alterior motives. I'm sure you've read some of the horror stories on this site. All those people thought they were in love, and some even saw small red flags and decided to ignore them.