jokes...

[LuzyC 0]

A 93 years old woman, was devastated over the recent death of her husband, so without telling any of her friends or family she decided to kill herself hoping she could be with him again.

She took out her deceased husband's old pistol and had decided to shoot herself in the heart. Wondering about the exact location of her heart and not wanting to miss and end up a burden to any of her family and friends she called her doctor. Her doctor said, "Since you're a woman your heart is just below your left breast". The next day, the headline in the paper read, " Lady, 93, admitted to local hospital with gun shot wound to the knee."

Gravity saved her life!

[GaryC 7]

A 93 years old woman, was devastated over the recent death of her husband, so without telling any of her friends or family she decided to kill herself hoping she could be with him again.

She took out her deceased husband's old pistol and had decided to shoot herself in the heart. Wondering about the exact location of her heart and not wanting to miss and end up a burden to any of her family and friends she called her doctor. Her doctor said, "Since you're a woman your heart is just below your left breast". The next day, the headline in the paper read, " Lady, 93, admitted to local hospital with gun shot wound to the knee."

Gravity saved her life!

Thats the best one yet!!!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

A 93 years old woman, was devastated over the recent death of her husband, so without telling any of her friends or family she decided to kill herself hoping she could be with him again.

She took out her deceased husband's old pistol and had decided to shoot herself in the heart. Wondering about the exact location of her heart and not wanting to miss and end up a burden to any of her family and friends she called her doctor. Her doctor said, "Since you're a woman your heart is just below your left breast". The next day, the headline in the paper read, " Lady, 93, admitted to local hospital with gun shot wound to the knee."

Gravity saved her life!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Mitch Hedberg left this world way too early. A great comedian.

Here's some of his comical genius...

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the sh!t does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps sh!t fresh. Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that

[mRx 16]

A yo mama joke-

yo momma calls me beavis, cuz she gives me nothin but head.

[LuzyC 0]

SCHOOL EXCUSES

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.

Please execute him.

Please excuse Anna for being absent.

She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent

on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.

Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.

He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because

she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.

He had diahre dyrea direathe the nutss.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go

Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.

We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,

and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.

We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.

She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.

He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.

She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,

sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,

fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached

all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There

must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

..joke only..

[LuzyC 0]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a

restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

[LuzyC 0]

Mother - in - Law

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any

skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to

donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable

would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would not tell no one about

where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very

delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new

beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and

on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with

emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How

can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks

I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[LuzyC 0]

The Pope Learns Difference Between' Dems' and Republicans .

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

Submitted by SeaDogBytes!

..joke only..

[Fandango 1,439]

Mitch Hedberg left this world way too early. A great comedian.

Holy #######, he died?!!?

He was awesome ....RIP Mitch

[Fandango 1,439]

'Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullsh!t replica, 'cause dude didn't even get his degree'

'I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. "Hey, you're using that machine to its exact purpose!'

'Every time I walk by a spy shop I think, I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like a Spray and Wash can. That would create better situations. "Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt…with documents!'

'I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird'

'I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said "it's a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end'

'When you go a resturant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list. They say, "Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufranes.'

I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.Unless you're a table."

'I especially hate turtlenecks. Like wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.'

'I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the donut. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that donut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for donut.'

'I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. How are you supposed to show that you are mad? Zip the tent up really fast?'

'If you find yourself lost in the woods, ** it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!'

'I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the ###### gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the ###### gave me the "donate it to charity" slice'

Aww man, poor Mitch

Edited December 1, 2006 by LisaD

[LuzyC 0]

Sex drive

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and ask for his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped staight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

[JaJo 1]

Sex drive

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and ask for his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped staight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

________________________________________________________________________________

______

=: A Holiday Greeting from Our Lawyers :=

(Oh, well... so much for "Happy Holidays")

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscientious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday (unless you are in the southern hemisphere where it is a summer solstice holiday), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

Also a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

Please check with your physician before accepting this, or any other greetings.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

TICKLE ME ELMO:

There is a factory in N Minnesota which makes the Tickle ME ELmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Leana is hired at the factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 AM

The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door the foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factor floor. When they get there the line is so backed up there are Tickle M E's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle M E's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but i think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday......

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Joey559 1]

FOR MY FRIENDS IN MICHIGAN:

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps

out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker

lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing

some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the

street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up

again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde

says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

Soon he hits another red light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and

runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she

lowers it, he says......

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the

SALT TRUCK!"