jokes...

[almaty 19]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

stupid puns..........

. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The

ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll

serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and

says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does

this taste funny to you?"!

6. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says

to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't

believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman, The kids were

nothing to look at either.

8. Déja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

9. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

10. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other

and says "Dam!"

11. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire

in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't

have your kayak and heat it too.

12. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile

mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Savanphil 3]

10. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other

and says "Dam!"

[one...two...tree 2,762]

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does

this taste funny to you?"!

That's funny in a creepy kind of way.

[JaJo 1]

12. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile

mystic hexed by halitosis.

[LaL 418]

8. Déja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

oooh very useful!

[littlepoem 0]

A kindergarten teacher wanted to try an experiment with her class of 5 year olds to see how well their tastebuds were developed at that age. So, she blind folded them all and gave them a cherry lifesaver and asked them what kind it was. All of the children started yelling "ITS CHERRY, ITS CHERRY". Very good said the teacher and gave them all a grape lifesaver. The children immediately started to yell "IT'S GRAPE, IT'S GRAPE. Very good said the teacher and went on through all the other flavors and the children guessed them all. Then, the teacher produced a new lifesaver which nobody has ever had before. It was a honey flavored one. She gave all the children one and said "ok children, what flavor is this one?" the room was silent.....not even one guess.so the teacher said " i will give you a hint, it is something your mommy calls your daddy.........suddenly a little girl stands up in the back and screams......."QUICK, SPIT THEM OUT EVERYONE....THEY'RE A** HOLES.

hope i didn't offend anyone

[almaty 19]

[whenwillithappen 0]

what did the banana say to the vibrator?

" i dont know what your shaking for, shes gonna eat me!"

[Savanphil 3]

what did the banana say to the vibrator?

" i dont know what your shaking for, shes gonna eat me!"

[LuzyC 0]

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during

break time and one turns to the other asking,

"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in

the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

[Mags 112]

[LuzyC 0]

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to

his toes.

"Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92

today.

Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer

every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy

Birthday,toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know

you're 92 today. -Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the

parade?

Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little

#######, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."

[LuzyC 0]

>Heavenly Vacation

>

>

>Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined

>

>to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything

>

>that would identify them as clergy

>

>

>As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some

>

>really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

>

>

>The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

>

>

>They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and

>

>the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless

>

>female in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

>

>

>They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and

>

>

>said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father,"

>

>

>nodding and addressing each of them individually as she passed on by.

>

>

>They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

>

>

>The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more

>

>outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them

>

> before you even saw them.

>

>

>Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their

>

>chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while the same

>

> gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet

>

>time, came walking toward them.

>

>

>Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good Morning,Father. Good

>

>

>Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

>

>

>One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady".

>

>

>"Yes, Father?", sHe said.

>

>

>"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests dressed as we are?"

>

>

>"Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Steven Wright has kinda faded into obscurity but here's some of his one-liners...

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

What's another word for thesaurus?

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

[almaty 19]

good stuff...sister luzy and brother steve..funny...