Divorce/separation

[Holly2234 66]

I havent been around here for a while due to my husband monitoring all of my internet use so i have only just been able to get back on here at a friends house.

I was married for 1.5 years before we moved to the US and we have a 2 year old daughter together and the marriage was entered into entirely in good faith.

Since we got back here, things havent been going well. He (the American) has been saying i cant go to work, i cant have the friends i made etc etc... He has turned into a complete controlling mommys boy! That is not what he was like when we did not live here.

Anyway, i told him i didnt want to be together any more. He ignored it for the most part, ive been sleeping on the couch for a couple of months. We were separated but living in the same house because i had nowhere to go. I then slept with my best friend (no nasty comments people, its part of the story) thinking my marriage was over. My husband found out and gave me three options. 1. I can have everything in the house but i have to sign over custody of our daughter. 2. fight him in court and he has (apparently) a lawyer who will get me deported for adultery. Not sure how much i believe of that one! 3. Stay with him and try to work things out. So i stayed and tried to work it out simply for the sake of our daughter.

Its not working. He has stolen our daughters passports and refuses to give them back. They are at his parents house. He is accessing my email accounts and changing passwords so i cant get on them and generally just trying to force me to stay with him. I have since found out many of the things he told me about himself are not true after meeting more of his friends and family. I cant trust him what so ever. He doesnt communicate with me and is constantly trying to catch me out in some way or another. I cant live like this for much longer, i end up panicking and not being able to do my job when it gets close to the time i have to go home.

I have two jobs and im completely able to support myself with no assistance from him or the government. I want 50/50 shared custody of our daughter for her sake and im willing to walk away with none of our possessions. I just need out before this man destroys my life.

Where do i stand with regards to my 2 year conditional green card? It was issued on October 22nd 2012. I need to make sure i stay here because this is my daughters home and her family is here and i have also made a life for myself. I am trying to be reasonable but he just refuses and has the opinion that if he cant have me, nobody else can either, not even our daughter. How does the divorce work? If i am to file, can it go through even if he is not cooperative? What about custody of our daughter? How easy is that to sort out if anyone has been through that recently? I am in NY if that helps at all.

I may be slow getting back to you guys so im sorry but i will definitely be back when i have access to a computer again. Thank you all in advance.

[Tygrys 143]

You need to talk to family law/divorce lawyer as soon as possible.

On the immigration issue, you will be able to remove conditions on your own without his cooperation or approval.

Edited May 1, 2013 by Tygrys

[Caryh 5,206]

Divorce is handled under state and local laws, so you need to research divorcing locally. Wikipedia has some of the basics for your state.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_divorce_law

You can get all types of advice on a divorce here, but odds are its for another state and totally wrong for your state. Even natural born Americans tend to assume divorce is basically the same everywhere in this country.

He can not have you deported or removed from the country, even if adultery occurred in the marriage, so don't let that scare you. You will file to remove conditions on your own based on a divorce, either when the divorce is final or if your ROC time comes up and the divorce is still in process.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I havent been around here for a while due to my husband monitoring all of my internet use so i have only just been able to get back on here at a friends house.

I was married for 1.5 years before we moved to the US and we have a 2 year old daughter together and the marriage was entered into entirely in good faith.

Since we got back here, things havent been going well. He (the American) has been saying i cant go to work, i cant have the friends i made etc etc... He has turned into a complete controlling mommys boy! That is not what he was like when we did not live here.

Anyway, i told him i didnt want to be together any more. He ignored it for the most part, ive been sleeping on the couch for a couple of months. We were separated but living in the same house because i had nowhere to go. I then slept with my best friend (no nasty comments people, its part of the story) thinking my marriage was over. My husband found out and gave me three options. 1. I can have everything in the house but i have to sign over custody of our daughter. 2. fight him in court and he has (apparently) a lawyer who will get me deported for adultery. Not sure how much i believe of that one! 3. Stay with him and try to work things out. So i stayed and tried to work it out simply for the sake of our daughter.

Its not working. He has stolen our daughters passports and refuses to give them back. They are at his parents house. He is accessing my email accounts and changing passwords so i cant get on them and generally just trying to force me to stay with him. I have since found out many of the things he told me about himself are not true after meeting more of his friends and family. I cant trust him what so ever. He doesnt communicate with me and is constantly trying to catch me out in some way or another. I cant live like this for much longer, i end up panicking and not being able to do my job when it gets close to the time i have to go home.

I have two jobs and im completely able to support myself with no assistance from him or the government. I want 50/50 shared custody of our daughter for her sake and im willing to walk away with none of our possessions. I just need out before this man destroys my life.

Where do i stand with regards to my 2 year conditional green card? It was issued on October 22nd 2012. I need to make sure i stay here because this is my daughters home and her family is here and i have also made a life for myself. I am trying to be reasonable but he just refuses and has the opinion that if he cant have me, nobody else can either, not even our daughter. How does the divorce work? If i am to file, can it go through even if he is not cooperative? What about custody of our daughter? How easy is that to sort out if anyone has been through that recently? I am in NY if that helps at all.

I may be slow getting back to you guys so im sorry but i will definitely be back when i have access to a computer again. Thank you all in advance.

You're living in a severly toxic condition and I can't believe that you haven't gotten out yet. You said that you have 2 jobs so you should be able to get your own place.

I'm mostly certain that a Legal Aid place in your local will fall over themselves to help you out since you have a child.

Self dignity, happiness, safety, self worth should be higher priority than immigration especially since you're from a country that is relatively easy to set back up in if push comes to shove.

Good luck.

[Brian1967## 119]

Well I am sorry to here about your problem:(

Your future ex is a real #######.

Call the police see if they can help you get your passports back, you will need these they are YOUR property and the property of the UK.

Do not work things out file for divorce and if he keeps after you get a Restraining Order so he will stay away

No matter what fight for your child, fight like you never have before, like it is the fight of your life:) Keep safe and stay clear of him. He is a total loser.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

First, he cannot "have you deported". He could write in an report you, but it's not illegal or a deportable thing... so ignore that #######.

Secondly, I would file for divorce as well as an Order of Protection (OP) or No Contact Order. He sounds very unstable... "if I can't have you no-one will" is scary.

I understand him taking the passports, he was probably worried you would hop on a plane and disappear with his daughter. Technically they're his to look after too because he is also her guardian. You could ask the Judge to have him return them but as you're the one that could flee... you never know.

None of us can promise what will happen where divorce/child custody is concerned. There are so many variables. I will tell you that it is in your best interest to plan your departure and divorce filing/OP filing at the same time. If you can show the court that you have stable employment, a safe residence for the child (rather than couch surfing etc) your chances of primary physical custody are greater improved (that's not taking her away, she would just live with you for longer and have whatever visitation with him or vice versa). Tht's not to say NOT having a residence is bad, it just looks better when the Judge reads the paperwork and sees that you're self-supporting. I would see an attorney without him knowing, and have him served with the documents on the same day you move out. That protects you and your child.

Regarding immigration, once the divorce is final you need to file ROC immediately OR during the 90 day window, whichever is first. You will need proof of relationship/bonafide marriage.

Edited May 2, 2013 by Vanessa&Tony

[Holly2234 66]

Thanks everyone. I'm currently saving for a deposit on an apartment, thats why I'm hanging fire a bit and also needed a bit of guidance on the immigration side of things.

[Darnell 8,478]

Holly -

for removal of conditions, there's a tickbox covering divorce.

When you are divorced, file the ROC stuff that same week. You'll need to show all the regular evidence of a bonafide marriage (covered in the instructions) so think to gather that evidence now, as you'll need it later.

any claims he makes to have you deported are fallacious - he can't do it. USCIS doesn't grant him that power, much to his detriment. That's just him being more of a windbag, so plan accordingly.

re: the divorce stuff - STUDY what's done in yer state. Make time to STUDY about it, for the wording of divorce decrees when there's a child involved. I can't repeat myself enough here - STUDY !!!

Go Get Em !

[InHisTime 110]

You've got good advises in here....just keep focus on the right thing to do. Be strong, take care of yourself and your child...and, always Pray to God to give you hope, wisdom, and strength. You will be over this soon. God bless you and your daughter.

[Holly2234 66]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I have a pretty good update. I moved out of his house yesterday and into my own apartment with a room mate. I have been able to relax for the first time in months and its the best feeling ever! Money is tight so i cant file for divorce yet. I only earn minimum wage and now my working hours are restricted due to child care. I left the house we shared yesterday taking only my clothes and half of our daughters clothes. He didnt even know that we had moved out i took so little. I told him in a text that we have our own apartment and we will be doing 50/50 shared custody of our daughter. I will have her while he works and he will have her when i work. I had my new work hours approved by my employer prior to doing this. I took her to his house this morning at the arranged time so im really hoping he gives her back to me on sunday as we agreed.

Last week he closed the joint account taking every penny we had and he didnt pay the rent on our house. He paid it today when he found out i left and had the locks changed. My suspicion is that he was trying to get us evicted so that i would be homeless and he could take the baby. Fortunately i was one step ahead of him and had looked at an apartment the same day i found this out!

So, im a free woman and it is wonderful. I have the kindest room mate who is looking out for me and a great (for the people, not the pay!) job which has been very flexible with my requests. The other job not so much but i am still counting myself as lucky to have it to begin with! I also have some great friends who i have met over here. So it really is onwards and upwards. Im hoping he will file for divorce and pay for it since that is the next step but i will still be saving up for it to file myself if he doesnt.

I found out he has been messaging my family telling them horror stories about the thing ive been doing (in his mind, none of it is the truth!) so im going to message them today for the first time in weeks and tell them i really am alive! I cut contact for a few weeks while i was planning to get out. I didnt want to leave a trail of what i was doing or have outside influences in my decision making. I hope they believe me over him!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I have a pretty good update. I moved out of his house yesterday and into my own apartment with a room mate. I have been able to relax for the first time in months and its the best feeling ever! Money is tight so i cant file for divorce yet. I only earn minimum wage and now my working hours are restricted due to child care. I left the house we shared yesterday taking only my clothes and half of our daughters clothes. He didnt even know that we had moved out i took so little. I told him in a text that we have our own apartment and we will be doing 50/50 shared custody of our daughter. I will have her while he works and he will have her when i work. I had my new work hours approved by my employer prior to doing this. I took her to his house this morning at the arranged time so im really hoping he gives her back to me on sunday as we agreed.

Last week he closed the joint account taking every penny we had and he didnt pay the rent on our house. He paid it today when he found out i left and had the locks changed. My suspicion is that he was trying to get us evicted so that i would be homeless and he could take the baby. Fortunately i was one step ahead of him and had looked at an apartment the same day i found this out!

So, im a free woman and it is wonderful. I have the kindest room mate who is looking out for me and a great (for the people, not the pay!) job which has been very flexible with my requests. The other job not so much but i am still counting myself as lucky to have it to begin with! I also have some great friends who i have met over here. So it really is onwards and upwards. Im hoping he will file for divorce and pay for it since that is the next step but i will still be saving up for it to file myself if he doesnt.

I found out he has been messaging my family telling them horror stories about the thing ive been doing (in his mind, none of it is the truth!) so im going to message them today for the first time in weeks and tell them i really am alive! I cut contact for a few weeks while i was planning to get out. I didnt want to leave a trail of what i was doing or have outside influences in my decision making. I hope they believe me over him!

I applaud this and I hope that you two can work on it this way for the best interest of the child. You are absolutely a shining example of motherhood and not a child owner like most. You two don't have to live together or be friends for that matter to raise a well sorted out kid.

[Holly2234 66]

Thanks Gowon, that really means a lot! Unfortunately he seems to think he can take her but i dont believe it is right for her to grow up without either of us. He is just trying to get rid of me out of bitterness.

Just gone to Facebook to message family and seen this "It is our mission to see you get DEPORTED. #######!" from my brother in law using a fake name. They know nothing about immigration so they are welcome to try. My brother in law was the family enemy until a couple of months ago when i seem to have taken his place!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I have a pretty good update. I moved out of his house yesterday and into my own apartment with a room mate. I have been able to relax for the first time in months and its the best feeling ever! Money is tight so i cant file for divorce yet. I only earn minimum wage and now my working hours are restricted due to child care. I left the house we shared yesterday taking only my clothes and half of our daughters clothes. He didnt even know that we had moved out i took so little. I told him in a text that we have our own apartment and we will be doing 50/50 shared custody of our daughter. I will have her while he works and he will have her when i work. I had my new work hours approved by my employer prior to doing this. I took her to his house this morning at the arranged time so im really hoping he gives her back to me on sunday as we agreed.

I am going to PM you about this particular section. I don't want to run the risk of unsavoury characters reading it.

[PantomimeGoose 59]

Keep screen captures of things like that FB message, if not the message itself. Threats and vitriol on his/his family's part might help give you the upper hand when it comes time to discuss custody issues.

[Holly2234 66]

So things are going OK by myself. We now share custody. We went to diversion and had to agree on the terms. I agreed to some things that im not happy with purely to get my daughter back. He took her and refused to return her. He has added in that i cannot leave the school district of where we both live currently (our daughter is only 2) I agreed just to get her back. He put in there that one friend of mine is not allowed near our daughter at all and one is not allowed unsupervised. He only agreed to make it supervised because i asked why he was trying to cut me off from everybody i know and he said "Out of spite". Thankfully the lady doing the diversion managed to make him be reasonable on that one.

He claimed he filed for divorce through a lawyer but i am yet to be served. It has been 2 weeks and surely i would have been by now?