Sex vital for healing mentally ill, experts say

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dawn Fallik

Philadelphia Inquirer

PHILADELPHIA - James Leftwich wants a girlfriend, wants to get married, wants the same kind of "normal" life most others desire.

For years, he was encouraged not to try. Because of his schizophrenia and depression, those closest to him thought it would be too much for him to handle.

Now the librarian from New York runs a dating and support Web site aimed at those with serious mental health problems.

"It's harder for a person with a mental illness, but they shouldn't give up on the goals they used to have before they were diagnosed," Leftwich says.

For decades, family members, case workers and the medical community have encouraged people with severe mental health issues - bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and major depression, among others - to stay away from intimate relationships. Too much stress. Too much stigma. Too much risk.

A few researchers, however, are suggesting that just the opposite might be true. Over the last few years, they have publicly supported the idea that being in a good relationship can provide stability, companionship and support, just as it does in what they call the "non-diagnosed" community.

"They want the same thing that everyone else does," says Michael Blank, assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, who is overseeing several studies involving safe-sex practices among the mentally ill.

But the idea of more discussion about relationships and sex has proved to be a tough sell. Those within the system and those who study it say that most people don't think about the mentally ill being sexual at all.

"Providers have their own ideas and attitudes about sexuality and their clients," says LaKeetra McClaine, a research specialist at the University of Pennsylvania Collaborative on Community Integration. "Most of them just assume their clients are asexual."

....

Everyone agrees that mental illness, like any serious disorder, adds challenges to developing and maintaining relationships. Even those on medication have "breakthrough moments," said Eric Wright, co-author of the Indiana/Purdue study.

"Mental illness affects the way you perceive the world and how you perceive the people who care about you the most," said Wright.

"There are some issues that can be a big challenge, like if you're psychotic, you can get caught in the feelings and delusions, and the people around you can become the object of your delusion."

It's not always easy for a partner to understand when someone hears voices or has major mood swings or becomes paranoid.

Even so, Wright said, one study found that psychiatric patients who were allowed to get married were also less likely to be hospitalized.

Because sexuality in the mental health community is just starting to be researched, it's unclear whether those who partner with other "diagnosed" people are better off. Many only date those in the community because that's who they know, says McClaine.

Mari Bennett, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, says she's dated both - with good and bad results either way. Married twice, she lives in a transitional living program in Norristown, Pa.

It was her therapist who suggested she start dating again. Now she's seeing a "non-diagnosed" lawyer who knows all about her illness.

"I do take some pause before telling people, but everyone is taking a pill for something these days," Bennett said. "But if I'm going to bring someone into my life, after a certain amount of time, you have to have some very honest conversations with them."

Wright, who himself suffers from major depression, said the issue of coming out to potential partners about your mental illness is a huge one.

"It's much like HIV, it's not something that's going to go over very well and it might scare some people off," the researcher said.

That's why Leftwich, the New York librarian, started his dating site. By just being on the site, it's an automatic diagnostic heads-up, he said.

After three years, the site now has more than 5,300 members and four marriages to celebrate, he said.

"The possibility of rejection is still very real. The site isn't a cure-all," Leftwich said. "But it's more of a welcoming area, where people aren't so hung up on looks or what you've achieved. They're just more willing to give a person a chance."

[Ban Hammer 13,633]

first dates in this should be interesting to watch. i demand a reality tv series on it

[~Jess~ 0]

interesting.............least he has dreams to be normal ehh

[aussiewench 9]

My son was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and depression and has never been told all this BS, that he can't have a relationship. All it takes is the right person to understand. My ex BIL was bipolar and has been married for years with 2 children as he has a wonderful, understanding wife. My cousin is also bipolar and has been married for 18 years and has 4 children. Also married to a wonderful, understanding gal. These people aren't freaks, they are human beings with the same needs and wants as everybody else.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

My son was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and depression and has never been told all this BS, that he can't have a relationship. All it takes is the right person to understand. My ex BIL was bipolar and has been married for years with 2 children as he has a wonderful, understanding wife. My cousin is also bipolar and has been married for 18 years and has 4 children. Also married to a wonderful, understanding gal. These people aren't freaks, they are human beings with the same needs and wants as everybody else.

[Mags 112]

My son was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and depression and has never been told all this BS, that he can't have a relationship. All it takes is the right person to understand. My ex BIL was bipolar and has been married for years with 2 children as he has a wonderful, understanding wife. My cousin is also bipolar and has been married for 18 years and has 4 children. Also married to a wonderful, understanding gal. These people aren't freaks, they are human beings with the same needs and wants as everybody else.

One of my best friends is bi-polar. Of everyone she has ever dealt with she says I am the ONLY one who has treated her normally (who knows about her health). She has been pretty unlucky with relationships in general and the thing she yearns for more than anything is a loving relationship.

So, I agree totally with Aussiewench. They want what we do because they're still human and they have the same feelings we do too. But because of the stigmas attached to mental illness so many people just aren't willing to give them a chance. It's like a vicious circle....

[kim&james 0]

Kudos to that guy for getting up and starting a site to help these people find each other in a world that is already hard for them...

I think most of us will know someone who has or does suffer from all sorts of depressions and mental illnesses and just how hard dealing with life is.. one of my friends here suffers from split personality disorder with depression... life is hard for her but since she got a little puppy (first time she has felt unconditionally loved) she has really blossemed. She is now more outgoing, involved with writing clubs, has a boyfriend, volunteers for the animal shelter and so many other good things in her life...

All people no matter what deserve happiness!

[MrMrsKnight 0]

My son was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and depression and has never been told all this BS, that he can't have a relationship. All it takes is the right person to understand. My ex BIL was bipolar and has been married for years with 2 children as he has a wonderful, understanding wife. My cousin is also bipolar and has been married for 18 years and has 4 children. Also married to a wonderful, understanding gal. These people aren't freaks, they are human beings with the same needs and wants as everybody else.

That goes to you Lorelle

David is bi-polar and we have lived together long enough to know that there's no reason why our relationship should be different than anyone else's. I'm understanding and I do my best to help him through his mood swings, that don't happen very often anymore. He's just as understanding during my PMT. j/k

I do worry when he gets really depressed, but that has never changed how I feel about him or how happy I am in my relationship.

Trust me, he's well capable of being there (and he is) for me at all times as well. He's strong, intelligent, loving, romantic, funny, very responsible and ambitious enough to build a great life with me.

He's a complete person that lacks nothing.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Kudos to that guy for getting up and starting a site to help these people find each other in a world that is already hard for them...

I think most of us will know someone who has or does suffer from all sorts of depressions and mental illnesses and just how hard dealing with life is.. one of my friends here suffers from split personality disorder with depression... life is hard for her but since she got a little puppy (first time she has felt unconditionally loved) she has really blossemed. She is now more outgoing, involved with writing clubs, has a boyfriend, volunteers for the animal shelter and so many other good things in her life...

All people no matter what deserve happiness!

That is awesome!

My son was diagnosed with schitzophrenia and depression and has never been told all this BS, that he can't have a relationship. All it takes is the right person to understand. My ex BIL was bipolar and has been married for years with 2 children as he has a wonderful, understanding wife. My cousin is also bipolar and has been married for 18 years and has 4 children. Also married to a wonderful, understanding gal. These people aren't freaks, they are human beings with the same needs and wants as everybody else.

That goes to you Lorelle

David is bi-polar and we have lived together long enough to know that there's no reason why our relationship should be different than anyone else's. I'm understanding and I do my best to help him through his mood swings, that don't happen very often anymore. He's just as understanding during my PMT. j/k

I do worry when he gets really depressed, but that has never changed how I feel about him or how happy I am in my relationship.

Trust me, he's well capable of being there (and he is) for me at all times as well. He's strong, intelligent, loving, romantic, funny, very responsible and ambitious enough to build a great life with me.

He's a complete person that lacks nothing.

That's beautiful, Marcela! Best wishes to you both!

[Chiroman 0]

Well.... I worked as a nurse back home in Canada, in the addictions program where there are strict rules against this. But I can't tell u how many times in the morning wake up bed check that we found the these patients together- In my line of work they got kicked out of program. Whatever- they are going to do what they want - so for me it was just a funny thing to happen before shift change!

Edited November 19, 2006 by Chiroman