How to acclimate your spouse to the States

[indiana_sweetie 120]

He drools over every muscle-truck he sees, wants to buy a big Ford or Chevy pickup after he gets a job. I tell him the gas will be too expensive and he needs to buy insurance too. He tells me he has always dreamed of owning a big truck in the USA, and that he just wants to enjoy life with me. I apologize and make a mental note not to stomp on his dreams. Reality will kick in soon enough. He listens to me, I listen to him. We talk about anything and everything.

[TBoneTX 46,152]

wants to buy a big Ford or Chevy pickup

A former girlfriend of mine, who grew up in rural east Texas, confirmed this hierarchy of trucks as carved in stone, si man:

GMC

Chevy

Dodge

Ford

foreign

[indiana_sweetie 120]

A former girlfriend of mine, who grew up in rural east Texas, confirmed this hierarchy of trucks as carved in stone, si man:

GMC

Chevy

Dodge

Ford

foreign

[Alyssa&Craig 0]

I think it is the best advice you could get. Odds are, some days he is gonna be perfectly ok, some days he will get upset about something totally random

(My own top 3: I don't have a job- I don't have friends - It is very difficult to find good bread in here) I know that the first 2 will come in time... And I know it won't change suddenly from one day to another. So it is always very surprising to my husband when I get upset about it.

Bad things he said to handle it: "don't feel sorry for yourself"... a bit harsh... But at the same time it certainly helps me beat myself up a bit when I am tempted to feel sorry for myself...

Good things he said: You stubborn enough, be you're usual strong stubborn self, and things will come around.

He is very patient with me. That really helps. And he does everything he can to make me feel good and make me feel like I am really home. And yes, sometimes he screws up too, because he is not perfect, but neither am I, so...

Another tip: when you don't understand why he reacts in a very strange or unexpected way, try to put yourself in his shoes.

good luck!

Thank you so much for the advice. lol he too worries about finding good bread, and finding friends. Thankfully he will have employment when he gets here so hopefully that will fix the friend worry as well.

He drools over every muscle-truck he sees, wants to buy a big Ford or Chevy pickup after he gets a job. I tell him the gas will be too expensive and he needs to buy insurance too. He tells me he has always dreamed of owning a big truck in the USA, and that he just wants to enjoy life with me. I apologize and make a mental note not to stomp on his dreams. Reality will kick in soon enough. He listens to me, I listen to him. We talk about anything and everything.

My finace has the same dream of having a big pick up truck lol

[CaroSL 68]

Thank you so much for the advice. lol he too worries about finding good bread, and finding friends. Thankfully he will have employment when he gets here so hopefully that will fix the friend worry as well.

My finace has the same dream of having a big pick up truck lol

I read somewhere on VJ that it took around 2 years to feel like home in a new country (the poster had lived in 5 different countries and backed up her saying with studies)

That really reassured me to read that. Now I don't put to much pressure on myself, I take things as they come and things will come around in time

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thank you so much for the advice. lol he too worries about finding good bread, and finding friends. Thankfully he will have employment when he gets here so hopefully that will fix the friend worry as well.

No, he WON'T have employment when he gets here. He won't have employment until he gets his EAD, 60-90 day from filing AOS.

[Alyssa&Craig 0]

No, he WON'T have employment when he gets here. He won't have employment until he gets his EAD, 60-90 day from filing AOS.

Yes naturally after that...what I meant was he has a job for when he does receive it

[Rachie07 4]

I moved here from the UK in September 2012. I still am struggling to acclimitise myself to the United States, especially rural Colorado.

I have had so many issues with trying to adapt into my community and I have found the locals to be very hostile towards me. I wont go into too much detail as I don't want to make it sounds as if this treatment is normal. It totally depends on where you live, by no means is this experience of most expats. I have known many other British expats live only up the road from me and have a completely different experience.

First of all, accept there is a possibility of homesickness. My husband didn't and it has caused huge problems in our marriage. Try to do everything you can to ease that; listening to them, trying to find TV from their home country, snacks, Skype and most of all make yourself available for at least the first big steps. Take them to get their SSN if they don't receive it, take them to the DMV, got the first few doctors appointments, take them to job interviews etc. These show your support and mean so much instead of having to do this for themselves. Sometimes visits from home do help, but for me they have made my homesickness worse. Encourage them to take a trip back if affordable or go on a vacay in the USA somewhere to show them what the USA has to offer.

Secondly, make sure you have strong ties around you, whether its friends or family that are caring and reliable. This is something I haven't had here and it would have perhaps made a huge difference. I have only my husband and my 7 month year old son, if I had a support network the ups and downs would be so much more bearable.

And thirdly, it takes time. It can take up to two years to fully adjust when you move overseas. Remember what they have given up to come and be with you. That shows how much they really, truly do love you and value you. Homesickness is a condition at some point we all experience or have experienced so don't take it personally. Actions always speak louder than words so I would most definitely say doing all you can and working through difficulties together will not only help the other spouse tremendously but will solidify the bond between you.

Hope this helps. Its hard to write a response because I am still going through this.

[Senshin 6]

I find it very hard to get used to being here.

My husband is very patient, but of course he feels sad sometimes because so many things here makes me sad, (especially how people interact), because this is where he was born, this is his life, so it's hard to see me struggle.

But he's very patient and talks to me about how hard it is for me, and tells me I am very brave to just give up my entire life , to come live with him in a completely different country. It means a lot to me he that he acknowledge that.

He helped me get my dog here, even though it cost a fortune, he found me a Danish bakery and I cried when I took the first bite of the bread I so miss. He will go with me to meet a group of Danes here, and he watches Danish movies with me. He wants to learn Danish, and he is very open to do things how I am used to. Sometimes those things makes me more homesick though. But it means a lot to me he wants to make me feel at home, and I commend you for wanting to do the same for your husband!

[CaroSL 68]

First of all, accept there is a possibility of homesickness. My husband didn't and it has caused huge problems in our marriage. Try to do everything you can to ease that; listening to them, trying to find TV from their home country, snacks, Skype and most of all make yourself available for at least the first big steps. Take them to get their SSN if they don't receive it, take them to the DMV, got the first few doctors appointments, take them to job interviews etc. These show your support and mean so much instead of having to do this for themselves. Sometimes visits from home do help, but for me they have made my homesickness worse. Encourage them to take a trip back if affordable or go on a vacay in the USA somewhere to show them what the USA has to offer.

This is very true! But you guys should find your own balance. This is not easy... My husband called the bank for me. He told me were the DMV was, his friends told me what social security office to go to. He clearly holds my hand during my job search (correcting everything I need him to check, making sure I know what to do, who to contact, etc... bearing my mood swings). But he won't take me to job interview (I wouldn't want to, I wanna feel independent!). Talk about it with him, make sure that he has all the info he needs when he has to do something alone.

So many little things are disorienting, so advice is always appreciated: i don't know good places to go out, I don't know have favorite channels on the us tv yet, I have no clue where things are in the supermarket... It took me a while to realize standard paper size in the US is not A4... So I kept sending my resume in A4 to everyone. Fortunately not everyone tried to print it!

But I also need to just try and make things happen on my own sometimes. I got the car inspected and registered 2 weeks ago. I was so happy I did this (even with the DMV nightmare), just because I need to be able to do things on my own...

Secondly, make sure you have strong ties around you, whether its friends or family that are caring and reliable. This is something I haven't had here and it would have perhaps made a huge difference. I have only my husband and my 7 month year old son, if I had a support network the ups and downs would be so much more bearable.

I think this is such a good advice! My husband's friend are a great support to me!

And thirdly, it takes time. It can take up to two years to fully adjust when you move overseas. Remember what they have given up to come and be with you. That shows how much they really, truly do love you and value you. Homesickness is a condition at some point we all experience or have experienced so don't take it personally. Actions always speak louder than words so I would most definitely say doing all you can and working through difficulties together will not only help the other spouse tremendously but will solidify the bond between you.

I couldn't agree more

Hope this helps. Its hard to write a response because I am still going through this.

Edited June 13, 2013 by CaroSL

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I read somewhere on VJ that it took around 2 years to feel like home in a new country (the poster had lived in 5 different countries and backed up her saying with studies)

That really reassured me to read that. Now I don't put to much pressure on myself, I take things as they come and things will come around in time

I've read studies about it too, but of course it depends on the person and their situation.

I didn't start to feel better about living here until I got a job I liked. I had my own vehicle (not on a loan), I had a drivers license, bank account, car insurance, health insurance... and a GPS to help me get around, but it wasn't until I got this job, with people I liked, work that keeps my brain active and money coming in (not a large amount, I'm only part-time)... It made a HUGE difference to how I felt. Suddenly I had "my" money and I could get my hair done, go grocery shopping, food shopping etc without feeling like I was leeching of my husband. He didn't MAKE me feel that way, I had just been earning my income since I was 16, so 10 years later to being unemployed, in a foreign country and dependent on someone else... it was a big adjustment.

I still have moments of course but when I went "home" last year the difference in mind-set, the difference I noticed in myself compared to others was astounding. I adapted to living here and no, not necessarily a good thing in some ways, but it was definitely interesting to notice because I thought I was still as Aussie as I always was!

[CaroSL 68]

I didn't start to feel better about living here until I got a job I liked.

I can't wait for this.

Waking up every morning knowing I have somewhere to go and something to do is going to be great. Not having my stomach hurt each time I buy something is gonna be even better (because right now I am spending my savings... And I don't pay a bill, I don't pay gas, never pay when we go out... I can't wait for this to change either!)

Plus, I always feel guilty when I don't clean up and go grocery shopping because "I am at home all day".

... I can't be totally myself yet...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I can't wait for this.

Waking up every morning knowing I have somewhere to go and something to do is going to be great. Not having my stomach hurt each time I buy something is gonna be even better (because right now I am spending my savings... And I don't pay a bill, I don't pay gas, never pay when we go out... I can't wait for this to change either!)

Plus, I always feel guilty when I don't clean up and go grocery shopping because "I am at home all day".

... I can't be totally myself yet...

Yep that's exactly how it was for me. Even though the wages here suck compared to home, cost of living evens it out enough for me to not notice (until I go home to visit, OUCH!).

The house work.. omg I'm so on your page there. I felt like I wasn't "pulling my weight" and I still feel that way sometimes because my husband still pays the majority of the bills (I pay the ones that aren't monthly, like car insurance for example) but it sure feels good to go and get my hair done and know I was paying for it so I could have done whatever I wanted (well... within reason)... such a small thing with such a huge impact

My husband always said he'd love to be home all day, he wouldn't get bored... and then he had surgery and was off work for 4 days.. he kept saying "I feel like a bum!" and felt like he never got anything done and his days were just wasted... I said remember that feeling because that's how it felt for me all those months! Now you understand!!

[CaroSL 68]

The house work.. omg I'm so on your page there. I felt like I wasn't "pulling my weight" and I still feel that way sometimes because my husband still pays the majority of the bills (I pay the ones that aren't monthly, like car insurance for example) but it sure feels good to go and get my hair done and know I was paying for it so I could have done whatever I wanted (well... within reason)... such a small thing with such a huge impact

Yeah, I am hoping to earn half of what my husband make... at best! So it won't solve totally the problem. But I am sure it will help

I kind of found my dream job... I am rather confident I am in a good position to get it.

But I have no clue what the salary will be... If it was just me, I wouldn't care, this is my dream job after all... But I don't want to feel too dependent for 2 long...

Deep down all I want to do is work on the last step of the recruiting for this job, but I push myself to look for something else (even though I don't really want something else)

sry

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Caro, there are websites that can give you an idea of what a salary would be for a given job. Try salary.com. And remember, you can negotiate!