Husband has been here almost a year

[Sealy 1]

Hi all,

It's good to read other peoples experiences in this area.

Mine is of the same kind but from a different country. My fiancee, American citizen came over to live with me. She is from South Carolina and was used to living in the country where no one bothers you. Great life in my eyes because I come from the city life. Anyway, before she came over we talked about relocating and she thought it would be smarter to come and life in the Netherlands with me considering I have a place of my own and had a steady job at the time. This was about 1,5 years ago and we are now residing in the Netherlands. Well from the moment she was in the Netherlands small issues started to appear. Just simple things like different food, no well water etc. Then issues like language barrier and the lack of country side life started to appear. Everything she had was so different here. She loves the Netherlands in her beauty but can't stand the up close living conditions here. I second that although I never lived in the country. At first it felt to me she was not appreciating all the things I did for her, buying her tickets, arranging exam locations (she is a student but doing online classes), arranging the immigration part in the Netherlands, buying everything she needed. Everything she had something to nag about which made it really hard for me to look at the real issue. It felt like she didn't want to be here essentially. I know now that this is a wrong assumption because I can see what she means as I've been to the US a couple of times now. Now we are filling in all the K1 forms to send off to the US because we believe we would be happier in the US with the open space etc. From what i've seen I love it, the friendly people, the open space, the big bottles of drinks for a few dollars . But I am scared as well, considering the economy, considering the work climate, the working 10-12 hours a day, not having vacation days.

I will have no problem adjusting to the living conditions but I probably have a lot of issues with working there. In the Netherlands you work 40 hours a week and get 25 days free time a year. Well I want that for the US because I work to live not live to work. I will need those free days to visit my family back in the Netherlands because that is definitely something I will miss. I don't mind giving up all the things I have for a new exiting adventure but being able to visit my family is definitely something I hold dear.

So yeah, great advises and it's not only viable for living in the US. .

We will start our K1 adventure soon, but I still have to talk to my parents about it which is going to be a hard time.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I thank you guys for some input. I am consciously making a daily effort to back off, and let things roll for now, one day at a time. I was also happy to get some male input...thanks tbone

How are things going lately?

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

...

Sealy, I think you are confused somewhat. You don't work 10-12 hours a day in the US. People work 40 hours a week standard.

It's true we get less vacation than other countries. 10 days of vacation is standard, plus the 10 days of federal holidays. But, in higher skilled jobs, getting more vacation than that is common.

A part of your negotiations for your job can be getting more vacation time. What is your field?

[Sealy 1]

Sealy, I think you are confused somewhat. You don't work 10-12 hours a day in the US. People work 40 hours a week standard.

It's true we get less vacation than other countries. 10 days of vacation is standard, plus the 10 days of federal holidays. But, in higher skilled jobs, getting more vacation than that is common.

A part of your negotiations for your job can be getting more vacation time. What is your field?

Hmm ok then I have just based the hours of work on experiences from people i know in the US, including father in law and friends. Father in law works like 10-12 hours a day and i believe some of the friends work more then 40 hours as well, but if 40 hours is standard then that's good news to me because I like my free time.

Yes vacation days will be a pain. I don't know exactly the way it goes but i've heard that you have to build up your vacation days rather then getting them all at the same time. Like the first year you get 1 week and after 1 year you get 2 etc.

My field is logistics/IT/consulting.

I've got a bachelor degree in Electrical Engineering with major in Telecommunication. It's pretty far from my line of work but has some crossovers. Currently I am an Oracle consultant for Xerox in the Netherlands.

[Marilyn. 340]

The amount hours all depends on the job. My husband works in a warehouse and he works more then 40 hours a week. He does get 15 days vacation though but that is after working there for 9 years. He got 5 days when he started. Next year he gets 5 extra days.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Hmm ok then I have just based the hours of work on experiences from people i know in the US, including father in law and friends. Father in law works like 10-12 hours a day and i believe some of the friends work more then 40 hours as well, but if 40 hours is standard then that's good news to me because I like my free time.

Yes vacation days will be a pain. I don't know exactly the way it goes but i've heard that you have to build up your vacation days rather then getting them all at the same time. Like the first year you get 1 week and after 1 year you get 2 etc.

My field is logistics/IT/consulting.

I've got a bachelor degree in Electrical Engineering with major in Telecommunication. It's pretty far from my line of work but has some crossovers. Currently I am an Oracle consultant for Xerox in the Netherlands.

In professional or "office" type jobs the hours tend to be more 9-5 but when you're higher up in those jobs you might end up working 60+ hours a week.

Personally I work 30 hours a week because I work "part time". My colleague works 40 hours a week and is considered "full time". One of the other people I work with works pretty much 7 days a week, regular 8.30 - 5 Monday to Friday, then several hours on the weekend. He likes to though and isn't made to do so, it's his choice.

Personally I work to live as well but sometimes that requires many hours at work. My husband had to get this job that was supposed to be 40 hours a week but turned into 60+ because he had to keep staying late to fix things for other people. He left that job and went to one that was 12 hour days, 5 days a week, rotating shifts (so 4 days 6a-6p, 3 days off, 4 nights 6p-6a, 4 days off, rinse and repeat). It was horrible but he did what he had to do when he was made redundant to "live" and support our family. He always does what is needed, and sometimes that sucks but he did it for us. Now he's in a much better job. Been there a year and is on his second promotion. Good benefits.

Really depends on your area. There isn't really a "standard" per se, it depends on your job/experience what your "standard" would be. Given you're IT etc it'll probably be 40-50 hours a week.

[Sealy 1]

The amount hours all depends on the job. My husband works in a warehouse and he works more then 40 hours a week. He does get 15 days vacation though but that is after working there for 9 years. He got 5 days when he started. Next year he gets 5 extra days.

Yeah warehousing was my previous job. Did IT work in a major DHL warehouse but in the Netherlands 40 hours is standard and if you work more you get more per hour. Most jobs don't accept overtime anymore because of the economy. Guess I just need to find the job for me with the vacation days .

In professional or "office" type jobs the hours tend to be more 9-5 but when you're higher up in those jobs you might end up working 60+ hours a week.

Personally I work 30 hours a week because I work "part time". My colleague works 40 hours a week and is considered "full time". One of the other people I work with works pretty much 7 days a week, regular 8.30 - 5 Monday to Friday, then several hours on the weekend. He likes to though and isn't made to do so, it's his choice.

Personally I work to live as well but sometimes that requires many hours at work. My husband had to get this job that was supposed to be 40 hours a week but turned into 60+ because he had to keep staying late to fix things for other people. He left that job and went to one that was 12 hour days, 5 days a week, rotating shifts (so 4 days 6a-6p, 3 days off, 4 nights 6p-6a, 4 days off, rinse and repeat). It was horrible but he did what he had to do when he was made redundant to "live" and support our family. He always does what is needed, and sometimes that sucks but he did it for us. Now he's in a much better job. Been there a year and is on his second promotion. Good benefits.

Really depends on your area. There isn't really a "standard" per se, it depends on your job/experience what your "standard" would be. Given you're IT etc it'll probably be 40-50 hours a week.

Yeah I definately qualify for the professional type of work. I've always worked around the 9-5 kind of jobs, sometimes more hours but that's working in IT. It's great to hear other peoples experiences with this though. I shall keep the vacation days in my mind when checking jobs . But indeed you do what you need to do to survive I guess. Working to live has always been my motto.

Thanks you guys. Gives me a better feeling of the situation. If anything comes up just pm me so I don't disturb this topic.

I shall leave this topic to the original story, don't want to hijack a thread.

[rlogan 2,036]

I don't see how moving to New York City addresses the specific problems he has adjusting, especially the fast-paced life and taxes. NYC is about the highest cost of living in the country too.

[CaroSL 68]

I am not sure if I should have posted this in MENA (where I usually post), I just wanted as much support/feedback as possible.

My husband is just shy a few weeks of being here a year. He is in the throws of depression and homesickness. It has been very difficult for both of us. He hates everything about America. We just moved into a new place in the city, and I love it (it isn't the best, but a start) He sucks the joy out of everything. It doesn't help that he works overnight at a job he hates, and feels like he is learning no skills while doing it. He has goals and ambitions, but I think he is setting the bar too high, which in turn makes him quite disappointed in himself that he isn't farther ahead like he expected to be right now.

I have to admit that I feel like I have not helped in making it easier, as I've been nagging and such. I need to really step back, and realize that not all my needs will be met right now, and I should just hang on while he goes through this. He flat out told me last weekend that he wants to go home, and why couldn't I have moved there. (It is totally out of character for him to dwell on decisions that were already made, and beat a dead horse). He has told me I am absolutely the only reason he is here, as he hates almost everything about this country. I find myself getting defensive when he goes on a sh!t rant about where I grew up, and how it sucks where I live. We live 45 minutes north of Boston. I just got a big promotion at work, and he has his heart set on moving to NYC. I always told him I couldn't move out of state, but he is convinced life sucks here in southern NH, and it would be better in NYC. I keep saying Boston would be good, but he refuses. I don't think we should be making any kinds of big decisions like that while he is going through this phase. He thinks otherwise. It is absolutely frustrating to say the least.

Now my rant. Anyone I tell this to, has no idea why my husband would hate life in America so much. Many of them think Morocco is a sh!t hole, and he should be grateful that he is here. #######? Nobody seems to understand why he wouldn't like it here, as the mentality is that America is the best, and anybody would die to have his opportunity. Really? We are not a perfect nation, and there are other places that have freedom like we do. He had an established life. Everywhere, and I mean everywhere he went, people knew him. He was respected in his city, and many more places. Made his living, and took care of his family. Yes, he chose to leave, but even though we were prepared for this, you really don't know how it feels until you are going through it yourself. I'm aggravated that people know so little about his country, that they just assume his life is 100% better here. It is not. And I am tired of explaining it. Even my mother admitted that he must have wanted to come here, which is why he looked for me. I'm just at my wits end, and am trying to shut my mouth and not nag and fight with him every time he seems grouchy. He is somewhat normal on his days off, which he shares with me, so we try to do things together. The rest of the week, I don't know what I am going to get.

I am beyond frustrated, and if I feel this helpless, I can't imagine how he feels. The recent bombings in Boston were sad, but this stuff is a daily reality for others around the world. I actually saw a "friend" on facebook say right after the bombings, that if he "sees an Arab, he's just going to knock his lights out." Another person posted about the earthquake on the Pakistani border, and someone commented "good." I am so flipping tired of the ignorance of people. I met someone a few weekends ago when I went out with some co workers, and he thought it was appropriate to ask if my husband was a terrorist, or believed in their doings just because he heard he was a Muslim. My husband is actually pretty normal. Wants out of life what most people want. A good, happy life. Why is it so hard for people to believe? I also went to my mom with these gripes, and she actually said "well, can you blame them after what happened in 9/11?" Actually yes I can, because you should never lump all of a group together. My husband is miserable, and I can't do anything to help him, except for backing off for now, which I think would help a lot, but I'm only human, and can take the negativity only so much. I've heard it takes a good 2-3 years to get things to a good place. I don't want to leave my life here, but he did it for me, so I feel like a jerk. I have made some big sacrifices for him too. I just don't know what to do right now

First thing I would do is remove people making really stupid comments that really affect your mood of your facebook friends (I remove anyone who makes racist or homophobic comments... I just can't stand it, and I see no reason to)

Do you have international friends? People that went through the same thing? Maroccan friends maybe? It just really helps to hang out with people who are kind of in your situation...

I have been there only a few months, and yes, it is very unsettling. I focus on making my own friends for now. What really helps is to be able to have people discover my culture. Having diners where I cook french reciepies... it is a small thing, but that really makes me feel good.

I am probably not very helpful... Hope I could do more

What is positive? What makes you both feel good? Maybe you can start by concentrating on this and work from there

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I have been there only a few months, and yes, it is very unsettling. I focus on making my own friends for now. What really helps is to be able to have people discover my culture. Having diners where I cook french reciepies... it is a small thing, but that really makes me feel good.

I am probably not very helpful... Hope I could do more

What is positive? What makes you both feel good? Maybe you can start by concentrating on this and work from there

Mm, I want cooking and practicing my French! Sign me up!