Husband has been here almost a year

[M and C 32]

I can't help but notice your signature here in VJ: Never give up on anything God has told you to believe for; never quit doing anything He has clearly shown you to do. Your diligence will pay off with a blessing from God." -Joyce Meyers

There you go. Be encouraged. Hang in there! Your husband is going through a tough transition. Just be there for him -- for better or for worse. God bless.

Edited April 19, 2013 by M and C

[Cathi 5,771]

I'm still here right up the street if you need me hun. Feel free to call or stop by any time......

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Change is hard. I know people have told me the adjustment has taken 2-3 years and that seems about right for us. Others have said it takes 5-6 years really but we're not there yet. I can see us on that track though. Maybe that's why they offer the US citizenship at 3 years and at 5 years, or maybe not.

One thing I don't think I've mentioned before in another post similar to this topic is one of the things I tried with my husband was training your brain for happiness. It's based on a TED talk I came across for training your brain for happiness with work but I think it could work with anything. The guy giving his presentation did his research at Harvard.

The secret to training your brain for happiness at work

You have to practice it but it works after some time. I applied this to our relationship and had my husband did it with me and things seemed to get better.

Here are the cliff note to video:

Do these steps for 21 days in a row to retrain the brain. It creates a lasting positive change with the lens of how you view the world.

3 gratitudes

-write down 3 new things each day that you're grateful for.

-Your brain will retain a pattern of scanning the world for the positive and not for the worse.

Journaling

-journaling about one positive experience that you've had over the last 24 hours allows

your brain to relive it.

Exercise

-exercise teaches your brain that your behavior matters. Plus who doesn't feel better after taking an hours walk?

Meditation

-Allows your brain to get over the cultural ADHD that we've been creating by trying to do multiple tasks at once.

-It allows our brains to focus on the tasks at hand.

Random Acts of Kindness

-Random Acts of Kindness are conscious acts of kindness. We get people to write one positive email praising or thanking somebody in their social support network.

At the end he says by doing these things we reverse the traditional formulas and models we set up for happiness and success, and in doing so create ripples of positivity and a real revolution.

There are a lot of good tips in prior posts that I agree with like making friends with others at Islamic Centers, ect. Really though it takes time to adapt and patience. Moving outside of the US and uprooting your life at this point doesn't seem like the easy answer either. Also consider that it will be much harder for you in his home country because of the language barrier and several other factors than it is for him to live in your country. That was one realization that made accepting the situation easier.

I hope you find what you're looking for and remember there is always help if you need it.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Dr. A ♥ O

[EminTX 131]

My husband quit his bellyaching when he went back home for 5 months to finish school. He had already gotten used to hot water on demand from every tap, Subway sandwiches across the street, having our own vehicle, his Home Depot addiction, NetFlix, air conditioning, unlimited access to all the frisky-play he wanted, etc. When he went back, of course he was delighted to be back in his element. For a few weeks. It wasn't long before he was lamenting for me to make some corn bread and mail it to him. Or his celebration when Pop-Eyes Chicken opened downtown in his city, but it "wasn't exactly right.". And he was lonely.

Since he has returned, he hasn't complained one time about how much he misses his home country. It wasn't so glittery gold after all and each place has its charms and detractions. And he knows that when we have the funds, he will be able to return for a visit in a heartbeat.

If this is a possibility for y'all, consider it.

[tany1157 161]

I thank you guys for some input. I am consciously making a daily effort to back off, and let things roll for now, one day at a time. I was also happy to get some male input...thanks tbone

[Golden Gate 530]

I talked to my husband about your post. He can totally see where your husband is coming from. In Morocco, he would say that you have freedom. You can catch a bus or walk to any place you want to go, you can go to a cafe and spend 5 dirhams for a coffee, you can get to the cafe by walking and seeing/talking to people along the way because people are all outdoors. You have time to do these things, as there is no pressure.

However, once you come here to the supposed land of freedom you find you are working very hard at some job for very little money. There is no money to go to a cafe to drink your coffee, because you would be spending an hour's pay. People aren't outside to have a chat with you. You can't get time off from work or you will be fired. You certainly can't save money to fly to visit Morocco for quite a long time, nor will you have the time off to do so to visit your family. There are many things. Suddenly your world becomes very small and confined. Naturally you would become depressed.

On the positive side, he is happy to find that nepotism is not acceptable here, as it is in Morocco.

He is also getting used to the food and trying new things. Now he is liking Cajun rice and Prego sauce with pasta. He even sort of liked my Thai Coconut Ginger Soup!

Generally he handles everything with a sense of humor, which is good, because anytime I feel he is depressed, I get depressed. When he gets depressed, I just make sure to let him know I am listening to him.

One thing I would suggest is that he try to find another job that is during the daytime. Working nights is very hard on your body. My husband worked night shift before and it was horrible and they were slave-drivers. He started looking for some field where they would train him and after applying for many jobs online, he was called to be trained in the die-making field. It is hard work, but he has the chance to move up and eventually make a very good income. I think your husband needs to see some hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, thinking of you and hope things will turn around!

[Caryh 5,206]

My wife has been here a year and a half now and she's finally starting to feel this is now home. She still gets homesick, but its not so bad. She still prefers her home country, but she's accepting being here for now. If I had a nickel for every time she's said she wanted to go home, we could afford a trip to her home! There are so many times I felt so bad for her, so many times I was tempted to let her return, so many times I felt she didn't appreciate all I did so we could be together here, etc, etc... But I realized I'm the one who needs to be strong even when I'm hurting, because she's hurting more. Its taken a ton of patience to see her to the point where she is finally on the up swing from the homesickness and life style change. She still doesn't see America as being all that great of place, we just work too hard, are not friendly enough, the weather is too cold, and her family isn't here. But she's seeing the plus side to. She still grumbles about going home at times, but I think its more out of habit at this point, or at least I think it is. She's started appreciating the many things we have, and appreciating having a good husband to. Thank the lord for that last one, because I was really beginning to wonder where the heck did the wonderful woman I got to know for 9 years before we got married went.

Some people just seem to get in here and swim like a native. Others have a very hard time adjusting. I would guess some never adjust to and have to return home. But if we love our spouse, we set aside all our own complaints and work to get them through what they need to go through. As my wife started to get through the worst of it, I could start telling her how hard it had been on me. She actually already knew that, she just wasn't in a mindset to be able to accept what I was going through while she was still going through so much. But she really appreciated all the support I gave her then, and still give her. It was certainly a learning experience for both of us, that has only made us stronger.

[Kajikit 65]

I'm not a Moroccan... but after I'd been in a US a couple of years I went through a period of extreme dissatisfaction with where we were living (in South Florida). Everything was soooooo different to Australia and I missed seeing mountains and seasons and I felt stuck down here because the furthest we'd ever been was Orlando, and I'd realised that with the US work situation, my husband was NEVER going to have the time and/or money to go back to Australia with me or to take me anyplace else on vacation. It probably lasted six months and I got over it. Now I've been here for eight years, I'm perfectly happy in the same apartment that I loathed then. I can see all the good things about our neighbourhood and I know how lucky I was in this particular pick of apartment because I can get myself wherever I need to go from here.

It's more the realisation that my 'old life' was entirely gone, and the time it took to accept that, than any actual dissatisfaction with our living situation.

[TBoneTX 45,663]

I am consciously making a daily effort to back off, and let things roll for now, one day at a time. I was also happy to get some male input...thanks tbone

You're welcome, si man. Remain consciously aware until the changes become habit, and DON'T let yourself slip! Which Napoleon Hill book have you started with? Edited April 26, 2013 by TBoneTX

[SBB 74]

With the exception of the food, my wife hasn't really had many problems with homesickness, but that probably has a lot to do with the fact that she isn't terribly close to her family and was always considered a little weird while growing up in the first place. Interestingly, from her perspective life is much more relaxed and slower paced in the US than in China which is something she likes a lot. It also probably doesn't hurt that she's still in school and thus has a large community of compatriots nearby either.

[silvermug 16]

Sorry, if I may ask... What specifically does he not like here? It HAS to be specific, like -- job, gas prices, food, weather, income, friends; not something like -- "The world is against me!" or, "Life sucks".

[tany1157 161]

Sorry, if I may ask... What specifically does he not like here? It HAS to be specific, like -- job, gas prices, food, weather, income, friends; not something like -- "The world is against me!" or, "Life sucks".

All of the above, with the exception of friends. He's made a few here. Also, life is too fast here, and he feels the government is out to squeeze every dollar from us. He feels he works just to pay for rent and food, which isn't the life he wants. I told him he is just starting out, it will get better. He's very ambitious. He's been studying a lot, and has long term goals, but he's just having a hard time seeing the light right now.

[CarrieC 7]

Thankyou all for posting on the site about this. My hubby has been here for ~7 months and it has been a roller coaster. It does not help that he is moody but everything the OP said is true, just different county. My hubby has been compounded by the fact that his father is now sick with end stage stomach cancer (we went back recently for 1 week) for a visit so he is depressed about that too. It's a lot for us. Sometimes, he does not even greet me when I get home, won't call me (we used to talk ~3 x/day when we were apart) and I get my feelings hurt. He has said so many times he wants to go back, I even bought a ticket once but he tore it up. Life is so different here and it is a huge adjustment. I arranged everything for him and it is hard when it feels like nothing done is appreciated. He had his first job at a warehouse thru an agency but it was temp and the pay was horrible. He is on the second job which is FT but seasonal so hoping they will like him enough to keep him on board. In the mean time, I don't know if we will make it. It's as if he does not make an effort sometimes. It's hard to keep going, especially when you love someone that much and wanted to be together. Here we are and it's not what you think it's going to be. Just gotta fight the fight but when do you say enough is enough? Trying to exhale...

[CarrieC 7]

Change is hard. I know people have told me the adjustment has taken 2-3 years and that seems about right for us. Others have said it takes 5-6 years really but we're not there yet. I can see us on that track though. Maybe that's why they offer the US citizenship at 3 years and at 5 years, or maybe not.

One thing I don't think I've mentioned before in another post similar to this topic is one of the things I tried with my husband was training your brain for happiness. It's based on a TED talk I came across for training your brain for happiness with work but I think it could work with anything. The guy giving his presentation did his research at Harvard.

The secret to training your brain for happiness at work

You have to practice it but it works after some time. I applied this to our relationship and had my husband did it with me and things seemed to get better.

Here are the cliff note to video:

There are a lot of good tips in prior posts that I agree with like making friends with others at Islamic Centers, ect. Really though it takes time to adapt and patience. Moving outside of the US and uprooting your life at this point doesn't seem like the easy answer either. Also consider that it will be much harder for you in his home country because of the language barrier and several other factors than it is for him to live in your country. That was one realization that made accepting the situation easier.

I hope you find what you're looking for and remember there is always help if you need it.

Thanks for posting this. I am going to print it and give it to him. Maybe we can both do this.

[ainsn 13]

Thanks for honestly posting about this! I worry about my husband not liking it in America too. We originally didn't even want to settle here, and put off applying for his visa. But after I moved in with him and tried living in Bangladesh for almost a year, I knew it wasn't for me, and we finally decided to give America a fair chance. We're still going through the visa process, so my husband isn't here yet, but I'm bracing myself for the rocky start-up years ahead of us. It's hard adjusting to a different culture, work life, language, style of raising kids....the list goes on and the ego hits don't let up. It's a humbling experience.

But I believe pressure cooker situations open up new life perspectives and are worth the pain, as long as the goal is positive and you love and respect your support network.