The child I left behind

[Peggy 1]

May I not agree?

I think it is selfish to leave children behind to start a new romance. Too many children are neglected after their parents break-up. All of sudden, they are "in the way". I wouldn’t leave my children behind or perhaps only if I was forced to by extreme circumstances that hopefully are only temporarily (medical, professional). I would rather not start a relationship than having to leave my children to be raised by someone else. It may hurt to break up with someone you care about very dearly, but missing a child can only hurt my heart and my conscience indefinitely. Children are my responsibility, not anyone else. I brought them to this world and it is my responsibility and obligation to take care of them.

Are you for real or what?

Do you have children?

Some people just have to get there two cents in whether they hurt someone feelings or not.

I guess this poster is one of them.

I hate when people need to say things when people are already hurting.

Its called GROW UP AND GET A LIFE.

Take your negative remarks somewhere else on here if ya have nothing good to say in this thread.

THIS THREAD IS FOR SUPPORT, NOT BASHING PEOPLE THAT ARE ALREADY MISSING THERE KIDS.

[Tracey-LUVS-Rudy 0]

I was one of the people ..that couldn't believe how people could leave there kids ..the thought of it broke my heart .yeah i knew they probably had their reasons ..but i my self couldn't understand it .

Not until now ...you can't judge anyone until you are in their shoes ..which i am now

It's not like we went out looking for someone on the otherside of the world ...

everyone that has left or is leaving a child/children wish they could be with us .

I may not be with them every day ..but they will also know i love them and i may be miles away from them but i will always be their mother and they will know i am there for them when they need me .

right now i am lucky that i still have time with them ..and i am making the most of that time to let them own how much i love them before i leave .

So to all those out there that disagree with our decision ..i really hope you don't end up in our shoes ..cause i not sure how much support you would get here

hugs to you all ..and this is a great thread it has helped me alot knowing i'm not the only parent out there going through this

sorry not that great with words

[Euro 3]

.......I don't see any reason why anyone on here should judge about the care of others children....as far as I can tell each and everyone of the kids talked about on here have been assured of loving care, mostly by the other PARENT (who is to say dads are less responsible or obligated to their children?). It is my experience than these kind of separations are way harder on the absent parent than the absent child as long as the child is secure and loved in it's home enviroment all will be good. Only families together can decide what is best for their own children....and sometimes heart breaking choices have to made.

I wish i had a good way with words, i just ramble and it all gets a bit confusing, but very well said

I had a son that died, I cant see him, talk to him on the phone or webcam, i wish i could, i would give anything for him to be just a plane ride away,I live with this every day of my life!!!

The Son i left behind is 8 hours away from me, i could be there tomorrow if he needed me to be,it hurts he chose to remain with his dad, extended family, friends,school all that familiar, but he's happy, and thats the way children should be, HAPPY!!

Edited June 8, 2006 by euro

[Fetaria 0]

Michelle.. we want you here so no stepping out please.

I understand people not understanding and I am ok with it but would encourage them to have some empathy. I think often the first reaction is that we are all unconcerned with our children and off to start a new life. Let me tell you.. that thinking could not be further from the truth. I did not leave my son alone... he is with his father, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his friends.. he is surrounded by love there and here. Me taking him away from his dad at this point in his life was not the best choice. Possibly the critics would suggest we stay put, be neighbours with our ex spouses until the children are grown. Wouldn't it be handy if the world was that small.

I keep making this point and I will keep making this point... I see more distance between some parents and children living in the same houses as I have seen between these parents who do not live close to their children!!!

For those who come here, like I do, for support and understanding.. as well as to just see how you and your children are doing... don't let the nay-sayers deter you. I do not let ignorance upset me. Whatever choice you make in life.. it is made and you are wasting time in dwelling over if it was the right one or not. We are given one life and we play an important part of our children's lives no matter how or where we do it. Your happiness does wonders for them so although raising children takes sacrifices of sorts.. it does not mean sacrafice yourself entirely. The meaning gets lost if you do and they will be no better for it.

I believe whole-heartidly that the love of a parent for a child has no boundries, it crosses time and sometimes oceans. Our children are loved and they know it. I wonder if those parents in bold I talk about express their love as much or if their children feel as cared for? I sure hope so.

[Tracey-LUVS-Rudy 0]

Michelle.. we want you here so no stepping out please.

I understand people not understanding and I am ok with it but would encourage them to have some empathy. I think often the first reaction is that we are all unconcerned with our children and off to start a new life. Let me tell you.. that thinking could not be further from the truth. I did not leave my son alone... he is with his father, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his friends.. he is surrounded by love there and here. Me taking him away from his dad at this point in his life was not the best choice. Possibly the critics would suggest we stay put, be neighbours with our ex spouses until the children are grown. Wouldn't it be handy if the world was that small.

I keep making this point and I will keep making this point... I see more distance between some parents and children living in the same houses as I have seen between these parents who do not live close to their children!!!

For those who come here, like I do, for support and understanding.. as well as to just see how you and your children are doing... don't let the nay-sayers deter you. I do not let ignorance upset me. Whatever choice you make in life.. it is made and you are wasting time in dwelling over if it was the right one or not. We are given one life and we play an important part of our children's lives no matter how or where we do it. Your happiness does wonders for them so although raising children takes sacrifices of sorts.. it does not mean sacrafice yourself entirely. The meaning gets lost if you do and they will be no better for it.

I believe whole-heartidly that the love of a parent for a child has no boundries, it crosses time and sometimes oceans. Our children are loved and they know it. I wonder if those parents in bold I talk about express their love as much or if their children feel as cared for? I sure hope so.

Every well said

[Peggy 1]

I AGREE.

Great post

[MichelleandCraig 1]

I AGREE.

Great post

Me too!

I dunno...I guess it just chaps me lately. A lot of you saw it in the thread we had going, which is thankfully gone and will stay gone, and now here, and many other places over the board. Everyone just MUST have an opinion because it's his/her right. Well, what about what IS right? There's more than 1 way to think about the word 'right'. M.

[raphael7546 0]

QUOTE(Satisfaction @ Jun 8 2006, 12:13 PM)

May I not agree?

I think it is selfish to leave children behind to start a new romance. Too many children are neglected after their parents break-up. All of sudden, they are "in the way". I wouldn’t leave my children behind or perhaps only if I was forced to by extreme circumstances that hopefully are only temporarily (medical, professional). I would rather not start a relationship than having to leave my children to be raised by someone else. It may hurt to break up with someone you care about very dearly, but missing a child can only hurt my heart and my conscience indefinitely. Children are my responsibility, not anyone else. I brought them to this world and it is my responsibility and obligation to take care of them.

My husband wants to know if your a Moron??!

Your not in my shoes.

[Cdnwmn 0]

Hey hey let's all be nice. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I posted once before that if my son (then 11 1/2 years old at the time) had not been allowed to immigrate here, I would have not come here myself but that's me. Everyone has to do what they feel is right. I miss my two adult daughters who are still back in Canada and I have a lot of guilt feelings over that to this day (4 years later) as we were very close. Running back to Canada few times a year is not an option due to finances. For me it might have been a lot easier if I was just a few hours drive away but it is what it is.

[arwensun1965 1]

Hey hey let's all be nice. Everyone is entitled to their opinion

I agree everyone is entitled to an opinion but when that opinion is on a subject that is sensitive at the best of times then that opinion is not worth replying to. As I said in a previous post on this thread, this is a public forum and people do think they have the right to reply even when they know nothing of the heartache or decisions that men and woman make concerning there children, especially when they do not have any children. The people on this thread are not asking for sympathy but SUPPORT in the decisions that they have made. This does not mean that people can degrade us in any way shape or form. If there lives are so Empty then yes by all means be bitter towards the people here on this thread but I would of thought with all that this process involves they would use there time a bit more wisely.

Janice

[Elizabethnhenry 0]

Awww, my heart goes out to you. I don't have any kids, but I was a kid that was left behind. My dad wanted me and said my brother could go with my mom. My brother and I had a meeting and we chose not to be split up. So we both stayed in our home counrty but with my grandparents and my mother migrated to the US. My dad would visit us and take us to stay with him in the summer, but he would suck as a single parent - just not good with children by himself. Soon my dad left for the US and my brother and I stayed on with gramms and gramps until a DECADE later when they finished US college and got good jobs.

Everyday my brother and I ask if it was worth it, because we are both successful professionals and have a good "american life." We both had some serious serious issues and had to get counseling (he did I didn't). And I resented my mom for a long time (Ironically I was not really mad at my dad ).

All I can say to you is just continue to let your son know that you still love and want him. I used to wonder if they would forget about me. SO just keep reminding him that if he should ever change his mind the doors would be open.

I think the fact that you are aware of the possibilty of short changing your daughter and step children is half the battle. Once you are aware you can take special care to make them feel special and "integrated".

Keep all lines of communication open and try to make lots of visits. Look for signs of resentment from any of the kids and get help right away to solve it. Dont let it build up.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

[Fetaria 0]

Awww, my heart goes out to you. I don't have any kids, but I was a kid that was left behind. My dad wanted me and said my brother could go with my mom. My brother and I had a meeting and we chose not to be split up. So we both stayed in our home counrty but with my grandparents and my mother migrated to the US. My dad would visit us and take us to stay with him in the summer, but he would suck as a single parent - just not good with children by himself. Soon my dad left for the US and my brother and I stayed on with gramms and gramps until a DECADE later when they finished US college and got good jobs.

Everyday my brother and I ask if it was worth it, because we are both successful professionals and have a good "american life." We both had some serious serious issues and had to get counseling (he did I didn't). And I resented my mom for a long time (Ironically I was not really mad at my dad ).

All I can say to you is just continue to let your son know that you still love and want him. I used to wonder if they would forget about me. SO just keep reminding him that if he should ever change his mind the doors would be open.

I think the fact that you are aware of the possibilty of short changing your daughter and step children is half the battle. Once you are aware you can take special care to make them feel special and "integrated".

Keep all lines of communication open and try to make lots of visits. Look for signs of resentment from any of the kids and get help right away to solve it. Dont let it build up.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Very good advice and wonderful to hear from a grown child of a similar situation. I will remember your words, thank you. Sometimes I think maybe I over do it a bit, letting them know how much they mean to me, re assuring and offering to talk if they need. I just dont want them to think they have no say or what they feel does not matter because it really does. I want for them to tell me if they are sad or mad because of whatever reason and I worry that they will tell me everything is fine until I notice it is not some other way. I guess all I can do is keep the conversation going and hope they will be honest with me about their feelings. Thank you again for posting.

[raphael7546 0]

Thanks for sharing you perspective as a Grown child who went thru this.

My daughter knows she is loved, we talk everyday online, She can call 24/7 , we fly her here on all school breaks etc.. so I'm pretty sure she knows we didn't just up & leave her. My daughter is looking forward to moving her in 2 yrs. when she is finally legally allowed to move without her dads permission.

[Sharon 1]

Okay.

I've sat back and let this thread run and read it without adding my opinion because this subject is a very delicate one with me. When Rick and I met online 6 years ago and fell in love, my 2 oldest kids were 17 (girl) and 13 (boy). My youngest daughter was just 4 then. For three long years Rick and I were in a long distance relationship. He couldn't move to Canada and give up his pension with the state that he'd already worked almost 20 years for. I wouldn't move to the US because I knew Fawn and Justin were too old to just be uprooted and be immersed in a new country and new way of life (from a big city like Montreal to a farm in the middle of the Blue Ridge Mountains) and already had their lives established and there was no way they were willing to leave it all behind. I didn't think it was fair of me to ask them to, either. So Rick and I endured the separation, seeing each other once for a weekend every 2 or 3 months. My heart broke to pieces at every goodbye. Rick asked me to marry him. I wanted to be able to jump in the air elated as I should have at his proposal but instead it just made me cry even more because I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave my kids behind and I wasn't going to force them to move with me. Then Fawn and Justin got wind of it all. And those 2 wonderful loving children of mine made my decision for me. They sat me down and told me they WANTED me to move to the US and marry Rick. Yes, we'd all miss one another of course but they went on to say that they had never seen me so in love and BE loved as I was with Rick. They knew and had seen first-hand all the ####### I went thru and endured with their father.They told me they'd even gone so far as to already talk to their father about moving in with him and there were no problems with that either. To make a long story short, after thinking it over long and hard for several months, I finally agreed to marry Rick. And I brought my youngest daughter to the US with me.

Now, 3 years later, I can honestly say it works. It wasn't easy at first. I missed Fawn and Justin so terribly. Their father made it diffcult for me to keep in touch with them. I bought them a cam and mic - he wouldn't let them use it. Then actually disconnected his internet service. I kept in touch with them in every way that I could. Phone, snail mail, letters, parcels, anything I could think of. I'd worry when I hadn't heard from them for 2 or 3 weeks at a time hoping they were ok and that "this" wasn't the time when they decided they didn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore. I still worry like that even now, despite their reassurances that it will never happen and it was simply a case of, as my daughter put it, "We have LIVES, Mom!" They are 23 and 18 years old now, after all. I endured many people calling me down, saying I'd abandoned my 2 kids (even tho it wasn't that way at all) I had those who spat on me because I had separated my youngest daughter from her 2 siblings. Even tho she has absolutely THRIVED here in the US and despite the fact that there was a very large age gap between my first 2 and Alli and they never really had a lot in common nor spent a lot of time together. Of course they do love each other as siblings tho and I have definitely made sure that THEY have kept in touch too. We get to see them an average of 2 to 3 times a year. Well....got to see them, I should say. It's been a bit more difficult this past year with both of them now working and going to college. They have boyfriend and a girlfriend and my son also has a rock band that has been making the Montreal circuit as well so they've been really busy. But I am thrilled to say that we leave in 12 short days again for another visit with them in Montreal. A whole week of all three of my kids together in a cottage on a lake! And I will absorb it all in and take a multitude of pics to have something to fall back on when the "dry" times come again, know what I mean?

No...it's not easy. But it's not impossible either. We've been doing it for 3 years now and we've adjusted. It takes time just like anything else. Perserverance...but mostly, love.

[Fetaria 0]

Thank you for sharing your story Sharon. Sounds as if you raised some pretty spectacular kids there. I love hearing such things. Enjoy your visit at the cottage!!

"No...it's not easy. But it's not impossible either. We've been doing it for 3 years now and we've adjusted. It takes time just like anything else. Perserverance...but mostly, love."