The child I left behind

[Fetaria 0]

Hi i could be experiencing this very thing!, i am near the end of my divorce, then i will start my fiance visa off to be with my love Sue in Michigan. I have 3 boys 7,2,2, i have been there main primary carer since they were all Born. My wife goes to work.

My solicitor said she doesn't have much of a chance as she went off to find her old bf from 11 years ago and they want a child of their own!. I'm just busy worrying about being able to take them with me to lived!....gotta go through the high court and stuff. I've already been out to states with eldest boy for nearly 3 weeks,he cried he had to come back to his own mum!.. So i need lots of prayers people and best wishes!..

Watch this space i will keep you all posted,....... Also any advice would be good too!...

Derbys12

Have you talked with your ex-wife about the possiblity of the children moving with you? Does she still live near by or has she moved away already? Please do keep us informed. I don't have much in the way of advice or wisdom as I do not know how the court system works in your country. Hopefully someone from your area reads your post and has some ideas they can share about your situation. My ex husband and I went to a family mediator before the divorce. It was very helpful to talk to a lawyer who was on neither side but full of information as to what the divorce judge would be looking for in regards to the children's well being. We were able to take that information and draw up an agreement that suited us as well as satisfied the court.

Edited June 5, 2006 by Fetaria

[Shari 6]

Put your head before your heart and decide what is best for the kids. No matter how far you live from them they will not feel one ounce of abandonment if you work to ensure they don't. It is not easy, I did not know just how not easy it would be.

Fetaria - I'm not exactly in the same situation as you, but still in a quandry of "head before your heart". My husband moved here from England. He can't find a job as an engineer here as he doesn't have a BS. He has been looking for a job since January. We are having to look outside our city, actually outside our state for jobs he had experience in back in England (subsea work). I have 14-year-old boy/girl twins. My ex lived only a mile down the road from me so even though my daughter lives with me and my son with his dad, I saw him often and my ex saw my daughter often. My kids have been born and raised in the city we live in and have gone to the same school district. My daughter told me that if my husband and I have to move, she would not go with me because she wouldn't want to leave her school, friends, school softball (that she has played since 5), big sister (age 20), etc. It kinda broke my heart, but again, you said what is best for the child. Well her dad moved last month and is renting a smaller house outside the school district, and if we moved, he would have to move back to the school district and get a bigger house. He already struggles with money as he is on disability. She gets along okay with her dad, but better with me, and he is not into her ball as I am and has only been to about 2 games this year out of 40.

Of course this is all premature as we don't even know if we are moving, but its more of a possibility than not. I too would be heartbroken, not just becaues of my youngest daughter, but because of moving away from my son and oldest daughter too that I see a couple times a week. Again, I know she wouldn't want to move, but how do I make her feel the decision is not picking my husband over her? It has to do with money and a job my husband would love. We are barely surviving on my income alone. Thanks Fetaria.

[Fetaria 0]

Put your head before your heart and decide what is best for the kids. No matter how far you live from them they will not feel one ounce of abandonment if you work to ensure they don't. It is not easy, I did not know just how not easy it would be.

Fetaria - I'm not exactly in the same situation as you, but still in a quandry of "head before your heart". My husband moved here from England. He can't find a job as an engineer here as he doesn't have a BS. He has been looking for a job since January. We are having to look outside our city, actually outside our state for jobs he had experience in back in England (subsea work). I have 14-year-old boy/girl twins. My ex lived only a mile down the road from me so even though my daughter lives with me and my son with his dad, I saw him often and my ex saw my daughter often. My kids have been born and raised in the city we live in and have gone to the same school district. My daughter told me that if my husband and I have to move, she would not go with me because she wouldn't want to leave her school, friends, school softball (that she has played since 5), big sister (age 20), etc. It kinda broke my heart, but again, you said what is best for the child. Well her dad moved last month and is renting a smaller house outside the school district, and if we moved, he would have to move back to the school district and get a bigger house. He already struggles with money as he is on disability. She gets along okay with her dad, but better with me, and he is not into her ball as I am and has only been to about 2 games this year out of 40.

Of course this is all premature as we don't even know if we are moving, but its more of a possibility than not. I too would be heartbroken, not just becaues of my youngest daughter, but because of moving away from my son and oldest daughter too that I see a couple times a week. Again, I know she wouldn't want to move, but how do I make her feel the decision is not picking my husband over her? It has to do with money and a job my husband would love. We are barely surviving on my income alone. Thanks Fetaria.

What a hard decision for you. Good to be thinking it through beforehand even not knowing for sure yet. I spent a lot of time discussing that very thing with my kids. How this was not me choosing anyone over them. They are my number one priority always. Although they may not see it now, as adults they will understand that I had to do what I did to create a happy secure life for myself, as well as them. They have family who love them stretching over to countries now. Twice as many grandparents and siblings to love. Honestly, the deciding factor for me was. I wanted to set the example for them. I wanted them to know they are in charge of their own happiness. The thought of either of them sacrificing years of their life as adults in unhappiness scared me. I did not want to stay put and unhappy for the next decade just to have them as adults say.. Mom? what the hell were you thinking? Why didnt you leave? Us as parents have to see the big picture and make the decisions based on that. Good luck with the changes in your life. It will all turn out as it should

[MIKE & BETTY 0]

I don't know what to say. My 6 years old daughter is with me, we moved together, it has been difficult for her but she say that she loves me and I tell her every day that I'm lucky because she is with me!

Best wishes and a very very big hug.

[sarah and hicham 3]

I can tell you what Dr. Laura would say. She would say you should not subject your children to another relationship until they are 18 years old and mature and on their own. I can't imagine what she would say to someone who left their kids behind you might not want to call in with that one or she would probably get prettttyyy nasty. She would say that you are the parent and you are responsible for your kids and you have to sacrafice things (like a relationship) in order to care for them until they are 18 or go to college or are independent. You chose to have kids and they should be your number one priority in your life.

That's not necessarily my opinion but I just wanted to throw that out there.

Come n get it.

[Fetaria 0]

This last post opens up a whole nother can of worms and I do not want to deter from the support system we got going here. The doctor laura statement ( I dont know who that is ) is a valid point. However I disagree if it is to say we have not put our children first. Those who have left an abusive relationship and not stayed put in order to keep the family together "for the children", I believe have put their children first. I also have to disagree with the point of not subjecting children to new relationships until they are 18. The relationship my husband has with my daughter (his step daughter) has been beneficial on so many levels for her. She has the male role model that she needs in her life. From the PM's I have recieved along with the posts here I see many parents making their children their number one priorites. That said, I see many .. many.. families living together neglecting their children and not giving a rats ### about them or what is going on in their lives. Not appreciating what they have and wasting the time they share. In an ideal world we would meet mister or mrs right the first time. Obviously it doesnt always work that way. As lonely as I get for my son I am confident knowing he has the best of both worlds, he is loved more than he could possibly imagine and he will grow up well rounded. Give me this so called Dr Laura's phone number.. I would love to chat with her.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

WOW. Sarah, that was really uncalled for. People on this thread have made some REALLY difficult choices. You say it may not even necessarily be your own opinion...so why even post something possibly inflammatory in a thread where people are trying to get support and comfort in dealing with the decisions they made? Yeah, yeah, yeah...everyone is entitled to their say, blah blah blah,it's getting really old to see that excuse for poor judgement used over and over. Sometimes it just isn't necessary to post things that are going to likely make people feel bad. Common sense should prevail in some situations, not just "I'll just post whatever I want 'cause it's my RIGHT..." Post sounded just a 'touch' judgemental to me, and I'm not even in the situation.

Edited to add: BTW, Craig is the best thing that could have happened for my son. Has been more of a Dad to him (and calls him that for some time now) in the last couple of years than my deadbeat ex ever was...who has rarely ever had anything to do with him, and certainly hasn't for years now. I made a poor choice back then, but a lot of us have...hindsight and all. I just thank God Corey came out of it. A lot of stepparents are MUCH better parents than biological ones could EVER be. Kinda blows "Dr. Laura's" theory out of the water when you see real-life applications of the wonderful things a new relationship can do in a child's life, now doesn't it? BTW, yeah, my relationship was abusive as well.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming, and (((HUGS))) to all of you here on this thread going through these issues. M.

Edited June 6, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[arwensun1965 0]

Do not know what to say really, as with some other people I too left behind children I love and cherish. I did ask them what THEY wanted and we did discuss everything from the beginning. YES it is hard and Yes I cry my eyes out at least twice a week, it is extremely difficult to comprehend everything. I talk to my eldest twice a week on the phone asking her how she is doing at college and what life with her father is like, he never took any responsibility for her when she was younger but has now surprised me with how things are working out. The twins one boy and one girl talk to me most days on the computer. My son tells me he knows the truth of things and they both tell me that they love me very much and do not take any notice of what other people say, they are so grown up about it all, which makes me cry even more. The adjustment of it all is very hard and perhaps one day things will change, I can only hope on that. The children want to come and visit as soon as things have settled and Jon and I have our own place, we currently live with his mother (who is wonderful) and the children are all excited over the whole process. As I said we communicate everyday and that is what keeps us all together. A lot of people on this site have been extremely helpful and nice, the ones who give judgement, well you just have to learn to say *%$#@ to them sort of people as it is only a web site, they do not know all of your situation and quite honestly they never will.

Janice

[sarah and hicham 3]

Well I was listening to the radio the other day and heard her say this. I am in no way saying that people who leave their kids behind have done the wrong thing and I am quite aware that everyone's situation is different. I have enjoyed reading this thread and I think that those of you who have left behind your kids behind have all of the best intentions for yuor children and I know you love them more than anything. Even though I believe Dr. Laura is a nutcase at most times but I was not applying what she said to people who have left their kids. I was simply shring what I heard, and in SOME cases I do agree with her but not all and I know that everyone's reasons are different. I am in no way saying that people on this thread have made poor choices at all I was just sharing something I recently heard on the subject. They are her words, not mine and what she said just made me think about this thread and not because I don't think people should leave their kids.

I do not agree with most things she says and I do not agree with what she said about leaving your kids because I know that every situation is different. It's just something I heard and it made me think of this thread when I saw it is all!

[MichelleandCraig 1]

That's not necessarily my opinion but I just wanted to throw that out there.

Come n get it.

Do not know what to say really, as with some other people I too left behind children I love and cherish. I did ask them what THEY wanted and we did discuss everything from the beginning. YES it is hard and Yes I cry my eyes out at least twice a week, it is extremely difficult to comprehend everything. I talk to my eldest twice a week on the phone asking her how she is doing at college and what life with her father is like, he never took any responsibility for her when she was younger but has now surprised me with how things are working out. The twins one boy and one girl talk to me most days on the computer. My son tells me he knows the truth of things and they both tell me that they love me very much and do not take any notice of what other people say, they are so grown up about it all, which makes me cry even more. The adjustment of it all is very hard and perhaps one day things will change, I can only hope on that. The children want to come and visit as soon as things have settled and Jon and I have our own place, we currently live with his mother (who is wonderful) and the children are all excited over the whole process. As I said we communicate everyday and that is what keeps us all together. A lot of people on this site have been extremely helpful and nice, the ones who give judgement, well you just have to learn to say *%$#@ to them sort of people as it is only a web site, they do not know all of your situation and quite honestly they never will.

Janice

Sarah..so what was THAT about then, if you had no intention of irriating people or passing judgement? (bolded above)

Janice..your words, above...VERY well said(again, bolded) I really should learn to do that...actually, sometimes I do, but when I see people already hurting being 'scolded' for their behavior, even if it's hiding behind a guise of someone else, it chaps me.

[sarah and hicham 3]

That's not necessarily my opinion but I just wanted to throw that out there.

Come n get it.

Do not know what to say really, as with some other people I too left behind children I love and cherish. I did ask them what THEY wanted and we did discuss everything from the beginning. YES it is hard and Yes I cry my eyes out at least twice a week, it is extremely difficult to comprehend everything. I talk to my eldest twice a week on the phone asking her how she is doing at college and what life with her father is like, he never took any responsibility for her when she was younger but has now surprised me with how things are working out. The twins one boy and one girl talk to me most days on the computer. My son tells me he knows the truth of things and they both tell me that they love me very much and do not take any notice of what other people say, they are so grown up about it all, which makes me cry even more. The adjustment of it all is very hard and perhaps one day things will change, I can only hope on that. The children want to come and visit as soon as things have settled and Jon and I have our own place, we currently live with his mother (who is wonderful) and the children are all excited over the whole process. As I said we communicate everyday and that is what keeps us all together. A lot of people on this site have been extremely helpful and nice, the ones who give judgement, well you just have to learn to say *%$#@ to them sort of people as it is only a web site, they do not know all of your situation and quite honestly they never will.

Janice

Sarah..so what was THAT about then, if you had no intention of irriating people or passing judgement? (bolded above)

Janice..your words, above...VERY well said(again, bolded) I really should learn to do that...actually, sometimes I do, but when I see people already hurting being 'scolded' for their behavior, even if it's hiding behind a guise of someone else, it chaps me.

It's Dr. Laura, she always get me riled up

[MichelleandCraig 1]

*sigh* Point entirely missed, but that's ok. I'll leave this thread alone now so it can get back to the job at hand...being a place where people can come to share their experiences with one another and see that others are sharing the same ones. Fetaria, I'm truly sorry to have interrupted the flow here; this thread was a terrific idea. I'm sure many people have gained some bit of comfort just in knowing that they're not alone. I know from experience, sometimes that's all it takes to feel just a little bit better. M.

[LaL 418]

ready....... set ...... BACKPEDDLE!!!!!

because this is a very serious topic and hats off to the brave members who are going through this

[raphael7546 0]

I see my 10 yr old daughter for Spring Breaks, All Summer breaks, All ThanksGivings, and All Christmas Breaks.She will however be legally allowed to move here in 2 yrs. without her Bio Dads consent.

In fact.... Were going to pick her up July3rd and we can't wait !

In regards to the comment made about Dr. Laura... Well , Dr. Laura isn't in my position and until she is, I don't give a flying Rats ### what the pompous chick thinks.

My daughter has a much better relationship with my new Hubby then she ever had, or ever will have with her Bio Dad.

Children aren't stupid, they know whats going on. My daughter is well aware that the only reason she is still in Canada and not with me is becuase her Bio Dad recinded his permission, 2 weeks before our Immigration Interview Date.

He may have won the battle but her sure as hell hasn't won the War!

[Peggy 1]

Hope everyone is doing alright.

HUGS TO EVERYONE MISSING THERE CHILDREN