The child I left behind

[Peggy 1]

Enjoy your time with your daughter Lily...........

[raphael7546 0]

Awww Thanks Tracy & Peggy.

I can't wait to see my lil girl.

She is gonna be so excited when she sees her bedroom. I painted & re-decorated it. ( I'm an Interior Designer/Decorator by trade) I did it in her favorite Bratz Theme.

[Peggy 1]

How sweet Lily, I am sure see will love it.

[Fetaria 0]

Awww Thanks Tracy & Peggy.

I can't wait to see my lil girl.

She is gonna be so excited when she sees her bedroom. I painted & re-decorated it. ( I'm an Interior Designer/Decorator by trade) I did it in her favorite Bratz Theme.

My daughter is very into Bratz.. would love to see pictures of what you did.

[~Jess~ 0]

This thread is wonderful.....................I am in a similar situation but yet mine is quite different........I am the USC and I came to Lebanon with my husband to wait out this horribly long immigration process. He was deported and has a ten year ban, but we are hoping after the I130 is approved that we will be elligible to file a waiver and take us home sooner................anyway i have a 5 year old son from my first marriage. thankfully my ex husband and i are still on fairly good terms, however he didnt allow me to move my son here with me. Lebanon is a country that is very unstable so in all honesty i cant blame him for not wanting our son here.........however it breaks my heart to be away from my baby. ive posted a few different boards of my heartbreak and have been told i am a horrible mother......a lot of people have questioned me on this including my own family. they think i made a bad choice leaving my son with his dad.................with income limited and his dad not willing to pay for travel expenses i am not sure when i will be able to come back to the US and visit and i am not sure my ex will allow my son to come here even for a visit. i was talking to my husband last night about when i would be able to go for a visit, and right now neither of us are working so it is so tough to make ends meet. he knows how upset i am and it upsets him that he cant guarentee me anything. airfare is just so expensive for round trips.........there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think of my precious son, he is growing up now and i am missing out, he is starting school this sept and i wont be there to see him off and that tears my heart into shreds. i love and miss my baby and i cant seem to talk to him enough, his dad doesnt have internet at home right now so i have only talked to him twice on the phone since i have been here for 2mths...........................

[raphael7546 0]

Awww, I'm sry your apart from your little boy.

Perhaps if the father won't allow your son to visit lebanon, maybe you could meet at a different country half way in between or more stable? Maybe a country like England?

With My custody agreement I had lawyers put down in writing that my exhusband is to have reliable Internet service with webcam & mic so I can talk to my daughter on a regular basis.

Its also stated that my brother can pick her up once a month and take her to see my family/her grand parents. I think its important that she still has a connection to them.

I'm lucky my family has been very supportive. In fact when I second guessed myself on leaving , my parents told me that things happen for a reason and if I wasn't supposed to be in the states at this time, then I wouldn't have gotten this visa.

Wishing everyone who's had to leave Children behind , a quick reunion.

[Fetaria 0]

jessNgeorges

What a hard time you must be having. You are not a horrible mother. Even without the internet if maybe his father could take pictures, pictures are cheap. It would be a way for you to follow his progress. Start a scrapbook and add to it each time you get some. Send your son pictures of you. Write him letters. Even if his father has to read them to him. You do not have to be in the same room, our country for that matter for him to know how much you love him and how much he is thought of each day. My heart goes out to you, you are not alone in this.

[mullensgirl 0]

Well i am facing the dilema right now. I have not psted on the boards for a long while becasue i just feel so upset and have not wanted to be judged.

My daughters father has signed and affidavit saying she can come and live with me in the states, she is 10, but my sons father will not. I dont want to drag my kids through a big court case, but at the same time, i dont want my sn to ever think i gave up on him.

I just dont know what to do, my son is not yet 4, i know i could some back for visits, and phone him, and talk to him online ( so to speak) .

ON the one hand i have this great future ahead of me, for myself and my kids, on the other hand if my ex will not give me permission then i have to leave my son behind. I know if i stay, i will feel a resentment in my sitation, and i dont want that to affect my relationship with my children. There is no option for Chris to live here as he is in the military,

I know only i can make this decision, but i have no support here at home, my family are unsupportive of my relationship.

[raphael7546 0]

Well i am facing the dilema right now. I have not psted on the boards for a long while becasue i just feel so upset and have not wanted to be judged.

My daughters father has signed and affidavit saying she can come and live with me in the states, she is 10, but my sons father will not. I dont want to drag my kids through a big court case, but at the same time, i dont want my sn to ever think i gave up on him.

I just dont know what to do, my son is not yet 4, i know i could some back for visits, and phone him, and talk to him online ( so to speak) .

ON the one hand i have this great future ahead of me, for myself and my kids, on the other hand if my ex will not give me permission then i have to leave my son behind. I know if i stay, i will feel a resentment in my sitation, and i dont want that to affect my relationship with my children. There is no option for Chris to live here as he is in the military,

I know only i can make this decision, but i have no support here at home, my family are unsupportive of my relationship.

Sry your Ex isn't being supportive in the move to have your son come with you.

I know how hard it is when your man is in the military . Everyone kept saying "Why doesn't he come here and live with you? If he loves you as much as he says he does, he would move here!" Well , thats impossible when he can't even get leave, let alone move to another country. My hubby was in the Air Force for 20 yrs. Ya can't just walk away.

Is it possible for you to contact a Child advocacy group in your city? Maybe they can mediate and arrange some sort of agreement between your ex & yourself. Maybe offer to pay for flights back home for the child . Maybe agree that you won't seek child support if he lets you move the child. Show that its in his best interest.

Goodluck!

[raymaga 25]

I can definitely relate to all your stories. I came here alone and left behind my 3 kids. My two oldest boys were adults, but my daughter was 16 at the time, and then she followed me here last year.

But, on the sibling separation subject...... when my ex-husband and I split up 8 years ago, we gave all 3 kids the decision of who they wanted to live with. My oldest son decided to live with me, and my younger son and daughter lived with their Dad. I got a lot of negative comments from people about separating siblings. In our case, it worked out fine because my ex-husband and I decided we would always put the kids first and our needs second. We always lived walking distance from each other and the kids always came and went between our homes as they pleased. We had no set visitation schedule as we had joint custody of all 3 kids. It worked out very well for us, so siblings can be separated and still have a positive outcome.

I miss my two sons (almost 23 and almost 25) terribly every single day and I do sometimes regret my decision to move to the U.S. I miss the casual Sunday pot roast dinners the most. They have full lives.... jobs, friends, leisure activities.... so they are busy and happy. Thank goodness I only live 3 hours away and get to see them at least every couple of months. And we have a summer place in Canada, so they come and stay for the weekends at the Lake when they want to.

My heart goes out to all the Mothers (and Fathers) who have had to leave kids behind in order to be with the love of their lives!!!!!!

[evilcanuck 0]

feel for everyone who had to leave thier kids behind... I left my 2 sons in Canada as well.

here is the situation...

I divorced in 2001, my kids father and I drew up our own seperation agreement...I offered him visitation etc, he said he 'couldnt commit to every second weekend' (he didnt even work ffs, but thats another story), so I amended the seperation agreement to 'Mother has sole custody and the father has reasonable access with reasonable notice' This was acceptable to him and he signed, the seperation agreement became part of the divorce......I dont need his permission to take the boys here, I dont even have to notify him...of course i would have to know where he was to notify him wouldnt i???? heh

so anyways the kids and I moved from our small Northern Ontario town to a small city in Southern Ontario where we lived for 3 years...fast forward to spring of 2004, my eldest was in 9th grade at a highschool of over 2000 students..after a year wracked with one problem with the school or another and issues with the home life (we were living with my sister because my ex stopped paying support and she is the most miserable person in the world and he was miserable depressed etc.) we decided to send him back up north to live with my other sister who was single, no kids and really wanted him there...we wre always a really close family so having him live with his aunt was not an unusual thing...so there went my then 15 year old but at least I knew he was safe, happier at home and in a better school with 200 students and perhaps the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with his father (in the year he lived there he saw him 3 tmes...2 times by accident bumping into him on the street).

So in July 2004 we applied for the K-1 and I listed both my sons on it, intending to bring them both over with me....I was met with much resistance from the older boy, and he was doing soooo well at my sisters, we decided if he maintained his behaviour and schooling he could stay there....better to allow him to stay than o frce him to move and have him resent me or run away back there right?

Ok on to the younger one...he was living with me in southern ontario at my other sisters....the miserable one....but he seeed to be able to tolerate her and her husband better than anyone...the trick was to stay in his room almost all the time lol. So we finally got our interview in Montreal in October of 2005, the younger one was already in 9th grade nd doing extremely well...my move was planned for December....not wanting to screw with his education, we all decided that he could remain until the end of the school year then move with me. We listed him as 'follow to join'. The lady who first dealt with us at Montreal, the one who got all the papers in order before the interview, talked this over with us both and really made me feel more comfortable with the situation. I was so appreciative of her insight into the situation without judging me for 'leaving my children behind'.

My younger son adamandtly refused to move with me at any time, demanding he stay in Ontario, not being an ### about it but asserting his adolescent rights hehe. He is a shy kid and has few close friends, that kind of took him a long time to make, He is scared to death about moving here and being 'the foreign kid' etc. ALl the fears of a teenage boy....so we caved in and said...if you do well in school and dont get into trouble...you can stay.

The eldest ran away from my sisters in Northern Ontario and is living in the same city as my younger son now....on his own, the big 18 grown up but he is doing ok and its only 5 hours to visit him instead of driving 10 He refuuses to come to the USA (he has a girlfriend he doesnt want to leave and some brilliant lawmaker says they are adults and can make these decisions).

Now...my sister who the younger one lives with emailed me the day of my wedding to tell me she is moving out west!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! The deal I made with my boy was he could live there with her in that city where his school and friends were....not just stay in canad ain general and i'll be damned if I am gonna let her take him to northern alfreakinberta!!! So....thank god I had him on all the paperwork, he is sending his passport in to Montral for them to put the visa on it and I will be picking him up this summer not for a visit but to live with me

He didnt put up any fuss, ddnt argue or ###### one time about it. I was amazed because he was so anti-moving before...I think he wants to be here just didnt want to admit it because he had made such a fuss about not living here.

We let the boys decide for themselves...they were 14 and 17 when the move took place, they werent 'children' although my eldest sister wont speak to me, I am the devil for 'abandoning my children' and she refuses to acknowledge my husband and marriage as she feels he should have moved to canada to be with me...he must not love me enuf, etc etc etc......

In the end....I get my baby here with me in a few months, the eldest.....I pray for LOL but as he says "you moved out on your own at 16 mom and you turned out ok, I'll be ok too" . Makes me want to pull my hair out because there is a LOT between 16 and now he has NOOOO idea about......kids...gotta love em enuf to let em go sometimes

[Peggy 1]

I hope your youngest does good in the USA.

Just give him a couple of months to adjust casue it will be hard for him.

I took my 16 year old son here with me. He liked it for about a month, casue it was all new. Then for the next 3 or 4 months he hated it here. Told me he wanted to go home everyday. That really bothered me becasue I dont think I could have stayed here with my youngest going back home. All these things were running thru my head about the decision I might have to make whether or not to leave if he went home.

Thankfully he really likes it here and has been settled for the last 3 months. He has made so many friends here, for which I am thankful.

I think its harder for a teenager to move here. They just miss there family and friends from home so much. Plus he was missing his older brother(his only brother).

I am just glad that things have settled for him here.

[daisy16 0]

Wonderful news about your youngest, evil! I'll bet he misses you so very much, and that's why he's happy to join you.

[maggs 0]

Hi there Evilcanuck

My son didn't want to move to the US with me either. He was 18 at the time so he stayed with my daughter and he was going to do the grown up man thing! Well, we (USC hubby) applied for his I-130 anyway and I am so glad we did as a year later, he decided he wanted to come here after all! He has been here 2 years now and is in his sophomore year at college and loving every minute. Now that I am a permanent resident I have applied for my daughter although it will take quite a few years yet.

What I'm trying to get to is this. If you have your permanent residency why not apply for your older son anyway. It takes so many years that by the time it is eventually approved he might just want to come to be nearer you. At least the application would be in place. If he gets to 25 and then decides he wants to come here there will be at least another 6 year wait probably more (unless you become a USC) so getting the ball rolling now would be a prudent thing to do.

By the way, my daughter is coming to visit in 5 weeks and 6 days ! I am soooooo looking forward to seeing her and giving her a great big hug that I don't want to end. Oh-Oh here come the tears!

Maggie

feel for everyone who had to leave thier kids behind... I left my 2 sons in Canada as well.

here is the situation...

I divorced in 2001, my kids father and I drew up our own seperation agreement...I offered him visitation etc, he said he 'couldnt commit to every second weekend' (he didnt even work ffs, but thats another story), so I amended the seperation agreement to 'Mother has sole custody and the father has reasonable access with reasonable notice' This was acceptable to him and he signed, the seperation agreement became part of the divorce......I dont need his permission to take the boys here, I dont even have to notify him...of course i would have to know where he was to notify him wouldnt i???? heh

so anyways the kids and I moved from our small Northern Ontario town to a small city in Southern Ontario where we lived for 3 years...fast forward to spring of 2004, my eldest was in 9th grade at a highschool of over 2000 students..after a year wracked with one problem with the school or another and issues with the home life (we were living with my sister because my ex stopped paying support and she is the most miserable person in the world and he was miserable depressed etc.) we decided to send him back up north to live with my other sister who was single, no kids and really wanted him there...we wre always a really close family so having him live with his aunt was not an unusual thing...so there went my then 15 year old but at least I knew he was safe, happier at home and in a better school with 200 students and perhaps the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with his father (in the year he lived there he saw him 3 tmes...2 times by accident bumping into him on the street).

So in July 2004 we applied for the K-1 and I listed both my sons on it, intending to bring them both over with me....I was met with much resistance from the older boy, and he was doing soooo well at my sisters, we decided if he maintained his behaviour and schooling he could stay there....better to allow him to stay than o frce him to move and have him resent me or run away back there right?

Ok on to the younger one...he was living with me in southern ontario at my other sisters....the miserable one....but he seeed to be able to tolerate her and her husband better than anyone...the trick was to stay in his room almost all the time lol. So we finally got our interview in Montreal in October of 2005, the younger one was already in 9th grade nd doing extremely well...my move was planned for December....not wanting to screw with his education, we all decided that he could remain until the end of the school year then move with me. We listed him as 'follow to join'. The lady who first dealt with us at Montreal, the one who got all the papers in order before the interview, talked this over with us both and really made me feel more comfortable with the situation. I was so appreciative of her insight into the situation without judging me for 'leaving my children behind'.

My younger son adamandtly refused to move with me at any time, demanding he stay in Ontario, not being an ### about it but asserting his adolescent rights hehe. He is a shy kid and has few close friends, that kind of took him a long time to make, He is scared to death about moving here and being 'the foreign kid' etc. ALl the fears of a teenage boy....so we caved in and said...if you do well in school and dont get into trouble...you can stay.

The eldest ran away from my sisters in Northern Ontario and is living in the same city as my younger son now....on his own, the big 18 grown up but he is doing ok and its only 5 hours to visit him instead of driving 10 He refuuses to come to the USA (he has a girlfriend he doesnt want to leave and some brilliant lawmaker says they are adults and can make these decisions).

Now...my sister who the younger one lives with emailed me the day of my wedding to tell me she is moving out west!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! The deal I made with my boy was he could live there with her in that city where his school and friends were....not just stay in canad ain general and i'll be damned if I am gonna let her take him to northern alfreakinberta!!! So....thank god I had him on all the paperwork, he is sending his passport in to Montral for them to put the visa on it and I will be picking him up this summer not for a visit but to live with me

He didnt put up any fuss, ddnt argue or ###### one time about it. I was amazed because he was so anti-moving before...I think he wants to be here just didnt want to admit it because he had made such a fuss about not living here.

We let the boys decide for themselves...they were 14 and 17 when the move took place, they werent 'children' although my eldest sister wont speak to me, I am the devil for 'abandoning my children' and she refuses to acknowledge my husband and marriage as she feels he should have moved to canada to be with me...he must not love me enuf, etc etc etc......

In the end....I get my baby here with me in a few months, the eldest.....I pray for LOL but as he says "you moved out on your own at 16 mom and you turned out ok, I'll be ok too" . Makes me want to pull my hair out because there is a LOT between 16 and now he has NOOOO idea about......kids...gotta love em enuf to let em go sometimes

Edited March 16, 2006 by maggs

[evilcanuck 0]

my oldest is on the application and from what i understand, we have a year to finish it..he will have to go for the medical and the interview in montreal still, but he was listed on the original petition so i have until october to convince him to follow thru 'just in case'. thank god i brought the younger one with me to montreal and found out about the floow to join thing