The child I left behind

[calliecat 0]

I have been here in the states without my children now for over a year and a half. They are now 14, 15 and 16. It was the hardest decision of my life to leave them and one I question constantly. I talk to them on the phone every day and am fortunate to see them at least once a month but it still isn't the same. I let my kids decide where they want to be. They of course chose to stay in the only home they've ever known. The most important thing to me was that they stay happy and staying in Canada is what makes them happy. They have so many friends and extra curricular activities there that I would never have pulled them away from. Their schools are wonderful and they generally do well. At there age, these things are most important to them. I love them with all my heart and they do me as well but we still and always will miss each other.

I also stayed in a bad marriage for my kids sake and was there about 10 years too long. I was a stay at home mom for 12 years so was able to give them a wonderful start to life and instill some great values in their lives.

I still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes and my husband doesn't always understand. He has two children 12 and 14 and we don't see eye to eye all the time. We only have them part time so that makes it a little easier on me.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I still have a wonderful relationship with my kids. I would love it if they one day decided to move down here but I know in my heart that won't happen. My oldest is considering coming here for college but we'll see.

My heart goes out to you and I completely understand your heartache.

Bonnie

Edited March 3, 2006 by calliecat

[snz1802 0]

I have to say this thread has touched my heart. I did not realize there were so many women out there that were in this situation. I lost custody of my son 4 years ago and it is the most heart-wrenching, hurtful thing that anyone can ever go through. I have made sure my son and I have kept a very close relationship over the past 4 years, he is 14 years old now. He always turns to me when he is in need of emotional support or any kind of support for that matter. He knows he can count on me for anything. So, it doesn't really matter how far away you are from your children, they still know in their hearts who their mom is. That bond can never be broken even if you are miles away from each other.

[Fetaria 0]

"So, it doesn't really matter how far away you are from your children, they still know in their hearts who their mom is. That bond can never be broken even if you are miles away from each other."

.. so true, I read that line many times over..

It was pointed out to me not long ago that the bond I share with my son is stronger than some parents have with their children that they live with in the same house every day. Distance cannot change that. I am still able to get on him about his homework from here and tell him to clean behind his ears and give him advice about girls.. whether he wants it or not!

So with Spring break and summer vacation coming soon I am counting down until I can be with again. I was wondering if anyone has landed any wonderful travel deals for flying their children back and forth? What have your experiences been in that? So far we have only flown my son back to Canada. We used United and Air Canada. They both charged a $60 unaccompanied minor fee on top the seat fee and I had to have someone meet him in Edmonton for the transfer between airlines. It was a small price to pay to not have to worry about him getting through customs or being alone at all.

Edited March 3, 2006 by Fetaria

[Euro 3]

This thread is so good, I didnt realise so many more of you had been seperated from your kids like me, its something we just dont talk about.

but now i can say it out LOUD....."I miss my little man so much "

I didn't realize you left alone Amanda.....*hugs* to ya! Society does't take well to women who live without their kids..for whatever reason....I guess that's why there is a kind of 'silence' about it.....who wants to be criticized when there is already alot of pain....

Yes i did, my Ex was being a right prat about it, I didnt want to drag my son through a huge battle so i asked him what he wanted to do,we had a very good talk, over a period of a few months we talked about it lots, the up side & the down side, he chose to stay as thats where all his friend & the rest of his family is, I think the thought of changing school etc scared him too much, so i respected his wishes & so he stayed, but i told him that I didnt leave him there cos i didnt love him or want him, but that i left him there because i loved him so much & wanted him to be happy, and never to forget that no matter what it is that i will always be here for him, and if he ever wanted me so bad that i would hop on a plane in a heart beat to be there for him, we talk all the time and he puts his cam on, he is so vain posing on cam all the time.hahaha......so he knows that he only has to say the word & i will do everything in my poswer to bring him here to be with me, i do hope that as he gets older this is what he might want to do, he has just had his birthday he is now 10, my other son is 22 i miss him a great deal too.....

here's a picture of my handsome little fella

[daisy16 0]

It doesn't matter how old your kids are, you miss them. Mine is 22 1/2 and I miss him like crazy. After being a single parent for years and it being just him and I, it's so hard to not be there. I tell my husband that I abandoned my son and hubby gently laughs and says that he's a man and he's right. But I'm not there with him and I hate that. I know that it was good for my son to go out on his own, but I think this is too far away. The same city would have been far enough apart.

At this point in my life I'm not sure that I did the right thing by moving here. I hope the feelings change.

[annelizabeth 1]

I left behind my 21 yr old daughter and my now 24 yr old son and it is still gut wrenching. I figured that at their ages and finding their own way in life now, they might not miss me quite so much. But boy do I miss them! My girl is on her way to see me right now: via Thailand, Australia, New Zealand and Fiji. I can't wait to see her in mid-May.

Sometimes I find myself feeling very resentful towards my step-kids and their attitude towards their Dad and I. He never wants to upset them, being the non-custodial parent and they play on that with their guilt-trip games. It makes me want to scream 'at least you have your Dad' nearby. (I never do) but it sometimes it just seems so unfair and then I feel mean for thinking like that. Hard to put into words, but I imagine that someone here will know what I mean.

[Fetaria 0]

Sometimes I find myself feeling very resentful towards my step-kids and their attitude towards their Dad and I. He never wants to upset them, being the non-custodial parent and they play on that with their guilt-trip games. It makes me want to scream 'at least you have your Dad' nearby. (I never do) but it sometimes it just seems so unfair and then I feel mean for thinking like that. Hard to put into words, but I imagine that someone here will know what I mean.

I do understand how you feel and you should not feel guilty or "mean" for your feelings for that what they are. We put too much guilt on ourselves for our feelings. As long as we don't take it out on our spouses or other children because they did not do anything to deserve the reaction to our feeling with that. There was no other choice for where we lived, I was the one who had to make the move and we talked a lot about this very thing. When I feel the resentment build I just have to remind myself why I am feeling that way and that my choices put me where I am today not anyone elses so to keep it at bay and not let anyone else suffer for it. As for your spouses children playing on his feelings of guilt, that is a hard thing to deal with. The thing with kids though is they learn fast how to work their parents and if he allows them to do so they will continue on with it.

Edited March 3, 2006 by Fetaria

[TracyTN 237]

Those are great pictures, Fetaria and euro. Thanks for sharing!!

[Fetaria 0]

Euro, your son is gorgeous and he knows it

Our boys are the same age and it sounds as if we went about things in a similar way. I could of fought for him, I probably could of won that fight. I have seen what happens in some cases where that happens though. It was not worth the risk of hurting the children so I kept things amicable. I knew that taking him away from his tight group of friends and the town he loves dearly would be hard on him. He is very close with his grandparents and has strong ties there. We make sure he knows I could be there within a day if need be and if ever he wanted to live here we could make that happen. Who knows what the future will bring, I would love if he was with me every day but if not, I know he will have a good life where he is and he knows he has unlimited unconditional love from his mom.

It doesn't matter how old your kids are, you miss them. Mine is 22 1/2 and I miss him like crazy. After being a single parent for years and it being just him and I, it's so hard to not be there. I tell my husband that I abandoned my son and hubby gently laughs and says that he's a man and he's right. But I'm not there with him and I hate that. I know that it was good for my son to go out on his own, but I think this is too far away. The same city would have been far enough apart.

At this point in my life I'm not sure that I did the right thing by moving here. I hope the feelings change.

One more point for the day on this

I just read through the replies again for the umpteenth time and so many of you commented on how it doesnt matter the age of your children, the separation hurts just as much. This made me flip things around in my mind and think about how this affected my parents.. leaving them for the first time. I had never lived further than an hour away from them. My mom is still very sad over me leaving and I am 32. So now not only am I feeling guilty over leaving my son I have added guilt over what I am putting my mom through knowing she feels just as sad over losing me! I need a bubble bath

Edited March 3, 2006 by Fetaria

[annelizabeth 1]

I do understand how you feel and you should not feel guilty or "mean" for your feelings for that what they are. We put too much guilt on ourselves for our feelings. As long as we don't take it out on our spouses or other children because they did not do anything to deserve the reaction to our feeling with that. There was no other choice for where we lived, I was the one who had to make the move and we talked a lot about this very thing. When I feel the resentment build I just have to remind myself why I am feeling that way and that my choices put me where I am today not anyone elses so to keep it at bay and not let anyone else suffer for it. As for your spouses children playing on his feelings of guilt, that is a hard thing to deal with. The thing with kids though is they learn fast how to work their parents and if he allows them to do so they will continue on with it.

Thanks for those helpful words Fetaria. The thing is, we DID have a choice. He could just as easily have come to Britain but I was the one who made the sacrifice, because he wanted to be close to his kids (he still has a 12 yr old plus two grown up daughters).

Eek, just putting that into words makes me wonder if we really talked that one out enough. We will need to make sure we try hard not to let it come between us. Some serious talking needed this weekend.

[Peggy 1]

This is so touching.

This thread is great support for us women that have left a child behind.

Lets keep this going so that we can all be there for each other.

I can relate to what Fetaria just said about her mom and leaving. That goes the same for me as well. I never lived far from my mother and father. I am the baby of the family too. I will never forget her face when she had to say good bye to me at the airport. It dam near killed me, seeing her so sad and crying. Very painful Same as the lost look I seen in my sons eyes when I left him that day. Plays on my mind alot. Just makes me sad to remember my sons eyes being so sad when we hugged for the last time.

But they are happy that I have finally found a wonderful man, and I know that. She is such a great mother. My son is a great young man. She was and is always there for me. Thats why I feel bad for my oldest son Matthew. I left him and I took his only brother with me.

Edited March 3, 2006 by pink_roses

[Fetaria 0]

This is so touching.

This thread is great support for us women that have left a child behind.

Lets keep this going so that we can all be there for each other.

I can relate to what Fetaria just said about her mom and leaving. That goes the same for me as well. I never lived far from my mother and father. I am the baby of the family too. I will never forget her face when she had to say good bye to me at the airport. It dam near killed me, seeing her so sad and crying. Very painful Same as the lost look I seen in my sons eyes when I left him that day. Plays on my mind alot. Just makes me sad to remember my sons eyes being so sad when we hugged for the last time.

But they are happy that I have finally found a wonderful man, and I know that. She is such a great mother. My son is a great young man. She was and is always there for me. Thats why I feel bad for my oldest son Matthew. I left him and I took his only brother with me.

Wow.. so you, like me took one of your children with you and the other one stayed behind. I knew I was not the only one to do such a thing.. but it sure seemed like it at the time. The morning I was waiting at the terminal gate with my son for him to fly back he hugged me and said.. "this hurts mom and its making my eyes wet" of course that got me crying and we both had very wet eyes. So now when he or I are sad about being apart we use that phrase that it is making our eyes wet. What is the age difference between your sons? Our deal is to have the children together here or there on each holiday and school break alternating between places so that they can have that time with each other. I hope it is enough for them to keep the sibling bond... time will tell. Another thing we have in common is being the baby of the family. Christmas 2005 was the first Christmas that one of us was not there.. and it was me. My parents were pretty much.. to heck with it we just wont celebrate which was so hard to hear because it was always such an event for everyone. I felt as if I turned everyone's world upside down by my decision to move. Everyone has been supportive and happy for my happiness.. just along with it has come a sense of grief over what we lost. Change is hard, especially these kinds of changes.

I do understand how you feel and you should not feel guilty or "mean" for your feelings for that what they are. We put too much guilt on ourselves for our feelings. As long as we don't take it out on our spouses or other children because they did not do anything to deserve the reaction to our feeling with that. There was no other choice for where we lived, I was the one who had to make the move and we talked a lot about this very thing. When I feel the resentment build I just have to remind myself why I am feeling that way and that my choices put me where I am today not anyone elses so to keep it at bay and not let anyone else suffer for it. As for your spouses children playing on his feelings of guilt, that is a hard thing to deal with. The thing with kids though is they learn fast how to work their parents and if he allows them to do so they will continue on with it.

Thanks for those helpful words Fetaria. The thing is, we DID have a choice. He could just as easily have come to Britain but I was the one who made the sacrifice, because he wanted to be close to his kids (he still has a 12 yr old plus two grown up daughters).

Eek, just putting that into words makes me wonder if we really talked that one out enough. We will need to make sure we try hard not to let it come between us. Some serious talking needed this weekend.

What a heartbreaking choice it was for you. A hard one not to let come in between too. My thoughts will be of you and your husband this weekend talking that through. Share with us if you can. Looks like so many of us can relate and can help each other through the not so great moments we all have had.

[Welshcookie 17]

One more point for the day on this

I just read through the replies again for the umpteenth time and so many of you commented on how it doesnt matter the age of your children, the separation hurts just as much. This made me flip things around in my mind and think about how this affected my parents.. leaving them for the first time. I had never lived further than an hour away from them. My mom is still very sad over me leaving and I am 32. So now not only am I feeling guilty over leaving my son I have added guilt over what I am putting my mom through knowing she feels just as sad over losing me! I need a bubble bath

Absolutely!!....At christmas my mum got so upset. She was worried that if anything happened to me she wouldn't be able to attend a 'funeral' cos she cannot get on a plane(thro fear of flying). So, I know it was a weird but we assured her if that ever happened my ashes would be flown her...and she was happy with that

[daisy16 0]

So this begs the question. Are we bad moms for leaving our children? Selfish by putting ourselves first before our kids? (these are my thoughts for myself) Is it wrong to put love for a man over love for one's children? My MIL's opinion is always that the kids come first. Does it say something about our weakness? That we can't be ourselves without a man?

I'm sorry if my questions stir up too much but I'm really thinking out loud, trying to figure out my own answers. I'm not throwing stones at anyone except myself. Voicing my worries about my own decisions.

[Fetaria 0]

So this begs the question. Are we bad moms for leaving our children? Selfish by putting ourselves first before our kids? (these are my thoughts for myself) Is it wrong to put love for a man over love for one's children? My MIL's opinion is always that the kids come first. Does it say something about our weakness? That we can't be ourselves without a man?

I'm sorry if my questions stir up too much but I'm really thinking out loud, trying to figure out my own answers. I'm not throwing stones at anyone except myself. Voicing my worries about my own decisions.

You are not alone in your thinking I am sure. The questions you ask are similar to what I ask and what makes me feel guilt at times for the decision I made. No I don't think it makes us bad moms. I see bad moms in Walmart all the time hollering at their kids for being kids and hating the time they are forced to spend with them. Selfish is the one I spend a lot of time on. I think.. I could of waited 10 more years to choose the life I wanted. It was not so much the love of a man over my children, I was fine on my own. Life is very short and as I mentioned before I would hate to have , in ten years time, my kids look at me and say.. why did you waste all those years being unhappy? I would rather they remember me happy in love and set the example of a loving married couple, a stable couple for them to look up to. Even if it is only part time, I want my husband in my children's lives. He has already done wonders for them. His extended family have been a wonderful addition to their lives as well.. you just cannot have enough grandparents

I really do think the good out-weighs the bad.

Weakness does not even come into the picture.. think of the strength it took to be where you are right now.

Edited March 4, 2006 by Fetaria