The child I left behind

[raphael7546 0]

I just got back from picking my daughter up from Canada to spend the summer with us and this was the first time I've been online.

And ya know what? This will be my last time on VJ becuase I am sick to death of those bloody do-gooders who think I'm such a terrible person for leaving my child. You think it was Fu**king easy for me to do that? Your WRONG!

Gimy, you and your CONDESCENDING, " You can PM me if you want " little note in here , can go to hell for all I care"

Oh ya , forgot ya don't believe in anything ya Darwin loving #######!

Sorry, I've held my breath long enough and I don't intend to anymore.

You NEVER have anything good to say so Shut the hell up and stay out of this thread. Ya don't have a F**kin clue!

My child WASN"T and DOESN'T FEEL ABANDONNED< PERIOD< GOT IT? GOOD !

It's about time someone had the balls to speak up to your "better than anyone else on VJ" attitude.

YOU ARE NOT MY Child and ya DON'T know JACK about my Child or MY situation so shut the F**K up.

Nuff said, I'm outta here.

[arwensun1965 0]

Lily please do not take what other people say so personally, you do not know these people, they do not know you or your situation. I know that people like you and I can take things out of context, much closer to the heart than other people, please just enjoy the time you are having with your daughter, I do hope that you reconsider your opinion of VJ not all people come from the same pod.

*Big Hugsssss*

Janice

[Fetaria 0]

Think about every child who has had to endure a divorce, whether the mom or dad has moved far away or not. Some have feelings of abandonment and others do not. It is very much up to how the separation is dealt with. Of course no child wants this to happen and wishes for their family to stay together, this is a huge life altering experience.

We cannot put people into two categories here or on any other topic. Too many variables come into place. All we can do is share our own experiences and find a common thread.

A family therapist I talked to years ago told me.. never say never. You can persume how you would deal with a crisis or situation all you want, but until you are faced with it in person you truly have no idea the decisions you would make.

Whether you have chose to move away from you children or not, I hope everyone still feels comfortable in sharing their honest opinions here.

[Peggy 1]

I just got back from picking my daughter up from Canada to spend the summer with us and this was the first time I've been online.

And ya know what? This will be my last time on VJ becuase I am sick to death of those bloody do-gooders who think I'm such a terrible person for leaving my child. You think it was Fu**king easy for me to do that? Your WRONG!

Gimy, you and your CONDESCENDING, " You can PM me if you want " little note in here , can go to hell for all I care"

Oh ya , forgot ya don't believe in anything ya Darwin loving #######!

Sorry, I've held my breath long enough and I don't intend to anymore.

You NEVER have anything good to say so Shut the hell up and stay out of this thread. Ya don't have a F**kin clue!

My child WASN"T and DOESN'T FEEL ABANDONNED< PERIOD< GOT IT? GOOD !

It's about time someone had the balls to speak up to your "better than anyone else on VJ" attitude.

YOU ARE NOT MY Child and ya DON'T know JACK about my Child or MY situation so shut the F**K up.

Nuff said, I'm outta here.

Dont pay no attention to what others say on here Lily.

Everyone does what they feel is the RIGHT choice for their situation.

Just enjoy your summer with your daughter.

Speaking your mind is not a bad thing either. Lots do it on here, your not the first, and you wont be the last.

Have a great summer

[ceriserose 1]

I just got back from picking my daughter up from Canada to spend the summer with us and this was the first time I've been online.

And ya know what? This will be my last time on VJ becuase I am sick to death of those bloody do-gooders who think I'm such a terrible person for leaving my child. You think it was Fu**king easy for me to do that? Your WRONG!

Gimy, you and your CONDESCENDING, " You can PM me if you want " little note in here , can go to hell for all I care"

Oh ya , forgot ya don't believe in anything ya Darwin loving #######!

Sorry, I've held my breath long enough and I don't intend to anymore.

You NEVER have anything good to say so Shut the hell up and stay out of this thread. Ya don't have a F**kin clue!

My child WASN"T and DOESN'T FEEL ABANDONNED< PERIOD< GOT IT? GOOD !

It's about time someone had the balls to speak up to your "better than anyone else on VJ" attitude.

YOU ARE NOT MY Child and ya DON'T know JACK about my Child or MY situation so shut the F**K up.

Nuff said, I'm outta here.

Odd, I didn't see Gimy directly say anything to you. She shared her experience from her own personal perspective and offered what some people's children may be going through.

If it doesn't apply to you, and you know your situation is not that, then why the vitriolic anger?

I also don't understand what her religious views (Darwin) have to do with this thread, other than being a personal attack. Which is against the TOS. There are ways to get your point across, even vehemently, without crossing the line you just did.

I am sure there are some people, as mentioned, who it did not work out so well for and feel as though they were abandoned and that truly is a terrible feeling. Just as some children grow up resenting the parents they did live with the entire time. It is all in the parenting and how it is handled near or far. My son gets praise and punishment from me still, there is a daily connection with us. I grounded him a couple weeks ago... I am never to far away to parent. I appreciate the posts that give both sides and welcome them. Like most everyone, I am interested to know others stories in similar situations as us. It helps us deal as well as keep in check what it is we need to do to avoid as many mistakes as possible. I am ok with those who say " I would never leave my children " as long as they are not judging those who have. Everyone's situation is different. Empathy is such a wonderful quality in a person.

I'm not a parent and so cannot understand from that aspect of a separation. I have however been a much-loved child who had to endure separations that were not of my making nor were they comfortable. I was 16 and a child of divorce. I carry those scars with me, on my heart, to this day. Logically I know it was a much better situation all around. Emotionally I did not.

I feel sympathy for those of you who have had to make such choices and who are doing the best they can in such circumstances. I don't know how I would have handled making such a choice.

I think the thing I glean from Gimy's and Kiki's posts is that your kids will be affected and there's no telling exactly how. This is something they will carry, whether they share it with you or not. It may be easier to believe that it's the ex feeding it, but I can honestly tell you that at least in my case, it was wholly me. I would have been heartbroken if my parents hadn't at least acknowledged it.

[daisy16 0]

As always, well said cerise!

For the most part, most parents have a difficult job doing their best in the best interests of their child(ren). There is no manual, there is no "perfect" way to do things. Sometimes it works just by sheer luck. What works for one kid may not work for another. It's a balancing act. And there are a 1000 different variables that can influence your decisions every day. Ain't life grand Love them the best that you can, no matter where you or they are.

[Peggy 1]

As always, well said cerise!

For the most part, most parents have a difficult job doing their best in the best interests of their child(ren). There is no manual, there is no "perfect" way to do things. Sometimes it works just by sheer luck. What works for one kid may not work for another. It's a balancing act. And there are a 1000 different variables that can influence your decisions every day. Ain't life grand Love them the best that you can, no matter where you or they are.

Right on the money Daisy

[Fetaria 0]

2 more sleeps until I have ALL my kids with me again We are planning a trip to Disneyland on the 4th of August. It will be my first time there as well so I think I am just as excited as the kids are about it.

Been thinking of you all, wondering how things are going.

[Peggy 1]

Have a wonderful visit with your children

[Shari 6]

Hello all! A lot has changed in the past 3-4 weeks since I've written last. Keith was offered the job in Tampa, and we were 99% sure we were going to take it as it was the ONLY job offer he had had since he got his work permit in January, but two days after their offer arrived, Keith got offered a local job - though starting at the bottom. The money for Tampa was 3 x better , but not only did my daughter not want to move with us (she would have moved in with her dad here), we had to think about the up-front money we didn't have to get started in a new city/state. We were going to rent a house and would have had to put down security deposit and 1st month's rent, put deposits on utilities, etc., and since Keith has been out of work since he left England last September, we are BROKE, though my dad offered to loan us what money we needed up front. Also, if the company for some reason didn't like Keith (or he didn't like them/the job) and they fired him (their offer stated "Florida is an at-risk state and employees can be terminated without cause or notice"), we would be stuck in a far away town from our family and friends. Anyhow, as I said, he took the "peon" job and will work himself up (unless he gets any better job offers). The owner of the engineering firm was very impressed with Keith's resume, but he is having to learn a whole new type of engineering (he was a mechanical engineer and this is bioscientific or something). He is going through a 3 month training period without any benefits , will work as a technician for 3 more months, and then hopefully if he learns this new stuff, they will promote him to engineer.

So that is where we have been - discussing job options, stressing, weighing the pros and cons, and coming to a final decision. I wish you all the best and I know Fetaria is having a GREAT time with her kids right this very minute.

[Alison 0]

Anyone out there have a child still living in the country they moved from? My children's father and I, through mediation, decided to let the young ones have a say in where they lived.. along with what we thought best for the moment. Our 9 yr daughter moved here with me, our 11yr old son stayed with his dad. We have had to deal with a great deal of scrutiny already over the decision to separate them, so I do not need any more of that. What I am looking for however is if anyone else has or is dealing with this type of separation. Some days I do ok, some days I do not so ok. My son and I are very close and we talk often. I try to keep things positive and bring up the next time we will be together and how wonderful it will be. The other night he tells me how much he misses me and wishes I could be there to tuck him in like I use to, how nothing comforts him like I can. When I hear these things is breaks my heart into pieces. The decision to move and make this life change was not an easy one, I stayed in an unhappy marriage for many years "for the kids sake". I think at times I could easily sway him into saying out loud that he would like to move here with us but I don't want to go there. I am trying to keep things positive for him. What happens then however is that my husband gets the messy breakdown when I cannot stay positive any longer. He has huge amounts of stress through work and school and the last thing he needs is to be worrying about me and my mental state. So then atop the guilt over not being with my child on a daily basis I have guilt over being unhappy at times with a most beautiful life I have been given by my husband. Something I am leary of as well is when my son comes to visit this summer, I want to be careful not to overcompensate and make the children here (my daughter and two step children) feel as if they have been shoved aside yet at the same time I need my son to feel as if he is just as much a part of the family as they are and I want to make up for lost time with him. Not sure what I am looking for here, it is not judgement as I say, or sympathy for that matter. Just similar stories if they are out there and what others may of been through in regards to such a situation.

Hiya. I am sorry to hear you are going through this and I send you hugs but I also know how exactly you feel cause I am going through the same situation as you.

I have three children, I had to leave my eldest daughter behind, she is nearly 12 and lives with her dad and his wife and 3 teenage children. My other two Claire is 10 and is autistic and Dominic my son is nearly 5 came with me. My ex partner (children's father) and I were going through a terrible uncomfortable 8 years of hell. I wasn't treated right, I wanted to find someone new who would care for me and not be a tight fisted git with money and pay more attention to me and so on. We split up in the March 2003 and he was then dating someone else, she's on medication for mental illness, depression, her weight and so on, I knew he was friends with her, so no affair there. Anyway, they both decided to turn my eldest daughter Fiona against me, brainwashed her by saying I no longer loved her, I didn't want her where I did. I loved her very much and they had turned her against me. In the May 2003, I met my husband online and we became friends, good friends. My ex partner and his wife got married. I had to go to court for him to have parental responsibility and that was tough enough, but it was his wife who was really nasty to me. She was saying I was a bad mother and so on and that I didn't pay much attention to my children when I did. My husband and I fell in love and realised how much we had in common and hobbies we mostly share that are the same which was fantastic, I found the man of my dreams As months and years went by, my ex partner and his wife and me started to be friends for the kids sake but he was still a cniving (Spelling) lying little toad. Fiona started to change and started want to come and see her sister and brother which was fine by me, but my ex partner's wife was lousy at getting Fiona's hair clean as she was suffering with major headlice, it's still the same now, just her stepmother can't be bothered to get her hair clean and I feel sorry for Fiona cause her hair would still be clean if she hadn't chosen to live with her dad. At first, when I told my ex partner that I was emigrating to the USA, he said I wasn't taking the kids. He hardly saw them anyway so what does it matter. Anyway, arguements started up again and then finally, he gave in because he was struggling to pay child support money fro my other two kids. So he signed a letter to say they can go in front of a solicitor/lawyer. Since we emigrated, Fiona has been very upset because she's missing us, me and her sister and brother. I think Clive (ex partner) is jealous because I have a happy life and I am married, I have my two kids here and hopefully trying to get Fiona here too to be with us. The part that was really upsetting me lately was that his wife was telling me not to mention the wedding to Fiona and other things. She told me Fiona would look at Claire and Dominic's pictures each night which makes me happy and I did send a mini photo album of wedding photo's which I am hoping she got and that my ex partner is stopping her to keep. I know Fiona wants to be here with us and she misses us very much as we do the same and I'm wondering how she is and so on. My ex partner's wife has said so many nasty things to me before I got married and I just broke down and cried. They both tried to dump debts on me which weren't even mine and I was very emotional over it, I truly don't need them doing this to me.

I can understand you wanting your son to be with you and make up for lost time, I too want the same with my daughter. We use to bond very well but now we've lost that bonding and will be very hard to get it back again. Have a fantastic time with all your children Fetaria, you deserve it.

Alison.

Edited August 2, 2006 by Alison

[Fetaria 0]

Hello all! A lot has changed in the past 3-4 weeks since I've written last. Keith was offered the job in Tampa, and we were 99% sure we were going to take it as it was the ONLY job offer he had had since he got his work permit in January, but two days after their offer arrived, Keith got offered a local job - though starting at the bottom. The money for Tampa was 3 x better , but not only did my daughter not want to move with us (she would have moved in with her dad here), we had to think about the up-front money we didn't have to get started in a new city/state. We were going to rent a house and would have had to put down security deposit and 1st month's rent, put deposits on utilities, etc., and since Keith has been out of work since he left England last September, we are BROKE, though my dad offered to loan us what money we needed up front. Also, if the company for some reason didn't like Keith (or he didn't like them/the job) and they fired him (their offer stated "Florida is an at-risk state and employees can be terminated without cause or notice"), we would be stuck in a far away town from our family and friends. Anyhow, as I said, he took the "peon" job and will work himself up (unless he gets any better job offers). The owner of the engineering firm was very impressed with Keith's resume, but he is having to learn a whole new type of engineering (he was a mechanical engineer and this is bioscientific or something). He is going through a 3 month training period without any benefits , will work as a technician for 3 more months, and then hopefully if he learns this new stuff, they will promote him to engineer.

So that is where we have been - discussing job options, stressing, weighing the pros and cons, and coming to a final decision. I wish you all the best and I know Fetaria is having a GREAT time with her kids right this very minute.

Isn't that the way of life? You think you know which direction you are heading and then BAM the fates throw you in a different direction. Well hopefully Keith's job works out how you want it to. Although less pay, it solved the problem of having to leave your daughter which is great. Who knows, he may move up that ladder rather quickly being that he is already such a smart cookie with a shining resume. I really am having a wonderful time with the kids here. The little ones adore my son and see him as a superhero so he likes that. I swear he has grown two feet.. he is not even 12 yet and almost as tall as me! We are off to Disneyland on Friday so we are all having trouble sleeping already with all the excitement

Was so good to hear from you Shari as I was wondering what was going on in your world.

[Fetaria 0]

Alison,

You are not alone. I feel bad for you in your situation. It bothers me when I hear of people like your children's stepmother acting as she does. She must not realise how the people she is truly hurting are the kids. As weird as we feel our ex-spouses are we try very hard to be civil and keep the kids in mind when interacting with the other parents. No matter what a duffass I think their dad is I would never let them hear me say so I know it is hard with the head lice thing. I am very particular about hygiene whereas my es husband is SO not. The kids go from one extreme to the other. When I picked my son up from the airport he told me he had tried to get back into the routine of brushing his teeth every day knowing I would be after him to do so We thought of giving them both hot showers with bleach when we picked them up. The cleaned up good though. I do hope your daughter is able to move and be with you. Keep us posted on that.

[Fetaria 0]

Disneyland was just too much fun! All my worrying over overcompensating between the children and all that for nothing. Everyone is getting along and fighting like normal siblings should. There seems to be a bit of competition between the two middle kids but other than that we are just another brady bunch. This month is going by too fast however. When my son goes back on the 2nd he will be gone until Spring Break which is going to be a long stretch. Hope you are all hanging in there.

[Meliss 0]

How about some advice to those of use who will be sending our babes home to visit family when we move? My kids will see their dad lots I'm sure- it's up to him...but having them away for a whole summer etc, what do you do to keep focused and not be sick with worry? I am really worried I won't be able to function without them, let alone focus on a new marrige and life. Any advice, we will get a camera phone for the computer, I was thinking of making them some photo albums to bring of new house etc. It will make me nuts--- proud of you guys that do the whole long distance parent thing, good job.