The child I left behind

[Fetaria 0]

Again, I know this thread was for the mothers who have left their children a lot farther away that I am, and do not get to see them nearly the amount I will be able to see mine, but my children's feelings and emotions are the same as your kids at this moment in time. I have no answers for him that will ease his pain. We cried together and I think he knows how hard it will be on me too, but what kind of answer can I come back with to "you can't leave us, it's not right to leave your kids"?

No this thread is for parents JUST like you. It sounds as if those words he said were possibly fed to him. Do you think anyone in your family may be working that angle through your children? I definately hope not, but if you think so hush them up. How is his father helping with this transition? I think he could be doing a lot to ease the change as well. I think you have said all the right stuff, and keep saying it. Reaffirm with him constantly that he is welcome to move with you today or any other day in the future. Let him know that if he needs you for anything you are only a day away. It hurts so much to see our kids in pain. I think you need not sugar coat things, let him know that you are indeed moving and when and where and the facts of it all. You are his mother and you are making a decision based on your best judgement. It is his choice now to move with you or stay where he is. Reaffirm his choices, let him know either way he is not losing you. This is not going to be easy on any of you but I do believe everything will work out in the end as it should.

[Shari 6]

It sounds as if those words he said were possibly fed to him. Do you think anyone in your family may be working that angle through your children? I definately hope not, but if you think so hush them up. How is his father helping with this transition?

I know he is being fed from his father. There is nothing I can do about that. His father and I had been married for 23 years. In that time I lived through him having an affair with my best friend the 2nd year of our marriage, him drinking so much he became an alcoholic and I lived through nearly 3 years of hell before he got help, his attempted suicide a year after he got sober, and another "almost affair" (he denied sex, only "emotional support" - yea right). Anyhow, after all that, I asked for the divorce and HE was bitter. He couldn't figure out why my feelings for him had changed? He told the kids the divorce was my fault and tried to get them to sway his way. They love both of us and that is the way it should be, but I know his dad says stuff to them when anything I do he disagrees wtih. I met Keith online 3 months after I told him I wanted out of the marriage, and he has played the kids against Keith since - though the kids liked Keith when they first met him on his first trip here.

Again, I guess the hardest part is not knowing how to answer the question "how can you leave us, it's not right?" when he asks. There is no answer that will ever ease his pain. I will keep trying though. It bums Keith out to see me so upset when my child gets so upset. I have asked Keith to try to get Michael alone today and try to talk to him about it. Michael is extremely sensitive and tears well up in his eyes very easily and I know he will do this and become embarrassed, but I think a one-to-one talk might help the tiniest bit.

[chri'stina 190]

I don't have kids so I have no idea how it feels to go through all this, and I am not even 100% sure of my opinion on it. But I do think Shari's 14yr old son's talking could be valid from within himself, not fed into him. It is very hard for kids when their parents decide to move. One of my closest friends, even when she was 20, had a very hard time when her mother who she was still living with, decided to move to the other side of the country to be near other relatives. She felt very hurt that her mom would just move without considering if she wanted to move too, and in the end her mom did move, and this friend moved in with my family(because she did not want to move). She has been living with my parents ever since, even though her mom lives back here again. She didn't feel a stable life with her mom, and my parents let her stay with them until she decides to move out one day. She and her mom are on very good terms, and our families are close, but she still lives with my parents...not with her own mom.

Kids don't usually just want to move, to leave their established life, unless they want a new start or are convinced that the move is very important to do. And in my opinion, it seems important when the parents integrate the kids into the decision, when they are under a certain age and cannot live on their own. I don't believe the parents should just say "we are going, thats it, make your choice". They should ask their kids what they think about moving, and why they would or would not want to, before making the definite decision. Explaining why you have to move is the only way they may possibly see...but no matter what, they may be thinking, why can't mom just stay here since we want her to. They might not think the reason is important enough, if they don't understand it.

Edited June 29, 2006 by stina&suj

[Peggy 1]

Well I am sorry to hear how upset your son is Shari.

My son's dad is like that to. Always putting ####### in there heads when they were younger. That will never stop with some ex's, no matter how old our kids get. Only good thing about that is when they get older they relize all the bull ####### there dad's said to them about their mother was lie's. My son's are 17 and 21 now, but they went thru some ####### with their dad with all his lie's and #######. Now that their older they know that they dont have a good father and never have. My youngest has been here a year now,, and never calls his dad at home. He's just says, why should I bother. Being a good parent from a distance is better than not being a good parent at all, in my eyes. The love for your children is always strong no matter the distance between you. Your children will see this Shari. Its just going to be hard on your family right now till the move, then things will get better once everyone is settled and everyday life goes on. Hang in there, and things will work out for you. You have to be happy to girl. HUGS

[Fetaria 0]

I do agree that the children need to have a say in this, which is why I have one child here with me and the other is with his father. It was the family mediator who told us that although it is good to give them choices no child wants that big of a decision put on their shoulders. Because then they interpret that we are asking them to choose between two people they love equally. In our case we told them that indeed mom was moving, dad was staying that we both loved them dearly and we were interested to know their thoughts on where they may like to live. That said we told them we would take what they said into consideration and make final decisions based on that. The mediator explained to us that throughout the divorce it was important that we maintained a parent/child relationship with our children and not let them feel as if any burden is theirs. Whether a parent is moving down the road or across an ocean, I think similar emotions come out of it.

I think also, Shari, as to what to respond to what he had said to you about how you could leave them and its not right. Rather than argue the fact, tell him you understand how he feels that way. That it is OK for him to feel that way. It is a good thing that he is sharing his feelings and thoughts with you ( no matter how hard to swallow ) You can explain until you are blue in the face the reasons why you are moving but if he is upset he will most likely not understand the value to your words. Tell him you are sad that he feels that way, explain that you do not feel as you are leaving him or his siblings anywhere. You are just moving a bit further away and it will take some adjustments and time to figure it all out.

[raphael7546 0]

we're driving up to Canada to pick up my little girl tomorrow ! I can't wait! She'll be here for the summer.

[luvaLimey 0]

YAY!

I hope she has a wonderful time here.

Are you going to take her to Lagoon?

[gimygirl 0]

i am sorry that some of you have been put in the position of having to leave your children, but i would never ... ever leave my child(ren) for anything or anyone.

i was left behind as a child.

there is nothing worse no matter how you sugar coat it or how you try to rationalize it to your child. unfortunately, it is the reason most stay in an unhealthy relationship for so long ... because you don't want to be 'left' again. thankfully, i was able to realize this after i had my own children and had an emotional, at length discussion with my mother.

now here's the ironic part ... given the opportunity would i have gone with her? yes do i wish that she left my sister and i behind? no am i glad that she did? yes in my specific case, i was given a better upbringing, remained with family, afforded a comfortable lifestyle and have an overall better life because of that today.

but i can tell you, no child wants you to leave them behind regardless if they don't want to go with you.

*feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this further*

[daisy16 0]

I see this thread has been resurrected. I didn't read it all, but wanted to add for those thinking about leaving kids behind:

My son is almost 23. The pain of leaving him has not lessoned in the 3 months since I first contributed to this thread. I still do think that leaving him was not the best thing to do.

That being said, moving back might or might not make a difference. It would certainly raise different problems. Eventually I will either accept my poor choice or continue to live in this hell.

[Peggy 1]

Have a great trip Lily.

Enjoy the summer with your little girl

[Welshcookie 17]

Have a lovely reunion Lily!!!

[KiKi 0]

Gimy,

I posted this a LONG time ago on another debate....

I too was left by my Mother when i was five years old ....and even though she was in the same city, it has affected me my ENTIRE life....huge abandonment and trust issues....etc.

Like you, even though I had a much much more stable up-brinigng, a house an involved stepmom etc, the feeling of abandoments never left me...

I'm 40 years old and can still feel it affecting me.

If my husband could not or would not have moved here and my kid's Dad's wouldn't let them go there, we would have either had a long distance relationship for the next 8 years or parted ways....

Thank God my husband said to me BEFORE we got married "You have kids, I'll come there, it's the only fair thing".

He gave up a Government job, socailized medicine etc, for us.....

He's a gem for sure......

Edited July 4, 2006 by KiKi

[Peggy 1]

Well everyone's situation is different.

My oldest son was 20 when I came here, its not like he was a baby when I left Canada. That being said, I know how much I miss him and he's an adult. I cant imagine what the ladies and men on VJ feel like having to leave there young children.

Some parents are not good parents when they live with the child in the same house. You can still be a GREAT parent if your child doesnt live with you. Same as all the men that dont have their children full time when they live with there mom's. Are they bad parents for only seeing them on weekends?

I just dont understand why some people have to rub salt in someone wounds, when there already hurting as it is.

Its called compassion.

[KiKi 0]

Peggy, I honestly wasn't trying to rub salt into anyone's wounds, I jsut feel compelled to implore that this decision be taken very very seriously,

I speak from the other side of the issue, it DOES affect the child and maybe forever, maybe not....but it did in my case.

Obviously 20 years old is ENTIRELY different than five......

[Fetaria 0]

I am sure there are some people, as mentioned, who it did not work out so well for and feel as though they were abandoned and that truly is a terrible feeling. Just as some children grow up resenting the parents they did live with the entire time. It is all in the parenting and how it is handled near or far. My son gets praise and punishment from me still, there is a daily connection with us. I grounded him a couple weeks ago... I am never to far away to parent. I appreciate the posts that give both sides and welcome them. Like most everyone, I am interested to know others stories in similar situations as us. It helps us deal as well as keep in check what it is we need to do to avoid as many mistakes as possible. I am ok with those who say " I would never leave my children " as long as they are not judging those who have. Everyone's situation is different. Empathy is such a wonderful quality in a person.